Things I Learn From My Patients

This forum made possible through the generous support of SDN members, donors, and sponsors. Thank you.
Apparently you can "dislocate your tailbone" with vigorous anal sex using various sex toys. Said event happened about 2 years ago. She didn't seek medical care at the time, but she "knows" it was dislocated because ever since then she can "feel her tailbone move around".
Members don't see this ad.
 
Kittenmommy said:

Thanks! I'm feeling much better now, believe me. At some point, I'll upload the pus-spewing vid, but I'm not sure when. :p

Edited because "pus", not "puss"! :D.
Click to expand...

Good catch because of you had uploaded the other....
 
  • Like
Reactions: 2 users
Members don't see this ad :)
Birdstrike said:
Yes. "Cat.".
Click to expand...

*meow*

I didn't forget my pus vid promise. Kitten MIL is still in the hospital, and we've been going there every day, all day. Ninety-seven, with dementia and pneumonia. Yeah.
 
This thread is hilarious. As they say, common sense isn't all that common.

Throwing myself into your experiences - things I've learned from other patients in waiting rooms and as an inpatient...

-LOUDLY plan your "revenge" drive-by (name, time etc.) in the ER waiting room (friend brought in for GSW). There were two Sheriffs 20 feet away too.

-tearfully complain it's taking too long to be seen and you are in a wheelchair (back really hurts, can't walk) then when the triage nurse goes back to get you a bed, wait 5 minutes, scream to the entire waiting room that it's taking too long so tell her you went across the street (at least 2 blocks) for cigarettes. Then of course, WALK out, quickly.

-offer your pills to other patients in waiting room because you have similar symptoms although you are there because you believe said pills are making you sick.
***accept pills from stranger in waiting room although you are waiting to see the doctor

-get upset and verbally abusive because doc ordered a CT for your abd pain and you want more pain meds, not scan so keep making vomiting noises as loud as possible everytime a nurse/doc/phlebotomist etc. is nearby (next room, outside) then when no one comes in, yell "but you have to give medicine for symptoms, not do stupid scans"

-have sex to try and take out a "lost" tampon. Fails. Have bf use flashlight. Fails. Use laxative. Fails. So wait 3 days, come in and yell your story to the whole ED

-get upset that the doc called the police on you instead of the "stuck up B's bf" who punched you almost unconscious after you grabbed her because "she was asking for it". Then proceed to tell police "this is f'd up, let me go, it's not like I roofied her". Have said roofies in your possession

-spend a whole day going to all you can buffets (a dare) then come in for diarrhea and vomiting of unknown cause (insist you have not eaten anything unusual). While nurse is starting IV, casually ask "so do you think whatever I've got will clear up by next weekend? Cause I did this all you can eat dare earlier and made $30 and next week we are doing all you can drink"

-ask for help after hitting head but when a CT is ordered, insist that they are trying to put invisible trackers into your brain. Refuse psych and opt to leave but then decide to stay after the voices tell you that you can stay provided whoever treats you proves they are human.
***could not answer how they could prove it

-be diabetic and when asked about insulin, respond "oh that's the stuff I should be taking, right?"

-while visiting postop patient, do loudly talk amongst yourselves as if no one can hear you about how you can "score" some good stuff that could be laying about in other rooms

-after a life saving surgery with complications, threaten action due to "getting fat" from IV fluids and the "despicable" lighting in the bathroom

-as an inpatient, pain pump active, fall risk so going nowhere and so on, give doctors a schedule (to see you) to follow for rounds that works "best" for you


There are more but those came to mind!
 
  • Like
Reactions: 3 users
Pus vid, as promised! :cat:

WARNING: GROSS!

You can hear Kittendaddy answering me when I ask if it's going. And the ultrasound tech chimes in at the end to confirm we've gotten enough vid. And you can see the IV line that was in my other arm.

Enjoy!



 
  • Like
Reactions: 3 users
Members don't see this ad :)
gotname said:
-while visiting postop patient, do loudly talk amongst yourselves as if no one can hear you about how you can "score" some good stuff that could be laying about in other rooms
Click to expand...
CONGRATULATIONS!!! :hardy: :highfive: I believe we may finally have spotted the semi-legendary Somedude and his unregenerate crew My Friend and That Bitch, who have been known to steal people's last bottle of percocet peelz with impunity, alacrity and regularity (Things I Learn passim).
They appear to have upped the ante since then, progressing to harvesting from hospitals and even making an anthem:


gotname: your prize! :luck:

