Things I Learn From My Patients

[medic15]

The AIC asked her if she spoke english. I almost told him that the county doesnt have an ebonics translator on call.

In my defense it was 2am and you couldn't see more then 4 ft in that house do to all the cigarete smoke

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[medic15]

My advice, call in the police and let them handle it.

Unless of course you get the cop that decides Pepper spray is the best solution for the diabetic wrestling with an ambulance crew in a bedroom the size of a cubicle

 

[Daiphon]

if you are a large, muscular black male, who happens to be butt-naked after first assaulting 2 police officers (rather fetching, i might add), a security guard, a paramedic - flung that guy through the door, and a nurse; losing your gown, and then absconding from my trauma bay (after seeing me talk to 2 police officers about the GSW to your leg that occurred in circumstances under which you have been less than consistent when responding to questioning)...

and you run out into the middle of the night into a relatively affluent, non-minority area, do not be surprised to be found when a LOL calls the cops because a "big scary black guy" is hiding behind your statue of the Madonna on your front lawn.

and, on return to the ED so that we can finish our exam of your GSW which did not hit anything vital but you continually asked "am i going to die," do not be surprised when my staff and nurses are less than happy to help you when you complain that your leg hurts - but it worked fine enough to assault them and expose the world to a very unpleasant sight.

i love the trauma service. d=)

 

[deleted65604]

A little background...

This inmate (who is a violent rapist, among many other thinfs, doing year 2 of 200 in prison) comes in complaining of "I swallowed a razor blade". He spits up some blood for the guards to make it believable and they take him to our ER. I imagine that he was upset when the resident told him they were going to x-ray him top to bottom to see where it was... no razor on x-rays, but they did show a foreign body which was subsequently identified by the cops as a hand cuff key . When we all realized what the man had planned, we had to laugh. Why didn't the idiot (well OK, he's fairly imaginitive) ram his head into the bars and give himself a lac that needed to be sewed, or complain of blindness or something?

What I learned: If I am ever in prison and decide that the one way to get out is to complain of a medical problem to get to the more easily escapable local ER, I will not pick one of the view complaints that indicate imaging of my rectum. Can you imagine what that guy would have done to some nurse/tech/doctor that would have had the misfortune of standing in his way?

Scary, ironic, and funny.

 

[psychbender]

When you get drunk at a friend's place, and decide to stumble home, be sure to watch out for those dastardly clothing bandits. You never know when they'll jump out of the bushes and steal your clothes, then push you into a bush, scraping up your knees. When PD and EMS find you, stark naked, pounding on someone else's door, reassure us that you're ok, and can make it home, despite not having keys...or pants...or much of anything else, and inform us of said bandits who stole your clothes while you walking down the street, minding your own business.

 

[Paws]

BMI of 101 before gastric bypass surgery = bad
BMI of 55 one year after gastric bypass surgery = worse?

I'm still trying to figure out how someone can actually BE a BMI of 101 .... what does that look like? A big puddle of human pudding?

 

[Daiphon]

I'm still trying to figure out how someone can actually BE a BMI of 101 .... what does that look like? A big puddle of human pudding?

.

 

[deleted109597]

I'm still trying to figure out how someone can actually BE a BMI of 101 .... what does that look like? A big puddle of human pudding?

5'8" and 665 lbs.


Takes two trips to haul ass.
When she sits around the house, she really sits around the house.

 

[Ceez]

Here's a lesson I learned:

If you want to avoid having Child Services come down to talk to you, wait until your child has had his head lac sutured and is dispo'ed before pulling out your bottle of Wild Turkey at bedside and taking sips. Or hide the bottle from the nurses, for goodness sake!

 

[deuist]

Takes two trips to haul ass.
When she sits around the house, she really sits around the house.

When she wears a Malcolm X T-shirt, helicopters mistake her for a landing pad.

 

[hyperbaric]

Here's a lesson I learned:

If you want to avoid having Child Services come down to talk to you, wait until your child has had his head lac sutured and is dispo'ed before pulling out your bottle of Wild Turkey at bedside and taking sips. Or hide the bottle from the nurses, for goodness sake!

Or offer to share.

 

[Daiphon]

When she wears a Malcolm X T-shirt, helicopters mistake her for a landing pad.

her belly button has its own life guard.

 

[Wackie]

her belly button has its own life guard.

...she fell in love and broke it.

 

[SIANNI]

my patients are a wonderful source of inspiration and I learn something from each and every one of them. They are so special.

 

[Rbrav]

I'm still trying to figure out how someone can actually BE a BMI of 101 .... what does that look like? A big puddle of human pudding?

