Things I Learn From My Patients

[Spinach Dip]

Yes, but first things first Spinach Dip, you must deliver these orders properly, to establish your authority. Drop them with the proper Iggy Azalea rap flow, "Cup of Ace, cup of Goose, cup of Cris!" so everyone knows you're the "realest."

Damn. I'm not a good rapper.

I guess I'll have to work on those skills before ED rotations.

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[Birdstrike]

Damn. I'm not a good rapper.

I guess I'll have to work on those skills before ED rotations.

If not, your rotation will turn you into one.

#Lighterman

 

[CajunMedic]

Yes, but first things first Spinach Dip, you must deliver these orders properly, to establish your authority. Drop them with the proper Iggy Azalea rap flow, "Cup of Ace, cup of Goose, cup of Cris!" so everyone knows you're the "realest."

Depending on the patient, you could go George Thorogood on 'em, "One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer"

 

[Birdstrike]

Depending on the patient, you could go George Thorogood on 'em, "One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer"

Nice. Love the Buffett-cover avatar, too. Love old school Buffett. A-1-A, great stuff.

 

[JustPlainBill]

A bullet through both eyes does not a fun night make


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Nor does being turned into an organ donor by a pissed off girlfriend who puts a .22 into the temple......lizard brain still works but higher function is gone.....

 

[Birdstrike]

Nor does being turned into an organ donor by a pissed off girlfriend who puts a .22 into the temple......lizard brain still works but higher function is gone.....

FYI- Lizard brain does not seem to hinder ones ability to fill out a Press Ganey survey, nor is it in the exclusion criteria, either.


(You're welcome. That's what I'm here for.)

 

[Cybrludite]

I'm the night shift IT guy for a hospital system in the New Orleans area, and occasionally am down in our Main Campus ED fixing printers & such. A few years back I'm removing some malware off of a computer right next to the psych observation room as the following conversation happens.

Restrained Patient: ::repeatedly:: Oh, God! Oh, Jesus! Just... just take me back to where I was ten minutes ago, and I'll be good, I promise!
Scary Vietnam Vet Security Guy: Damn, that's getting annoying.
Me: How long has he been in there?
SVVSG: 'Bout 45 minutes or so.
Me: Sooooo, what you're saying is he *is* right where he was ten minutes ago.
SVVSG: ::chuckles as he catches my drift:: The Lord does work in mysterious ways, don't He?

 

[Evisju7]

When attempting a self-circumcision do not use dry ice to numb the area... and when the dry ice sticks to the... a.... area, do not attempt to remove the ice with boiling water.

owwwwww. That sounds awful.

 

[sanityonleave]

I learned something from one of my patients today--

I was standing in the room listening to the nurse asking her assessment questions, and as part of their assessment, our nurses always ask a SH including living situation. Cue this scene:

RN: "Do you feel safe at home?"
Patient: "Um, no, not really"
RN: "Why is that?"
Patient: "... I'm a paranoid schizophrenic. I don't feel safe anywhere!"

I had to hand it to her... that's a pretty good argument.

 

[KLPM]

RN: "Do you feel safe at home?"
Patient: "Um, no, not really"
RN: "Why is that?"
Patient: "... I'm a paranoid schizophrenic. I don't feel safe anywhere!"

I would f*cking love to be standing there listening to this and trying my hardest not to laugh.

 

[Jumpstartmy5HT]

"White juice" is an acceptable urban colloquialism for propofol.

 

[MedWonk]

-Smashing the bottom of a wine bottle against a wall may not be the best way to open it.
-Shoving pieces of a Klondike Bar into one's vagina may not, in fact, enhance sexual pleasure. Nor will getting a beej from someone who just ate a meal full of hot chili peppers.

 

[KLPM]

http://www.wjem.org/upload/admin/201406/101b146d9480eb43a22ecd6dbd034639.pdf

Survival From Cardiac Arrest Due to Sushi Suffocation.

This article is full of emergency pearly. A must read.

 

[acceptmeplease]

"White juice" is an acceptable urban colloquialism for propofol.

There are worse things to which it could refer.

 

[EDMD4LIFE]

Broom handles do not belong in vaginas. When plastic cap with hook gets lodged in the cervix and stays there for weeks, the pain and foul discharge will be intense. Plus, you won't be able to hang your broom up anymore.

 

[wholeheartedly]

Broom handles do not belong in vaginas. When plastic cap with hook gets lodged in the cervix and stays there for weeks, the pain and foul discharge will be intense. Plus, you won't be able to hang your broom up anymore.

