Things I Learn From My Patients

OMG this is the funniest stuff I think I have ever heard/read. God bless all of you in the medical field! I'm so happy to see you have a place to vent to help keep your sanity. I have a couple little stories that you may or may not find humorous, from the "customer" side of things. This isn't ED, but gyn surgery, but this appears to be the place to post funnies.

I am 36yo F, who recently had total hysterectomy w/ many adhesions removed. I'm thrilled that the staff spoke to me as if I was a nutjob for crying as I'm being wheeled in to anasthesia. (36 yo f w/ no kids about to have hyst...HELLO.)

Wake up to my 3-ring-notebook-chart thrown precisely onto my abdominal incision during transport. Ok, maybe it wasn't thrown, but it sure felt like it. Then after I'm moved onto my bed, as I'm trying to see name of person who did this, she turns her badge around so I can't see her name, saying "I thought you were mad at me". YA THINK? Just give me my morphine & run & thank your lucky stars I'm in too much pain to hunt you down.

Next morning....I still don't know if they left my ovaries & really hope I don't have to start menopause. Doc comes in & asks ME, "did we leave your ovaries?" Funny now, notsomuch then.

This is from a woman on a hysterectomy board thread about funny things we did while in the hospital. I guess she got some pre-anasthesia cocktail to calm her down. Long story short, she hid a lighter in her vagina (found by doc in surgery) because she was convinced staff would take her cigs & lighters.

thanks for all your stories, they have entertained me the last 3 days my dad is one of the chiefs of the local fire dept so I got to see alot growing up and i understand the whole you have to laugh when you can aspect.
so ill include a few of my own, besides the FB per rectum there have been a few mentionables
1. while trying to commit suicide and you choose to take an OD of Nitroglycerin, no matter how many times you run into the wall you will not expode... only thing that happens is you knock yourself out and the neighbor in the next apartment calls 911 because of the loud banging

another thing i learned in my internship at the local hospital
when your an 18 year old college student and get too drunk thanks to a frat party, and are BIBA, No my ER is not the frat house, when you start fighting we will start straping you down, smacking me is not a smart idea because i stop being so nice while straping you down then calling us all fags and dinguses and telling us you can kick all of our asses willl not make us let you loose, but i will chuckle at the face you make when you get a foley and scream bloody murder, spitting at us will only get one of the mesh covers put over your face
and finally when moved out to the hall because we need to free the trauma bay, start whining for mommy, and that you want to go home followed by screaming at a 6 year old kid who looks at you that he is a ***, a f***er and should go to hell just gets you a nice little shot letting you go to sleep

I was working in Guatemala in April where I treated a 4 year old with a sore throat. We didn't have rapid streps or throat cultures, so I had to use my exam. (I know, I know you can't use exam to differentiate between Strep and viral pharyngitis, but hey, I didn't have any choice. I probably way overtreated viral pharyngitis - but I was not gonna cause any scarlet fever, damn it!)

So I'm looking in this four year old's mouth, and then I see it. The gleam in his eye that means he's gonna hawk one at me. Unfortunately, I didn't see it quite soon enough. He nailed me in the mouth.

Mama then told my little gordito of a patient that she'd smack him if he didn't open up. He didn't, so she did. I usually give parents a little reprimand when they do something stupid like smacking their kids while a mandatory reporter is in the same damn room... but I just didn't have it in me this time.

Four days later I couldn't swallow or speak, had wicked cervical lymphadenopathy and nausea. I was so pleased, really... about letting mama give him one upside the head.

I told my colleagues about this thread and we came up with a little segment of "Things you learn in the Pedi ER". There's a few repeats from previous posts, making it seem this kind of stuff isn't as uncommon as one might hope. Anyway, enjoy!

Things you learn in the Pedi ER :

It turns out most students really aren’t paying attention in Health class, FYI for those kiddos, sex makes you pregnant, poison makes you sick, and alcohol makes you drunk.

When a parent tells you that their kid had a “seizure,” it could mean anything from:
“Well, she coughed a little.”
to
“He stuck his finger in a socket and hasn’t moved since, is that bad?”

Funny how those parents who won’t vaccinate due to a one-in-a-billion side effect are often perfectly content to blow smoke in their kids faces all day long.

A good way to move to the front of the line in a crowded ER is to say your kid has stopped breathing. When the doctor sprints to your room, just tell him the real reason is that Little Johnny needs some school papers signed, he won’t mind at all.

If the parents have a negative teeth to tattoo ratio, there is little chance things will end well.

If we had a "parenting license" requiring a basic intelligence/sanity test before being allowed to reproduce, we could cut Pedi ER admissions by 90%.

