Sudden Paralyzing Terrified Cold Feet

[noonday]

So, I was fortunate enough to get into school for this coming fall. Have been excited about it since getting in a few months ago, have been getting the paperwork in, the financial aid set, gave notice at my job, etc.

I know I should be nothing but happy, and I know it's almost rude to be writing all this, and I apologize for that. I'm just hoping someone who's gone through this part of the non-trad thing might be able to be of help...

Tonight I think it all hit me, what all this means, and I don't know if I can do it. I don't mean actually doing well in school, I'm not worried about that, nor being able to be a good doctor -- I think that'll go ok, too. I just don't know if I can do what I need to do to get through the transition. I have to move back across the country again to where I happily left, thinking I'd never go back. I have to leave a career that I've built up for 8 years. I have to leave the life I've built where I've lived for the past 6 -- not just job, but flatmates and friends, social groups, volunteer groups, activist activities, even just the scenery that's become my home. I did a lot of moving around prior to living here, and I'd thought for so long that this was it, this was home finally.

I think I'd been deluding myself somehow into thinking that I could keep being a geologist AND become a doctor. That going to the latter didn't really mean trashing what has been 8 years of my life's work. That really, leaving my entire social network would be fine and I'd make a new one and that somehow I'd been misremembering how hard it was to build the one I have here, now.

I'm just so scared.

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[viostorm]

Noonday, I think I went through the same thing.

It really was difficult, I left a good job, I was happy, I had money. I had never been in debt before.

The week before orientation I was a complete grouch ... I had serious doubts. I really couldn't believe I was going to be a student again at 30. It got so bad I had a fight with my wife over whether I was going to ride my motorcycle to school that morning. It was just ridiculous.

So how did I get through it?

I knew deep down I was not going to be happy long term in my job ...

You have sacrificed a lot to be where you are. There is a reason you have done it.

Don't let the apprehensions and "cold feet" get the best of you. Enjoy this summer ... come August the real work will start. You are about to taste the fruit of your labor.

“The practice of medicine is an art, not a trade; a calling, not a business; a calling in which your heart will be exercised equally with your head." - William Osler

The only thing I can say, this is not the only time in your path to being a physician that you will question what have done and are doing. "Wow, I used to be so happy at my old job, its 2AM and I'm studying this stupid ..." I can say also this probably isn't the first time since you started the pre-reqs that you questioned your decision to pursue medicine.

Keep with it, a magical world is about to be revealed to you ...

 

[oldpro]

So, I was fortunate enough to get into school for this coming fall. Have been excited about it since getting in a few months ago, have been getting the paperwork in, the financial aid set, gave notice at my job, etc.

I know I should be nothing but happy, and I know it's almost rude to be writing all this, and I apologize for that. I'm just hoping someone who's gone through this part of the non-trad thing might be able to be of help...

Tonight I think it all hit me, what all this means, and I don't know if I can do it. I don't mean actually doing well in school, I'm not worried about that, nor being able to be a good doctor -- I think that'll go ok, too. I just don't know if I can do what I need to do to get through the transition. I have to move back across the country again to where I happily left, thinking I'd never go back. I have to leave a career that I've built up for 8 years. I have to leave the life I've built where I've lived for the past 6 -- not just job, but flatmates and friends, social groups, volunteer groups, activist activities, even just the scenery that's become my home. I did a lot of moving around prior to living here, and I'd thought for so long that this was it, this was home finally.

I think I'd been deluding myself somehow into thinking that I could keep being a geologist AND become a doctor. That going to the latter didn't really mean trashing what has been 8 years of my life's work. That really, leaving my entire social network would be fine and I'd make a new one and that somehow I'd been misremembering how hard it was to build the one I have here, now.

I'm just so scared.

Look you have made it this far, The LORs, Admission comittee, your course work, volunteering, ect.

I think anyone who has gone this far can make it if they want to. Medical school is about endurance and the willingness to behave and study the material.

Have you ever watched Scrubs? The TV show? Well the first episode goes like this "After 4 years premed, 4 years medschool I've come to find out I know Jack!" So yea we are scared at every new event, at the next 4 years, not working and just school. That people our age are getting 1000 inch TVs for the super bowel and buying the next largest house in the state and latest new car in the universe, we are poor and still a "Student". But hey you are special, not just a student but a Medical Student. That said, you will do great things, if not published or on the news, just helping people live healthier lives IS GREAT THINGS.

 

[Law2Doc]

So, I was fortunate enough to get into school for this coming fall. Have been excited about it since getting in a few months ago, have been getting the paperwork in, the financial aid set, gave notice at my job, etc.

I know I should be nothing but happy, and I know it's almost rude to be writing all this, and I apologize for that. I'm just hoping someone who's gone through this part of the non-trad thing might be able to be of help...

