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Hi everyone...
I was just wondering if any of you would be able to help me out by maybe giving me some counseling through AIM...
My background:
I'll be 21 in 9 days.
I had a sister who died last summer (july of 2004). I have no other siblings.
My mom has 5 sisters and everyone on her side of the family are very very close emotionally. We all get together several times a week and it's a good thing. My father's side of the family isn't close at all. He left and my mom chose to keep in touch with his parents. They live a half hour away and I see them maybe once a year. I don't like them.
My birth father went to Atlantic City for the day when I was a year and ahalf old, and never came back. He was an alcoholic and also suffered from depression and possibly other mental illnesses. Growing up, my sister and I never heard from him, saw him, or spoke to him. He died 2 months ago, in November of 2005.
My grandma (mom's mom) basically raised my sister and I. Mom worked/works 6 days a week from 7-3:30. I was grandma's favorite (and was made out to feel really bad about it by my sister and cousins, and even by some of my aunts) Grandma's house was my safe place. She was my safe person. Before moving to our new house, she lived literally down the street. Any time I needed her she was there. This past September of 2005, grandma died. Since then, everthing has gotten worse. I am currently not stable and am not doing so good.
I live in New Jersey. I have lived in New Jersey my entire life, but after the end of my senior year in highschool we moved out of the town we lived in for our whole life. Now we are in a weird little town about a half hour away from where we used to live. I hate it here.
In our house, it's just me and mom now. Mom's boyfriend who lived with us for 11 years and was very emotionally abusive towards me, died in 2001. Then last summer, my younger and only sister died in July of 2004. She was 18 and we were 15 months apart. We were best friends and we did everything together. She was the one who protected me when kids at school were mean. (I'm very overweight and I got teased relentlessly) I am very lost without her.
I have been mentally ill for basically all of my life. Depression hit me when I was about six. That's when things at home were really bad. Mom's boyfriend who lived with us was extremely emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. On a daily basis he would tell me that I was the worst child he had ever met, and that it was no wonder why my father left. He was call me a fat cow, tell me I was as big as the whole house. This went on from the the time he moved in when I was 5 or 6, until the time he died, when I was 16.
I have been going to counseling on and off since I was 10. Origionally we started going for family counseling (Just me, my sister, and mom-- her boyfriend refused to go with us) My first experience with a therapist was a really bad one. The lady we saw used to tell me that she had a secret elevator, and she was going to put me in it and send me to be locked away in the psych. ward. I believed her and I was terrorified. Since then, I have been very cautious as to who I will talk to and trust.
When I was 12, I began to self injure by cutting myself. The counselors at school found out and that was when I had to go for my first psych. eval. It was then that I was given my first diagnosis of Major Depression. They wanted me to go on meds, but I adamently refused.
When I was 14, I started seeing a LCSW for counseling. She was very nice and empathetic, and she was the first and remains the only mental health professional that I have ever liked and have been able to easily talk with. I saw her for about 2 and a half years. My sister saw her also. We stopped seeing her shortly after mom's boyfriend died.
Things got a little better for a few years. Life certainly wasn't great, but it was bareable up until around the end of my senior year. We moved out of the town we had lived in our entire lives. We moved from the center of everything to the middle of nowhere. I had to start a new school (county college) and I hated it. My sister was forced to do her senior year in a new school and she hated it. She went 4 days and then dropped out. This is around the time things started to get really bad for us. (Around the summer of 2003)
My sister started a program to get her hs diploma. It was night school, in the town we used to live in. She liked it for a while, but then she got in with bad people. She stopped going to school, which was unbeknownst to mom and I. We would take turns dropping her off and picking her up, and inbetween, she was sneaking off to be with her 'friends' My sister had always been a bit of a trouble, but now things were getting serious. She started using hard drugs. By the time she turned 18, in April of 2004, she had been doing cocaine for about 6 months. Mom and I had no idea until a few months later... when we recieved the 3am phone call from the police. They were calling to let us know that my sister and two of her 'friends' had been arrested for possession of cocaine. My mom was in complete shock. I had suspected for a while that she was doing stupid ****, but she swore when she got home later that night that this was the first and last time. We made the terrible mistake of believing her.