 

[Cytarabine]

Apparently if your hba1c is 12+, you become hypoglycemic at a glucose of 130

 

[Evisju7]

Broom handles do not belong in vaginas. When plastic cap with hook gets lodged in the cervix and stays there for weeks, the pain and foul discharge will be intense. Plus, you won't be able to hang your broom up anymore.

I just don't even understand how that's possible. Fish it out dangit! WEEKS? lawd.

 

[wholeheartedly]

I just don't even understand how that's possible. Fish it out dangit! WEEKS? lawd.

Alcohol involved maybe. Too drunk at the time to realize the whole thing didn't come out?

So just out of curiosity, how often do people come in with actual sex toys as the issue (being used as designed)? Do you ever just say hey, they make things for this purpose?

 

[Evisju7]

Alcohol involved maybe. Too drunk at the time to realize the whole thing didn't come out?

So just out of curiosity, how often do people come in with actual sex toys as the issue (being used as designed)? Do you ever just say hey, they make things for this purpose?

Good question. Why buy a real one when you can find the same shape for free around the house? Kidding. (Toothbrushes even vibrate)

 

[acceptmeplease]

Alcohol involved maybe. Too drunk at the time to realize the whole thing didn't come out?

So just out of curiosity, how often do people come in with actual sex toys as the issue (being used as designed)? Do you ever just say hey, they make things for this purpose?

I've seen men come in with very large sex toys lodged and they swear it's the first time they've ever used them :/

 

[TrumpetDoc]

Further reaffirmed the observation that those who commit horrible vehicular crimes killing people/almost killing child, never seem to get badly injured themselves. EtOH is protective from self harm in MVCs :/



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[EDMD4LIFE]

If you are having severe flank pain...just like your last pyelo...you should smoke a bunch of meth "to help with the pain". Two days later, present to your nearest ER with sepsis, and look at your doctor like they have 3 heads when they ask why you didn't try Tylenol or motrin for your pain. Your response should be: "cause I don't like takin' no pills".

 

[Saddleshoes]

If you are having severe flank pain...just like your last pyelo...you should smoke a bunch of meth "to help with the pain". Two days later, present to your nearest ER with sepsis, and look at your doctor like they have 3 heads when they ask why you didn't try Tylenol or motrin for your pain. Your response should be: "cause I don't like takin' no pills".

Well I guess I spent too much time working in a correctional center, because this guy actually makes sense to me!

 

[TheProphet]

I'm a non-med (for now, I'm currently a volunteer firefighter but trying to get the time to get my EMT-B), but my father was a paramedic for several years before I was born, and has a few rather colorful stories.

If you appear to have overdosed on drugs, and the paramedic tries to roll you over, don't reach out and stab him in the knee cap. You will get a boot to the head and the cop on scene will not care.

 

[EDMD4LIFE]

Walking around barefoot and not taking care of your huge infected diabetic foot ulcer is a great way to make sure that you get a fast-pass to another BKA to match the one on the other leg
(And, no, I can't just give you some of those free bacitracin packets and send you home.)

 

[docB]

If you routinely get so drunk you fall out of your wheelchair you need to reevaluate your life trajectory.

 

[acceptmeplease]

If you routinely get so drunk you fall out of your wheelchair you need to reevaluate your life trajectory.

..or get a better wheelchair.

 

[WilcoWorld]

..or get a better wheelchair.

At least get one that's low to the ground.

 

[acceptmeplease]

At least get one that's low to the ground.

Some of them have seat belts.

 

[Chip N Sawbones]

And make sure it has cupholders so you don't spill your drink.

 

[Birdstrike]

Seen the ones with ash tray attachments?

Old school.

 

[future_dr_house]

Adding to the list of situations where you need to reevaluate your life:
1. Getting gonorrhea at your colostomy site
2. Giving gonorrhea to a person with a colostomy

 

[KLPM]

Adding to the list of situations where you need to reevaluate your life:
1. Getting gonorrhea at your colostomy site
2. Giving gonorrhea to a person with a colostomy

.........What's the presentation?

 

[Birdstrike]

Adding to the list of situations where you need to reevaluate your life:
1. Getting gonorrhea at your colostomy site
2. Giving gonorrhea to a person with a colostomy

Or the optimist would say that's living life to it's fullest despite great adversity.



Think positive.

 

[acceptmeplease]

Or the optimist would say that's living life to it's fullest despite great adversity.



Think positive.

Exactly. If I were in that situation, I'd probably be thrilled it was only gonorrhea or that whatever funny business occurred didn't mess up my stoma.

...so thankful to be in a monogamous marriage and to have a functioning GI tract.

 

[future_dr_house]

.........What's the presentation?

Ostitution. Duh.

Ostomy is half full, birdstrike!

 

[KLPM]

Not really something I learnt from a patient .......

