A Little Bit of Humor...

[Henna]

Since most of you are stressed out at this point I thought may be a thread such as this will help lighten up your mood
Keep adding to it..



The child was a typical four-year-old girl -- cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.
"Now do you understand?" he asked.
"I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"


The Smiths were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Smith made it clear he was in a big hurry.
"No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered, "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."
"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"
Mr. Smith turned to his wife Sue. "Show him, honey."

---

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[sadaf]

both jokes are excellent

 

[chouhan_0]

very funny

 

[Henna]

Originally posted by chouhan_0
very funny

Obviously you arent that stressed out .

 

[chouhan_0]

Obviously you arent that stressed out .

yea lucky for me I dont have to go thro

pjs

 

[Henna]

A man and a woman are driving down the same road at the same time.
As they pass each other the woman leans out the window, points and yells, ?PIG! ?

The man immediately leans out his window, shakes his fist and shouts back, ?WITCH!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he slams into a pig that had wandered into the middle of the road.

If only men would listen.

 

[SiMpLy IrReSiStAbLe]

 

[shilpi]

Phil visits his doctor after weeks of not feeling well." I have bad news'"says the doctor"You dont have long to live"
" How long i got" asks the distraught Phil.
"Ten",the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?Tenwhat?Months?Days?"
The doctor interrupts,"Nine...."

 

[Henna]

A couple has returned from their honeymoon and it was obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what's wrong.
"Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"

The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though: She gave me $20 change!''

 

[vishu]

 

[vishu]

I read an article the other day about New Year's Resolutions for 2003 and I thought, "Wait a minute. Slow down, folks. I'm still thinking of resolutions for 2002." I've been known to procrastinate, but this is ridiculous. Is it just me or did 2002 fly by? It seems like yesterday that Nicholas Cage and Lisa Marie Presley were introduced and now they're divorced. It's amazing how much can happen in 12 months.

Gazing into my crystal ball, I expect 2003 to be just eventful. Here's what I see:

---Tiger Woods competes in the 2003 Masters Golf Tournament, despite widespread protests of Augusta National Golf Club's all-male membership policy. But Woods expresses his disapproval by playing the entire tournament wearing a dress. "If you want to bring about major change," he says, "you have to take small steps. Next year I'm going to wear pumps."

---Actress Winona Ryder, recently convicted of shoplifting, completes 480 hours of community service, including 200 hours working in a homeless shelter, 180 hours picking up highway litter, and 100 hours handing out anti-drug pamphlets outside Whitney Houston's home.

---Pope John Paul II grants sainthood to Mother Teresa after she is credited with a second miracle. The miracle occurred on March 13, 1999 when a picture of Mother Teresa was placed on George Foreman's dining table and he decided not to eat seconds.

---Having decided not to run for president in 2004, Al Gore pursues a second career in Hollywood, noting that politics has already given him immeasurable experience in acting. Tom Hanks, co-producer of the blockbuster "My Big Fat Greek Wedding," immediately asks Gore to star in a related movie, tentatively called "My Big Fat Geek Wedding."

---President Bush's approval rating soars to 90% when he announces that Osama bin Laden has been captured and is being held in a secret location. When skeptics wonder if the actual terrorist is in custody or just a look-alike, Bush agrees to release pictures of bin Laden, soon after the 2004 election.

---The Democratic Party, disappointed in the initial crop of presidential candidates, offers an unprecedented incentive: Anyone willing to challenge Bush will be given a lifetime supply of antidepressants. Former vice president Walter Mondale offers to run again to help Democrats, but receives a terse note from party leadership: "You've helped enough already, thank you."

---Indo-Canadian author Rohinton Mistry, already miffed about being searched at U.S. airports during an aborted book tour, is further offended when the FBI removes his books from libraries because they allegedly carry secret messages. An FBI spokesman reveals the most incriminating piece of evidence: a turbaned man on the New York subway was spotted reading Mistry's latest novel upside down. Upon questioning, the man claimed through a translator that he was just "pretending to read fine literature to impress the ladies."

---The television industry continues to produce reality shows, including MTV's popular "Eminem Uncut," HBO's "Madonna Unguarded," and CBN'S "Jerry Falwell Unwatchable." Bill Clinton agrees to act in his own reality series on NBC, but plans are shelved when Clinton insists that the show be called, "Hillary 2008: The Road Back to the White House."

---Internet newsletters continue to multiply, with many celebrities launching specialty ezines. Among the most popular: Michael Jackson's "Cosmetic Surgery Tips," Sean Connery's "The Bald and the Beautiful," and Anna Nicole Smith's advice newsletter "Dear Flabby."


courtesy melvin

 

[SiMpLy IrReSiStAbLe]

A woman, calling Mount Sinai Hospital, said, "Hello, I want to know if a patient is getting better."

The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

She said, "Yes, darling! She's Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."

He said, "Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! That's fantastic! That's wonderful news!"

The man on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!"

She said, "I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Cohen, my doctor, doesn't tell me a word!"

 

[toothmail]

this is really cute and a real stress-buster guys! keep it going!!!

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

He was glowing with happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad you feel this way .....since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."

