Accepted to medical school and I am having cold feet

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immabeadoctor

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My journey to medical school has been a long one. I am an international student and this is the third time I applied and finally got in. I am having so many second thoughts and I am worried about so many things. I am a 32 year old single female. I never thought I would question medicine, but I have been lately. I am worried that I will not have the chance to have a family if I attend medical school. I know this is something I have to sort out on my own, but I was wondering if anyone can give me any advice!

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It will be easier to meet a partner if you are not in medical school due to how busy you are in med school.

Meeting a partner in medical school is not impossible. Several of my classmates got married and had kids in med school.

The unknown is unnerving, but that's life sometimes.

You are being presented with an opportunity that you have worked for...an opportunity that many would die for.

You have to ask yourself "If I fast forward to 2030 and I still don't have a family, but I didn't go to med school, will I regret turning down the acceptance?"

Also ask yourself "If I turn down the acceptance and get a family will I wonder if I could have still done that and went to med school both?"

"If I go to medical school and don't end up having a family, will I regret it more than not going to medical school?"


In my opinion, you are putting a more definite thing (med school acceptance, assuming you finish out and become a physician) versus a less sure thing either way (meeting a great partner and forming a good stable family). However, I'm a guy, so my overall feelings may be different on the matter.
 
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This is maybe a little personal for SDN, but I'll say it anyway, woman to woman. I'm 43, a resident, and I don't regret not having had children. I had several chances along the way to have them, but I reflected and decided not to each time. But I DO regret not freezing eggs and/or embryos. It would be nice to have had the "right" to reproduce a little while longer, if you know what I mean. By "right" I mean option. So I would seriously look into that NOW, before your eggs get too old and crusty. Congratulations on your acceptance!!!!!
 
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This is maybe a little personal for SDN, but I'll say it anyway, woman to woman. I'm 43, a resident, and I don't regret not having had children. I had several chances along the way to have them, but I reflected and decided not to each time. But I DO regret not freezing eggs and/or embryos. It would be nice to have had the "right" to reproduce a little while longer, if you know what I mean. By "right" I mean option. So I would seriously look into that NOW, before your eggs get too old and crusty. Congratulations on your acceptance!!!!!
Please don't give out unsolicited medical advice to people and then say "I wish I did this." You do you.

Nobody's life is going to parallel your life to the point that you can advice them on having children.

Egg freezing is expensive, painful, and it's not for every woman. Discuss those things first before saying "go do this"
 
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It will be easier to meet a partner if you are not in medical school due to how busy you are in med school.

Meeting a partner in medical school is not impossible. Several of my classmates got married and had kids in med school.

The unknown is unnerving, but that's life sometimes.

You are being presented with an opportunity that you have worked for...an opportunity that many would die for.

You have to ask yourself "If I fast forward to 2030 and I still don't have a family, but I didn't go to med school, will I regret turning down the acceptance?"

Also ask yourself "If I turn down the acceptance and get a family will I wonder if I could have still done that and went to med school both?"

"If I go to medical school and don't end up having a family, will I regret it more than not going to medical school?"


In my opinion, you are putting a more definite thing (med school acceptance, assuming you finish out and become a physician) versus a less sure thing either way (meeting a great partner and forming a good stable family). However, I'm a guy, so my overall feelings may be different on the matter.
Thank you for your feedback!
 
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This is maybe a little personal for SDN, but I'll say it anyway, woman to woman. I'm 43, a resident, and I don't regret not having had children. I had several chances along the way to have them, but I reflected and decided not to each time. But I DO regret not freezing eggs and/or embryos. It would be nice to have had the "right" to reproduce a little while longer, if you know what I mean. By "right" I mean option. So I would seriously look into that NOW, before your eggs get too old and crusty. Congratulations on your acceptance!!!!!
Thank you for sharing this with me!
 
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Not meant as literal medical advice. Geez! Just sharing some of my own experience. I told her to look into it, if you read my post.
 
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My journey to medical school has been a long one. I am an international student and this is the third time I applied and finally got in. I am having so many second thoughts and I am worried about so many things. I am a 32 year old single female. I never thought I would question medicine, but I have been lately. I am worried that I will not have the chance to have a family if I attend medical school. I know this is something I have to sort out on my own, but I was wondering if anyone can give me any advice!
Plenty of folks find partners during medical school and residency. Plenty of folks wait until afterwards. At some level having a partner who is familiar with the training pipeline and the sacrifices it entails can be quite important for relationship longevity. Some level of second guessing is completely normal - you’re about to embark on a 7+ year expensive training program. Despite the rigors of that training it is not without joy. To be sure you will be able to pick and choose what things you want to prioritize while a student- within reason. Only you can decide if it is worth it for you.
 