Tonight I think it all hit me, what all this means, and I don't know if I can do it. I don't mean actually doing well in school, I'm not worried about that, nor being able to be a good doctor -- I think that'll go ok, too. I just don't know if I can do what I need to do to get through the transition. I have to move back across the country again to where I happily left, thinking I'd never go back. I have to leave a career that I've built up for 8 years. I have to leave the life I've built where I've lived for the past 6 -- not just job, but flatmates and friends, social groups, volunteer groups, activist activities, even just the scenery that's become my home. I did a lot of moving around prior to living here, and I'd thought for so long that this was it, this was home finally.

I think I'd been deluding myself somehow into thinking that I could keep being a geologist AND become a doctor. That going to the latter didn't really mean trashing what has been 8 years of my life's work. That really, leaving my entire social network would be fine and I'd make a new one and that somehow I'd been misremembering how hard it was to build the one I have here, now.

I'm just so scared.

Think of it as an adventure. Life standing still is safe, but boring.

 

[Arginine]

Noonday,
I went through a very similar scenario when I moved to Los Angeles to start medical school after 9 years of practicing as a psychotherapist. I was excited about med school, but also anxious about uprooting my entire life, leaving my friends and a city that I loved...

Now I'm 4 weeks away from completing 3rd year...and even though I've had plenty of stressful moments, I can still say I've never had a single moment of regret about being in med school. Despite the sleep deprivation, the long hours of studying, and being bossed around by people in their 20s (i.e. the residents), I still love what I do, and I look forward to graduating (354 days left!) and starting intern year.

Don't worry--after the initial transition period, everything will fall into place and you will be just fine. Make sure you take good care of yourself and stay in close contact with your friends.

 

[Doctor Bagel]

Oh, I so hear you. I've been trying to find a place to live, and I've been irrationally dragging my feet because I'm overwhelmed. I realized that the enormity of how much my life is going to change is finally hitting me. I love where I live, and I left where I'm from for a reason. It's going to be hard to go back. Eh, anyway, I bet most of us are feeling this way.

 

[ekydrd]

Hey Noonday,

From some one who has been there (started med school at 37) and now finishing up my PGY1 year... that light you see in the distance? It really is the end of the tunnel, and not a locomotive engine bearing down on you. Anything in this life worth having does not come easy or cheap. You have already gotten through the really hard part... getting in to medical school. Everything else will fall in to place as you go. As far as being in debt after school... so what? It's a never ending part of life. Good luck to ya!

 

[Doula-2-OB]

It's terrifying to jump over the ledge, not knowing if the net will be there or not. This isn't something that you entered into lightly. You have gone through a lot of process (and processiNG) to get to where you are right now.

There is no 'should' about how you feel, you just feel what you feel. I think it would be more abnormal to not be scared $hitless.

You do it one day at a time, one second at a time. Stay open to the process and all of the worldly things as well as academic things that you will learn. Trust your instincts and let your fear teach you to be cautious and brave.

This is a rite of passage, too! We're walking over this threshhold and we don't know what is going to happen. I personally feel like the school part (first 4y) is going to be fine, it's the potential of moving away for med school that leaves my bowels a little watery. These are the moments where we find out what we're made of.

It's worth it. You wouldn't have come this far if it wasn't.

So, I was fortunate enough to get into school for this coming fall. Have been excited about it since getting in a few months ago, have been getting the paperwork in, the financial aid set, gave notice at my job, etc.

I know I should be nothing but happy, and I know it's almost rude to be writing all this, and I apologize for that. I'm just hoping someone who's gone through this part of the non-trad thing might be able to be of help...

Tonight I think it all hit me, what all this means, and I don't know if I can do it. I don't mean actually doing well in school, I'm not worried about that, nor being able to be a good doctor -- I think that'll go ok, too. I just don't know if I can do what I need to do to get through the transition. I have to move back across the country again to where I happily left, thinking I'd never go back. I have to leave a career that I've built up for 8 years. I have to leave the life I've built where I've lived for the past 6 -- not just job, but flatmates and friends, social groups, volunteer groups, activist activities, even just the scenery that's become my home. I did a lot of moving around prior to living here, and I'd thought for so long that this was it, this was home finally.

I think I'd been deluding myself somehow into thinking that I could keep being a geologist AND become a doctor. That going to the latter didn't really mean trashing what has been 8 years of my life's work. That really, leaving my entire social network would be fine and I'd make a new one and that somehow I'd been misremembering how hard it was to build the one I have here, now.

I'm just so scared.

 

[Doula-2-OB]

Keep with it, a magical world is about to be revealed to you ...

I am so quoting you on that, viostorm!!