Nothing spells "imminent trauma" like a group of bored teenage boys.

Actual chief complaints presented in the Pedi ER:
“sometimes she gets a runny nose, but then it goes away”
“he got lots of ant bites today and I ran out of ointment”
“I gave a 6 yo my adult dose of Xanax because she seemed really stressed out”
“I had sex for the first time today and I started bleeding!” (a 15yo, honestly)
“my son is really lazy and won’t do his homework or chores”
“we were playing tag with roman candles”
“ my newborn baby pooped out this horrible, sticky green stool!” (that’s right, the CC was meconium)

Oh well, you have to laugh or else you'll cry.

if you're having lots of chest pain, DEFINITELY wait until the alabama vs. vanderbilt game is over to present to the ED, because alabama vs. vanderbilt is the game of the century and your heart attack (high troponin, ekg changes in the ED) can wait. folks in alabama are very committed to their football.

JackBauERfan said:

if you're having lots of chest pain, DEFINITELY wait until the alabama vs. vanderbilt game is over to present to the ED, because alabama vs. vanderbilt is the game of the century and your heart attack (high troponin, ekg changes in the ED) can wait. folks in alabama are very committed to their football.

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That goes hand in hand with waiting to call EMS when grandpa slumps over in his chair drooling, has facial droop, slurred speech, and right sided paralysis with neglect because the EMS providers will insist on interrupting the game to get information. Grandpa will be just fine for another hour and a half because (and I quote) "those neurosurgeons can just turn him back on, you know, like in that movie?" (actual EMS call when I was still an OT student and working as an EMT-B)

oompaloompa said:

“we were playing tag with roman candles”

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What's wrong with that. I have fond memories of warm summer days under a full moon shooting at my friends with roman candles or bottle rockets.

Never mind, on second thought, that does seem like one of the dumber moments of my childhood.

It's right up there with the BB gun and rock wars that we used to have.

Oh and the javelin catching competition

-Mike

Listening to you guys, my broomhandle wars and trampoline fights sound rather tame.

Miami_med said:

Listening to you guys, my broomhandle wars and trampoline fights sound rather tame.

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So that's how that got up there!

Chronic Student said:

It's right up there with the BB gun and rock wars that we used to have.

Oh and the javelin catching competition

-Mike

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In junior high we all had BB guns and bow and arrow sets. Someone came up with a game where you shot an arrow up in the air and then everyone tried to be the one standing closest to where it came down. To this day I'm amazed no on got pithed

My friends and I had bottle rocket wars in high school. Our arsenal consited of cluster bombs, made by taking the sticks off bottle rockets and rubber-banding them together (light and toss), roman candles, helocopters, and just about anything else that you could throw and would explode. No one got burned too badly, but damn we had fun for the week around the 4th of July.

ERMudPhud said:

In junior high we all had BB guns and bow and arrow sets. Someone came up with a game where you shot an arrow up in the air and then everyone tried to be the one standing closest to where it came down. To this day I'm amazed no on got pithed

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I have some crazy A** Marine friends and they created a similar game. They had some of those old lawn darts that they took off the market, I think they were called "Jarts" or something like that. They have this heavy metal head and some plastic fins.

Anyway, the three of them would stand back to back to back and one of them would throw the thing in the air and then they would all take off.

The name of the game. "RUN AWAY"!

These are the same folks who practiced house jumping and one of them even challenged the other to nail his scotum to a work bench. He did, after lots of alcohol and of course his friends took off with the hammer for awhile.

Gotta love those Marines.

-Mike

Chronic Student said:

These are the same folks who practiced house jumping and one of them even challenged the other to nail his scotum to a work bench. He did, after lots of alcohol and of course his friends took off with the hammer for awhile.

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Ow. Just...ow.

Chronic Student said:

I have some crazy A** Marine friends and they created a similar game. They had some of those old lawn darts that they took off the market, I think they were called "Jarts" or something like that. They have this heavy metal head and some plastic fins.
-Mike

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A not very well adjusted childhood friend had those. He also happend to live next to the token crazy cat lady. Yeah, moving targets...

repeat post

Found a pristine,vintage set of the now-banned Jarts in the garage of a house we bought last month. I will have to dispose of them properly or risk having a personal tale of stupidity to this thread.

beanbean said:

Found a pristine,vintage set of the now-banned Jarts in the garage of a house we bought last month. I will have to dispose of them properly or risk having a personal tale of stupidity to this thread.

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WHAT?? Sell them on eBay! For sure!!

ISR said:

Ow. Just...ow.