 

[fulldenture]

hey they are really good

 

[groundhog]

Perhaps the male trait of not wanting to ask for directions can sometimes be a good thing. Take for example that group of American GI's who got lost and then captured in the Iraqi desert. Do you suppose that one of the girls in that bunch popped up and said " guys are all alike when they get lost. Look over there I see some people who look like they are real familiar with this area. I'm not too stubborn to ask for help. I'll be right back."

 

[Henna]

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady's house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche.
"Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady's house.

"Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"

"My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money."

 

[Henna]

Originally posted by groundhog
Perhaps the male trait of not wanting to ask for directions can sometimes be a good thing.

I dont know abt that . I'd rather that my hubby asked for directions than go by " the gut feeling" which is almost always wrong.

 

[vishu]

A couple was having a discussion about family finances.

Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!"

The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."

 

[SiMpLy IrReSiStAbLe]

A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER "JESUS".

 

[shhh]

has anybody posting messages in this thread heard about a movie being advertised rather quietly here in nyc......the secret lives of dentists...i hope for your sakes the script writer hasnt had a lookee into this thread..sure wld be good fodder for thought and then again there isn't much in the way of story material is there ...coz we all know the real secret in the lives of dentists is that they have no lives!!!!!....and before everybody's shackles go up....jes kiddin'.
p.s. a long time ago a cosmo story about lifestyle changes started out with a description of a bored / boring person in need of one- it started of as....If you are a female dentist who loves gardening and guess who fits that image to a tee.......yup u know who!!!!! and with all the pains of applying to colleges i am wondering if the lifestyle change cld mean a complete shift in professions!!!!!
and btb the idea of a thread with no mention of colleges or admissions sounds like another excellent idea!!!!!!1

 

[Henna]

 

[Henna]

only in america...can a pizza get to your house faster than a ambulance.

only in america.. are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.


only in america...do we use answering machines to screen calls from family and friends and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

 

[Henna]

There's no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese?

If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

How you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?

Have you ever run into someone who was dis-combobulated, grunted, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it!


------The Humor Archives--------

 

[vishu]

good ones henna

 

[vishu]

>From: [email protected]
>Organization: The Lydia Awards
>Subject: free trip offer




Looking for a vacation trip?
Turn the kitchen oven up to about 450 or so and let it warm up.

Open the door, and stand in front of the heat.

Close your eyes tight so that you can't see anything

Welcome to New York.

= = = = = = =


>From: [email protected] (Pax Starksen)
>Subject: CPSC Warnings:




Because of the current power failures in Canada and the Northeast U.S., the Consumer Product Safety Commission issued a series of warnings and good advise on how to cope with the blackout: e.g.: Shut off your appliances, Run generators outside, Check your smoke detector batteries, etc.
And then they sent the message out on the internet.

 

[toothmail]

 

[Henna]

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.

The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."

The other cow replies, "I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."

 

[Henna]

Dog Property Rules

1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If its in my mouth, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.

6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.

7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.

8. If I saw it first, it's mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

10. If its broken, it's yours.

 

[ItsGavinC]

Henna, excellent thread! I'm passing most of these on to my fellow peeps who need to laugh more often!

 

[Henna]

Thnx

 

[Henna]

HIM:

Pull up to ATM
Insert card
Enter PIN number and account
Take cash, card and receipt
Go!



HER:

Pull up to ATM
Check makeup in rearview mirror
Shut off engine
Put keys in purse
Get out of car b/c you're too far from machine
Hunt for card in purse
Insert card
Enter PIN number
Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
Hit "cancel"
Re-enter correct PIN number
Study instructions
Make cash withdrawal
Get in car
Check makeup
Look for keys
Start car
Start pulling away
STOP
Back up to machine
Get out of car
Take card and receipt
Get back in car
Put card in wallet
Drive away from machine
Travel 3 miles
Release parking brake

 

[vishu]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer...











The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

Men keep'a scrollin'...











So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.

 

[Henna]

Good one !

 

[Meggs]

I got this from http://www.totallyofftherecord.com/

Oh, It's You Dr.


Totally off the record... We've all had the experience of not being recognized by our patients if we meet outside the office setting, but how's this for a resolution: We're in a crowded family restaurant, the most popular place in town, and I greet a young female patient there with her husband and three kids.

She looks at me puzzlingly for a moment or two and then blurts out, "Oh, Dr. Kent, I didn't recognize you with your clothes on."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1 lb. of Mofine


Totally off the record... My brother-in-law, just recently became a dentist and was issued his DEA number, which allowed him to get prescription pads.

A friend of his, also a new dentist, had the misfortune of losing one of his pads.

After reporting the pad missing, he received a call from a pharmacist, who believed he had found someone using the missing pad. When asked what had raised his suspicions, the pharmacist replied that someone had just tried to get a prescription filled for "Mofine, 1 pound".

 

[Meggs]

Actually about patients not recognizing us in our regular clothes,

while in dental school there was this day that I didn't had to go to clinic, so I wasn't wearing my typical white scrubs, tennis shoes, no makeup, etc. I was wearing "regular clothes", jeans, heels, makeup, etc. And this patient of mine saw me and she said out loud,
"Oh, today you're dress as a civilian!!!! ".

 

[vishu]

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most... "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:

Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said. . .
"Nah... let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down!"