 

[Non-TradTulsa]

Great post, noonday. I think all of us understood the emotion you were willing to share. I'm leaving behind 22 years as a CPA and I'm scared, too.

I think my advice would be - try to re-frame that tape you're playing that says you're "trashing an 8-year career." It doesn't have to be that way. I've had a great career as a CPA - on the whole, I've enjoyed the 20+ years that I contributed to healthcare through financial administration. I did good work that helped people and I matured to the point that - in my life, it's *exactly* the right time to leave for medicine - because just now I can be the kind of doctor I want to be.

I've decided that I'm going to be "Non-TradTulsa, MS, MD". My patients really don't want to know that I'm a CPA, but I hold a master of science degree in accounting and I want to acknowledge that the first 20 years of my working life existed. Just something I'll be doing for me.

Even though you're younger than I am, I think we're all still seduced by the memory of the period of one-job near-lifetime employment that existed for a single generation after World War II. I tend to look at my job romantically now that I'm leaving, but when I think about it, I know that sooner or later something major would change and it would be time to put on my running shoes once again to go find a new job. Since change is simply the reality of life in the 21st century, we might as well go do something that we've been called to do!

 

[cfdavid]

Well, I can say that I can relate to every single post thus far. After making a decision to not live with family and to move closer to my med school, the added expenses have made me feel a bit weezy. lol
Also, realizing the huge commitment over the next 8-10 years etc. can be a bit "thought provoking".....

But, like others have stated, this is an adventure baby!!! I'm sure many of us chose this route for many of the same reasons, and some different ones. Regardless, it's gonna be a great learning experience. Don't let the debt get you down too much. It's just part of the game. Fortunately, even in the lesser paid fields, doctors can still secure a good enough income to be able to pay off even large debts while still being able to live a reasonably comfortable life.

Think back to those other times in your life where you had to work really hard or sacrifice things in order to get the job done... Those were usually the most memorable and rewarding. That's how med school/residency is going to be.

Think of all the kick as.s stuff we'll be doing in 3 years time. The thought of delivering a baby (though not interested in OB as a career) is nuts! I can't wait. What about that time you insert your first central line in internship/residency? How cool is that!

Like Law2Doc said, it's a super cool adventure that we're about to embark on. We'll have the opportunity to do things that most people can only read about, or watch a TV show about. But, we'll actually be doing that stuff.
Like NonTradTulsa stated, change is the only constant in this world. Pat yourself on the back for having the gonads enough to make this change anyway. Just consider this step as one in a sequence of crazy changes we'll be facing as we progress through this journey. And make it a point to enjoy the process!

 

[Doula-2-OB]

Cfdavid, your post gave me butterflies.

 

[QofQuimica]

Anyone who isn't scared s***less about starting medical school either doesn't realize the enormity of what they are about to do, or else isn't a flesh and blood human being like the rest of us. I can't add much to the great posts you guys have already put up, except to remind those of us getting ready to start (including myself!) that bravery doesn't mean not being scared. Bravery means continuing forward in spite of being scared.

You can do this, noonday. Med school's going to be a wild ride, but we'll get through it like we have gotten through things in our previous lives, one day at a time. I want to tell those of you in the entering class of 2006 how much I've appreciated your moral support this past year while we were all applying. Even though I haven't ever met most of you, it really helped me more than I can tell you to know that I wasn't the only one going through this process as a non-trad.

 

[RxnMan]

...That people our age are getting 1000 inch TVs for the super bowel and buying the next largest house in the state and latest new car in the universe, we are poor and still a "Student"...

I'm just wondering how 'super' a bowel has to be in order to fit a 1000'' TV inside of it.

 

[RxnMan]

So, I was fortunate enough to get into school for this coming fall. Have been excited about it since getting in a few months ago, have been getting the paperwork in, the financial aid set, gave notice at my job, etc.

I know I should be nothing but happy, and I know it's almost rude to be writing all this, and I apologize for that. I'm just hoping someone who's gone through this part of the non-trad thing might be able to be of help...

Tonight I think it all hit me, what all this means, and I don't know if I can do it. I don't mean actually doing well in school, I'm not worried about that, nor being able to be a good doctor -- I think that'll go ok, too. I just don't know if I can do what I need to do to get through the transition. I have to move back across the country again to where I happily left, thinking I'd never go back. I have to leave a career that I've built up for 8 years. I have to leave the life I've built where I've lived for the past 6 -- not just job, but flatmates and friends, social groups, volunteer groups, activist activities, even just the scenery that's become my home. I did a lot of moving around prior to living here, and I'd thought for so long that this was it, this was home finally.

