Ella Shepherd

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I'm really bothered by a family thing that has been going on for quite some time. I don't know how to deal with it properly. I never even thought that this could happen to my family. I'll be sharing some stuff here and I'd really appreciate it if some of you could share something that is related to it and that may help or something...

My father lives and works in another country. He's supposed to be sending money here to support Mom, my sister and me. But he hasn't for some time and I'm worried about that. Mom's having trouble supporting us financially although we're getting by. (She has a job but it doesn't pay so well.)

She and Dad had a misunderstanding about the sending money thing a couple of months ago and now he doesn't reply to her emails anymore. He hasn't sent us money since January. I don't understand why he's doing this. I'm so mad at him and I don't know what I can do to help. I don't understand why he's so proud. I don't understand why he gets angry at Mom when she tells him she needs money right away for tuition and stuff. I don't know what to do.

I'm worried about Mom and Dad's relationship. Mom has always been so patient with him. I'm sick and tired of Dad always getting angry when Mom tells him the truth about how she feels about his attitude. It's just not fair that when Dad does something wrong it's perfectly okay but when Mom makes a mistake it's such a big thing. :bullcrap::mad:

I'm also worried that maybe something happened to him and we don't know. Mom says he doesn't have a cellphone. I doubt if she even knows his address. They contact through email only. And now he's not replying!!! :(

I really don't know what to think or do. There are so many possibilities and some I just can't accept or even mention. I even had this crazy idea a while ago that I'd "hire" somebody to "track" him down. I feel like a kid but I'm desperate!

Sigh...he makes life so complicated. I dunno how Mom deals with all of it. I'm afraid of what might be happening to her inside. I love Mom very much...

I really dunno where exactly I'm going with this post. I'm just feeling troubled and would like somebody to say something to clear my head. I can't give specifics but please ask if you need to know something or whatever. I understand that this post might have holes and stuff...

Thank you...
 
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Ella Shepherd

Ella Shepherd

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Contact the US State Department to track down your father.

Or have you contacted his employer?

No one can advise you on the "misunderstandings" between your mom and dad, though.
No, I can't contact his employer. I don't even know if he has one or if he's self-employed. Dad is a neurosurgeon and works in Japan. We're not US citizens either.

Thanks anyway. I understand that no one can probably give advise about the misunderstanding between my parents...It just feels better to share I guess and maybe I'll hear from someone who can relate to it...I dunno...

Thanks again. :)
 

flip26

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No, I can't contact his employer. I don't even know if he has one or if he's self-employed. Dad is a neurosurgeon and works in Japan. We're not US citizens either.

Thanks anyway. I understand that no one can probably give advise about the misunderstanding between my parents...It just feels better to share I guess and maybe I'll hear from someone who can relate to it...I dunno...

Thanks again. :)
Ummm, EVERYBODY in Japan has a cell phone.

Is he a japanese national? Otherwise, it shouldn't be too hard to track down a foreign neurosurgeon.

Contact your home country's embassy in Japan and ask for help.

Finally - have you thought about "googling" your dad's name? Surely if some gaijin neurosurgeon is working in Japan, he will leave a trail on the internet...
 
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Ella Shepherd

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Ummm, EVERYBODY in Japan has a cell phone.

Is he a japanese national? Otherwise, it shouldn't be too hard to track down a foreign neurosurgeon.

Contact your home country's embassy in Japan and ask for help.

Finally - have you thought about "googling" your dad's name? Surely if some gaijin neurosurgeon is working in Japan, he will leave a trail on the internet...
No he isn't. If I contact the embassy for help do you think my father will find out that I'm trying to look for him? He shouldn't know. He doesn't even know I know about the issues he has with Mom.

