Anyone aprehensive about what medschool will do to their relationship?

persephone1 said:

Anyone aprehensive about what medschool will do to their relationship?

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oh yes....the whole geography thing is kinda painful. I hope I don't have to go off too far...

What relationship? I'm hoping med school will help me start one.

Sarak510 said:

oh yes....the whole geography thing is kinda painful. I hope I don't have to go off too far...

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yep me too, plannin on getting married, if med school doesn't throw me too far away, sadness.

Yeah definitely. I tried to include a lot of places in my list that would give us a common city. Hopefully it will work, but she's got to get a job and I have to get accepted...

I'm thining about using the whole "going to be a doctor thing" on chicks. On a serious note though, hopefully it will make your relationship stronger. Good

persephone1 said:

Anyone aprehensive about what medschool will do to their relationship?

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The strongest relationships survive. The weak ones were never meant to be anyhow.

JDUB44 said:

yep me too, plannin on getting married, if med school doesn't throw me too far away, sadness.

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JDUB...u are my mcat twin! hopefully both of us will get our wish to stay near our loved ones

I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years....I have no idea what is going to happen to my relationship....hard to think about though.

I haven't been with this person too long, but it is something that is in my head about where I should go.

my girlfriend said depending where i go, she'll most likely move in with me. :crosses fingers:

My husband's a PhD student in oceanography at MIT, and he's got at least 2 more years. So all I have to do is get accepted in Boston. Piece of cake. But seriously, I moved to Boston and lost my Florida residency for him, so he's cool with moving for me after he graduates. We may have to spend 2 years apart though first.

i've been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years. during the whole duration i was in cali going to college and he was doing the same but in new york. now he's in the army and i'm doing the med school thing (with one year of college left).
i worry ya but i think if your significant other is really supportive and also as busy as a med student it'll be okay. i think the question for people in relationships really is "does your significant other thing you're gonna be more 'compatable' with someone in your med school class?"

chaeymaey said:

What relationship? I'm hoping med school will help me start one.

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hahahah. i was gonna write that. great minds think alike.

I've been married for three years already, and wherever we have to go is where we have to go. We are pretty independent to begin with, and have both different and overlapping groups of friends, so even if I end up spending my weeks in Milwaukee or Ohio or whatever, I can spend my weekends at home so hubby can stay in Chicago to practice law. We can be flexible. Pittsburgh or New York is going to create more of a problem for us but we have to let the chips fall where they may. Whatever will be, will be.

Relationships go under heavy strain in med school. In the past year, I've seen two divorces and several major breakups (i.e., the couple was living together and split). With the time commitment that students have to make for studying, few people can go out and start meeting others outside of school. The easy solution is to start dating classmates. You'll read on other forums some of the horror stories that come with that territory. I don't mean to paint a dark picture. I've also seen one classmate get married and another get engaged. You can have a relationship while in med school, but you have to make time for it when you'd rather be studying.

meh, I just realize that one I'm able to use "I'm a doctor" as a pickup line, I'll be golden.

persephone1 said:

Anyone aprehensive about what medschool will do to their relationship?

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Everything happens for a reason. My S.O. is setting up his career and spending the next few years traveling. It would be very rare if we were near each other. But we did the long distance thing before, and we've got a pretty sturdy (7 year relationship, 12 year friendship) history.

I've been in a long distance relationship with my bf for nearly 3 years now. I'm hoping to get accepted in state/FL (cuz it's cheap for me) or NC (to be with him). He said he'd take care of me either way but he's a really big baby so I think he means that in a very general sense; like I'll pay rent if you wash my clothes, dishes, make me dinner etc. I don't mind cuz he's special. If I end up having to stay in FL he said he'd come down after he graduates in about a year and a half so we'll see. If you love each other and both people are willing to make sacrifices for the other and be understanding/supportive of each other than I think it'll work.

definitely aprehensive.. I'm getting married in June. He may not move if I have to leave the area b/c of the good paying job he has in NYC right now. The sacrifices we make for a good future...