I think I'd been deluding myself somehow into thinking that I could keep being a geologist AND become a doctor. That going to the latter didn't really mean trashing what has been 8 years of my life's work. That really, leaving my entire social network would be fine and I'd make a new one and that somehow I'd been misremembering how hard it was to build the one I have here, now.

I'm just so scared.

I think it's good to be scared. I also gave notice and turned in my paperwork. I'm also moving across country, and my girlfriend is moving with me. Neither of us have lived outside of our home state. She's choosing to give up her job here and move out with me so we can stay together. That's a lot of responsibility for me, and I'm scared I'm going to screw it up. Am I going to make her a med-school widow? Heck - How are we going to find a place to live?

And that's not even talking about med school.

But when I look back on it, I think "What other choice would I have made?" I don't think that I would change any of it. This path will be hard, and it will be frightening, but nothing of worth in this life is easy. Our prize is an adventurous life, blessed with a profession that challenges us every day. Others will envy us, not because our jobs will be 'Scrubs' or 'ER,' but because we have the courage and constitution to live out our dreams.

 

[noonday]

thank you all. i don't ever think that i thought i was the only scared one, i just needed to see it concretely.

on pondering more, the two specific things that i most fear are that a.) i'm doing this all alone. no partner, etc., and i'm leaving my whole social network and support to go do it, from a place i love to a place i left for a reason.

and b.) it really hit me the other day how quietly important what i do now is, no matter how much it's not personally fulfilling. (silly as it may be, i saw al gore's movie, and the work he talks about needing to be done to fix global warming, etc., is the work i do, and i felt all guilty for leaving it when it's so needed...)

but it'll be ok. i'll get through this part, i'm sure. as i think about it, i've done much much harder things in the past, so this should be fine...

thank you again...and good luck to everyone.

 

[ShyRem]

Rxn, I'm with you. still waiting to hopefully hear from a school I'm waitlisted at, and there is hope there apparently. Hubby's last day at work was June 1, we're working on the house (it's going on the market in one week tops), we don't know where we're going for sure yet, no place to live yet, no job for him yet... My kids and husband are leaving everything they've ever known and loved to chase my dream. I know it's going to be ok, but I'm stressing BIG TIME.

just remember to breathe and eat good food. It helps. A cute little dog or cat to pet a couple of times a day helps too.

 

[RxnMan]

Rxn, I'm with you. still waiting to hopefully hear from a school I'm waitlisted at, and there is hope there apparently. Hubby's last day at work was June 1, we're working on the house (it's going on the market in one week tops), we don't know where we're going for sure yet, no place to live yet, no job for him yet... My kids and husband are leaving everything they've ever known and loved to chase my dream. I know it's going to be ok, but I'm stressing BIG TIME.

just remember to breathe and eat good food. It helps. A cute little dog or cat to pet a couple of times a day helps too.

It's a lot of responsibility. It feels selfish, in a way, to so drastically affect another's life like this.

My girlfriend and I are heading up to Albany next week to check out apartments. We've decided that we have to put down a deposit. That's f'ed up - we've got to choose a place so fast!

She's allergic to dogs and I to cats, so good idea (especially dogs, I love 'em), but it won't work here! She doesn't have a job yet either, but one morning during our trip is set aside for us to put in face time (she with potential employers, I with potential researchers/mentors).

I thought you and I were going to arrange some sort of group-move thing on the way out to NE.

 

[amiga]

I am so glad to know that I am not the only person stressing out. After a long and stressful year applying, finally, I got off the waiting list. I was so happy that I will be on my way to my dreams, however, very soon after getting that, I was overwhelmed by all the responsibilities, the work load, the choices, and just about everything. I realized that it is only the start of a long journey.
I admit that I am a worrier to begin with. But giving up a career, and pretty much putting my life aside for another 7 to 9 years is a big deal. My boy friend of 6 years would have to look for another job (I so love him for being very supportive, while I am just being "selfish"). Before that happens (if ever), I will have to move in by myself in dorms. I will be seriously in debt (my international status does not help with loan applications), and I do not even know when I will have the time to have a family. And the course work, tons of stuff to remember, the work schedule.
Thanks for everyone here for sharing their experience and thoughts. Good luck to all non-trad chasing their dreams.

Rxn, I'm with you. still waiting to hopefully hear from a school I'm waitlisted at, and there is hope there apparently. Hubby's last day at work was June 1, we're working on the house (it's going on the market in one week tops), we don't know where we're going for sure yet, no place to live yet, no job for him yet... My kids and husband are leaving everything they've ever known and loved to chase my dream. I know it's going to be ok, but I'm stressing BIG TIME.

just remember to breathe and eat good food. It helps. A cute little dog or cat to pet a couple of times a day helps too.