July 8th, 2004 I get up and get ready for work. It was a day just like any other, and I was rushing to get ready. Before leaving, I remembered that I had to wake up my sister because she had to be at work shortly after I did. I went into her room and stood in the doorway and said "vicki, you have to get up now" and I couldn't get her to answer. That's when I noticed that her breathing was really weird. She was making this really high pitched wheezing noise. I walked over to her bed and I immediately knew that something was wrong. She was barely breathing and her fingernails were turning blue. I screamed for her to wake up. I tried shaking her and pinching her. I threatend to call mom at work if she didn't getup right now. Nothing worked, I was unable to wake up my baby sister. I freaked out... I called mom at work in hysterics telling her she needed to come home RIGHT NOW.
About 20 minutes later, she was home and she called 911. By the time they got here, my sister was basically not breathing at all anymore. They put an emergancy trake in and rushed her off to the hospital.
She was in ICU in a coma for 10 days, and on July 18th, 2004 my sister died. That was the worst 10 days that I have ever lived through. I didn't eat. I didn't sleep. I never wanted to leave the hospital. Mom and I was switch shifts. Sometimes I would stay all night, and then in the morning mom would come back and I'd go home to sleep for a few hours. It was very hard for her and my aunts to get me to go home. Thank god though, I was with her when she died. So was my mom, grandma, and one of my aunts.
That's when I started to get really messed up. For the first several months, I guess I was in shock. It hadn't really hit me until the holidays got here. That's when I had a breakdown. I left work in January of 2005 and I have been on disability ever since. (just a year now) I went back to counseling with the woman we saw when we were in highschool. She basically forced me to see a psychiatrist for medication. And from March of 05-Aug. of 05, I was hospitalized 7 times for severe self injury, suicidal ideation, etc. With all of my hospitalizations and the many doctors I've seen, I have been diagnosed with Major Depression that's recurrant and severe, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, DID, and PTSD. I've been seeing my currant psychiatrist for about 8 or 9 months, and she agrees with all of the diagnoses. I've tried several medications, but I think the combination that I am on now has been the most helpful. I've been on this combination for about 8 months. I take 60mgs of Prozac, 300mgs of Effexor, and 100mgs of Seroquel all in the morning. At bedtime, I take 400mgs of Seroquel, 300mgs of Trazodone, and .75mgs of Xanax. If I miss even 1 pill, it seriously messes up my sleep, and my mood the next day. I've been self injuring everyday for over a year straight now. Nothing has been able to help me with that. I've tried every single alternative coping skill in the book. But nothing works, and everyday I either cut deeply, or do many cuts, or burn myself with cigarettes. I do it to feel alive, to see blood. I feel no pain when I do it. I'm usually severely dissociated. I've been self injuring on and off since I was 12. That's almost 9 years.
I've currently been out of the hospital since August, but things are starting to get pretty bad again. I was forced to stop seeing the therapist that I really liked and was comfortable with. I had to stop seeing her because I recently began a DBT program and they require you to see one of thier therapists. I've been in the program for just over a month now, and I don't feel like it's productive at all. I REALLY don't like my individule therapist. All's we do is go over a rediculous paper that I have to fill out every day. I just don't feel like I am getting anything out of seeing her, or out of the DBT group.
Anyway... I've written wayyyy more then I had planned. Sorry! I'm just looking for someone to talk to and help me for a while because things are getting bad again, and the therapist I'm seeing just isn't helping.
If anyone would be willing to help, I would be very greatful. My AIM screenename is Rainbowgurl6667
My email is [email protected]
Thanks in advance,
~Julie~
I was just wondering if any of you would be able to help me out by maybe giving me some counseling through AIM...
