Would you recommend starting a family while in med school?

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future_cardio_doctor

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I'm 22 and recently graduated from undergrad. I'm really considering specializing in pediatric cardiology and I know that's going to take several years. Do you think its wise to start a family at least my last year in med school, during residency, or should I just wait until after residency? I really prefer to have my first child by 26.
Thanks for your input guys :)

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Are you married? Is your partner supportive and willing to put in the time to raising a child? If not, do you have the financial resources to pay for caregivers? If not, do you have family that is VERY available and VERY willing to help that are in the IMMEDIATE area that you will DEFINITELY be doing your residency and fellowship?
 
Why is this in the nontrad forum? A 22-year-old sounds like a fairly traditional student to me.

In any case, it depends on your personal circumstances. Whether you're in medical school or residency, you'll have to take some time off for the child, if you're a female. Then, of course, you'll be short on energy during both the pregnancy and the recovery. Financials come into play, as do nannies for the child. The dynamics of your particular marriage are important as well. Is your husband happy to wait 8+ years for a kid?

The easiest solution would be to wait until you finish residency, or perhaps get pregnant towards the end of your residency. Plenty of women have had children in all phases of training, however.
 
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I have a lot of the same questions as Mad Jack. Do you have a husband and a lot of supportive family around where you are likely going to med school and/or residency? Based on my gf (general surgery resident), I am going to quote Chris Rock, "it can be done. You can drive a bus with your feet if you want to, but that don't make it a good f'ing idea."
 
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Look, there's no good time to have a family when you're doctor until maybe when you're Professor emeritus, so do it when you want ot. I've have plenty of students who had babies in med school, and I've had students who were single moms, or lived apart from family, either with or without their kids. Just have a good support system and you'll be fine.


I'm 22 and recently graduated from undergrad. I'm really considering specializing in pediatric cardiology and I know that's going to take several years. Do you think its wise to start a family at least my last year in med school, during residency, or should I just wait until after residency? I really prefer to have my first child by 26.
Thanks for your input guys :)
 
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Recommend it as in, suggesting that you should go out of your way to try to have a family while training if you don't need to? No freaking way. Having a family is hard, medical training is hard, and the difficulty of doing them together is synergistic.

That being said, it's certainly possible to have kids while in medical training given sufficient support. It helps with the logistics a great deal if you're the father rather than the mother. There are also times during training that are better for having kids and times that are worse. Fourth year of med school is a relatively good time. Intern year, not so much. Unfortunately, pregnancies are not as easy to schedule as anatomy classes and away rotations are. You have to accept that things may not work out as planned, and in that case you do the best you can given your circumstances like everyone else.
 
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I would recommend you prioritize your spouse's thoughts on the subject and do your best to communicate your desires effectively.

But, since you're asking SDN, I'll bite. In the grand scheme of things, I don't think you should see medical school as a major negative factor in starting a family. There are a lot of people that would disagree but I would encourage you to analyze the decision from a long-term, spiritual, and humble perspective. Where there is a will, there is a way. It's not like people have kids in med school and then time stops, the world melts, and your hopes and dreams blow up in a fiery ball of regret and failure. I just had my second and sure, it's tough. I had to adjust my expectations... my scores are not at the top of the class anymore. Here's the key: I've made my peace with that, and every time I come home and see my child I am reassured in that decision.

The way I see it, you will only get more busy as the years go on. Have a child now while you still have the energy and you are still flexible in defining who you are. If you meet enough people who waited until their late-30s to you come to realize that by the time most of them had children they were so set in who they were that they resisted the change the child inevitably brings. Being flexible with how you define yourself is characteristic of the young and it's a vital part of parenting. The world is no longer about you. In that way, you can turn a "negative" (the obligations to your family that take you away from your medical education) and make it a "positive" by letting it ground you in WHY you are there, on this difficult journey, studying at night while the kids are asleep. You aren't just doing it for yourself anymore.

I say all this assuming that you and your spouse are truly ready to have children, and the only thing standing in your way is medical school. But please know that the #1 most important part about having a child is your spouse. Are they ready? competent? Understanding of the time away? Able to take on extra responsibility when its the weekend before the test and you need to be at the library? Are you sure there are no 'red flags' in your motivation to have children? It's important that all these are addressed, and I'm sure you already know that. Hopefully you've married someone who can create a loving, nurturing environment for children in your absence.

So to finish this long-winded rant, I'm going to tell you something that you can only really understand AFTER the kids are born, but I'll try to tell you anyway. And I'm sure this is not true for everyone, but it's true for me, and I hope it would be true for you. Right now, you are struggling with this decision. Do you have the support? Is your spouse ready? Are you too young? Etcetera, etcetera... Well, here's the rub: once you have the child, those questions don't exist. Once you've created that life, that soul, all thought of "should we?" goes out the window. Once that child is here, a living breathing human that you created, you will not be able to imagine a world without them... the thought of their absence will make your heart stop. So that's the real truth about starting a family. If I made it sound amazing, then I won't disagree with you, but be forewarned: having a family is not a painless, benign activity.
I've said too much; you'll understand when you get there.
 