 

[chopstick1]

I know exactly what you're feeling noonday, I am leaving a comfortable job of 8yrs as an ER RN for the rugged terrain of med school. having to leave friends that have become my family, trading a good salary for student loans, a steady home for the constant uncertainity of rotations and moving. I too have a lot of worries.....

a friend once said to me, "the best place to be in life is when your a little scared about the experience ahead but excited enough to do it. draw support from your friends/family at home and lean on your fellow classmates. as time passes and new friendships develop, life will get easier". good luck to us all!

 

[prana_md]

Where has this thread been hiding for all these weeks?
Noonday, I feel ya. All too well.

A month ago, people would say to me, "you must be so excited!" and I'd agree. Now, they say it and I smile politely, end the conversation, and run away. I've been going through anti-anxiety meds (which I take occasionally, under good circumstances) like crazy. I also keep having bouts of nausea, which I'm sure are somatic.

I've been trying to defend against the terror by arming myself with knowledge. I'm going to LA, so I've bought some guide books, some maps, a book about the history of LA. I printed out the bus lines for the Big Blue Bus. I bought "First Cut" to read about the anatomy lab.

But still, the anxiety is there. I knocked off a big stressor this week by buying a used car from my friend. I'd been worrying about that for weeks. Now to find an apartment ...

It's gonna suck. We're gonna get lost. We're gonna feel lost. We're going to have to find new coffee shops to study in, new grocery stores, new corner liquor stores (very important!). And then little by little, we'll start to feel at home.

I'm glad it's not just me. Hang in there, everyone!

 

[noonday]

I've been trying to defend against the terror by arming myself with knowledge. I'm going to LA, so I've bought some guide books, some maps, a book about the history of LA. I printed out the bus lines for the Big Blue Bus.

i went to grad school in LA years ago. i recommend getting a Thomas Bros. map book, it's invaluable. also, the book "city of quartz" is a good socio-political history of LA in the 20th century....and could name great cheap food places if you want...

hey...that's an idea...who knows what cities, and who's moving to what cities? maybe we can share insider tips on places to get there a little "armed" witha coffee shop or restaurant or bar two under our belts, and that might make it a little better, feel a little less unknown.

i've lived in boston, DC, LA and SF, though my boston and DC info is likely a little outdated...but i'll still give tips from what i remember of them. and i'm moving th NYC (queens) and though i've been to NY before, really know nothing of the area in terms of places to go/no go etc.

 

[FDoRoML]

Yes, I agree with Prana... thank goodness noonday had the guts to post it. You know how the SDN flames can fly if you seem even the least bit ungrateful for your seat at school.

Seriously, I am totally stressed about uprooting everything. It's funny because my PI (lab research) is the most awesome person in the world to work for/with. It's really going to suck leaving him and my work... and my students and post-docs and little furry ones. I'm sure I'll get all emotional and try my best to hide it on the last few days. Argh.

But, I'm also uprooting my husband. While he's supportive and really proud of me and all that jazz, he's had to leave a really stable job and broadcasting roots in the DC/Baltimore metro area (networking is 8/10s of the work!). He already started his new job up in PA and is commuting for this month and it's really taking its toll on him. Not the commute... the prospect that he feels all is riding on this new gig. He feels like he'll have to be holding us up for the next 4 years and, even though I insist it's the same as always only I won't have the income we're used to, I can see he's tense... tough sleeping, grumpy, etc.

I think Shy has it really tough-- uprooting a husband AND kids. It's a great adventure if you can see it that way, but us non-trads have grown accustomed to life being a certain way and when family is involved, stability is key... predictability (of some things) is also key. I think it's really awesome that everyone who has family in this is getting the support they need. I don't need anyone to tell me I'll do OK in school... I just want assurance that I'm not giving them an ulcer! You know?

For those doing it on their own, I know it seems like you have no support structure to lean on. It's a two-edged sword, though. You aren't dragging another into the big change, either. But rest assured you will make new friends in school... and I highly recommend you pick one thing to do outside of school-- find a group of people who aren't med students so you can "get away" in a social situation. Or, hey, just find some non-trads in med school who already know how to put school on the backburner for life when the time comes. It's the best way to stay sane and look from the outside in and see-- why you are doing this, what the ultimate reward is, and how friggin' insanely full of gonads you are to make the move that most people can only dream of.

 

[cfdavid]

Remember how important it will be never to look back when things get tough in med school. This especially applies to those that are leaving good/comfortable situations. Because, it's natural to want to gravitate back to your comfort level.

By no means am I saying that any of us will actually do that (I have faith in my fellow non-trads!!!), but just be aware of it.

I can't stress enough how important it is to look at this as a process, not only to become a competent medical professional, but to grow as an individual. To better yourself, and push yourself beyond what you may have thought possible. You'll look back with pride, and a huge sense of accomplishment.