My background:
I'll be 21 in 9 days.
I had a sister who died last summer (july of 2004). I have no other siblings.
My mom has 5 sisters and everyone on her side of the family are very very close emotionally. We all get together several times a week and it's a good thing. My father's side of the family isn't close at all. He left and my mom chose to keep in touch with his parents. They live a half hour away and I see them maybe once a year. I don't like them.
My birth father went to Atlantic City for the day when I was a year and ahalf old, and never came back. He was an alcoholic and also suffered from depression and possibly other mental illnesses. Growing up, my sister and I never heard from him, saw him, or spoke to him. He died 2 months ago, in November of 2005.
My grandma (mom's mom) basically raised my sister and I. Mom worked/works 6 days a week from 7-3:30. I was grandma's favorite (and was made out to feel really bad about it by my sister and cousins, and even by some of my aunts) Grandma's house was my safe place. She was my safe person. Before moving to our new house, she lived literally down the street. Any time I needed her she was there. This past September of 2005, grandma died. Since then, everthing has gotten worse. I am currently not stable and am not doing so good.
I live in New Jersey. I have lived in New Jersey my entire life, but after the end of my senior year in highschool we moved out of the town we lived in for our whole life. Now we are in a weird little town about a half hour away from where we used to live. I hate it here.
In our house, it's just me and mom now. Mom's boyfriend who lived with us for 11 years and was very emotionally abusive towards me, died in 2001. Then last summer, my younger and only sister died in July of 2004. She was 18 and we were 15 months apart. We were best friends and we did everything together. She was the one who protected me when kids at school were mean. (I'm very overweight and I got teased relentlessly) I am very lost without her.
I have been mentally ill for basically all of my life. Depression hit me when I was about six. That's when things at home were really bad. Mom's boyfriend who lived with us was extremely emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. On a daily basis he would tell me that I was the worst child he had ever met, and that it was no wonder why my father left. He was call me a fat cow, tell me I was as big as the whole house. This went on from the the time he moved in when I was 5 or 6, until the time he died, when I was 16.
I have been going to counseling on and off since I was 10. Origionally we started going for family counseling (Just me, my sister, and mom-- her boyfriend refused to go with us) My first experience with a therapist was a really bad one. The lady we saw used to tell me that she had a secret elevator, and she was going to put me in it and send me to be locked away in the psych. ward. I believed her and I was terrorified. Since then, I have been very cautious as to who I will talk to and trust.
When I was 12, I began to self injure by cutting myself. The counselors at school found out and that was when I had to go for my first psych. eval. It was then that I was given my first diagnosis of Major Depression. They wanted me to go on meds, but I adamently refused.
When I was 14, I started seeing a LCSW for counseling. She was very nice and empathetic, and she was the first and remains the only mental health professional that I have ever liked and have been able to easily talk with. I saw her for about 2 and a half years. My sister saw her also. We stopped seeing her shortly after mom's boyfriend died.
Things got a little better for a few years. Life certainly wasn't great, but it was bareable up until around the end of my senior year. We moved out of the town we had lived in our entire lives. We moved from the center of everything to the middle of nowhere. I had to start a new school (county college) and I hated it. My sister was forced to do her senior year in a new school and she hated it. She went 4 days and then dropped out. This is around the time things started to get really bad for us. (Around the summer of 2003)
My sister started a program to get her hs diploma. It was night school, in the town we used to live in. She liked it for a while, but then she got in with bad people. She stopped going to school, which was unbeknownst to mom and I. We would take turns dropping her off and picking her up, and inbetween, she was sneaking off to be with her 'friends' My sister had always been a bit of a trouble, but now things were getting serious. She started using hard drugs. By the time she turned 18, in April of 2004, she had been doing cocaine for about 6 months. Mom and I had no idea until a few months later... when we recieved the 3am phone call from the police. They were calling to let us know that my sister and two of her 'friends' had been arrested for possession of cocaine. My mom was in complete shock. I had suspected for a while that she was doing stupid ****, but she swore when she got home later that night that this was the first and last time. We made the terrible mistake of believing her.
