Things I Learn From My Patients

Discussion in 'Emergency Medicine' started by docB, 05.02.03.

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  1. bbpr120

    bbpr120

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    If you slice open your left index finger via band saw and are able to see the tendon moving in its groove; the Nurses and Dr at the local ER will yell at you to "knock that the hell off" as you make it do its thing when they ask about the injury.

    That was a fun day...
     
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  3. Aquar1us

    Aquar1us 2+ Year Member

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    [​IMG]
    The new standard of RFB care

    Baked apples anyone?
     
    Last edited: 12.14.15
  4. dpmd

    dpmd Relaxing 7+ Year Member

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    That is awesome. Reminds me of the pt i had with a dkny apple up his butt. Since it was glass the argon wouldn't have worked, but we did try the ob vacuum thing for delivering babies.
     
  5. Aquar1us

    Aquar1us 2+ Year Member

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    Thanks! ;)
    and I considered quoting that post too
    only didn't think people could tell right away what it was... was half unsure myself
    cannot brain today arghhhh :dead:

    So why the ostomy :eek:
    And how d'you get it out eventually :nailbiting:
     
    Last edited: 12.07.15
  6. dpmd

    dpmd Relaxing 7+ Year Member

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    I forgot i posted that (note that is not the actual one retrieved). Ge got an ostomy because we never could get it out from below and in getting it out through the abdomen we largely tore up his upper rectum. It actually wouldn't come out of the pelvis until we cut into some of the tissue surrounding the rectum and had someone else shoving up fron below. In that sort of situation an ostomy lets things heal while keeping the poop away.
     
  7. Aquar1us

    Aquar1us 2+ Year Member

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    ohhh like that; it sounded as if he was walking around with it permanently

    did he keep the apple ;)
     
  8. dpmd

    dpmd Relaxing 7+ Year Member

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    Nah. Haven't had anyone ask for their stuff back after.
     
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  9. JustPlainBill

    JustPlainBill Attending 7+ Year Member

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    If you are dx'd with the flu, if you have a cough/congestion a year later, you can take the Tamiflu script you never started and you will feel better briefly.....
     
  10. Saint Muzhik

    Saint Muzhik

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    That whole exchange killed me, but that last line!
    [​IMG]
     
  11. netsuke

    netsuke

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    By the third time the visiting nurse calls you for insulin orders for the patient whose blood glucose is once again 444, have her turn the glucose meter around to see if it's actually "hhh." (Actual blood glucose in ER was over 1000.)
     
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  12. shoal

    shoal Oinker! 10+ Year Member

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    If youre having vaginal bleeding for 3 months, make sure you show up on christmas and demand it to be fixed right away. When told you need to see a ob/gyn get very angry and then proceed to come back 3 days later under another name now with pain and get mad again that i tell you the same thing.

    Sent from my VS986 using Tapatalk
     
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  13. netsuke

    netsuke

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    In fairness, did the patient write that, or did someone transcribe it when the patient said "one to four days?" ;)
     
  14. lagomorphs

    lagomorphs

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    Things learned from a patient with CC "a spider bite on my ass":

    1. If normal anal play just isn't doing it for you anymore, the obvious solution to this problem is to order a fancy, exotic tarantula from a fancy, exotic tarantula seller, and then proceed to somehow coax and/or shove said arachnid into your rectum. (a more accurate CC would have been "spider bite in my ass")

    2. Spiders become very upset when this happens, and they will bite you multiple times before expiring, lost somewhere in your lower bowel. No, EMS will not look for it for you. The pay grade isn't nearly high enough. Some things are best left to physicians.

    3. While it is helpful to know the exact species of said spider you've "shoved up your arse because YOLO", this information is not very useful when you've waited THREE DAYS after being bitten to call the Boo-boo Bus.

    4. Yes, that anal discharge is not normal. Yes, it is probably related to being bitten by the spider (....geez). No, it will not go away on its own. No, there is not something you can put on it, but thanks for noticing the "for external use only" instructions on the bug bite cream.

    Guy ended up losing everything up to the transverse colon. Not sure exactly what he was going for. Sadly, all of this might've been a little easier to understand if he had irradiated the spider first. "Poop-in-a-Bag Man" is not nearly as catchy as "Spiderman".
     
  15. lagomorphs

    lagomorphs

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    a few others:


    1. Just because a young lady is haggard looking and sleep deprived and asking for the psych hospital director by name, that does not necessarily mean she is a delusional patient that has escaped from her room. That may in fact be his wife, returning after driving cross-country for nearly 12 hours straight. You should probably page him about it before you try and take her back to the ward. Otherwise, you might pass each other in the hallway, prompting the question: "Um, what are you doing with my wife?" (I'm told that a good laugh was had by all involved.)

    2. If you want to prove to your bro-dude buddy that you are tough, punching through a pane glass window with just your hand probably would've been sufficient. Heads are for "thinking things through", not "putting through things". However, afterwards, if you want to prove that you're extra tough, convince him to drunkenly punch you in your newly lacerated face. Attaboy.