Yeah, I tried that before and I tried it again just now...nope...no Dad.
 

taponthecloud

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this is a sad story. to be honest, from what i've read, it seems like your mom and dad have had relationship problems long before this whole situation with him not sending money and your mother getting mad at him and vice versa. it's just starting to play out now in a very dramatic way before your eyes.

i really don't know how close you are with your dad but it doesn't seem like there's much communication there. it's clear that your relationship with your mom is much stronger. there's probably not much you can do yourself then to salvage the relationship between your parents insofar as convincing your dad to engage in an open and honest dialogue with mom (perhaps a sibling or relative who is close with your dad can intervene). you can try to broker peace but otherwise leave it up to your parents to solve their marital issues.

it's easy to just throw your hands up and and break down in these difficult and unfortunate situations but you and your mother will be best served if you can keep your personal and professional life from unraveling by remaining strong and focused on your goals.
 

kedrin

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No he isn't. If I contact the embassy for help do you think my father will find out that I'm trying to look for him? He shouldn't know. He doesn't even know I know about the issues he has with Mom.

Yeah, I tried that before and I tried it again just now...nope...no Dad.

maybe thats the problem, let your dad know its causing you trouble. If you get desperate enough for money just guilt trip him into it. Any decent human being would not be able to resist it. Contact the damned embassy or someone over there and stop beating around the bush. Who gives a damn if he knows that you know of the problem, you need help.
 

flip26

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If he is not a Japanese national, he will be quite easy to track down. Your embassy can help, absolutely.

Japan has very strict laws regarding foreigners working in their country - they keep track of them. Your embassy can help you get information from the Japanese immigration officials.

Finally, your mom should speak to a lawyer. If your dad has financial assets in your home country (a bank account, etc) she might be able to sue him to get access to those funds.

No he isn't. If I contact the embassy for help do you think my father will find out that I'm trying to look for him? He shouldn't know. He doesn't even know I know about the issues he has with Mom.

Yeah, I tried that before and I tried it again just now...nope...no Dad.
 

butiwuvu

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I don't understand why he gets angry at Mom when she tells him she needs money right away for tuition and stuff.
Then perhaps the best thing to do would be for you to take out student loans to pay for your education. That way, your mother wouldn't be begging/nagging your father for tuition and their relationship might improve once your tens of thousands of tuition dollars a year is out of the equation. That's a lot of money and has ruined many a relationship.

I'm not saying you're to blame, and I'm certainly not advocating the side of deadbeat dads, but it sounds like the root of this problem is nagging for money. You can stop this nagging by paying your own way instead, just like many other students do. Once your tuition is out of the picture, I bet your mother could live comfortably on her own income.

Pursuing your dad for money will take a very long time, and a lawyer will cost you a lot of money (my parents went through this crap when they divorced). You should make the necessary changes now to ensure that your mother can live day-to-day and that you can continue with college.
 

135892

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What do you think this is... Dear Abby?
 

flip26

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maybe thats the problem, let your dad know its causing you trouble. If you get desperate enough for money just guilt trip him into it. Any decent human being would not be able to resist it. Contact the damned embassy or someone over there and stop beating around the bush. Who gives a damn if he knows that you know of the problem, you need help.
Not sure if I am buying this thread anymore. The OP clearly needs to get in touch with her dad and to ask/demand from him the tuition monies he has promised to her, but she doesn't want him to know? WTF?

I mean, the man is a freaking neurosurgeon. Bound to be making big bank, right?

I also don't buy it that she can't track him down via conventional means - it is not as if a neurosurgeon works out of the back of a van - he obviously is affiliated with a hospital or two...he has to be licensed in Japan - she should be able to track him down that way...doesn't sound like the OP has done anything to find him, so I am not sure why I or anybody else is wasting time and advice on this thread...

Sorry, but I now think this thread bears the scent of the troll...
 
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Ella Shepherd

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Not sure if I am buying this thread anymore. The OP clearly needs to get in touch with her dad and to ask/demand from him the tuition monies he has promised to her, but she doesn't want him to know? WTF?

I mean, the man is a freaking neurosurgeon. Bound to be making big bank, right?