July 8th, 2004 I get up and get ready for work. It was a day just like any other, and I was rushing to get ready. Before leaving, I remembered that I had to wake up my sister because she had to be at work shortly after I did. I went into her room and stood in the doorway and said "vicki, you have to get up now" and I couldn't get her to answer. That's when I noticed that her breathing was really weird. She was making this really high pitched wheezing noise. I walked over to her bed and I immediately knew that something was wrong. She was barely breathing and her fingernails were turning blue. I screamed for her to wake up. I tried shaking her and pinching her. I threatend to call mom at work if she didn't getup right now. Nothing worked, I was unable to wake up my baby sister. I freaked out... I called mom at work in hysterics telling her she needed to come home RIGHT NOW.
About 20 minutes later, she was home and she called 911. By the time they got here, my sister was basically not breathing at all anymore. They put an emergancy trake in and rushed her off to the hospital.
She was in ICU in a coma for 10 days, and on July 18th, 2004 my sister died. That was the worst 10 days that I have ever lived through. I didn't eat. I didn't sleep. I never wanted to leave the hospital. Mom and I was switch shifts. Sometimes I would stay all night, and then in the morning mom would come back and I'd go home to sleep for a few hours. It was very hard for her and my aunts to get me to go home. Thank god though, I was with her when she died. So was my mom, grandma, and one of my aunts.
That's when I started to get really messed up. For the first several months, I guess I was in shock. It hadn't really hit me until the holidays got here. That's when I had a breakdown. I left work in January of 2005 and I have been on disability ever since. (just a year now) I went back to counseling with the woman we saw when we were in highschool. She basically forced me to see a psychiatrist for medication. And from March of 05-Aug. of 05, I was hospitalized 7 times for severe self injury, suicidal ideation, etc. With all of my hospitalizations and the many doctors I've seen, I have been diagnosed with Major Depression that's recurrant and severe, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, DID, and PTSD. I've been seeing my currant psychiatrist for about 8 or 9 months, and she agrees with all of the diagnoses. I've tried several medications, but I think the combination that I am on now has been the most helpful. I've been on this combination for about 8 months. I take 60mgs of Prozac, 300mgs of Effexor, and 100mgs of Seroquel all in the morning. At bedtime, I take 400mgs of Seroquel, 300mgs of Trazodone, and .75mgs of Xanax. If I miss even 1 pill, it seriously messes up my sleep, and my mood the next day. I've been self injuring everyday for over a year straight now. Nothing has been able to help me with that. I've tried every single alternative coping skill in the book. But nothing works, and everyday I either cut deeply, or do many cuts, or burn myself with cigarettes. I do it to feel alive, to see blood. I feel no pain when I do it. I'm usually severely dissociated. I've been self injuring on and off since I was 12. That's almost 9 years.
I've currently been out of the hospital since August, but things are starting to get pretty bad again. I was forced to stop seeing the therapist that I really liked and was comfortable with. I had to stop seeing her because I recently began a DBT program and they require you to see one of thier therapists. I've been in the program for just over a month now, and I don't feel like it's productive at all. I REALLY don't like my individule therapist. All's we do is go over a rediculous paper that I have to fill out every day. I just don't feel like I am getting anything out of seeing her, or out of the DBT group.
Anyway... I've written wayyyy more then I had planned. Sorry! I'm just looking for someone to talk to and help me for a while because things are getting bad again, and the therapist I'm seeing just isn't helping.
If anyone would be willing to help, I would be very greatful. My AIM screenename is Rainbowgurl6667
My email is [email protected]
Thanks in advance,
~Julie~