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We had a guy who nailed one of his testicles to a roof accidentally. His buddy threw the nailgun to him and he didn't catch it. "Owwww" doesn't even begin to describe it.

doctawife said:

So that's how that got up there!

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Hehe, we did do our best to avoid any injuries to back side (This would have definitely messed up my reputation at 14 )

DropkickMurphy said:

We had a guy who nailed one of his testicles to a roof accidentally. His buddy threw the nailgun to him and he didn't catch it. "Owwww" doesn't even begin to describe it.

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Ya sure it was an accident? Some porno sites pay good money to see that stuff. Yikes!

BMI of 101 before gastric bypass surgery = bad
BMI of 55 one year after gastric bypass surgery = worse?

I've learned that one should never suffer major trauma or illness in July. EVER.

In july, people should stay home, and take their meds religiously.

oompaloompa said:

Funny how those parents who won’t vaccinate due to a one-in-a-billion side effect are often perfectly content to blow smoke in their kids faces all day long.

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it's a bit greater than one in a billion. and i'd venture to say the majority of us don't smoke. we all, however, deal with close-minded judgemental doctors who don't respect our rights and assume anyone who disagrees with them must be wrong.

MiesVanDerMom said:

it's a bit greater than one in a billion. and i'd venture to say the majority of us don't smoke. we all, however, deal with close-minded judgemental doctors who don't respect our rights and assume anyone who disagrees with them must be wrong.

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Oh, 'cause we can't mock the folks who want to the rely on the herd immunity provided by the un-educated masses or anything.

'Cause your rights are more important than keeping kids from dying of pertussis, or anything radical like that.

'nstuff.

MiesVanDerMom said:

it's a bit greater than one in a billion. and i'd venture to say the majority of us don't smoke. we all, however, deal with close-minded judgemental doctors who don't respect our rights and assume anyone who disagrees with them must be wrong.

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Well, "closed-minded judgemental statistics" show you what happens with unvaccinated kids.

Deluded parents that would rather believe one discredited paper saying "autism" over mounds of much more reliable papers that say "no", and not vaccinate their kids, are an oblique menace to their children. Just see a kid trached from pertussis, or a kid who lives through measles - and that is a solid connection, instead of some vague autism connection - and see who is closed-minded.

Lies, damn lies, and statistics. And, do you think the government is wrong for keeping unvaccinated kids out of school? Or do you object to that, too? What type of organization do you NOT object to?

Bottom line is, unvaccinated kids, in this day and age? Yes, you ARE wrong.

Apollyon said:

Well, "closed-minded judgemental statistics" show you what happens with unvaccinated kids.

Deluded parents that would rather believe one discredited paper saying "autism" over mounds of much more reliable papers that say "no", and not vaccinate their kids, are an oblique menace to their children. Just see a kid trached from pertussis, or a kid who lives through measles - and that is a solid connection, instead of some vague autism connection - and see who is closed-minded.

Lies, damn lies, and statistics. And, do you think the government is wrong for keeping unvaccinated kids out of school? Or do you object to that, too? What type of organization do you NOT object to?

Bottom line is, unvaccinated kids, in this day and age? Yes, you ARE wrong.

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First off, nice Mark Twain reference, Apol.

Second, Apol could have gone farther: parents who choose not to vaccinate their kids based on a self-admitted faulty study in England are no only WRONG, they are indeed a menace to society at large as modern-day vaccination programs are predicated on a specific statistical threshold for vaccine uptake to be successful on a population basis. All in the name of some ill-defined concept of "your rights"? How, exactly, are 'your rights' being violated? Go on, I challenge you to show go beyond the catch phrase of "rights violation". The only "right" you're clinging to is the right to remain in a shadow of ignorance. At other's expense. How do you feel about trampling on those rights?

But then, you'd rather use your "open-mind" than statistical proof, so why would that bother you?

Interesting discussion on vaccinations; could be another thread.
But, I need my lessons from patients, because they teach me so much. I used to be so naive before I walked in to an ER.

DogFaceMedic said:

Interesting discussion on vaccinations; could be another thread.
But, I need my lessons from patients, because they teach me so much. I used to be so naive before I walked in to an ER.