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There is never going to be a "perfect" time have a family on this career path. There are more and less inconvenient times. Eg intern year is always going to be the most problematic, Some portions of med school will be the easiest. But I wouldn't try to block out a schedule.
 
I guess as females we have this innate pressure to start families at mid-20's. I was exactly the same, seeing myself married and with at least one child by the time I was 28 (key word: was).
As a scribe, only 2 of the 26 ER docs were females. One of which didn't go to med school until she was 41. By that time she had 2 kids my age and younger, so she really didn't have any advice to give me on the topic. The other female doctor was married young, around 35 when I worked with her, and never had children. Her and her husband elope to Italy and Belize on her 5 day stretches off.
The thing that convinced me to throw out that damn "have-some-kids-and-get-married" timeline is trying to picture my life as a mother, wife, and physician. No...time...for....yourself. Imagine getting off work after being on call all night, trying to make time for your kids and being a good parent. Imagine being on call all night, working all day, spending time with your kids AND THEN try to spend time with your husband and be a good wife.
It's kind of like a triangle with all 3 (mother, wife, doctor) at different corners. Let's say you make it work and can focus on 2 areas. By doing this, you'll be leaving one of the areas deficient. I'd hate for my children or husband to be one of them.

@Atticum put it perfectly: all of the questions you have don't exist after you have a child. Kids and husbands don't adhere to a timeline and they aren't something to schedule. Be young, take time to think.
 
Don't over think this. If you want kids, have kids. I have two and it's honestly not that hard -- it is for the first few months of your first baby, it's a big change, but us humans have an amazing ability to adapt to our circumstances.

Edit: oh and I'm in my mid 20s by the way. Someone made a very good point above about energy and raising kids. I can't tell you how many "older" parents have commented about how they wish they had the energy they had when they were in their 20s. From a biological stand point, your early to mid 20s is the optimal time to have kids... My wife and I look forward to our early 40s when our kids are out of the house and we can sit back in amusement as our friends are raising teenagers.
 
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I always find it weird that all the people that I know with kids look forward to the days when the kids are out of the house. Granted, I have almost no desire to raise kids, but this always catches my attention.

My wife and I look forward to our early 40s when our kids are out of the house and we can sit back in amusement as our friends are raising teenagers.
 
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@mspeedwagon

lol, they're out of the house, not dead. And besides, you are taking my comment out of context - I was referring to the fact that having kids young means that you will have more free time in your 40s when many other parents are still raising their children.
 
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Of course I'm taking the comment out of context; welcome to sdn. As someone not too far away from 40 (alright, maybe 31 is a little ways away), I don't think it matters. I have found my energy level to be higher in my 30s than it was in my 20s and hoping I discover the same thing in my 40s.

@mspeedwagon

lol, they're out of the house, not dead. And besides, you are taking my comment out of context - I was referring to the fact that having kids young means that you will have more free time in your 40s when many other parents are still raising their children.
 
While I can't say much about having a child while IN medical school/training, I'd say have kids BEFORE medical school. Med school can wait, if you're female (like me) kid bearing ages are numbered, I recently decided to wait on medical school and go the non-traditional route that way I can spend time with my family. Once they're off to school then I'll head back.

I'm 22 too and my husband and I got pregnant in my last year as an undergrad, Being pregnant and still being in school is not fun and takes a toll on you. I see it as a blessing in disguise because since then we've decided its better for us to have 1 or 2 more kids before I start back on the med school path.
 
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If you can, my vote would be 2nd or 3rd year residency, if you have all the back up support firmly in place--and even then there are never any guarantees. When you have children, there is predictable stuff, which is tough enough. But then there are potential things/issues that can be overwhelming. If you are ready for children from every angle, there is no simple answer. It's just that there may be things or events that may put some wrenches or delays in your medical, professional plan--b/c at the end of the day, your family will have to come first. Some disagree with this. To these people I say, well, you are proceeding without fully accepting that affecting close personal lives of the little others and/or spouse may be put them at serious risk. Cause life is never easy, family is never easy (if you care to do it justice IMHO), and certainly medicine is not easy (if you want to do it justice as well). Sometimes you are forced to leave one horse in the stall, b/c you can only ride one horse in the race. Quality of time ultimately does translate to greater investment of time--and God forbid, you run into serious health issues with someone in your family--now stuff gets really huge. Personally, I'd try to avoid M4 or PGY1--and depending upon what you actually end up doing, well, it will still be challenging.

