Any spouses/ sig o's renvious of spouse's medical career?

[Bride2Be]

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Hello,

I am getting married in a couple of months, and I just want to vent about something that I have never really talked to anyone about--not even my friends. That is the concept of being envious of your spouse's medical career, b/c you really want to be in that place yourself. I am a post-bacc student, 29, who has worked really hard to get good stats to apply, and I always feel so inferior next to my fiance, who is Dr. surgery residency, best in his class, always on top of things. I feel like next to him I am nothing, always in the shadow of his medical presence. I am trying to get into med school myself, I have pretty good stats (post-bacc ave. 3.6). But I have a major inferiority complex about what he does for a living. We rarely talk about what he does during the day b/c he knows it upsets me.

What should I do? I love him so much and want to marry him, but I don't want to feel like this forever. I'm always seen as "Dr. surgery residency's wife," never really on my own merits. It really bothers me.

Any advice?

 

[CoffeeMug]

C'est La Vie...

 

[Iamajew]

I think that you'd better talk to your fiance about all this and work through it before you get married. You're in it for the long haul and if this bothers you enough to post anonymously on SDN, it's probably worth talking face to face to him about.
You say you're seen as "Dr. surgery residency's wife", but who really cares what everyone else thinks? Why do you feel inferior to your fiance if he doesn't see you in that light?

I'm engaged to a great girl - she's isn't interested at all in medicine...we each have our separate careers and interests and encourage each other's personal successes. She didn't graduate from college i'm at yale and applying to medical schools...there's no inferiority/superiority with us because we don't see career and school and status as what defines us. That's love.

 

[neurona]

Hello! Congratulations on getting married soon! It must be a really exciting event for you. I?ve always wanted to be engaged myself, but a) no one?s ever proposed, and b) it may be because I?m too young (22).

Anyway, you may not have ever told anyone what you feel because you?re afraid of being judged. However, even though I don?t know you, I totally understand you?and in your words, I could sense the resentment and pain you feel toward the situation (and toward your finacee).

So? with the little life experience that I have, here is my advice: 1) Have you always felt overshadowed (even before you met your fianc?e), or did it come about after meeting him? If it is the former, then you may need to deal with that issue as it poses a threat to the harmony between you and your loved one. 2) If it is the latter, then ask yourself why SPECIFICALLY you feel envious of him. Is it because you had to do a postbac and he didn?t? Is it because you seriously feel he is smarter than you? Is it because you feel friends and family praise him more? 3) Speak openly about this to your fianc?e. If he loves you, he will try to help you. I mean, maybe he can be more encouraging of your postbac? or maybe he can work on praising you for your achievements more.

Deep inside of you, though, you have to:
a) Know your strengths ? I mean, c?mon, you have to admit that surgery residents probably don?t have much of a life outside of the hospital (or med students for that matter; and no I don?t mean this in an insulting way! Med school is demanding!) ?but think of all the life experiences you have gained while he has sat behind the books for years. Those trips you took, as well as the friends you made, and the food you learned to cook COUNT. They make you a WHOLE person and they will make you a GREAT DOCTOR. I am not a med student (as you may guess), but I do know that the BEST doctors are the ones who can relate to their patients?not necessarily the ones with an ?MD, MPH, PHD, MBA? behind their names? NOR the ones who can recite the entire pharmacopoeia in their sleep. You?re strong girl! Keep your head up high! Define yourself and you shall see that you are special and valuable and that your identity is too large to be overshadowed by a ?surgery resident.?
b) Recognize his strengths, and be thankful that he has them. Again, this is a way of loving yourself. You wouldn?t want to marry a loser, right? Be supportive of what he does?and try, even a little to start, to talk about what he does during day. You are going to be married!!! Which means that you should work on your friendship! He works hard like you and probably wants to feel supported.

THE OTHER THING YOU WANT TO WATCH OUT FOR: Men like things to run smoothly. They run at the sight of clinginess or tears. They also pretty much run (at least temporarily) when they sense any negativity on your part, or jealousy. As well, they tend to take the path of least resistance in the realm of love and interpersonal relationships. SO? if there is an available woman who has no qualms and no issues and is just ?cool and easy going? such as a nurse in his unit, then there is a likelihood (or even a slight possibility) that he will befriend her and confide in her? you wouldn?t want to feel emotionally cheated would you? Be there for you man, and treat him like king, but make sure he knows who the QUEEN is. Keep it tight and light. AND learn to ask for what you want in a positive way because men react better to rewards than to negative reinforcement. Reward him when he tells you you?ll get into a great med school. BUT don?t get him to praise you simply to make you stop feeling jealous. See the difference? (I was a psych major, can you tell?)