She was a big puddle of human pudding and wound-colonizing acinetobacter :-/

 

[Daiphon]

...she fell in love and broke it.

she sat on a quarter and snot shot out of washington's nose

 

[EM2BE]

Im 6'2 240lbs. Im not skinny but im not that fat either. They always send me in first. While i let the cops handle it as much as possible but sometimes its just easier for me to do it. It takes me back to my days as a bouncer. One thing i've learned is to never underestimate the strenght of a mentally handicapped person.

I haven't been in this thread for a while, but I had to comment on this one. I have worked with several mentally handicapped people (mostly kids) and I will say that if any one of them did not want something, they could easily hold their own. I know my sister is one of them, and I wonder if others are like her: been on steroidal therapy for around 5-6 months. She has been even stronger since then (but was still quite strong before).

 

[Taaki]

I haven't been in this thread for a while, but I had to comment on this one. I have worked with several mentally handicapped people (mostly kids) and I will say that if any one of them did not want something, they could easily hold their own. I know my sister is one of them, and I wonder if others are like her: been on steroidal therapy for around 5-6 months. She has been even stronger since then (but was still quite strong before).

I used to work with mentally disabled/handicapped adults. Size just does not matter. It took me (not petite) and a very large 6'4 man to take down a 90lb female. I don't know if it is sheer will, or how pure their emotions are that fuel this strength, either way, I got my ass kicked.

 

[EM2BE]

I used to work with mentally disabled/handicapped adults. Size just does not matter. It took me (not petite) and a very large 6'4 man to take down a 90lb female. I don't know if it is sheer will, or how pure their emotions are that fuel this strength, either way, I got my ass kicked.

I have to concur on that one. Even those that look weak will have the capability to take a person down. However, if one is bigger, be careful. We used to have to call the police for one of the kids (one under 21). Not fun at all (the whole building went under 'lock-down').

 

[Anuwolf]

I have to concur on that one. Even those that look weak will have the capability to take a person down. However, if one is bigger, be careful. We used to have to call the police for one of the kids (one under 21). Not fun at all (the whole building went under 'lock-down').

thats humorous!

 

[Dimoak]

I have to concur on that one. Even those that look weak will have the capability to take a person down. However, if one is bigger, be careful. We used to have to call the police for one of the kids (one under 21). Not fun at all (the whole building went under 'lock-down').

I used to work at Special Recreations, and that sounds about right. I was initially hired to work with some of the larger participants (at 6'0" 215lbs I'm not exactly a giant, but not too small either). I remember how much of a struggle it would be to either get some of the larger participants out of the pool or even restraining them from running out onto the road. I think alot of that strength has something to do with, as some others mentioned, the lack of restraint either consciously or subconsciously regarding their actions and their consequences is what may make people so formidable; when they go at you or something else with the full brunt of their body, it can be quite a thing to deal with.

 

[Depakote]

Something I've learned from the floor nurses.

They really love it when you call 911 from your hospital room.

 

[Anuwolf]

Something I've learned from the floor nurses.

They really love it when you call 911 from your hospital room.

I love your name and your avatar

I also love your post... LOL people actually call 911 from their hospital beds? Just how stupid is that?!?!?

 

[Depakote]

Your wish is my command. Introducing the complete line of SDN Forum "What I Learned From My Patients" wear:

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I feel so beaten to the punch... V_V

 

[Biteme]

I am new here and I have been reading this thread every day for over a year now and I though I would put in my 2 cents. I us to be a Private Health Care Aid and one of the things I learned from one of my patients was if you have lung cancer it's a little to late to quite smoking.

-Biteme-

 

[Orthonut]

Today, while trying to just stay on my seat on the bus ride to school (I think it must have been open quals for the IRL) I happened to glance out the window and what do I see? A boat named... "Mofine". It was one of those go-fast types that the drug runners like to use (of course, other normal law abiding citizens use them too but still, Mofine and a gofast lol)

 

[Dunce]

http://www.cafepress.com/socmob

If you get the SOCMOB t-shirt you definitely have to go sleeveless!

 

[EMT2RN2MD]

A deerstand is not a safe place to smoke weed.

Minding your own business seems to instigate more beat downs that talkin' **** or meddlin'.

Apparently some women have "bo-ginas" and they are usually "stankin'"

And, some kids can get " so hot, I can't keep my hand on him". I'm guessing that's somewhere around 130 F.

 

[PsyDGrrrl]

.

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHHA.

 

[Wackie]

No means yes.


Question asked to one patient w/ chest pain- "Any alcohol or drug use?"
A- "Oh, no, no. Never touch the stuff."

Drug tests reveal cocaine and opiates.


We get the drug screen back from a patient wanting to be admitted to detox. Admits to abusing Xanax and cocaine and wants to get off his drug addictions.

Drug tests come back squeaky clean.


Go figger.