405288.jpg
 
Last edited:
-- Diarrhea 2/2 anxiety is frothy green
-- Shortness of breath and fatigue with low BP caused by restarting amiodarone AFTER being taken off of it so you can take Abx is due to a cold
-- A 2 year old running through the kitchen and hitting a pyrex cooking plate full in the face and then smacking his head on the tile floor during the fall is sleepy because it's now his naptime and he probably doesn't need a head CT
-- Influenza diagnosed by a physician friend on Friday PM and treated with Tamiflu starting Saturday AM should be resolved by Sunday PM -- the coughing/sneezing/body aches/fevers/rhinorrhea are likely being caused by the dreaded Acute Bronchitis and as a physician you should be able to miraculously cure these evils by waving your magic wand and speaking incantations which involve the words "codeine cough syrup" and "Z-Pack"....
-- RUQ pain that was previously seen by their PCP and GI specialist and is currently being worked up will be miraculously diagnosed and definitively treated in an Urgent Care clinic 15 minutes before closing on a Saturday night
-- A forearm sustaining a crush injury 1 hour ago and now the arm is getting "tighter", unable to be fully extended with pain now radiating into the fingers can be adequately treated by an xRay and ortho follow up in the AM according to a source who's in the medical field but not a doctor
-- A child who was seen sweating after playing outside on a 90 degree day and then vomited this morning is obviously sick -- the red sticky substance on the towel you brought from home? Ice cream -- Oh, the diet yesterday consisted of copious amounts of ice cream, flaming hot Cheetos, flaming hot doritos, cokes, hot dogs and chips? and the child is sitting on the table laughing, crawling all around and joking with mom -- obviously a serious disease which needs a full workup RFN.
-- A hand cut one month ago that now exhibits a 1.5cm eruption of proud flesh will be removed by the physician according to a friend who's a nurse at the local county hospital -- "No" and went to do paperwork -- upon reentering the room, I was informed that they had checked with the RN friend and were assured that I would remove said proud flesh -- "No -- here's some numbers to derm and general surgery" --


This was all within a month.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 1 user
Apollyon said:
...but he watches "Grey's Anatomy" without a miss!!
Click to expand...

So wait a minute... are you suggesting that faithfully watching Grey's Anatomy doesn't qualify you to diagnose/treat people? I'm sure that can't be right! :cat:
 
  • Like
Reactions: 2 users
If you're a young lad hyped up on so many legal highs you don't know what colour your name is, don't cut your finger to the bone and start trying to eat the bone - you will end up in the back of a police car, and if you're still going nuts 40 minutes later, in the cells. We don't want you. You will also be very confused as to what happened to your hand when you wake up the next day.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 1 user
Come to A&E with a tiny cut on one finger, insisting "It's nae wee! It's a BIG cut!" - and then proudly tell us you got it breaking into a car. We absolutely won't nod the police in your direction when they bring the next EtOH case in.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 1 user
Another couple from the last few days (and one of my own stupidity!)

1) If 'a couple of days' is too long to wait to have a medical professional remove your contraceptive implant, by all means get a kitchen knife and attempt to do it yourself. When part of it snaps off and stays embedded when you try and pull it out, and your boyfriend drags you to A&E because you've taken a knife to your arm, by all means scream at him for ruining things. This will absolutely not get you an immediate chat to psych :)

2) If your 70-kg mastiff starts growling at you, attempting to push him into his basket will not end well. We did finally find the guy with high pain tolerance though - right wrist opened to the fascia covering the tendons, left hand missing all the flesh between thumb and fingers and over the back of the thumb; no pain meds on board, calmly doing all the movement tests he was asked to do, not a wince or a murmur. Also cheerfully chatting away and asking me if he could go out for a smoke as I steri-stripped the smaller cuts on his face (yes, the dog also tried to bite his face!). Unlikely. Ex-Army man, tough as nails!

3) Coming in to A&E after a bike vs. car on your birthday will get you lots of attention and love from the staff. Especially if you are an adorable just-8-year-old little girl, who will happily chat to anyone and anything and isn't badly hurt. Great kid!

And my own stupidity: If you have a big crash on the timing run before a ski race, dislocating your shoulder and breaking some fingers, don't put your shoulder back in yourself, blag some painkillers from a friend and race anyway. You will end up in a sling with much much sticky tape holding all your fingers to each other, and will definitely not pass your practical exam (did I mention this was 2 weeks before exams?). I am not a clever person.
 