AND REMEMBER: We all have our periods of insecurity and sometimes they stem from our own fears, while other times they stem from others making us feel crappy on purpose. Make sure he?s not doing it on purpose (making you feel envious). An also remember that other people are in your shoes and that other people are trying to make relationships work with med students. Take me for instance, I treat my med student like a king and he treats me like a princess, but even sometimes I feel insecure (I won?t see him until Sunday, and last time we saw each other was Wednesday)? and sometimes I feel like he thinks what I do is cake (I do research and am starting an MPH program in Sept)?but I keep at it and try to make it work cause I love him to pieces.

Give it your all girl?be good, be kind to yourself and to others, don?t let envy fill your heart? and when you live your life in a giving, peaceful way, you?ll be rewarded. Who knows? maybe in 10 years, you?ll look back and laugh. Also? think of people like me who have dreams of engagements? you got yours! I?d like to hear about it! 😉

Thanks for letting me see a slice of your life, stranger!

D.

 

[Iamajew]

This is ridiculous. You can't have an inferiority complex with your future spouse. You just can't. Marriage is more than that.

 

[MedWife]

Bride to Be,

First of all, congratulations on your engagement.

#1 -It is 100% CRUCIAL in a marriage to be able to address any issue at any time. This is regardless of whether it makes the other person uncomfortable, whether one person will inevitably cry, or whether it will be a downright unpleasant conversation to have. Marriage is wonderful, but it brings with it many, many hurdles which need to be tackled head-on. If you're truly afraid of 'rocking the boat', then, and I apologize if this comes across as harsh, but, I believe you need to ask yourself whether or not you are in the right boat.

#2 -In terms of being "Dr. Surgery Residency's Wife", I agree with IamAJew, in that who cares what people think? Stupid people will say stupid things - you shouldn't connect it to your marriage. It's just people on the outside saying something to hear themselves talk. However, in terms of being known as "Mr. (insert your fiance's name here)'s wife," that is something that you should be proud of, and should make you hold your head up high. I am very fortunate to be married to a wonderful, wonderful guy, and getting introduced as his wife in social situations is always nice.

However, that's not to say your feelings aren't justified. You first have to ask yourself, though, if it is really the other people who are making you feel this way, or if it is in fact your fiance (sometimes we blame others for problems we don't want to admit exist in our own relationships). If it is, in fact, something purely from the outside, I suggest you find something outside of and unrelated to medicine that interests you (volunteering, prayer, knitting, etc.), and that will help you feel fulfilled. If, however, it is in fact your fiance who is making you feel this way, I believe you may have some thinking to do.

At the end of the day, you are not your career. You come home to each other, and leave your respective 'stethoscopes' at the front door. In your marriage you are equals, and should always feel that way, regardless of who has a higher job title, or who is making more money at the time. If this is something you are not feeling from your fiance, it must be addressed, and the time to do it is now.

I wish you all the best.

 

[MRAM]

Hi Bride--congratulations!

I think it is natural that you feel this way. You are just getting started on your path to following your dream while your fiancee is about to achieve his. I think in time as you travel down the road and start to realize many of your own dreams some of these feelings will diminish. Just think of the Olympic Gold medalists---I'm sure if we found someone who is training for the 2008 Olympics and put them up against the gold medalists they might have some of the same feelings---do you get my point?

Instead of seeing the cup half empty you should think of all of the great tutoring help you could get, or the fact that once you are in med school exhausted and stressed you will be able to turn to a spouse who will understand. I think it is very sad that you say your fiancee can't discuss his job because it upsets you. You love him, but who he is upsets you? Think about how that is going to play out day to day in a marriage.

Also, I think insecurities come from within. Maybe you could find a counselor to explore these feelings---I bet if you explored them they would have less to do with your fiancee and more to do with your feelings about yourself.

I really wish you the best! Good luck.

 

[MJTig]

I am not trying to get into med school or anything, so my situation is a bit different. But, my bf is a 3rd year dental student who, when he graduates, will joing his family practice and eventually be partner, then take it over.

Recently I graduated with a Master's in Social Work and am trying to find a job. That is where I get jealous. I feel like a loser sometimes trying to find something and jealous that once he finishes, my bf will slide right into a job.

Well, I have to tell myself that he is lucky to have that setup waiting and I am fortunate too because he will always have job security! LOL. Its just how the economy works and I will find something.