Anyone else have an unsupportive family?

This forum made possible through the generous support of SDN members, donors, and sponsors. Thank you.

Jaider

Senior Member
10+ Year Member
5+ Year Member
15+ Year Member
Joined
Oct 2, 2005
Messages
271
Reaction score
0
Points
0
My mother just told me that I shouldn't have children, since I'm not willing to give up my medical career to stay home with my children 24/7.

I should give up children?

I should give up everything I've ever worked for in terms of career?

I should give up my happiness?

I should give up trying to make a difference in the world (as opposed to raising children and hoping that at least of one them will eventually make a difference)?

I should resort to the dark ages concept that men have careers, women have children?

Man, sometimes I really really hate this community. There are far too few female mentors here and far too many people who think like my mother.
 
These are questions you are going to have answer for yourself.

Remember, you can't have your cake and eat it too. However, I guess you could marry a male nurse or a guy that wants to stay at home and you could be his sugar momma 😀
 
Don't worry, just hang in there. When you get to med school you'll be in good company, at most schools female students make up around half of the school. True, the older generations of doctors are predominantly male, but the medical landscape is quickly changing due to current acceptance practices. By the time the class of 2010 retires, medicine will have become a very gender-equal profession. If ~8,000 (assuming around half of the 16,000 applicants who will be accepted are female) other female med students can make it through life balancing a career and family, so can you. And there are plenty of men (in med school and elsewhere) who grew up in the current generation, who are willing to support their wives' careers and are dedicated to sharing the load of raising a family equally. I'm one of them! 😉
 
Jaider said:
My mother just told me that I shouldn't have children, since I'm not willing to give up my medical career to stay home with my children 24/7.

I should give up children?

I should give up everything I've ever worked for in terms of career?

I should give up my happiness?

I should give up trying to make a difference in the world (as opposed to raising children and hoping that at least of one them will eventually make a difference)?

I should resort to the dark ages concept that men have careers, women have children?

Man, sometimes I really really hate this community. There are far too few female mentors here and far too many people who think like my mother.

My sister is a doctor....she's 35, got married 1.5 years ago and has a 6 month old kid. Its possible....its definitely possible. Although your family may not be supportive there are others who support your career choice and will totally back you up on it. Good luck
 
nimotsu said:
I guess you could marry a male nurse or a guy that wants to stay at home and you could be his sugar momma 😀

HA HA, yes that is certainly yet another option! You see? Many different ways! If I weren't going into medicine myself, I wouldn't have minded a beautiful sugar momma. 😛
 
Jaider said:
My mother just told me that I shouldn't have children, since I'm not willing to give up my medical career to stay home with my children 24/7.

I should give up children?

I should give up everything I've ever worked for in terms of career?

I should give up my happiness?

I should give up trying to make a difference in the world (as opposed to raising children and hoping that at least of one them will eventually make a difference)?

I should resort to the dark ages concept that men have careers, women have children?

Man, sometimes I really really hate this community. There are far too few female mentors here and far too many people who think like my mother.
Jaider, I'll be your sugar daddy 😉 .
No really, keep your chin up. You KNOW I know your situation/community. Don't sweat it. Things will work out as they should. 👍
 
I'd only be worried about biological clock ticking but neither that or your mother should discourage you from choosing what you want to do in your life. I actually give more props to women who are determined to become doctors because they prolly go through more crap than men do.
 
When my half-sisters found out that I waned to be a doctor, they immediately assigned me as a future member of theh Old Maids club. But they are b**^es though so I don't care much. My parents support me 100% though which is nice. I hate negativism and try not to surround myself with negative people. I believe that it is my life and my decision and although medicine with all of its sacrifices might not have worked for them, it will work for me. I also think that a lot of people actually would love to be doctors but do not have enough of a drive to accomplish that and are simply jealous of us for being ambitious and for our future prospects. All of us SDNers are amazing for going through this crapshoot process and for willing to study a lot, sacrifice personal life a lot of times for the sake of medicine.
Btw, my friends who are residents told me that those who were critical and negative of them when they were premeds are totally jealous of them now that they are docs.
 
shinenjk said:
I actually give more props to women who are determined to become doctors because they prolly go through more crap than men do.
I can see your point, but picture my situation (probably similar to others too)
I'll be 30 in May. Married for almost 7 years with one child. Both my wife and I worked our butts off to get our degrees (B.S./some M.S.), have lived in an apartment our whole married life, now live w/ the in-laws to pay off debt and get ready for med school. And I go to my wife/in-laws/family and announce that I'm going to medical school. "Oh it's nothing really...we'll only be in debt $200,000+ dollars, while living in some remote part of the country (away from family), live in an apartment for at least 10 more years, be dirt poor for at least 4 years (eatin mac and cheese if were lucky) and when I finally graduate and finish residency, I'll ONLY be freakin 40+, then I will finally be able to see my wife and children again."
It went over well. :laugh:

Sometimes it's just hard to follow your dreams, but you need to just tell everyone to shut the hell up and do it. Even though I'm sure many in my family wants me to just settle down and provide...I will, 10 years from now :meanie:
 
To the OP:

Yes, my family is less-than-supportive. If it was up to them, i would have never went to undergrad, much less med school. And I'm not going to lie, that first year in undergrad when I was 2,000 miles away from the only place I had ever called home, working a lot to pay tuition and living expenses and constantly worried that my mom was going to be right and I was not smart enough to go to college...it was hard. I am SO glad I didn't listen though! She has gotten better, but is still generally pessimistic.

How do I plan on combining family and career? Well, luckily I married a man that is 100% supportive of me and my goals, and he is also WANTING to raise the children. If you are a women with any serious professional career, not just medicine, you are going to struggle with balancing family and work. Actually, med schools and residency programs are often more flexible than some jobs in giving time-off for maternity leave (not paid). It's going to be hard at times...people think I'm crazy for thinking about having a child (or children) in med school, but bottom line is you make it work. IF it is something you are passionate about.
 
Damn jbone, I understand your situation too, and I actually forgot to mention that I also have high respect for untraditional applicants like yourself (& labslave, etc) because of all those additional things that you have to go through. 👍 My personal concern is that I'm not a US-citizen/resident so there's no way for me to obtain financial aid. I'll be down $200K also but I guess some people have more problems to deal with than just money - I should tell myself to shut up and stop complaining.
 
shinenjk said:
Damn jbone, I understand your situation too, and I actually forgot to mention that I also have high respect for untraditional applicants like yourself (& labslave, etc) because of all those additional things that you have to go through. 👍 My personal concern is that I'm not a US-citizen/resident so there's no way for me to obtain financial aid. I'll be down $200K also but I guess some people have more problems to deal with than just money - I should tell myself to shut up and stop complaining.
It's all good! The whole process just sucks for everybody. Oh well. Isn't life wonderful? 😀
 
I can definately relate w/you jbone. I'll be 30 when I start med school 😕 :luck: . I hope 😱 . My fiance's parents already had issues w/me b/c I had 2 kids, but hello, so does he. Anyways, when they found out that I wounldnt be working and he would be supporting me and my children, oh say, for the next six years and for the last 2 the were enerything but pleased. Nor have they asked me one question about med school or what kind of doc I want to be.


To Jaider, try mommd.com. That forum is just like studentdoc but w/all moms and women. They have provided me extensive advice about family life and med school. Check it out it's a great site.
 
nimotsu said:
These are questions you are going to have answer for yourself.

Remember, you can't have your cake and eat it too. However, I guess you could marry a male nurse or a guy that wants to stay at home and you could be his sugar momma 😀

I suspect your comment was made with tongue in cheek, and I appreciate the humor. But to be serious, things don't have to be so black and white. I don't have to choose Children vs. Career just because I'm female. If I can't find an enlightened male who agrees, then I won't get married and have a child because I assure you I won't be making ALL the sacrifices.

I'm sure it's challenging to do the balancing act between children and career, but people do it all the time (just not as many in my community). I just wish there were more likeminded individuals around here-- people who don't assume women have to make all the sacrifices.

Most importantly, it would be nice to have the support of my own mother! Who likes being told they're horrible for wanting to make something of themself? I'm selfish for wanting to be a slave to society... go figure.
 
pschmom1 said:
To Jaider, try mommd.com. That forum is just like studentdoc but w/all moms and women. They have provided me extensive advice about family life and med school. Check it out it's a great site.

Hey thanks. And best of luck to you! 👍
 
I can understand where you are coming from, Jaider, but you shouldn't lose hope or give up.

My parents have both been very supportive of my interest in medicine, but my mother does give me mini-lectures about family and my future love life. I think that more than considering gender roles, you should think about what a med student or doctor's relationships are likely to be like. Look at male doctors and wonder if you think they would have the time to gestate (if they could) and be involved parents if you are unable to find women as models.

Yes, it is important to have female role models, but make sure you don't ignore the things you can learn from men. If you remove gender and just look at people as people, you can learn a lot. It is difficult to be a doctor and have a family no matter if you are a mother or a father. Mothers have to consider a few more things (like how much risk you are willing to take by continuing to work in a place with harmful chemicals in the air during your pregnancy), but if you want to look at "family time," you can also look to fathers for guidelines of how possible it would be for you to have your cake and eat it too.