Last edited:
  • Like
Reactions: 1 user
Bacchus said:
My friends reaction started bubbling. Inquisically she called over our instructor. The instructor, a sweet Italian lady, gets a look of pure panic on her face. She takes the sash, slams it shut, and tells everyone to back away immediately. Luckily, nothing happened. :scared:
Click to expand...

Reminds me of a kid at my school - the lad was messing around, pretending to do shots with the little tubs of chemical. With the lid unscrewed. One very long trip to the local hospital later, this boy will never taste again. His mate won the bet that the teacher would spot them though, so that's OK ;)
 
Greatest. Tread. On. The. Internet. Period. I laughed, I cried, I screamed in terror. I even joined this site just to contribute to this thread.

Since it's 530AM, I'm gonna make this quick and just list a few things I can think of. I'm not in medicine, but I have more than enough tales of stupidity gathered from a good half dozen sources which are just perfect for the running theme of astronomical ancephalacy.

#1 From this thread, I learned that if any sufficiently movable object can be shoved up a rectum.
#2 I also learned that if it doesn't go up an arse, it goes right up the pee hole!
#3 I'd like to propose this corollary to SOCMOB: The more someone insists "I ain't do nuthin'", the probability that not only did they do something, but they will also claim that they were SOCMOB. Their insistence that IADNSOCMOB increases inversely to evidence they're lying.
#4 Yes, it is indeed possible to disassemble a short recoil action pistol in such a way that you chamber a round. Said round will still be in there when the gun is reassembled When you function check the handgun by pulling the trigger, the round will go off. I will not be at all happy, and when you explain that some YouTube guy named James Yeager told you it's because only amateurs check their weapons to check if they're loaded (Which has led to a number of tales on this thread alone), expect a ten minute rant from me about why you never just assume anything about deadly weapons.
#5 Of course the militia's Kalashnikovs are for show -- that's exactly why they get pointed at you when they catch you holding up a store. To better your odds, be sure to shout at said militiamen that they're all too weak to shoot you; they LOVE it!
#6 If you must prove your manliness, do it while taking advice from Mr. Ethanol, and pick a fight with a hulking Ukrainian wearing his red special forces beret and telnyashka while he's in a bar with his friends, all of whom are similarly dressed.
#7 Never challenge militsionery to make you do something; you will never win or have as many teeth.

Thanks for the awesome thread!
 
Last edited:
  • Like
Reactions: 1 users
Best thing I've overheard this year - scene is one RN giving sign-out to another RN at shift-change.

Nurse A: "What does he (the patient) take for his diabetes?"
Nurse B: "He takes Mountain Dew for his diabetes."

I cannot help but think of this exchange every 2-3 days and laugh.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 6 users
RustedFox said:
Nurse A: "What does he (the patient) take for his diabetes?"
Nurse B: "He takes Mountain Dew for his diabetes."
Click to expand...

That's not diabetes, it's Dewabetes. Common mistake, happens all the time. The patient is fine, and in no need of any changes to his medication regime whatsoever. (Just ask him, I'm sure he'll tell you that himself.)
 
  • Like
Reactions: 2 users
Saint Muzhik said:
I laughed, I cried, I screamed in terror. I even joined this site just to contribute to this thread.
Click to expand...
Ditto. Had to contribute my own experience (one of the thankfully rare occasions I've had to go near a hospital)...

Anyway, it was a few years ago now, and I was in hospital with a mild case of multi-loculated cystic hygroma that had gotten infected. I'm in hospital in London & have what I think was a PVC (not involved in any aspect of medicine myself, so going off Google here) inserted by said med student. Unfortunately the poor fellow has the thing set to open when he does so.

Oops.

So I'm lying there with a nice pool of blood spreading over the blanket (and sadly my trousers too) and with my body deciding the appropriate response is to sweat bucketloads. Not panicked - think surprise and amusement more than anything - but I like to think the chap who plugged it in will have learnt a valuable lesson, because I'm sure a lot of people would've made a fuss. Actually scratch that, after reading this thread, I know a lot of people would've done so.
 
I was talking to my physical therapist and brought up this thread, specifically the part about pain, given how I was being probed for how much pain my various dysfunctions were inflicting upon me. I learned that it is shockingly common for patients to report 10/10 pain with a straight face while moving like normal. The PT's assistant suggested that maybe people exaggerate their reported pain because they're under the impression it'll get them seen to better/sooner than if they reported honestly. We agreed that they're probably not trying to score drugs, given that it usually takes some kind of approval from a GP to see a PT, and PT's cant' write drug prescriptions AFAIK.
I think my PT may have just found the patient with the mythical high pain tolerance. He mentioned working with some guy with a severely slipped disc who reported only moderate pain and didn't demand strong analgesics, make a show, or scream that the PT was trying to kill him.
 