Like many others have stated, it's really important to enjoy this journey. At the end of each 3-4 hour study session at the local Starbucks (I prefer Carribou) you have just grown a little bit. And with every new experience that makes you nervous or uncomfortable, you'll grow even more. That's why doctors have confidence (some perhaps too much). Because that's what that stuff does. Our confidence in our abilities will continue to evolve and grow, with each hurdle that we overcome.

Also realize that some people will never understand why people do what we'll be doing to become MD/DO's. Some people just can't (and never will. so don't waste your time) conceptualize how someone could actually enjoy learning anatomy, or get satisfaction out of doing well on a hard earned physiology exam (even though you studied all weekend for it). And some find it almost impossible to undertake such debt (really the best investment you'll ever make in yourself and family, in my opinion). So, don't bother trying to make such people understand. Some may not be capable. Not our problem.

The above such people are those to be avoided if possible. Because, during a weak moment, they may make you doubt yourself. So, just be aware of these dynamics up front.

Hell, when things DO get tough, let's just come to SDN and pull each other through.

 

[prana_md]

brrrrr ... those damn cold feet are still there!

 

[noonday]

brrrrr ... those damn cold feet are still there!

yeah. i hear you.

even my electric blanket isn't helping on these cold SF summer nights...

sigh.

prana...we'll get through. we will. really (saying to convince myself as much as anyone else.)

 

[medicomel]

I've also been experiencing bouts of nausea for the past two weeks as I've been dealing with administrative tasks for moving, and for wrapping up the last few weeks at work. I have friends, family, and coworkers who support me, but at the pit of my stomach I still have that fear of the unknown and, ultimately, of failure.

I guess we just have to go through this and, hopefully, once orientation is underway, we'll feel better. I know I felt reinvigorated during second look, and I'm hoping that things will fall into place by mid-August.

Good luck to everybody on this thread. I'm so glad I found this thread and will be checking back daily...

 

[medworm]

I too feel sick to my stomach. Not happy about giving up all the (perpetual) happiness that I've got going for me right now. I will miss my hobbies!

 

[Wickedgood]

yeah. i hear you.

even my electric blanket isn't helping on these cold SF summer nights...

sigh.

prana...we'll get through. we will. really (saying to convince myself as much as anyone else.)

I HIGHLY reccomend wool clogs - they keep your feetsies warm and you can still be mobile.

Seriously though (well, I DO love clogs) good luck with all the changes everyone is facing. I'm sure you guys have thought it all through before - when times were less stressful - now you might need to just put it into auto-pilot and trust that the decisions you made months beforehand were the right decisions for you.

 

[chrisjohn]

You received what you wished for. Don't be nervous.

I can't wait!

 

[prana_md]

You received what you wished for. Don't be nervous.

I can't wait!

I know, I know. That's the irony of the whole thing. It's what I've been working for for 4 years.

I'm taking a mental health day from work.

The stomach thing got so bad that I even got tested for hepatitis! (I had an unfortunate drunken run-in with a drainage ditch in Mexico a few months ago) All my labs came back normal, and my psychiatrist just kind of raised an eyebrow at me.

Maybe I need a piercing or a tatoo or something.

 

[cfdavid]

I'm not being facetious or condescending here. I know most of this banter is just pre-medschool butterflies and is not to be taken too seriously. We're all kind of bonding, and we all admit to some anxiety due to the enormity of what we're entering into.
But, if the anxiety is really getting bad, perhaps talk to a doc to see if you can get some benzo's (ativan, klonipin). You could take them situationally if you get a panic attack of sorts, or whatever.

 

[cfdavid]

You received what you wished for. Don't be nervous.

I can't wait!

I guess there's a pretty fine line between some anxiety and excitement (physiologically that is! lol)

But, I agree. Sometimes you need to boil it down to a simple, concise F.UCK IT! And, BRING IT ON!

 

[medicomel]

...F.UCK IT! And, BRING IT ON!

that totally makes me feel better. thanks!

 

[prana_md]

But, if the anxiety is really getting bad, perhaps talk to a doc to see if you can get some benzo's (ativan, klonipin). You could take them situationally if you get a panic attack of sorts, or whatever.

I'm already drinking at that well, but thanks, you're right.

 

[cfdavid]

that totally makes me feel better. thanks!

Sorry to disappoint. That one came from the very depths of my brain! Very intuitive and insightful, I know! Thought provoking even..........

 

[a_ditchdoc]

I can relate, in a way, to the fears you are having. I surrendered a job I held for 12 years, and still loved, in order to atend medical school. Although I, and my employer, always knew what my goals were, it was still difficult to leave. In a period of one month I quit my job, sold my house, gave away my belongings, said my goodbyes, and left to a country torn with conflict. A place where I had no personal, religious, or idealogical ties.