It is possible. Society is becoming more egalitarian in terms of child-rearing responsibilities. You wouldn't necessarily have to sacrifice your career to be a mother. These days both men and women are given "parental leave" whereas only women were granted "maternity leave" until fairly recently (which reinforces the sexist notion that women should be the primary care givers and men should be bread-winners).

The most difficult part to starting a family, though, is not juggling your schooling and career. The hard part is finding a partner who is compatible. If being a doctor is very important to you, and you want to spend a great deal of time at work, it is important to find someone who is willing to work with that. If you do not want to step down from your career in order to be the primary care-giver to your children after they are born, it is important to find a partner who is willing to be more involved.

Try to keep your chin-up, and try not to worry about starting a family until you are really ready to consider that as an immediate possibility. Don't let your mom get you down. You might benefit from finding feminist organizations on your campus or online. They often have great pick-me-ups, book suggestions, and general advice for these sorts of issues.
 
I am SOOO lucky. My husband is more than supportive (heck, he's my cheerleader), my inlaws are extremely happy and proud of me, and my own parents are about ready to bust they're so excited. I'm ... um.. well, I'll be celebrating the 10th anniversary of 29 this year, so I'll be in my 40s when I'm ready to be out on my own. My kids are excited, and I promised my husband that since by the time residency is done he'll have worked 20 years he can retire and I'll begin my 20 years of career (or more if I can!). He can't wait to be a 'kept man'. 😀
 
If being a doctor is very important to you, and you want to spend a great deal of time at work, it is important to find someone who is willing to work with that.

Hey girls~, If I don't get into med school my plan B is to marry a female doctor and take care of babies and household stuff so just let me know if you're interested in finding a sweet, supportive husband hehe. 😉
 
Jaider said:
My mother just told me that I shouldn't have children, since I'm not willing to give up my medical career to stay home with my children 24/7.

I should give up children?

I should give up everything I've ever worked for in terms of career?

I should give up my happiness?

I should give up trying to make a difference in the world (as opposed to raising children and hoping that at least of one them will eventually make a difference)?

I should resort to the dark ages concept that men have careers, women have children?

Man, sometimes I really really hate this community. There are far too few female mentors here and far too many people who think like my mother.

It's definitely doable!!!!

Hey, dermatology is pretty much 9-5pm
 
My guess is that this is a rhetorical post, but I'm going to comment anyway.

My comments below for what it's worth, coming from a married man who is 31, with one child, another on the way, and going to med school next year.

Jaider said:
My mother just told me that I shouldn't have children, since I'm not willing to give up my medical career to stay home with my children 24/7.

I should give up children?
No, medicine and family are not mutually exclusive...
Jaider said:
I should give up everything I've ever worked for in terms of career?
Give up everything? Now that is a little harsh. But if you want to be a mom and a doctor, then there is some give and take between the two jobs to be effective. I know that as a father I cannot spend as much time at work as I used to, and that has impacted my ability to be the best software engineer I can be.
Jaider said:
I should give up my happiness?
Umm...no. I think you'll find an enormous amount of support in this world, unfortunately the people (or person) closest to you may not be your most ardent supporter.
Jaider said:
I should give up trying to make a difference in the world (as opposed to raising children and hoping that at least of one them will eventually make a difference)?
Don't sell your child(ren) short. "At least one of them"... You will so much more important to your children than to your patients. And your ability to make a difference in this world will be better articulated through your children than through your patients, without a doubt. No question about it.

Jaider said:
I should resort to the dark ages concept that men have careers, women have children?
Maybe you can resort to you have a career and your husband raises your children. How about that?

Jaider said:
Man, sometimes I really really hate this community. There are far too few female mentors here and far too many people who think like my mother.

I understand how you feel, my sister says these things all the time. One way you can make a difference is have a career and a family, if you choose to have a family.
 
I'm sorry to hear that you haven't found the support that you'd like from your family, but please believe that you can be a successful doctor and mother. My mother has four children. She completed med school, one residency and a fellowship... then decided she didn't like her specialty and went back and completed another residency. Throughout all of this, she has remained a great mom. I think one thing that has helped her stay balanced is that she reserves a little time for herself in her schedule. Almost every day she spends some time either working out or reading/writing in her journal. Balancing a career and family can be tough for anyone, male or female, but it is doable. Good luck!
 
don't feel too bad hon, my mother says those things to me too, but at the same time is the making me apply to so many schools. i confronted her about it one day and basically found out that it was her way of testing my drive and motivation, which was pretty mean but true. i'm sure you'll be able to balance it. i know a lot of women doctors who are doing it and have a good life at home. hey, maybe your mom will help you with your children, when the time comes? parents change their tune when grandchildren arrive.
at my baylor interview, i got asked about how i'd balance family life and medicine. i think the key thing is for you to recognize that it's going to be tough as a woman doctor, but something you'll develop a new routine to accomplish.
 