Twenties is usually an ideal age to have children; but I had a baby oops at 30. Leaving my kids for work was tough. So then I switched for more night and WE hours. This is not something you will get to do as a resident. It's sucks; b/c as women, we have less of the most optimal window for reproduction than we think. For me, it worked out; b/c if I had waited, I wouldn't have been able to have anymore, even though being relatively young to continue to reproduce. OTOH, I had a boss that went through the top docs and got pregnant and delivered twins at 52. But, she had also had other kids at a younger age, so it wasn't her first time at that rodeo. They actually turned out quite well, and so did she. She did not look her age and her activity reflected this. She was blessed.

But I have worked w/ many parents at optimal ages for having children, and well, things happened in the pregnancy or w/ the baby/child. But know that I have skewed view however, b/c I manage cases on high risk kids. It just does happen at times--even if you do everything right. So there is no perfect answer; but intern year, I'd say no; b/c that is a brutal year.
 
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One thing I've noticed... when my female friend med students / residents have babies, they either switch to pediatrics or wish they had. When I ask them why, they say it is a little because of the subject matter (babies!!!) but mostly because of the lifestyle. It is like the competitive drive to get the high-paying hard-working career gets tossed out with the placenta. Maybe it is just a temporary thing; I wonder what they will be saying in 10 years.

Of course, I am one to talk. My wife has been repopulating New Orleans as fast as uterus will allow, and the specialty I decided I want to go into? Peds :)
 
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One thing I've noticed... when my female friend med students / residents have babies, they either switch to pediatrics or wish they had. When I ask them why, they say it is a little because of the subject matter (babies!!!) but mostly because of the lifestyle. It is like the competitive drive to get the high-paying hard-working career gets tossed out with the placenta. Maybe it is just a temporary thing; I wonder what they will be saying in 10 years.

Of course, I am one to talk. My wife has been repopulating New Orleans as fast as uterus will allow, and the specialty I decided I want to go into? Peds :)


LOL. Funny thing for me is that I had kids and I loved adult critical care and working OHS--all the techy stuff and thinking about hemodynamics. I swore I would NEVER do peds critical care. Then one day I decided to put my fears aside and give it a shot. I ended up loving it, although I had to give up A LOT of the autonomy we critical care nurses had with adults in certain centers. I also got a bit of a cut in my salary to do it; but I found that I actually loved it--most days. Other days the losses we faced in peds were tougher than some of the adults. I mean it's all tough; but between watching the kids and the parents, that was like a double sucker punch--even when you knew it was coming. Good news is that a nice percentage rebound, depending, as compared with certain older populations.

I am happy to work with both populations. My concern with FP is there may not be a higher percentage of kids as compared with adults--depending on where I would land. IM/Peds is something; but those folks often end up working one or the other. So, I am in a wait-and-see situation.

But as far as the OP. . .I think it depends so much on the support systems that you have in place. This is the biggest difference for me; since I am a pretty protective mom. And there is always this. . .if you totally blow the opportunity to be a great parent and be available for you kids to guide and direct them, nothing else you achieve beyond that will matter much. Sounds like a character statement from a movie, but it's still true. You have to live with your choices and their long-term effects on others.
 
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I guess as females we have this innate pressure to start families at mid-20's. I was exactly the same, seeing myself married and with at least one child by the time I was 28 (key word: was).
As a scribe, only 2 of the 26 ER docs were females. One of which didn't go to med school until she was 41. By that time she had 2 kids my age and younger, so she really didn't have any advice to give me on the topic. The other female doctor was married young, around 35 when I worked with her, and never had children. Her and her husband elope to Italy and Belize on her 5 day stretches off.
The thing that convinced me to throw out that damn "have-some-kids-and-get-married" timeline is trying to picture my life as a mother, wife, and physician. No...time...for....yourself. Imagine getting off work after being on call all night, trying to make time for your kids and being a good parent. Imagine being on call all night, working all day, spending time with your kids AND THEN try to spend time with your husband and be a good wife.
It's kind of like a triangle with all 3 (mother, wife, doctor) at different corners. Let's say you make it work and can focus on 2 areas. By doing this, you'll be leaving one of the areas deficient. I'd hate for my children or husband to be one of them.

@Atticum put it perfectly: all of the questions you have don't exist after you have a child. Kids and husbands don't adhere to a timeline and they aren't something to schedule. Be young, take time to think.
I will chime in here. I started medical school with 2 kids, ages 2 and 5. They are now 19 and 16. My husband essentially became the wife and mother. He stays home and has mostly always stayed home. He got them up for school, did their homework with them, put them to bed. I taught him how to cook basic meals. He has shuttled them around for all these years. He does all the laundry and housekeeping. He is their go to person when they have issues. He exists as my personal assistant and takes care of the to do list and answers all phone calls, does errands I don't have time to do. He even befriended their dad (my ex) so there would be good communication during holiday and summer visits. He was the one who flew them back and forth since school and residency got in the way.