Last edited:
even Cracked is in on the act

www.cracked.com/blog/4-things-i-regret-doing-while-drunk-in-your-emergency-room/

"But in a way, it's really your fault for not explicitly telling me before we started that this was not a sacrifice and that the MRI machine couldn't smell my wounds."

"Even now, like a butterfly emerging from a brown and scaly chrysalis, my face has already started to heal and surface from under the scabs."
 
Where the hell is @docB by the way?

Dead?

Switched screen names?

On a 350-straight-day stretch of nights, too tired to post on SDN?
 
Sessamoid said:
"Say it wid me. 'Babydaddy.' One word! 'Babydaddy!'"

:confused:
Click to expand...

Almighty Allah, I've never had anything pleasant come from dealing with anyone who says "babdaddy", let alone has one, and may God mercifully strike you down if they happen to have multiple, or worse, so many they can't remember which one for which kid.
Bugger it, the teeth-tatoo ratio and law of inverse value, when taken together equal one's babymaking rating. Remember, mature people who can provide for and raise kids properly like to cap it off at the point where they run out of hands to wrangle with. People who shouldn't have kids, or can't provide, are guaranteed to have enough for future anthropologists to identify their broods with then-ancient names like Moniqan, D'shawnan, Sweetaliciousian, and Dattskankan man, close relatives of the ancient demigods of death, Those 2 Guys.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 1 user
Birdstrike said:
Where the hell is @docB by the way?

Dead?

Switched screen names?

On a 350-straight-day stretch of nights, too tired to post on SDN?
Click to expand...

dear God that'd be terrifying :eek:
"Last seen March 23", so make it just under half of that :hilarious:
 
Saint Muzhik said:
Almighty Allah, I've never had anything pleasant come from dealing with anyone who says "babdaddy", let alone has one, and may God mercifully strike you down if they happen to have multiple, or worse, so many they can't remember which one for which kid.
Bugger it, the teeth-tatoo ratio and law of inverse value, when taken together equal one's babymaking rating. Remember, mature people who can provide for and raise kids properly like to cap it off at the point where they run out of hands to wrangle with. People who shouldn't have kids, or can't provide, are guaranteed to have enough for future anthropologists to identify their broods with then-ancient names like Moniqan, D'shawnan, Sweetaliciousian, and Dattskankan man, close relatives of the ancient demigods of death, Those 2 Guys.
Click to expand...
and then they would discover, in a cave by the Dead Sea (what we now call the Mediterranean), a set of ancient USB scrolls, containing the oldest known text of the Good Book:

There is no god but Allah, and Those 2 Guys his messengers mother****ers Holy Douchecannons...
 
Last edited:
Love this thread! A book that would totally fit in here is Paramedic by Paul Shapiro, it's about a paramedic in New York in the 80s, and is super funny.
 
Also, shout out and general thank you to all of you guys out working in the ER!
 
I learned recently that diabetes is something that one can contract from going to the hospital.

Also, if you are admitted to the ICU with a blood glucose of 1100, getting out of the hospital a week later is cause for celebration with ice cream and a liter or 2 of pepsi.

When you find yourself back in the ICU the following morning, it is appropriate to curse at every individual you can see and declare you don't have diabetes. When no one listens to you, decide that MAYBE you had diabetes before, but the doctors fixed that and now you don't have it anymore.

And apparently diabetes is contagious "like ebola". You will repeat this a hundred times per day, insisting that you must have caught it from the guy down the hall. You will even go as far as finding a contagious disease doctor (how?) and telling him that the whole hospital is committing malpractice by not putting all the diabetics in isolation.

Finally, an enterprising nurse will discover an extremely potent sedative by showing you how to order pay-per-view from your room.



Americans.
 
Last edited:
  • Like
Reactions: 2 users
If you are a 20 YOM university student and are excited that it's finally the summer holidays, by all means go to the city's music festival where you will engage in wholesome activities such as drinking 'just two beers' and taking some ecstasy 'for the bantz'.
You will roll up in my ED, CC - restless and can't sleep. Act really worried about your medical emergency. After all, you 'just don't feel right'.
Bonus points for filling our crowded room with all of your drunk and high friends, who aren't violent but are nonetheless in the way and stare at the nursing staff as if they're speaking German when asked to move.
 
Recently I have learned two very important things in the ED

1st- If you are looking to expedite psych placement, stripping naked, taking a **** in your hands, smearing it on the window of your room's door, and then eating your **** is an excellent method of achieving your goal.