Patient presented to family doc with 2 weeks history of fatigue and myalgia. Sent to the ED "for investigation of SLE".

I am not sure we're really going to get to the bottom of this in the short 4 hours in ED.

 

[Birdstrike]

Ostitution. Duh.

Ostomy is half full, birdstrike!

 

[VisionaryTics]

Walking around barefoot and not taking care of your huge infected diabetic foot ulcer is a great way to make sure that you get a fast-pass to another BKA to match the one on the other leg
(And, no, I can't just give you some of those free bacitracin packets and send you home.)

Why do patients love free bacitracin so much? I can spend an hour meticulously closing a complex laceration with a great result, but the thing they really thank me for is the packets of bacitracin.

 

[Aesculapius]

Because it's free stuff (sort of)? Who doesn't like getting free stuff?

 

[Birdstrike]

Why do patients love free bacitracin so much? I can spend an hour meticulously closing a complex laceration with a great result, but the thing they really thank me for is the packets of bacitracin.

Right. They think you're a total heathen of you say no, or blow off the bacitracin goodie bag. Give free useless bacitracin, unnecessary antibiotics that breed multi-drug resistant GC, DNA-scrambling radiation or indiscriminate opiates and your patient satisfaction goes through the roof.

The government needs to get this, that patient satisfaction fuels bad medicine. It just does. We all know it, yet these toxic healthcare-system ruiners just refuse to believe it. That's why so many doctors just don't care anymore.

 

[LOSMOB]

Thanks folks . . . just the right distraction from a flare of the fiberniagara (you can tell it's real because I am NOT in an ER) . . .I learned when I was 17, waiting for a friend at an ER, that there is nothing like taking your extended family to the ER with you to overhear the doc explaining to you (young married couple each under 20) that a) there are other methods of birth control than anal intercourse and that b) yep, it probably does really hurt . . .and *that* was when I learned that if it can happen in an ER, it does. Fortunately it was some years before I encountered some of the other beauts that you all run into so often. I was distressed this week, for everyone concerned, to realize how many folks in West Africa are unfamiliar with the germ theory of disease. Then I blundered onto here and face palmed on that one. I may just call some pizza in to my local ER without going anywhere near it my own self. (I was not with the young married couple or their family. . .just to be clear)

 

[sum dude]

You can have "endstage Fibromyalgia" attacks

If you are so sedated you can barely stay awake from your meds, you probably shouldn't ride to ER on back of your son's scooter (ala dumb and dumber"

If you are 90 year-old, aphsiac stroke survivor, don't pet random cats in wander into your house, especially when you don't have cats, because they are probably opposums, and rabies shots hurt

Don't stick butter-nut squash in your rectum when you are high on cocaine...and when you do get discharged, don't tell me to tell your mother you now have a colostomy b/c you did "too much cocaine"

Speaking of cocaine, I learned through a patient that you should not let cats into your roommates supply of cocaine, b/c they will inevitably rip it open, and it will get into your air conditioning, and spread throughout your house. IF this does happen, please call 911--EMS will be happy to transport to the hospital, acting out of your mind, with a face covered in cocaine-powder, feeling like you are going to die. B/c everyone knows cats are trying to kill humans and cover their tracks through cocaine overdoses

And ladies, please look out for that guy who is "putting (cocaine, ectstasy, opiates, benzo's red dragon, etc) in your drink", b/c you will go to the ER and demand a note for your parole office explaining that we have a special machine that can determine whether your pan+ UDS is indeed from a nepharious guy at a bar spiking drinks with expensive street drugs, and that it is not your fault those drugs are in your system...

 

[Spinach Dip]

Apparently the human bladder (if properly conditioned) can carry greater than 2L of fluid without any obvious discomfort.

Also, the nurse handling the bladder scanner at the moment will describe the situation as: "Holy crap! There's a lot of pee in there!"

 

[Apollyon]

Apparently the human bladder (if properly conditioned) can carry greater than 2L of fluid without any obvious discomfort.

Also, the nurse handling the bladder scanner at the moment will describe the situation as: "Holy crap! There's a lot of pee in there!"

Hell, I can carry 2L in my bladder (literally).

 

[Spinach Dip]

Hell, I can carry 2L in my bladder (literally).

Congratulations

(I think...)

 

[RTC19]

Hell, I can carry 2L in my bladder (literally).

3.5 L here. The EP and I had a grand old time laughing about that one.

 

[Apollyon]

3.5 L here. The EP and I had a grand old time laughing about that one.

Represent!

Respeck!

 

[Spinach Dip]

3.5 L here. The EP and I had a grand old time laughing about that one.

So why do all urinals (hospital/nursing facility/etc) hold 1L? Is there a "super size" one available for those extra-special patients?



/tangent