I remember overhearing my daughter tell her friend when she was about 8 years old, "My mom is like the dad and goes and works, my step-dad is like the mom and stays home with us."

That is mostly true. Our family evolved how it was supposed to. I never envisioned myself as a stay at home mom and didn't become one. I always saw myself as a career woman with a dream and a goal who happened to have kids along the way. I don't see myself as bad mom nor have my kids ever professed that they felt cheated, etc. Things are even more skewed now that I have done locums for 5 years and just pop into home when schedules allow and holidays are upon us. I don't regret the life I have chosen as my goal was to have a career and never be in poverty or homeless again and to make sure my kids were well taken care of. I have achieved that. As a female trying to figure out if you should have kids in medical school or not, many do it, but the perfect fantasy in your head likely will be shattered quite quickly.
 
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My husband essentially became the wife and mother.
Our family evolved how it was supposed to.
As a female trying to figure out if you should have kids in medical school or not, many do it, but the perfect fantasy in your head likely will be shattered quite quickly.

Most of the female doctors I got to know as a scribe had a family life similar to this. One was a young Ob/Gyn, one was a kick-ass plastic surgeon, but both of them had 2 kids and their husbands stayed at home.
You put it perfectly when you said that your family evolved how it was supposed to. It was either that or you would have had to make sacrifices for your dream as a career woman and physician. I also love when men take on that kind of role and it's so wonderful that it worked so well for your children and the both of you.
Some of us (me) have typical males that would never do such a great job raising kids, keeping the house in order, and I would fear leaving those tasks with him all day, haha!
 
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Some of us (me) have typical males that would never do such a great job raising kids, keeping the house in order, and I would fear leaving those tasks with him all day, haha!

Even typical males can learn to do well at home given the chance, or put in that position out of necessity. They can do just as good a job with a little guidance, a lot of faith, and us letting go of the control a little. You can't control both sides of the fence, it's does make it easier with an OCD husband with a laundry addiction. :soexcited:
 
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One of my bosses and his wife are both attending surgeons.

How do they do it?

Her parents relocated to help them with child rearing.
 
How realistic is it to hire a live-in nanny during residency? My husband and I will both be working/very busy, but we still want kids.
 
How realistic is it to hire a live-in nanny during residency? My husband and I will both be working/very busy, but we still want kids.

Its possible. A few residents I know have done it. Its expensive though.

At the same time, the vast majority of residents with kids just have family look after them or use daycare.

You both want something you don't have time for?

I've never understood this. Not to mention I feel bad for the kids too.

Only seeing their parents a few hours a week at most plus maybe every other weekend.

Assuming its not a EP-ROAD or FM residency.
 
You both want something you don't have time for?
Yes because residency is finite and I'll be in my mid-30s before I finish residency.

People really need to just do what they want. When I talked about being "childfree" back in my early 20s I got a similarly curt and judgmental response.
 
You both want something you don't have time for?

You never just have time for children, you make time for children. Not having kids because you're too 'busy' is the equivalent of not eating or breathing because you're just too busy to do so. Kids are your genetic legacy. If you don't reproduce, you're removing the genes that gave you a top 1% IQ from the gene pool. That's both bad for humanity and bad for yourself.

Careers need to make time for family, no matter how intense the field.
 
We'll probably have to do something like this. Neither of us has family in the US so free family labor is out of the question. I'd suggest being really careful about debt now!

I'll be mid-30s when I finish med school, so I'll probably try to take a research year, then some sort of nanny or daycare.
Yeah, we are also Canadians in the USA haha. The research year is a great idea!
 
i wouldn't even get a puppy during med school.
 
You never just have time for children, you make time for children. Not having kids because you're too 'busy' is the equivalent of not eating or breathing because you're just too busy to do so.
Up to this point, I was like, amen, brotha or sista.

Kids are your genetic legacy. If you don't reproduce, you're removing the genes that gave you a top 1% IQ from the gene pool. That's both bad for humanity and bad for yourself.
Now I'm like, that's got to be the worst reason to have kids ever. There's enough unwanted kids out there already. Never felt the need to burden the world with yet another one sharing my DNA.

How realistic is it to hire a live-in nanny during residency? My husband and I will both be working/very busy, but we still want kids.
Depends on where you are. If you're in NYC, forget it. If you're somewhere with a reasonable COL, possibly, but I still wouldn't count on it. Nearly all forms of quality childcare are painfully expensive, and hiring someone privately will almost certainly cost more than using a government or university-subsidized day care. You could look into having an au pair. But it's probably most realistic to expect to use a daycare center while still in residency, or possibly to pay one of your residency colleagues if they have a stay at home spouse who wants to earn some extra $$ watching your kids along with their own.
 
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