NatyaLaya said:
don't feel too bad hon, my mother says those things to me too, but at the same time is the making me apply to so many schools. i confronted her about it one day and basically found out that it was her way of testing my drive and motivation, which was pretty mean but true. i'm sure you'll be able to balance it. i know a lot of women doctors who are doing it and have a good life at home. hey, maybe your mom will help you with your children, when the time comes? parents change their tune when grandchildren arrive.
at my baylor interview, i got asked about how i'd balance family life and medicine. i think the key thing is for you to recognize that it's going to be tough as a woman doctor, but something you'll develop a new routine to accomplish.

umm...is your mdapps a joke? you've gotten over 20 interviews. that's ridiculous. i hope you're not holding all those acceptances. i'm not trying to be rude, but goddamn. with stats like that you don't need to apply to all those schools.

and to the O.P., stop listening to your parents! if i bought in to all the crap my parents have fed me, i'd be a much different person. you KNOW what you are doing. stick to your plan and just block your parents out when they say stupid ****.
-mota
 
umm...is your mdapps a joke?

I thought the funniest thing about her app is how she mentioned her mom at the end. ^^; It was cute.
 
DaMota said:
and to the O.P., stop listening to your parents!
-mota
I agree. Your parents are a bad influence on you. Stop listening to them. They say they love you but I don't care what they say. Stop falling for that sort of stuff. You are weak in the head and they prey on your brains because you let them.
You disgust me. Only listen to me, baby. I know what's good for you.
 
i really don't see why this is such an issue. well, i do, obviously since it's hard to manage, but i think it shouldn't be such a big deal and it certainly shouldn't be a bigger deal for the females than the males. women grow the baby and nurse it initially, but beyond that, both parents are equally responsible no matter what tradition says.

both of my parents are doctors and they managed to have 3 kids while maintaining full time careers. i never felt like they didn't have enough time for me or like their careers were more important to them. i know they had hard times, but i was a kid and i never noticed.

also, not to be super negative but like half of marriages end in divorce. if you give up your career and stay home, maybe 5 maybe 20 years down the road, you might find yourself in a position where you need to support yourself but you've been out of the workforce for a while. it's gonna be hard. my mom taught me to ALWAYS look out for myself and never get myself into a position where I depend on someone else.
 
I have a 10 month old and I will be starting at U Mich this fall. My husband works from home. We are planning to have another during med school, and I'll be taking off a year to stay home once #2 is born, since the first year is the MOST important time for baby. It's good to have parents both there as much as possible during the first year, especially with breastfeeding. Most wait until residency to have babies. The situation I have works because I have an awesome husband. Either my husband or myself is able to be there all the time. When we want to take a break and go out on a date, our parents step in. For many, work/family dynamics are pathological because they just do what everyone else does. I say, step back and really think what would be the most logical thing to do. I went against the grain having children young, though my husband and I have known each other since we were 12 and 13.

When I was pregnant, so many people said motherhood would be stressful, childbirth would be unbearably painful, etc. I chose to not believe them - and this ended up being a great choice. Motherhood is awesome for me. I did attachment parenting, so I am still breastfeeding (American Academy of Pediatrics says either breast milk or formula ONLY for the first 12 months, except for the "experience" of food for non-nutritional reasons), and we use baby carriers and slings a lot. My life isn't OVER since I take my daughter everywhere, instead of staying at home all the time isolated, which is the accepted norm. She loves going new places and meeting new people, whereas most babies her age are afraid. She knows how to act because of going out so often, and she is never fussy because she feels secure and loved.

Once you hit year 3 of med school, more time will be spent away. Years 1 and 2 for many schools have lectures online or taped, etc. So, I planned for my babies to NOT be babies at this point, but young children. My husband will be at home with them, along with our friends, who are like family to us.

One thing that may be hard: keeping up a household along with school/career and kids. In my family, we have given up some things, like TV and eating out, and pay a friend to clean. That way, we just worry about our family relationships and work. This is going against the norm again. Most people HAVE to have their 4 hours of cable a day and don't know how to cook a meal without a box. This is our culture. You don't have to buy into it if you don't want to. We have so much more time than many of our friends because we don't watch TV. We make music at home, or read.

Also, you can organize your home so it is a cinch to take care of. That's what my family has done. We don't have clutter; we use a system from a book we read.

Before my current situation, I worked 50 hours/wk, went to school full time, took care of sick family members, and ran student organizations. THAT was stressful. Now, having a happy baby look into your eyes... that's a stress reliever, and a reminder to live in the present and stop worrying about the future.
 
One more thing...

I came from a crappy family situation, so I replaced my friends with family in certain situations. Create your own family if you don't have a supportive one!
 
Top Bottom