Prior to leaving, although I never had many doubts about what I wanted to do, or was going to do, I was sick at the thought of leaving my family for four years. They had often depended on me and I served as the mediator for the family and offered some degree of stability and financial support when needed. I did the most selfish thing I had ever considered, I left them for a place six thousand miles away. Their protests did nothing to change my mind, but did a lot to increase the morning nausea I experienced prior to leaving and the guilt I would later come to have. I still didn't hesitate as I boarded the plane. I was doing what I had always wanted to do.

My initial integration into my new environment was less than smoothe to say the least. For the first few months I continued to live from my suitcases. I filled my house with plants to remind me of the greenery of home. Buddhist chants resonated through my apartment at all times of the day and night. The calls I expected from my friends and long time coworkers never came...the e-mails were rather sparse as well. Academically I struggled. During my first visit home my classmates wondered if I would return. I was actually wondering the same thing. But, it all passed.

It has been three years now. My family has survived wonderfully without me and have become strong supporters as I pursue my dreams. I rarely miss my job lthough I keep in touch with my friends. Academically I am doing well. I even let all of my plants die...well, it was unintentional neglect. It has not been an easy path. The fears I had concerning medical school were never realized. The truth is, it is much easier, and harder, than you can imagine at the moment. I know, you think I contradicted myself. Let me explain. The difficulties that you have imagined, are not the ones that you are necessarily going to face. The long hours you anticipate, the days without sleep, will probably only be transient periods before exams and during a few clinical rotations. I have had more consistent sleep in medical school than I ever had before. Studying tirelessly until the wee hours of the morning are seldom required if you are at all efficient. Wondering if you were meant to be among all of the "gifted" students that are in your class will also resolve itself, there will be people stronger and weaker than yourself. You will have many opportunities to discover who you truly are. In fact, you will have an edge over your classmates that went from highschool, to college, to medical school. Most of them know little about life in the sense that you do. The maturity level was initially astounding to me, but I was surprised at how quickly our maturity levels met in the middle (Theirs increased, mine regressed).

You initial efforts should be placed on getting comfortable in you environment and making peace with yourself about your decision. The academics will take care of themselves when your thoughts are not dwelling on other things. If they let you into medical school, you are certainly capable of making it to the end. Medical school is no different than your undergraduate with the exception that the volume is increased. Someone once likened it to trying to soak up a river with a paper towel. It sometimes seems futile to even try. There is so much to learn that you will never catch it all, just do your best to soak up what you can as it rushes by.

I wish you all the best on your new journey...

 

[ShyRem]

My friend, that was a beautiful post. I wish you well in your future.

 

[cfdavid]

The maturity level was initially astounding to me, but I was surprised at how quickly our maturity levels met in the middle (Theirs increased, mine regressed).

I seriously worry about this......

I have a histology course this summer, and I found out that a girl in my class is going to the same med school as I am. She was "bragging" about not knowing how much tuition even was (I could have told her 5k or 100k and she wouldn't have known), had no clue about anything related to the curriculum, and had no idea about how financial aid worked (her dad did it).............

I honestly couldn't believe it. Hey, we were all young once, but it was the cavaliere attitude that kind of threw me (like it was cool that she was admittedly clueless) But, I'm sure she's the exception.....

 

[FDoRoML]

Hey CF,

Don't count on her not being the norm. As much as everyone on SDN likes to think of themselves as dignified and mature... the average med school class still hovers around 22 (average, I say-- don't worry, I'm here to help sway the average higher, too!). I've seen that 1st years especially seem almost worse than college kids-- regression? not sure why.

One of my students who's doing his MD/PhD (so he's been around almost as long as me!) even told me that at our super-dignified-top-5 med school, they bascially act like they're in high school (gabbing incessantly about who's doing whom, not taking things seriously during patient visits, etc). Oh yeah... and there's also the hook-ups. Personally, I'm married and loving it so it's a non-issue for me anyway, but there is no way in hell I'd want to be boffing another med student (particularly not on ein the same year)! Yeesh.

So, all of us non-trads who are a little older and more stable (with a view of what it's like to live in the real world) need to take a deep breath and set a good example. It all changes rather quickly for most during the clinical years, anyway. Even if they don't "grow up" they still have to be able to put on the air of maturity, anyway.

BTW-- not disparaging all you 22-y-o's who might ready this... I know there are exceptions to the rule. You just haven't lived until you've been on a bus with a gaggle of M1 chicks babbling about how hot he is, how slutty she is, what type of makeup they prefer, etc.

 

[cfdavid]

Boy, I can hardly wait..........

I'm kidding. Oh well, it'll be an exercise in patience I guess.