    3. Throwing yourself down a flight of stairs, trying to break and then boil your own arm, and then telling the nice hospital people that you did it just because you "thought it would be funny", WILL earn you a psych consult. I have no idea why either ;)

    4. Meconium is a fantastic name for your newborn son. Good to see that you're starting off on the right foot as a parent.
     
    Last edited: 01.10.16
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  16. betsybugaboo

    betsybugaboo

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    aughhhhhhh
     
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  17. gotname

    gotname

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    - When you return to the ED two days later because now you have diarrhea after starting antibiotics for a UTI, be sure to continue retelling your story as loudly as possible especially the part about "I have Ebola. My cousin is on antibiotics too and he has diarrhea and vomiting. I !@#$/^ him. We have Ebola."

    ***It is a great idea to start a mass freak out from patients who now think they are exposed and then get upset when asked to stop making calls announcing you have Ebola. She did not have Ebola.

    - Deliberately try to break a bottle against your precious head in full view of the ED waiting room then come in saying you got attacked.

    - Hold your breath and play dead after the doctor says that you are cleared (can now go to jail). Keep saying "Ow !@#$ stop it. I'm dead" everytime they snap you out of it.

    - Come in for pain from "I almost got stabbed".

    - When you and your friend cannot agree on how to best use your IV line for the drugs you have on you, be sure to get a nurse involved.

    - While in for gastroenteritis, throw a fit demanding a sponge bath from "a hot nurse" because it's "my right as an American."

    - Angrily and persistently insist that the transfusion would work faster if you just drank the blood :bang:
     
  18. netsuke

    netsuke

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    Oddly enough, I suspect there are now enough adults named Meconium that it could be a family name. There were three different kids with that name in the clinic at the hospital where I trained in the 80's, and that was just one hospital.
     
  19. Spinach Dip

    Spinach Dip Delicious with nachos 2+ Year Member

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    "At least he will retain full reproductive function."
    -Idiocracy
     
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  20. theseeker4

    theseeker4 MS 4 5+ Year Member

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    If you enjoy playing real-life frogger, it is a bad idea to do so while fall-down drunk. Your repeated feints into traffic and back out might convince the nice 72 year old man driving the suburban at the 45 mph speed limit that you are planning to wait until he passes before you dart across the street. When you decide not to wait, the impact of your body with the front corner of the SUV will make the vehicle look like it hit a telephone pole. I doubt your skull, ribs, pelvis, etc. will look much better.
     
  21. Toutie

    Toutie

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    Anyone know what ever happened to docB? He hasn't been around in nearly a year and I do miss his additions to this thread that he started oh so many years ago...
     
  22. Birdstrike

    Birdstrike 5+ Year Member

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    I asked the same a few weeks ago. No answer about @docB
     
  23. Toutie

    Toutie

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    Hopefully everything is okay. I looked up his last post and it was about a subpoena for a malpractice case. Maybe related to that? Maybe his lawyer advised him to stop posting? It just seems odd for him to just up and disappear after being on the forum for so many years. He certainly made some great additions to this thread. Again, I hope all is well with him.
     
  24. NotWayneBrady

    NotWayneBrady

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    Yep, I'm done.

    Maybe I'll teach myself how to write software or something, anything to never have to see another human being again.
     
  25. Aquar1us

    Aquar1us 2+ Year Member

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    That CC should be "spider bite for being an ass"... this guy's ideation processes...
    [​IMG]
    well let the spider say it
    [​IMG]
     
  26. Pisiform

    Pisiform Oh Crap!!! 5+ Year Member

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    Me: Hey Mr X, did you pee okay this morning?
    Mr X: I dont pee, I piss *creepy stare*
     
  27. Saint Muzhik

    Saint Muzhik

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    O.O ****... ****... ****... ****... W-w-w-w-w-w-wh-wh-wh-wh WHY WHY!? WHY!? WHY!? WHY THE **** WOULD YOU DO THAT!? NO! NO!NONONONONONO! FOR THE LOVE OF ALMIGHTY ALLAH, NO!
    While, scientifically speaking, no tarantula has venom that is a medically significant threat to a human who doesn't have an allergy, I don't think that makes much of a difference when a pair of .5" (~6.35mm) fangs plus that keep getting jammed into your guts, not to mention, if it were a species from the Americas, it would likely be kicking up utricating hairs like crazy, and in the guts, considering what they can do to the eyes, nose, throat, lungs, and mouth, it can't be a pretty picture.

    And this in the month I decided to give up drinking

    And the award for most memorable post of the year goes to you.

     
  28. Aquar1us

    Aquar1us 2+ Year Member

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    That's oddly reminescent of your username ("Pisiform") and avatar (creepy staring Stewie)
    I don't mean anything by that, it's just... odd :confused:
    This is what the world looks like when sober.
    :welcome:
     
    Last edited: 02.21.16
  29. Saint Muzhik

    Saint Muzhik

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    I think I'll take a few wet days.
     