My wife and I are expecting our first child in December. I feel solid with my wife (it helps that she is in the medical field) but I'm worried about what kind of dad I'll be. I hope medical school doesn't make me too much of an absent father.

keepdreaming said:

i've been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years. during the whole duration i was in cali going to college and he was doing the same but in new york. now he's in the army and i'm doing the med school thing (with one year of college left).
i worry ya but i think if your significant other is really supportive and also as busy as a med student it'll be okay. i think the question for people in relationships really is "does your significant other thing you're gonna be more 'compatable' with someone in your med school class?"

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I've been with my boyfriend for nearly two years... He's been in school in NY, and I've been in school in SC and CO. We've been pretty fine so far, and he's studying abroad next year, so we'll only talk to each other about once a week. After that, I think anything's possible. I'm going to try to go to school in NY, though, so I can be closer to him, and spend a little time with him every once and a while. If not, he's willing to travel to see me, so it'll all work out.

chaeymaey said:

What relationship? I'm hoping med school will help me start one.

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Ha, yeah, that's about my only hope as well. I'm more apprehensive about leaving undergrad without a relationship, since surely that's about the easiest time in one's life to meet someone.

count me in the long relationship going in pile.

once in med school, as others have said i think it's all about making time for what's important to you. i think it would be possible to get through school and maintain a good relationship with s.o./kids, but i would think the amount of dedication you need for, say, getting into derm or surgery would force you to make sacrifices in other areas of your life. but some areas of medicine work all sorts of crazy hours even after residency, so if you plan on keeping your s.o. it's best you make sure they understand what they are getting themselves into if your lives have been different until this point.

I mean, you all could ask yourselves, Am I apprehensive about what LIFE in general will do to my relationship? Because $hit happens, if you hadn't noticed.

People lose jobs, pick up bad habits (gambling, drinking, etc), have health problems, have affairs and do all kinds of horrible things.

Love is mostly about where you've been (What do you have in common? What don't you?), where you are (who are you now versus when you met that person), and where you're going (in both a physical and emotional sense). If any one of those things stops lining up for some reason or another, people have problems unless they can get back on track. Med school or not, life is going where it is going.

Will your partner still be there with you when you get there? That remains to be seen. I love my husband dearly, and the two of us are a great team. We have weathered law school together. We have moved to a new city. We were college sweethearts. However, does this make us bulletproof? What if we throw a child into the mix? What if we suffer financially? What if one of us gets very, very ill? The relationship has to adjust. Two people have to adjust. Can both of us keep adjusting? I hope so. If one of us can't for some reason, maybe it is better that we find out sooner rather than later; before children, before we own a home.

jackieMD2007 said:

We have weathered law school together . . . What if we suffer financially?

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If you make it through med school, I can't imagine too much financial suffering in a family of a lawyer and doctor.

Problem here is that I am going to med school somewhere (hopefully) and she is going to pharmacy school somewhere.

So who knows if it will be in the same state or city...

jackieMD2007 said:

Love is mostly about where you've been (What do you have in common? What don't you?), where you are (who are you now versus when you met that person), and where you're going (in both a physical and emotional sense). If any one of those things stops lining up for some reason or another, people have problems unless they can get back on track. Med school or not, life is going where it is going.

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word. my boyfriend and i are "college sweethearts" and have been through a lot together, but i know it'll all come down to where we both end up a year from now (i'm pre-med and he's pre-dent). our future is incredibly fuzzy right now, and the fact that he hasn't started applying to dental schools yet doesn't help either...

it's funny that this thread should pop up now, as my girlfriend just dumped me, and me almost surely moving out of NC for med school was one of her excuses. All i can say is that you've gotta make yourself happy regardless of a relationship, and i wouldn't forgive myself if i sacrificed becomming a doctor for a relationship.

persephone1 said:

Anyone aprehensive about what medschool will do to their relationship?

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Sometimes.

no, not at all, because i don't f*cking have one

deuist said:

Relationships go under heavy strain in med school. In the past year, I've seen two divorces and several major breakups (i.e., the couple was living together and split). With the time commitment that students have to make for studying, few people can go out and start meeting others outside of school. The easy solution is to start dating classmates. You'll read on other forums some of the horror stories that come with that territory. I don't mean to paint a dark picture. I've also seen one classmate get married and another get engaged. You can have a relationship while in med school, but you have to make time for it when you'd rather be studying.