Thanks FD

 

[Wednesday]

Hi guys,

Just wanted to say that in four years you might look back on this thread and smile. I had to move (back) across the country for med school when I thought I had escaped that coast, and when we dropped off the rental car we used to get there, my partner and I felt so trapped and sad. We had no car (lived in the city) and no friends and no family near by. Now that we have moved back across the country for residency, we are both wondering if we made a mistake to leave a place we now feel so connected to. We made amazing friends, both from school and from within the community and we ended up really loving the area. If it hadn't been 3000 miles from our family, we would have stayed (and honestly we still wonder if we should have). Hopefully when we're done with four years here we will feel simularly about this new place.

The thing about med school is that it's such an intense experience you will end up very connected: to the place, to the school, to your classmates. I actually ended up making friends with some of those 22year olds (I'm six years older than them) and although they are sort of in a different place that I am sometimes, we have a very rich shared experience and all of us forget about the age difference most of the time. I know that these are friends I will have forever.

It's gonna be hard. But it's worth it. As a non-trad you should have the unique perspective to be able to enjoy every minute of the experience. Do. It flies by and in no time you'll be somewhere else perhaps even pining for the place that you are hesitant to move to now.

 

[badtouch]

been reading these boards for awhile. Funny, how everyone feels the same as I do. I'll be leaving my job of 8 years to start med school in August. I just got a raise and nice bonus the other day and now I'm freaking out that all my income is going to zero. I've been working toward my med school goal for almost 2 years now. Now that it is here I'm having to convince myself all over again that this is what I want. I keep thinking of how miserable I would be if I worked at my current job for another 4 years. Then I think, I could change companies but that would just be delaying the inevitable boredom that is my career.

 

[onephile]

glad i'm not the only one with nerves.
last year i left an awesome job, as did my husband, to accept a new job in which we both travelled cross country for the last 9 months. total leap of faith that all would work out- my getting into med school, and as a catalyst for a new career for my husband. i was scared about that as well, but lo and behold, it was the best move we ever made. now, we are moving back to our home city, where med school is. found the best house ever, one block from school, and my husband is in the process of getting an great job he probably wouldn't have had a shot at before. so, in the last year, we have quit our jobs, started a new one, gotten married, moved out of our house and to a new town, traveled internationally and to 30 states, will be moving back, i will be starting med school, and my husband a new job.
one of the most exciting times in our lives, and we have both grown together and seperately as individuals.
i think profound change is a time of great apprehension and fear, but mostly those times are a great opportunity, which is sometimes hard to realize. this is a time to test your metal, to see what you are made of. lift your head up and try and see that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
ok, even with all of this inspirational stuff, i am still nervous as he**!

 

[prana_md]

I've reached this strange equanimity about the whole thing over the past few days ... it's as if I couldn't freak out any more, so my mind just gave up. I'm sure it will come again in waves, but for now I'm off to LA to find a place to live. We'll see what a change in geography does to my mood!

 

[rux]

Thanks for this thread. I'm also glad to see I'm not the only one wondering these things.

 

[lpressley130]

Thanks for this thread. I'm also glad to see I'm not the only one wondering these things.

I'd like to also echo the "Thanks" from rux. This is very helpful.

 

[1Path]

THIS is a GREAT thread!

 

[montessori2md]

Thanks to everyone for posting -I feel like I've taken a tiny leap compared to all of you -I've only just begun taking my prereqs (orgo I down, here come's II !!). But I think a lot about whether I can really do this to my family -I'm hoping I can stay in the area for school. My husband has been super, my son clueless (he's 2). I have a teaching job I love, and just finished out the year, so my head is full of compliments and thanks from all the families leaving my classroom. It's making me feel a bit guilty and hesitant about taking everything I've learned in my classroom AWAY from it, and applying it elsewhere. (The fact that I think I nailed my final makes me forget all that a little bit).

While studying for my final, dealing with a toddler with an ear infection, scrambling to close out my classroom for the year, etc etc, I didn't think about ANY of the above.

So as far as cold feet go -think of it this way- as soon as you're in school and thinking about anatomy lab (how cool is that!) and studying for your biochem exam, you're not going to have time to be nervous.

In fact, you probably won't have time to be nervous until dec., by which point you and your fam will have settled into a routine anyhow. And if not, you'll have the break to figure out a routine that works.

 

[Doctor Bagel]

So as far as cold feet go -think of it this way- as soon as you're in school and thinking about anatomy lab (how cool is that!) and studying for your biochem exam, you're not going to have time to be nervous.

In fact, you probably won't have time to be nervous until dec., by which point you and your fam will have settled into a routine anyhow. And if not, you'll have the break to figure out a routine that works.

That's exactly what I've been telling myself. It's just the summer that's going to be a bit rough.