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I know the vaccination debate is off topic, but it's fun to watch the verbal beating.

c'mon, vaccinate your kids. if you're smart enough to be reading these forums, you're smart enough to know that your children are vastly better off immunized than not. after clothing, sheltering, and feeding your children, the next best thing you can do to make sure they grow up is to VACCINATE them. that's just the way is.

back to fireworks. the older i get (and i'm not that old) the more of a bad idea fireworks seem. children. explosives. low quality control standards. hmmm.... and adults are no better cause usually with them, there's booze in the mix.

jesus it's hard to see ya'll from up here on my horse. i'll come down now.


so the summer after sixth grade, friend and i were having firework wars. bottle rockets and roman candles. then we figured out that you could make a poormans claymore by pointing a package of saturn missiles in someones direction.

if you don't know, that would be these things:


turns out that no one, except me, got hit by anything that night. i however, took an entire volly of those saturn missles and got hit everywhere. burns on my face, arms, legs... anything not clothed. oh and the clothes? my shorts were ok. but my shirt caught on fire. yes, caught fire. but i got it off fast enough it didn't burn me badly.

anyway, the remarkable thing is that i bear no lingering scares from that incident. i had some discolored spots on my face and arms for several years, but heres to the power of the young body! the spots faded and are no longer there.

the only fireworks related ER story i have is a guy who was completely drunk and decided to fire off some motars from his roof. he didn't make it too the roof, though. he fell off the ladder and broke his arm. he was also the first patient i saw push a nurse into the wall so he could go outside and smoke.

too bad we can't vaccinate ourselfs from stupidity.

Bent Aub said:

I know the vaccination debate is off topic, but it's fun to watch the verbal beating.

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Yes, watching Apo go to work is exciting, but I wish this discussion could be reserved for another thread (I'm not addressing this statement to Apo). This thread is about the stupid things that parents do, not the fanatical statements that zealots proclaim.

deuist said:

Yes, watching Apo go to work is exciting, but I wish this discussion could be reserved for another thread (I'm not addressing this statement to Apo). This thread is about the stupid things that parents do, not the fanatical statements that zealots proclaim.

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You hit the nail right on the head. I'm all for the thread being back on track.

It's probably not a good idea to try and break the flaming 2x4 on your friends back like "in the movies." Chances are the 2x4 ain't gonna break.

Then here's one for you all.

Bearing in mind that I don't work in the ER, so most of my stories I either get from my long gone days of being an EMT-B, the admission records, from the patient themselves, from their families, or from listening to the docs chat.

Patient is brought up to our floor with 3rd degree burns to his hands (palms only) chest, and face. When asked how he got these burns he admitted (proudly) that he was the only one at the part who was able to juggle three flaming tennis balls. Apparently, after getting very intoxicated, then thing to do was to soak tennis balls in gasoline, ignite them, and try to juggle them. 3rd degree hand burns from holding the balls, facial burns from the flames being thrown right in front of his face, and chest burns from dropping one of the balls, trying to "catch it", and catching his shirt on fire.

Moral of the story? Gasoline, tennis balls, fire, juggling, and booze do not mix well. (or they do, depending on your point of view)

I learned today that if you are planning on committing suicide, make sure you do it right. There are certain methods that are NOT a good idea. Overdose when there's someone else home, GSW to the chest/stomach, throwing yourself in front of a car...all of these methods plus more leave you with a decent or better chance of surviving...with major health problems following. However, one stands above them all. Fire. DO NOT ATTEMPT SUICIDE BY FIRE.

41 y/o female, s/p attempted self immolation, 75% TBSA full thickness burns scattered throughout her body, inhalation injury, occular injury, dessicated fingers, compartment syndrome to upper and lower extremities bilaterally, and abdominal compartment syndrome with an open gut. Her husband heard her screaming in the other room and ran in to put her out, suffering burns himself. She is VERY MUCH alive at this point, AND before we intubated her and gave her the best "cocktail" of her life, she was mad and yelling at US for allowing her husband to "hurt himself, why did you let him get burned?"

I am wondering when SETTING ONESELF ON FIRE became a good idea?

ISR said:

I learned today that if you are planning on committing suicide, make sure you do it right. There are certain methods that are NOT a good idea. Overdose when there's someone else home, GSW to the chest/stomach, throwing yourself in front of a car...all of these methods plus more leave you with a decent or better chance of surviving...with major health problems following. However, one stands above them all. Fire. DO NOT ATTEMPT SUICIDE BY FIRE.

41 y/o female, s/p attempted self immolation, 75% TBSA full thickness burns scattered throughout her body, inhalation injury, occular injury, dessicated fingers, compartment syndrome to upper and lower extremities bilaterally, and abdominal compartment syndrome with an open gut. Her husband heard her screaming in the other room and ran in to put her out, suffering burns himself. She is VERY MUCH alive at this point, AND before we intubated her and gave her the best "cocktail" of her life, she was mad and yelling at US for allowing her husband to "hurt himself, why did you let him get burned?"

I am wondering when SETTING ONESELF ON FIRE became a good idea?