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sounds to be about the same success/failure rate as couples outside of med school.

i am worried tho. i think we'll make it but don't think he quite understands how busy i will be. i expect the trouble to come from the fact that i currently do the cooking and almost all the cleaning. i won't have time for all that and i know he won't pick up the slack as much as i'd like and i get really bitchy when i feel like things around me aren't in order. hopefully knowing all this in advance, i can try to head it off.

luckily, i hate studying in groups or in libraries or in cafes. i like to study at home so at least he will see me in the evenings.

i don't think he knows what's coming when i hit residency tho...

isobel said:

sounds to be about the same success/failure rate as couples outside of med school.

i am worried tho. i think we'll make it but don't think he quite understands how busy i will be. i expect the trouble to come from the fact that i currently do the cooking and almost all the cleaning. i won't have time for all that and i know he won't pick up the slack as much as i'd like and i get really bitchy when i feel like things around me aren't in order. hopefully knowing all this in advance, i can try to head it off.

luckily, i hate studying in groups or in libraries or in cafes. i like to study at home so at least he will see me in the evenings.

i don't think he knows what's coming when i hit residency tho...

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Seriously. Get right on that, right now. Tell him exactly what you want him to do. Show him how to do it. Do not be roundabout on this, as he might think you're just venting about doing the housework. Be direct. Start making some housework jobs his and some jobs yours. Be clear about what your standards are, but try to be realistic. Some of the things we do when we're cleaning don't really help, they probably just make us feel better. Your husband may not clean better than you but that is NOT the point, the point is that you shouldn't have to shoulder all of the housework. And, besides. If you're not so tired from work/housework/cooking, you'd have more energy for other things. I think you can explain to him clearly exactly what other things.

Luckily my husband has already been through med school, so he will understand but it is going to be a huge strain on us I'm sure. Plus the fact that we might be starting our family in med school. Not everything is meant to be but if you have the right partnership, you can work through anything!!!

jackieMD2007 said:

Seriously. Get right on that, right now. Tell him exactly what you want him to do. Show him how to do it. Do not be roundabout on this, as he might think you're just venting about doing the housework. Be direct. Start making some housework jobs his and some jobs yours. Be clear about what your standards are, but try to be realistic. Some of the things we do when we're cleaning don't really help, they probably just make us feel better. Your husband may not clean better than you but that is NOT the point, the point is that you shouldn't have to shoulder all of the housework. And, besides. If you're not so tired from work/housework/cooking, you'd have more energy for other things. I think you can explain to him clearly exactly what other things.

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Yes, but understand that the tasks your husband does may be done to his level of cleanliness. You may have to let down your high standards of cleanliness while in school. If he does a job but doesn't do it to your standards - doesn't mean he's not trying, doesn't care, etc, just means he doesn't have as high of standards as you do. Trying to press your standards on him is just going to be a big headache for both. You'll end up frustrated with him and he'll feel like not trying because his efforts aren't rewarded.
I have trouble with this with my husband, cept its the other way around. He was in the military and expects everything to be spit shined, (figuratively) but I'm more of a slob. I clean, but get pretty irritated when I feel like I'm being "managed". We've been married for four years and have pretty much got it worked out that if he wants something done a specific way and to specific standards, he's gonna have to do it himself - i.e. he does all his laundry.

noelleruckman said:

Yes, but understand that the tasks your husband does may be done to his level of cleanliness. You may have to let down your high standards of cleanliness while in school. If he does a job but doesn't do it to your standards - doesn't mean he's not trying, doesn't care, etc, just means he doesn't have as high of standards as you do. Trying to press your standards on him is just going to be a big headache for both. You'll end up frustrated with him and he'll feel like not trying because his efforts aren't rewarded.
I have trouble with this with my husband, cept its the other way around. He was in the military and expects everything to be spit shined, (figuratively) but I'm more of a slob. I clean, but get pretty irritated when I feel like I'm being "managed". We've been married for four years and have pretty much got it worked out that if he wants something done a specific way and to specific standards, he's gonna have to do it himself - i.e. he does all his laundry.