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Not meant as literal medical advice. Geez! Just sharing some of my own experience. I told her to look into it, if you read my post.
I know. And I was saying keep that to yourself. I'm sure if some woman wants to freeze their eggs, they won't need you to nudge them.
 
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I'm also a non-traditional student. I'm 34, and I start medical school in the fall. This was my fifth application cycle. The one partner that I might have had children with wanted children more than he wanted a relationship with me, so it didn't work out. I would still like to have children, but I also feel like starting medical school is going to mean I won't be able to have a family. Am I grieving that? A little, but the opportunity to become a physician is more important to me than the chance that I would meet someone if I gave up my acceptance. I looked into freezing my eggs, and I decided it wasn't for me given the expense and chances of success.

I would be thrilled at the prospect of finding the right partner and having a family, but given social expectations, I actually worry that if I found someone during medical school my career would be expected to be on the back burner to my partner's. I know that I'm making the right decision for myself, but I can't tell you whether your choice is the right one for you.
 
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I know. And I was saying keep that to yourself. I'm sure if some woman wants to freeze their eggs, they won't need you to nudge them.
Do you really think it's appropriate for you to be the arbiter of what one woman should say to another in a post in which the OP directly mentioned family planning and age?
 
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Do you really think it's appropriate for you to be the arbiter of what one woman should say to another in a post in which the OP directly mentioned family planning and age?
Family planning is not an appropriate subject to discuss on an anonymous forum when nobody here is a verified and qualified medical professional.

Stick to the book stuff.
 
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Family planning is not an appropriate subject to discuss on an anonymous forum when nobody here is a verified and qualified medical professional.

Stick to the book stuff.
That's not medical advice. Another woman told her to look into the process as an option to extend her fertility. Nobody discussed procedures, risks and benefits, costs, or medications. Just because a doctor mentions a medical option doesn't mean it's professional medical advice.
 
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That's not medical advice. Another woman told her to look into the process as an option to extend her fertility. Nobody discussed procedures, risks and benefits, costs, or medications. Just because a doctor mentions a medical option doesn't mean it's professional medical advice.
If you don't like what I said, go look at another thread. Very simple.
 
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If you don't like what I said, go look at another thread. Very simple.
I'd rather spend my time pointing out that your statements are incorrect and patriarchal so OP and others don't think that they can't ask these kinds of questions in the future.
 
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Can we stay on topic and not get distracted with the flame War? It's not helping the o p.
Thank you! @Goro I believe that I am not the only one that has not thought about these issues and I appreciate everyone's feedback on the topic.
 
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Hi, Immabe.

I am in vicinity of your age, with lots of friends having kids (or who had kids in their 20's), so I understand the feeling that "now's the time" or "if not now, when?", or "omg it's almost too late". I'm also in the same boat of being an older non-trad who has had plenty of doubts about whether or not it's a completely ludicrous idea to give up my career to go into debt to become a doctor. So let's break this down into the two issues:

1) Doubts re: medicine - Can't help you. You're on your own to figure out if it's just the kids thing or if there is more at play. You can quit at any time, but it's obviously better if you can figure out if you've been honest with yourself about your motivations and whether or not you really want to go down this path. Everyone has doubts though, so don't let the mere presence of doubt freak you out too much. Just be sure to examine where that doubt is coming from.

2) Kids - Fortunately, you still have plenty of time. Even after 35, plenty of women have healthy pregnancies. And honestly, pregnancy/having kids is going to borderline suck (or at least be moderately inconvenient) at any time in your life. It's not any easier when you're working. Med school is considered by some to be a great time to have kids because there can be some flexibility with watching recorded lectures, etc. Would you rather pass up medical school, get a job in some other field, and try to have kids when you're working full time and have no guaranteed paid maternity leave (assuming you're in the US)?

Personally, if it came down to an ultimatum, I'd vote for pursuing career over children, because there are more avenues for having a family then there are for having a career in medicine. Assuming you don't have any fertility issues, it's pretty much as easy as "have unprotected sex for a few months" and voila. If you struggle with fertility, there are options for IVF and adoption. Not that those are in any way easy, but neither is childbirth (so I hear, anyway). Still, just about anyone can do them. So if you are dead set on sharing your home with immature humans, you can absolutely find a way, with or without a partner, at just about any time in your life. However, if your heart is also really set on being a doctor, there's only one way to do that, and that's to go to medical school.