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I don't think she'll last very long with 75% TBSA full thickness...

Well, we have discovered a high number of failed suicide attemps, usually because they aren't planned out well in terms of success chance, or they way that they will meet death (ie: death from fire is probably going to happen in a hospital after considerable pain and expense, OD on random drugs/chemicals often fails when others are near)

So I guess what we have learned is that those who try to take their own lives often lack the brainpower to do so effectively, while those who know how to end their lives are usually of more importance to society and won't try...or else they will be killed by the random, bad-luck, low-fatality-rate event.

How else can you explain gerneral low-lifes surviving multiple gunshot wounds to the chest or head, but a hard-working police officer dies from a GSW to the leg?

MatNeo said:

How else can you explain gerneral low-lifes surviving multiple gunshot wounds to the chest or head, but a hard-working police officer dies from a GSW to the leg?

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Go back right to one of the first pages of this thread where I outlined the "law of inverse value"; you have hit the nail right on the head (no pun intended).

on psych I had a Young white crack head girl who jumped off a 2 story building during a police chase. (?!!?!?!!!!!!) She was trying to kill herself to end the police chase.

anyway, of course she survives....except she's got a shattered pelvis, double femer fractures, and thoracic and spinal lumbar fractures.

it was quite a scene to see her laid up in bed with all that weird ortho equipment and pulleys and sandbags and whatnot. and then, as if she could get up and run away, one hand was cuffed to the bed!!

TPS report said:

on psych I had a Young white crack head girl who jumped off a 2 story building during a police chase. (?!!?!?!!!!!!) She was trying to kill herself to end the police chase.

anyway, of course she survives....except she's got a shattered pelvis, double femer fractures, and thoracic and spinal lumbar fractures.

it was quite a scene to see her laid up in bed with all that weird ortho equipment and pulleys and sandbags and whatnot. and then, as if she could get up and run away, one hand was cuffed to the bed!!

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Never underestimate the superhuman strengths of the average ghetto crackhead. One handcuff might not have been enough!

I love it when pt's listen to thier PCP. 48 yo F given a prescript for bronchitis and told not to drink while taking it. Surprisingly enough she listened. She didnt take her meds but decided to drink a 40 or 2, smoke a pack of cigarettes (cause you always smoke more when you drink) and had a panic attack in the middle of the living room floor. But she didnt drink while on the medication so she gets a gold star sticker.

The AIC asked her if she spoke english. I almost told him that the county doesnt have an ebonics translator on call.

leviathan said:

Never underestimate the superhuman strengths of the average ghetto crackhead. One handcuff might not have been enough!

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Yeah if she's a young white girl thats surviving in the ghetto you know she's a tough bitch.

leviathan said:

Never underestimate the superhuman strengths of the average ghetto crackhead. One handcuff might not have been enough!

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Or a diabetic. The freakin bathtub (on an EMS call) was broken wrestling with this guy.

Wackie said:

Or a diabetic. The freakin bathtub (on an EMS call) was broken wrestling with this guy.

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One of those personal lines i do not cross in EMS is wrestling naked men in a bathtub.

JaySin said:

One of those personal lines i do not cross in EMS is wrestling naked men in a bathtub.

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Never happened yet, and I certainly hope I don't see that call. My advice, call in the police and let them handle it.

JaySin said:

One of those personal lines i do not cross in EMS is wrestling naked men in a bathtub.

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He waren't naked. It just ended in the bathroom. Not that big of a guy either. But he threw around fire fighters without a problem. One of the fire fighters is 6'5" and ~230lbs.

Wackie said:

Or a diabetic. The freakin bathtub (on an EMS call) was broken wrestling with this guy.

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Tom Cruise likes to wrestle hot sweaty men.....!

Wackie said:

He waren't naked. It just ended in the bathroom. Not that big of a guy either. But he threw around fire fighters without a problem. One of the fire fighters is 6'5" and ~230lbs.

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Im 6'2 240lbs. Im not skinny but im not that fat either. They always send me in first. While i let the cops handle it as much as possible but sometimes its just easier for me to do it. It takes me back to my days as a bouncer. One thing i've learned is to never underestimate the strenght of a mentally handicapped person.

JaySin said:

Im 6'2 240lbs. Im not skinny but im not that fat either. They always send me in first. While i let the cops handle it as much as possible but sometimes its just easier for me to do it. It takes me back to my days as a bouncer. One thing i've learned is to never underestimate the strenght of a mentally handicapped person.

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I'm 5'8" and you've got me by about 100lbs. I stay the hell away from those situations and let the big boys handle it. I'd get mashed like a pancake before my 8 seconds were up.