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So awesome. I knew someone would bust out the military husband example. Here is the exception to the rule--someone who cleans better than you. Probably cooks and irons better than you, too. I think I could handle an official housework inspection, as I was trained by a 40's housewife, and that woman was an @ss-kicker. My pop was in the military, and I've never seen him do jack around the house, so I guess she was up to snuff or he was smart enough to let her do it anyway.

For whatever, reason, the idea of "spit shining" (heh, perv) something is just funny to me on so many levels. Moving on.

jackieMD2007 said:

Seriously. Get right on that, right now. Tell him exactly what you want him to do. Show him how to do it. Do not be roundabout on this, as he might think you're just venting about doing the housework. Be direct. Start making some housework jobs his and some jobs yours. Be clear about what your standards are, but try to be realistic. Some of the things we do when we're cleaning don't really help, they probably just make us feel better. Your husband may not clean better than you but that is NOT the point, the point is that you shouldn't have to shoulder all of the housework. And, besides. If you're not so tired from work/housework/cooking, you'd have more energy for other things. I think you can explain to him clearly exactly what other things.

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i definitely agree. actually, i was stuck in a waiting room a few weeks ago and got stuck reading some lame parenting mag, and it said pretty much exactly what you stated and i had to agree. nagging does not work. telling him exactly what i want does. also, i know i need to let him do things his way.

sigh... but it would help if i weren't turning into my dad, the totally anal-retentive, crazy-tidy surgeon type. "Who put this huge, non-compacted box of cereal ON TOP of the trash so that I can't throw anything else away?" mind you, it's just him and me so obviously i know who did it. and then there's "is there a reason that this dirty shirt is on the living room couch and not in the hamper?" oh god. it's awful. i wanna kill my dad when he starts with that stuff but i keep catching myself saying the exact same things.

I second this "nagging" issue. Talk it out.

isobel said:

i am worried tho. i think we'll make it but don't think he quite understands how busy i will be. i expect the trouble to come from the fact that i currently do the cooking and almost all the cleaning. i won't have time for all that and i know he won't pick up the slack as much as i'd like and i get really bitchy when i feel like things around me aren't in order. hopefully knowing all this in advance, i can try to head it off.

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My husband is in residency and not going to be able to pick up the slack even if he wanted to. He is the "I don't need things as clean as you do, so why should I clean more" type. Sounds selfish but it makes some sense to me. Anyway, this issue can cause so much tension when in the big scheme of things is SO not worth it. So, when school starts, I will hire someone to the come clean the house every three weeks or so. I figure forty bucks a month is worth peace in the house. In between, each of us (meaning, I) can do what we think is necessary. We each take care of our own food now anyway (due to our very varied food preferences) and he likes to do the laundry so, that should make us about even.

I have seriously considered the $40/mn but I don't know if they are that cheap where I live. I might look into it because we can't do it. And just to have someone come in and clean the bathrooms and kitchen and vacuum the house might seem trival to some. Our house isn't that neat yeat to have someone come in. We live in a life of chaos being two students.

squareDR said:

My husband is in residency and not going to be able to pick up the slack even if he wanted to. He is the "I don't need things as clean as you do, so why should I clean more" type. Sounds selfish but it makes some sense to me. Anyway, this issue can cause so much tension when in the big scheme of things is SO not worth it. So, when school starts, I will hire someone to the come clean the house every three weeks or so. I figure forty bucks a month is worth peace in the house. In between, each of us (meaning, I) can do what we think is necessary. We each take care of our own food now anyway (due to our very varied food preferences) and he likes to do the laundry so, that should make us about even.

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We pretty much parrot you guys. I feel the same as your husband does, and I also feel like we're independent people and busy, so should just take care of our selves (in addition to our kids) for food etc. Unfortunately, to a certain extent he still wants me to take care of him.... i.e. He'll ask me what we're eating for supper, I'll tell him I don't know, I'm not hungry for x reason. And then at 9 he'll be mad cuz he still hasn't eaten yet. He's "weaning" though. The more I do, (as far as school/work is concerned) the more he does at home. We'll be fine, but its gonna be an adjustment I'm sure.

you can throw me into the "what relationship?" pile

mshheaddoc said:

I have seriously considered the $40/mn but I don't know if they are that cheap where I live. I might look into it because we can't do it. And just to have someone come in and clean the bathrooms and kitchen and vacuum the house might seem trival to some. Our house isn't that neat yeat to have someone come in. We live in a life of chaos being two students.