  30. Saint Muzhik

    Saint Muzhik

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    Two things this time.

    #1: If you see militia troopers walking your way and you're worried about being caught dealing drugs, the best thing to do isn't to avoid the business entirely, it's instead to try to stuff at least 30 tiny baggies of weed down your throat. Cue your throat being blocked 100% and 5 otherwise intimidating-looking men laughing uncontrollably as you thrash around on the ground turning blue. And after we finish performing boot assisted-heimlichs on you (because you were doing your darndest to not be easy to help), don't gripe about us being racists who take joy in beating up "proud exemplars of the negro race".

    Meanwhile in Russia...
    http://lordsofthedrinks.com/2016/02...er-surgery-and-wearing-bedsheets-to-buy-beer/
    Yes, a Russian fresh out of surgery fled the hospital to go buy beer. What isn't amazing is that he fled after what looks to my philistine eyes like heavy surgery, that he's buying beer instead of vodka, or that he managed to do it. It's that it looks like the woman wearing the "GUARD" jacket is buying for him! How many of you guys would tell security to buy the poor drunk a drink now that he's got a fresh hole where his apendicitis was?
     
  31. shoal

    shoal Oinker! 10+ Year Member

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    if you're a 18 year old female and your belly is getting bigger and firmer for ohh the last 9 months. its surely just your depo shots. when you start having crampy abdominal pain and wierd vaginal discharge, that pregnancy test you just took must not be accurate. you will however freak out the entire ER team when your BP is 150/90 and your heart rate is 150. we apperciate you waiting to deliver the baby until you were on l&d. As well, i was very thankful your boyfriend didnt pass out, but he was as white as a sheet.

    Sent from my VS986 using Tapatalk
     
  32. netsuke

    netsuke

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    Is that a Sengestaken-Blakemore tube in his nose?
     
  33. DrYoda

    DrYoda Space Cowboy 7+ Year Member

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    -If your "spud launcher" does not fire, obviously the best way to trouble-shoot this debacle is to look down the barrel. The open skull fracture did at least decompress the brain bleed, so good for him.

    -Despite what your sister the nurse told you: the longer you wait out in the waiting room does not positively correlate with getting "strong pain meds".
     
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  34. Opal1

    Opal1

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    I've been reading this thread for a while now. I'm a PhD, sister is an MD (MFM). We both spent a huge portion of our childhoods in hospitals due to various family members. My lessons:

    (1) if you are screaming in pain, poop on your home couch, and still insist that we don't call an ambulance because someone else, "Might be having an emergency," while you're Simpson's yellow (chemo+gall bladder+pretty much everything going downhill), then have your husband insist on driving you to the hospital, YOU are having an emergency. Your daughters showing up 20 minutes later (after cleaning up said couch) will side with the intake nurse and your husband, and you will get treatment immediately, even if you swear it's "not that bad."

    (2) if you are an 80 year old grandpa being treated by an African American nurse who used to be your employee in the '60s before she went to college, telling her to, "Get your da** n***** hands off me," is not an appropriate way to get care. You're just lucky she knew you before you flipped out and went full bore racist, and you're lucky your grandchild and wife are there to apologize.

    (3) not so much ED-minded, but wanted to share re:laughing to deal with tough situations. If someone is in the end phase of terminal cancer (hours left) and wakes up thinking she is hosting a dinner party in the evening, play along. In our case, the whole family, including the oncologist, got in on it, and even the ICU nurses participated. It gave her a sense of control, which was great, and we got some (incredibly dark and depressing) laughs in the hallway (my mother getting upset with me for not having the creamed spinach done yet! It will be done...it's just in the oven...I'll go check now). She went to sleep feeling in control and passed soon after.

    Thank you, both ED and otherwise, for doing everything you do and also giving us permission to laugh when things are funny, even if they're still sad. Laughter may not be the best medicine for your patients, but it can be for their families.
     
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  35. Aoirann

    Aoirann 5+ Year Member

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    Okay I wasn't even in the same state as this one and I am so glad. Guy from another thread I visit teaches a shop class. So while he's describing how to use a soldering iron, a girl decides she wants to pierce her eyelid... With the Soldering iron.... And doesn't even pull the eyelid away.... The next thing he knows there is a lot of screaming and panic... He says he saw the eyeball bubble from the heat. I think even with the Trauma veterans here they've never seen anything like that.


    Also from a friend of mine. Turns out when your heart is so weak from stress caused by your insane mother, you can have a BPM so low that you have a stroke at 22 because the blood starts to clot. And that you can masturbate vigriously three times and not cause your EKG to go over 50 BPM... She's got a pacemaker now and is on the list for a heart transplant. And this is after She fell down the stairs and are now parapalegic because of the brain damage from that..... It's been a rough few weeks for all of us.
     

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