Lots of people do both and report having very fulfilling lives. Lots of people do neither and also seem to be having a great time. Lots of people really struggle with both kids and career (separately or together). Obviously it's going to come down to your preferences and values, but just know that you still have time and options (for both your career, and your family planning).
 
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My journey to medical school has been a long one. I am an international student and this is the third time I applied and finally got in. I am having so many second thoughts and I am worried about so many things. I am a 32 year old single female. I never thought I would question medicine, but I have been lately. I am worried that I will not have the chance to have a family if I attend medical school. I know this is something I have to sort out on my own, but I was wondering if anyone can give me any advice!
If you want kids I'd say start chipping away at that goal right now, just like you did years ago when you decided on getting in to medical school. Create as many opportunities for yourself as possible to find a good partner. If you haven't been successful in a long term relationship before, figure out why that is. If you have had a long term relationship, what went wrong? There's a ton of men out there that just want to be dads and have their smart, highly motivated wife bring home the bacon. You can certainly have your cake and eat it too, plenty of doctor moms do. But relationships are work and I've found the investments you make in yourself can pay dividends for years and years to come.
 
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This is maybe a little personal for SDN, but I'll say it anyway, woman to woman. I'm 43, a resident, and I don't regret not having had children. I had several chances along the way to have them, but I reflected and decided not to each time. But I DO regret not freezing eggs and/or embryos. It would be nice to have had the "right" to reproduce a little while longer, if you know what I mean. By "right" I mean option. So I would seriously look into that NOW, before your eggs get too old and crusty. Congratulations on your acceptance!!!!!
This is solid advice. I'm still an M1 but my wife and I are 35 with my wife being a second year surgical resident. They had a fertility doc give a zoom session recently for the residents/program because not surprisngly, not everyone thinks about freezing when they are super busy in residency.
 
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My journey to medical school has been a long one. I am an international student and this is the third time I applied and finally got in. I am having so many second thoughts and I am worried about so many things. I am a 32 year old single female. I never thought I would question medicine, but I have been lately. I am worried that I will not have the chance to have a family if I attend medical school. I know this is something I have to sort out on my own, but I was wondering if anyone can give me any advice!
I have been able to find balance in med school and this is something I was originally very worried about. You will learn to adjust, there are many people in my class pregnant/have multiple children and are doing excellent! Attend!
 
I always like the advice, "play the tape through," which a lot of people on here have said about going to med school. Well, play the tape through on NOT going, too. You end up busy anyway with some menial job or a career you like less, generally irritable, less financially stable, and basically are back to square one: How do I find time to date and/or start a family? So might as well face that challenge doing something you love that you worked hard for. Plus, if you truly are interested in the marriage/kids route, a wise partner will see the investment you are making in that plan and be willing to go through the challenge with you (whereas if you don't have a plan in place, prospective partners who want families may be hesitant to start that journey with you). Just some fodder for thought. Whatever you decide, it'll be the right choice for you. Good luck!
 
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My journey to medical school has been a long one. I am an international student and this is the third time I applied and finally got in. I am having so many second thoughts and I am worried about so many things. I am a 32 year old single female. I never thought I would question medicine, but I have been lately. I am worried that I will not have the chance to have a family if I attend medical school. I know this is something I have to sort out on my own, but I was wondering if anyone can give me any advice!

Life is full of choices. Ideology loses 100% of its arguments with biology, whether that argument takes the form of trying to wear a chastity ring and remain a virgin well into your 20s, or pursuing graduate degrees and careers and having kids in your late 30s or beyond.

Medical school is demanding enough that I can't imagine being pregnant and having a baby during that 4 year time frame. You could probably do it in residency.

Oh, and spend some...actually a lot of time reading the specialty forums to understand what being an attending physician is really like in 2021.
 
I'm in a similar boat with the cold feet, or was. Also 32, nontraditional, paramedic for a long time. The thought of picking up my life and moving halfway across the country to live off student loans for a few years is terrifying, and really made me question my decision to take the acceptance; but when it comes down to it, I really want to be a physician. There are sacrifices to make, sure, but I think it's worth it in the end. As far as a family goes, I'm pretty undecided there for myself, but I believe you can make a family work in medical school if that's something you really want. You only live once. Do all the things that will make you happy; and honestly, you're not alone with the right partner. You never know who you're going to meet, but hopefully whoever you do meet only makes you stronger. That may include helping with childcare so you can study when you have to. Don't rush it. The best relationships come when you stop looking. Go do what makes you happy and let the rest fall into place. Just my opinion...
 
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