 

[Wackie]

Oh, and if you're homeless and are trying to find a cozy place to sleep, get a cough. Get a dx of bronchitis and be sent out the door.
Come back later. When the same doctor comes in to look at you, fake that you don't recognize someone you saw just a few hours ago and change your complaint slightly. "I have asthma."
When the doctor does an exam again, explains that there's nothing else to do really, respond with "But I's sick."
"But I's sick" is the verbal secret handshake to getting a room.

 

[hyperbaric]

Something I've learned from the floor nurses.

They really love it when you call 911 from your hospital room.

To expand upon the 'calling for help theme'...

The local ambulance company will not take you from the waiting area of one ED to another local ED because 'it is taking too long' even if you contact them via 911.

 

[sphincter tone]

If an eight year old girl sitting next to you on the bus suddenly screams "I'm choking!!!" the appropriate course of action is to pull the emergency button, grab the kid and immediatly begin doing the Heimlich (sp?) maneuver as she continues to scream....

When EMS shows up and demands that you stop pounding this (obviously breathing) child's abdomen, please proceed to insist that you are saving the kid's life and accuse them of trying to kill her... if you tack on a few gratuitous comments about racisim and attempted genocide this will go over particularly well.

After (finally) putting the child down, inform EMS that they can leave since you have "Saved her life". Complain loudly that they're "money-grubbing" *****s for insisting on transporting given that the girl is now in the fetal position complaining of severe abdominal pain.

Your good citizen medal is in the mail

 

[leviathan]

If an eight year old girl sitting next to you on the bus suddenly screams "I'm choking!!!" the appropriate course of action is to pull the emergency button, grab the kid and immediatly begin doing the Heimlich (sp?) maneuver as she continues to scream....

When EMS shows up and demands that you stop pounding this (obviously breathing) child's abdomen, please proceed to insist that you are saving the kid's life and accuse them of trying to kill her... if you tack on a few gratuitous comments about racisim and attempted genocide this will go over particularly well.

After (finally) putting the child down, inform EMS that they can leave since you have "Saved her life". Complain loudly that they're "money-grubbing" *****s for insisting on transporting given that the girl is now in the fetal position complaining of severe abdominal pain.

Your good citizen medal is in the mail

Tonight on 20/20: When public CPR courses go wrong!

 

[gutonc]

Yesterday I learned that when you're jonesin' for a drink (after both you and your seemingly trustworthy wife told us 8 hours earlier that you haven't had a drink since 1975), a bottle of alcohol-based hand gel goes down real smooth. It's best to then light a cigarette in the room...that's good times.

We're thinking about using this for EtOH withdrawal from now on. 4 pumps q6h x1d, 2 pumps q6h on day 2, etc.

BE (now PE)

 

[DropkickMurphy]

I love your name and your avatar

I also love your post... LOL people actually call 911 from their hospital beds? Just how stupid is that?!?!?

Actually I wouldn't be suprised if you're on Depakote (the medication, not the member....)

 

[DropkickMurphy]

Tonight on 20/20: When public CPR courses go wrong!

More like when ******s breed......

 

[Anuwolf]

Actually I wouldn't be suprised if you're on Depakote (the medication, not the member....)

I do not take Depakote. I take Xanax instead, which is better

Oh that reminds me of something... I've got 3 pills left... maybe I can go to my local hospital and force myself to be get trigggered (you might be surprise that I have white coat syndrome) so I can get some refills? Not to mention get filled up with a high dose of ativan?

 

[emtcsmith]

using the complaint at triage "I have no complaints" when asked only makes things harder. If your trying to get a bed since you missed the cut off for the shelter cut the chase. IE "I hear voices" ...now thats better.

 

[spyderdoc]

No means yes


Question asked to one patient w/ chest pain- "Any alcohol or drug use?"
A- "Oh, no, no. Never touch the stuff."

Drug tests reveal cocaine and opiates.

Oh yeah, had a jittery wheezing guy the other night who says he is 2 years clean from meth. Surprise surprise when the UDS was positive.....Must have taken that new Meth SR for his last dose 2 yrs ago

 

[91bEMT]

a few from an Army hospital:

1. IF you have a "boil" 2cm wide on your scrotum, it would be wise to NOT lance it with fingernail clippers that you just used to cut warts off the same scrotum..

2 while the EMT staff does appriciate your considerate behavior you may want to call for a pick-up instead of running to the hospital three miles away to tell us your 360 lb wife just had a baby while taking a bath in the tub, while informing us that the baby is blue but its because the bath water was cold..

3. when your a marine on a live fire range throwing grenades into a dirt covered box you may wish to wait until after the "boom" before you go back around the box to see if it went in... you might also inform your squad not to follow you when you check before the "boom" this will save you all countless frag wounds.. also asking the surgeon to "wrap up them metal bits" because you want to send them to your mother may not be a good idea... its an even worse idea to stick your finger into the holes and try to scrape out the "metal bits" after the surgeon tells you they will be thrown away..