I also don't buy it that she can't track him down via conventional means - it is not as if a neurosurgeon works out of the back of a van - he obviously is affiliated with a hospital or two...he has to be licensed in Japan - she should be able to track him down that way...doesn't sound like the OP has done anything to find him, so I am not sure why I or anybody else is wasting time and advice on this thread...

Sorry, but I now think this thread bears the scent of the troll...
I'm really sorry for making you feel that way. I don't mean to troll or anything like that and I am telling the truth. I really really am.

I'm not close with my Dad and I have absolutely no idea what he does in Japan except that he's a neurosurgeon. I don't even know where exactly he practices. And no, I haven't done anything yet because I thought I didn't need to till just now. Mom always says she knows what she's doing and that she knows where he is. I trust her but right now, I'm not so sure if that's so true anymore or if she's just trying to "comfort" me.

I can't make him find out because we'll get in big trouble, especially Mom. It's hard to explain. Never mind. But please don't judge me. I really don't mean to troll or to fool anyone.

Thanks to all who have helped. And I'm sorry for those who I bothered. I was really feeling very bad when I posted this thread and didn't mean to make this like "Dear Abby".
 

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I'm just throwing this out there, if you don't want to be judged then don't post personal issues on an easily accessible forum.... Eh..
 

flip26

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I'm really sorry for making you feel that way. I don't mean to troll or anything like that and I am telling the truth. I really really am.

I'm not close with my Dad and I have absolutely no idea what he does in Japan except that he's a neurosurgeon. I don't even know where exactly he practices. And no, I haven't done anything yet because I thought I didn't need to till just now. Mom always says she knows what she's doing and that she knows where he is. I trust her but right now, I'm not so sure if that's so true anymore or if she's just trying to "comfort" me.

I can't make him find out because we'll get in big trouble, especially Mom. It's hard to explain. Never mind. But please don't judge me. I really don't mean to troll or to fool anyone.

Thanks to all who have helped. And I'm sorry for those who I bothered. I was really feeling very bad when I posted this thread and didn't mean to make this like "Dear Abby".
You are missing the point.

The issue is not the problem between your mom and dad, but between you and your dad.

Your dad owes you at a minimum an explanation for his failure to help out with family finances, specifically the cost of your education.

What I don't understand is your lack of this basic understanding. Track him down - get word passed to him that there is an emergency at home - your dad should be ashamed for abandoning you.

You can't solve the problems in your parents marriage, but maybe if you appeal directly to him, he will respond to you - maybe he and your mom are so far apart that he will never send money via her, but if you appeal directly to him, maybe he will send the needed money to you.

Why is your mom still married to this bum? She should divorce him and sue him for alimony, child support, etc...

Good luck.
 

butiwuvu

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if you appeal directly to him, maybe he will send the needed money to you.
I guess my question is why you think your father owes you a college education? If you need money for college, there are plenty of legitimate sources that can be found that will cover your expenses. Your effort would be far better spent filling out a FAFSA rather than trying to get a free ride from a deadbeat who clearly doesn't want to pay.
 

WinterLights

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I guess my question is why you think your father owes you a college education? If you need money for college, there are plenty of legitimate sources that can be found that will cover your expenses. Your effort would be far better spent filling out a FAFSA rather than trying to get a free ride from a deadbeat who clearly doesn't want to pay.
Unless she is an independent, her FAFSA will likely take into account his income as well. If she has to take out huge loans based on his income, then how can she not expect him to help her pay for school?
 

flip26

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I guess my question is why you think your father owes you a college education? If you need money for college, there are plenty of legitimate sources that can be found that will cover your expenses. Your effort would be far better spent filling out a FAFSA rather than trying to get a free ride from a deadbeat who clearly doesn't want to pay.
The OP implies that was the "deal" with her dad - he would send back money to support the family, including her college tuition, etc.
 

xrevision

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Hard to get government money or loans if you are not a citizen.