2nd- If your goal is to have people not take your seizures seriously, make sure to stop seizing when your doctor says stop faking it and get into an argument with him stating, "THEY AREN'T FAKE, THEY ARE PSEUDOSEIZURES!!!".
 
  • Like
Reactions: 10 users
I recently learned that -- sitting in a tub filled with a mixture of hot water/alcohol and pouring water over your head will help you pass gas.... in residency I learned that back pain can be relieved by leaning forward when you drink cold water but you have to allow the water to run down the sides of your mouth into your throat and carefully pour, not gulp ---
 
In remembrance of earlier IcyHot posts in this thread, I would like to confirm another tale of someone deciding to adopt it as an aid in private supper happy fun time, thinking that the hot part would be a gentle warming sensation not unlike a chick's mouth, and then the icy part would be a cool sensation so he could take his time working up to the perfect bust and then be all relaxed afterwards. Cue the guy making a panicked trip down to Patient First because it felt like someone set his wang on fire, and then his friend said by the time he got seen, he was griping about everything feeling like it was going to fall off from frostbite. At least he didn't call an ambulance. Similarly, I learned today that IcyHot should not be applied well, anywhere between your navel and your knees. Failure to abide by this will result in the medication sinking into the skin on your aching inner thigh (thanks to leg day) and then travelling up in your bloodstream to take effect in more gentlemanly regions, too. You'd've thunk he'd've learned his lession the first time...
 
I have 2 from a few weeks back.

1. When your teenage son is diagnosed with pneumonia and rx'd Abx, just take him home past multiple pharmacies and toss the Rx on the kitchen table. The next morning, when he wakes you up at 5am saying he still feels sick, take him to the now closed pharmacy. Realizing it's closed, but opens in 30 min, just bring him back to the ED and tell me that you're worried b/c he isn't getting better.

2. Somehow lacerate your hand on a door knob. Get it sutured up and head out with your Rx for pain meds. Call the ED 30 min later and tell them your hand is starting to hurt again. Told that the anesthetic and morphine are wearing off and to start taking your pain meds. State that you didn't get them filled. Told to go do that. Call back an hour later after filling them and state that your hand is really hurting now, but you haven't taken the pain meds. Told to take the pain meds. Show up in ED an hour later for your hand hurting. State you still haven't taken pain meds b/c you're afraid they won't work.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 4 users
I learned that synthetic THC chocolate bars are a great cure for low back pain and you should give them to your 80 year old mother who has never done drugs in her life if you want her to puke her brains out and be unable to stand up.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 1 user
I learnt that hospital is 'a great place to rest and resuscitate'
 
-have sex to try and take out a "lost" tampon. Fails. Have bf use flashlight. Fails. Use laxative. Fails.
Click to expand...

I know I shouldn't be surprised by now by some people's creative understanding of anatomy, but still... o_O
 
The ER doctor will look at you like you're nuts when you present with a broken foot from dropping two brake rotors on your foot, then say you don't need pain killers, ibuprofen is fine.

I did fill the prescription anyway. And wound up using them about an hour later when everything started hurting finally. And those are MINE ALL MINE!
 
  • Like
Reactions: 1 user
If you slice open your left index finger via band saw and are able to see the tendon moving in its groove; the Nurses and Dr at the local ER will yell at you to "knock that the hell off" as you make it do its thing when they ask about the injury.

That was a fun day...
 
bbpr120 said:
If you slice open your left index finger via band saw and are able to see the tendon moving in its groove
Click to expand...
MXe6kQv.png

Aoirann said:
I found out that in 1995 the Ig Noble price for Literiture went to two people for their work on a report titled. "Rectal Foreign Bodies: Case Reports and a Comprehensive Review of the World's Literature." Figure it's relevant to this thread and that the ER and Proctology Docs here should look it up.
Click to expand...
The new standard of RFB care

Baked apples anyone?
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.
Next unread thread

Similar threads

FlaminHotER
EM Docs can learn from the NFL Players Association
Replies
18
Views
2K
thegenius
thegenius
thegenius
I wish patients knew what the ER was for
2 3 4 5
Replies
210
Views
11K
gruemd
G
H
Patients per Hour
2
Replies
50
Views
3K
LChristmas
LChristmas
BoardingDoc
Fun patients
Replies
27
Views
3K
DocEspana
DocEspana
alpinism
Hospital wants us to admit dead patients
2
Replies
84
Views
4K
DocEspana
DocEspana
Top