 

[docB]

"But I watched how the electrician did it last time."
"Really. Did the electrician touch the 220 pole and zap himself unconscious too?"

 

[Pingu]

While pistol whipping, it is best to ensure that your gun safety is on.

Although the 'Scarface' necklace makes you look like a badass, someone will still shoot you six times in the back. Al Pacino aka Tony Montana wouldn't have gone out like that.

Courtesy of the medical examiner...an adjunct of emergency medicine with an entirely different residency. Pathology...we pick up where you left off

 

[Apollyon]

Courtesy of the medical examiner...an adjunct of emergency medicine with an entirely different residency. Pathology...we pick up where you left off

I've thought something like this while reading Spitz and Fischer, but didn't word it so concisely. Bravo!

edit: Brava!

 

[Quadratic]

I work in a family practice office, but I figured you guys might enjoy these:

If you insert change into a vending machine, and it does not dispense your selected product, don't call maintenance or SOMEONE who might be able to assist you. At this point, the only reasonable option is to go twelve rounds with the machine. Of course, no matter how badly you damage the machine, it is more probable that you will feel more pain that it will. When you lose your heavyweight title in the first round after the second punch, proceed to come to your local family practicioner. Get angry with the doctor who can't abra kadabra your fx (his powers are weak because he's busy holding in his laughter from looking at your haircut, which consists of a clean cut but with a few 6 inch hair segments emerging from the top front of your head which have been dyed green ). Get angry with the business card the nurses give you for a referral for X-ray. Tear it up. Rip it into smaller pieces for good measure. That ought to teach them not to screw with you.

Just because you've aged doesn't mean you're senile. Nope, things upstairs are clicking just like they did 30 years ago. It is therefore unquestionable that you left your dentures here during your checkup earlier today. After all, verification of your current adhesive is such an important part of the physical these days.

Telling the staff that you brought them doughnuts and upon entrance revealing that the box is actually empty is a quick and efficient way to gain bonus points. Now when the nurse assistants won't have casual conversation with you, they're just playing "hard to get." Deep down inside, they really want to reactivate your fossil penis...which even though it predates Abraham, can still erupt at the same intensity as that of volcanoes.

 

[EM2BE]

I work in a family practice office, but I figured you guys might enjoy these:

If you insert change into a vending machine, and it does not dispense your selected product, don't call maintenance or SOMEONE who might be able to assist you. At this point, the only reasonable option is to go twelve rounds with the machine. Of course, no matter how badly you damage the machine, it is more probable that you will feel more pain that it will. When you lose your heavyweight title in the first round after the second punch, proceed to come to your local family practicioner. Get angry with the doctor who can't abra kadabra your fx (his powers are weak because he's busy holding in his laughter from looking at your haircut, which consists of a clean cut but with a few 6 inch hair segments emerging from the top front of your head which have been dyed green ). Get angry with the business card the nurses give you for a referral for X-ray. Tear it up. Rip it into smaller pieces for good measure. That ought to teach them not to screw with you.

Just because you've aged doesn't mean you're senile. Nope, things upstairs are clicking just like they did 30 years ago. It is therefore unquestionable that you left your dentures here during your checkup earlier today. After all, verification of your current adhesive is such an important part of the physical these days.

Telling the staff that you brought them doughnuts and upon entrance revealing that the box is actually empty is a quick and efficient way to gain bonus points. Now when the nurse assistants won't have casual conversation with you, they're just playing "hard to get." Deep down inside, they really want to reactivate your fossil penis...which even though it predates Abraham, can still erupt at the same intensity as that of volcanoes.

Along the same lines...when I was a phlebotomist, there was one too many male patients in the care homes that had the blanket moving up and down and a hand unavailable. Never fails they would use the hand that belongs on the arm with the better veins...especially when they realize you didn't get the stick on your first try and offer you their other arm.

 

[Paws]

I second that barf ... ! But I wonder if they also did that with the male phlebotomists, or only with the girls?

I can't wait til I do my rotations at the VA ...

 

[EM2BE]

I second that barf ... ! But I wonder if they also did that with the male phlebotomists, or only with the girls?

I can't wait til I do my rotations at the VA ...

I never heard any of the guys mention it...but they may not have wanted to admit it happened to them.

 

[khereva]

If an eight year old girl sitting next to you on the bus suddenly screams "I'm choking!!!"

And on a side note, I'd bet cash money it'll be quite a little while before the little darling tries that one again.

 

[sddoc]

Sub thread:

Things I learned from my attending:

If you page the attending twice and call his office, and he doesn't return your phone call for over 90 minutes, it is almost certainly your irresponsible behavior that resulted in his patient delivering her baby 8 weeks early. Stupid intern!

Also, never, EVER document that you called him three times, because that increases his liability and you get your a$$ chewed for an additional 10 minutes.

I LOVE being an intern!