This is hard for me to talk about, but I am in my third year of a surgical residency. I am feeling incompetent and surgically unskilled compared to my peers. I have never been in trouble or written up, never missed a major diagnosis, get along quite well with all my coresidents, and I do my best to be conscientious and honest and cautious at all times. But I still have doubts about my abilities and they are growing by the day. I sought feedback from a few attendings, and they all said that I am a bit behind compared to my coresidents, but that they are not worried about me because I have insight into the fact that I am deficient in some areas, and that they feel I will eventually turn into a good chief. They also said it is not a question of me being hardworking, and that I have a very strong work ethic. While comforting, it has done little to alleviate my doubts and worries - as I want to get better ASAP, both to provide the highest quality of patient care, to alleviate my own stress level, and so that I am well respected around residency. Eventually, my goal is to end up the kind of surgeon I would take my parents to. I feel like my coresidents are gradually getting there and I am not. And to be brutally honest, sometimes I even feel dumber than the second years.
There are lots of stories on the internet about people going through this intern year. But I was wondering if
a) anyone has gone through this so late in residency, and if they were able to develop their confidence and skills by the time chief year rolled around. If it is too late in the game, I feel like I have some tough decisions to make. My motivation is definitely present to work even harder than I have been - but I want to know if it is even possible by hearing about people who have successfully developed their confidence later in residency.
b) was wondering how people not only developed their confidence, but also let it show outwardly so others (including attendings and chiefs) had confidence in them as well. Is there a point where the damage to one's reputation in residency is so far gone that it's hard to redeem?
My doubts about my abilities are coming from four main places:
1. Other co-residents seem to have the confidence to take a basic surgical case now skin to skin. I do with some cases, but not nearly with the number of cases my coresidents do. I definitely feel better when a chief is around. At this point, I feel like I should gradually be transitioning to independence, as opposed to always looking to chiefs for guidance. I have a very good relationship with my chiefs, but they have said (not to my face, but I heard from others) I am not great in the OR and that I appear lost sometimes. I do not at all blame them for saying this; I just want to use it to get better.
I usually spend at least an hour or two a night reading for cases the next day. One thing I have noticed is that when I do get an answer wrong or reach for the wrong tool in surgery, I get flustered a little thinking the attending thinks I'm stupid, and that makes me even more flustered. It's like a vicious cycle and I really want to beat it. In half jest, sometimes I feel like a beta blocker before surgery might be a good policy for me in addition to the patient.
2. At grand rounds I seem to be wrong when I get pimped a lot more often than my coresidents. Or, I may have the right answer but it is not at the tip of my tongue. When the correct answer is said, 80 percent of the time I do understand it and feel stupid for not being able to articulate it myself. But this concerns me for when it comes time for boards.
3. I have asked for feedback from attendings. They have said that I am behind compared to my coresidents, but that they don't have doubts about me. Their words to
me are that I am conscientious and have the insight to know that I have some deficiencies, so they don't worry about me and that they are confident I will get there by the end of residency. That is comforting, but I guess I worry about myself. I worry about being a chief and not knowing what to do. Even now, sometimes I am very tentative when I have to teach a med student. Teaching is an enormous responsibility, and I want to do it right.
4. My inservice scores have been awful no matter how much I study. I am usually able to narrow to two options, but inevitably end up choosing the wrong option. This also makes me concerned about boards.
Thank you in advance for your
time and feedback. It is genuinely appreciated, even the brutally honest feedback.
There are lots of stories on the internet about people going through this intern year. But I was wondering if
a) anyone has gone through this so late in residency, and if they were able to develop their confidence and skills by the time chief year rolled around. If it is too late in the game, I feel like I have some tough decisions to make. My motivation is definitely present to work even harder than I have been - but I want to know if it is even possible by hearing about people who have successfully developed their confidence later in residency.
b) was wondering how people not only developed their confidence, but also let it show outwardly so others (including attendings and chiefs) had confidence in them as well. Is there a point where the damage to one's reputation in residency is so far gone that it's hard to redeem?
My doubts about my abilities are coming from four main places:
1. Other co-residents seem to have the confidence to take a basic surgical case now skin to skin. I do with some cases, but not nearly with the number of cases my coresidents do. I definitely feel better when a chief is around. At this point, I feel like I should gradually be transitioning to independence, as opposed to always looking to chiefs for guidance. I have a very good relationship with my chiefs, but they have said (not to my face, but I heard from others) I am not great in the OR and that I appear lost sometimes. I do not at all blame them for saying this; I just want to use it to get better.
I usually spend at least an hour or two a night reading for cases the next day. One thing I have noticed is that when I do get an answer wrong or reach for the wrong tool in surgery, I get flustered a little thinking the attending thinks I'm stupid, and that makes me even more flustered. It's like a vicious cycle and I really want to beat it. In half jest, sometimes I feel like a beta blocker before surgery might be a good policy for me in addition to the patient.
2. At grand rounds I seem to be wrong when I get pimped a lot more often than my coresidents. Or, I may have the right answer but it is not at the tip of my tongue. When the correct answer is said, 80 percent of the time I do understand it and feel stupid for not being able to articulate it myself. But this concerns me for when it comes time for boards.
3. I have asked for feedback from attendings. They have said that I am behind compared to my coresidents, but that they don't have doubts about me. Their words to
me are that I am conscientious and have the insight to know that I have some deficiencies, so they don't worry about me and that they are confident I will get there by the end of residency. That is comforting, but I guess I worry about myself. I worry about being a chief and not knowing what to do. Even now, sometimes I am very tentative when I have to teach a med student. Teaching is an enormous responsibility, and I want to do it right.
4. My inservice scores have been awful no matter how much I study. I am usually able to narrow to two options, but inevitably end up choosing the wrong option. This also makes me concerned about boards.
Thank you in advance for your
time and feedback. It is genuinely appreciated, even the brutally honest feedback.