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I know about the judgments people make when you want help with such "trivial" things. It doesn't matter. I am going to hire a lady I met through word of mouth to whom forty/fifty bucks means a lot.

mshheaddoc said:

I have seriously considered the $40/mn but I don't know if they are that cheap where I live. I might look into it because we can't do it. And just to have someone come in and clean the bathrooms and kitchen and vacuum the house might seem trival to some. Our house isn't that neat yeat to have someone come in. We live in a life of chaos being two students.

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add two kids into the mix and you'll know what chaos feels like

noelleruckman said:

We pretty much parrot you guys. I feel the same as your husband does, and I also feel like we're independent people and busy, so should just take care of our selves (in addition to our kids) for food etc. Unfortunately, to a certain extent he still wants me to take care of him.... i.e. He'll ask me what we're eating for supper, I'll tell him I don't know, I'm not hungry for x reason. And then at 9 he'll be mad cuz he still hasn't eaten yet. He's "weaning" though. The more I do, (as far as school/work is concerned) the more he does at home. We'll be fine, but its gonna be an adjustment I'm sure.

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Yeah, I'd be careful on that front. If your husband feels loved or whatever because you put some food in front of him, (blame his mother), then maybe it might be worth doing. It is an interesting balance of needing your husband and him needing you and deciding what is important to the other person and cutting it to those things.

I just started a relationship even though I'm moving in a few weeks for med school. He's very well aware of this, and we're probably crazy for starting something off as long-distance, but you never know, he just might be worth it

jackieMD2007 said:

Yeah, I'd be careful on that front. If your husband feels loved or whatever because you put some food in front of him, (blame his mother), then maybe it might be worth doing. It is an interesting balance of needing your husband and him needing you and deciding what is important to the other person and cutting it to those things.

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yeah, i do understand, but I don't like to cook either, honestly, its amazing that we eat, cuz I avoid cooking and hubby's version of cooking uses only the microwave. We'll make it, just have to work something out. I'm basically waiting to see how the whole med school/study thing is going to work and then we'll make a schedule complete with whatever compromises are needed. I'm planning on being at school basically for 12 hours every week day and study one weekend day and then whenever I'm at home, try to completely put school out of my mind. I know I can't efficiently study at home (two kids) so hopefully this will work for me.
I think I'll have enough time to spend with kids and hubby, but am not sure how all of the cleaning/cooking is gonna get done. Its not that I'm not gonna have the time, if I'm not studying at home, the time is there, but its just that I am not going to want to cook and clean in my few spare hours. Oh well, we'll just figure it out.

.

noelleruckman said:

Yes, but understand that the tasks your husband does may be done to his level of cleanliness. You may have to let down your high standards of cleanliness while in school. If he does a job but doesn't do it to your standards - doesn't mean he's not trying, doesn't care, etc, just means he doesn't have as high of standards as you do. Trying to press your standards on him is just going to be a big headache for both. You'll end up frustrated with him and he'll feel like not trying because his efforts aren't rewarded.
I have trouble with this with my husband, cept its the other way around. He was in the military and expects everything to be spit shined, (figuratively) but I'm more of a slob. I clean, but get pretty irritated when I feel like I'm being "managed". We've been married for four years and have pretty much got it worked out that if he wants something done a specific way and to specific standards, he's gonna have to do it himself - i.e. he does all his laundry.

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noell: we meet again! my hubby is a total neat freak (architect. not military, but architects are pretty big neat niks themselves) and my sloppy-ness has nearly driven us to divorce! i'll just never be up to his standards. lately we've been compromising but i can see him forcing himself to not say anything. poor guy. We are going to definately have to hire some kind of cleaning help in med school or we're toast. The thing is, with two kids as young as ours, it's not like it's possible to really have a neat house.

everyone else: i don't think med school will be any harder on my marriage than pre-med has been. as for those of you who will be geographically separated, that's so hard. but people make it work. honestly, if you have a way to see each on the weekends, i don't think it would be that bad a situation. to everyone...