Being single as a clinical psychologist.

[conky124]

Hello,

I was hoping to seek some personal advice that I hope is relevant to this forum. I'm in my last year of grad school for clinical psych and am in the process of applying to internship. At the moment I am more interested in women in completely different fields than me or who have chosen different/ more creative careers that don't involve as much time in school I have spent. Also, I've just come out of a 10-year relationship several months ago and am just now starting to get myself into the dating world and learn how to navigate all that jazz again. I've noticed that some of the women I have gone out with have been really uneasy about me becoming a psychologist/clinician because they think I am "analyzing/judging" them or that I secretly think they are crazy. I have noticed that they also don't appear to believe or trust me when I attempt to reassure them that I hate to be treated like a client (unless I seek out therapy), treat others like a client, and that I am more likely over-judging myself. This has been a bit of a bummer when these potential relationships fizzle out for this reason and I worry that my career might always make some people distrusting of me, especially the kind of people I may want to connect with most. Anyway, I was just wondering if any clinical psychologists or students had any advice on how they reassure others who don't seem trusting of the profession. Also any advice about dating or being single as a clinical psychologist would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you!

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[WisNeuro]

I was out there dating during grad school, internship, and postdoc, and predominantly with people outside of our profession (phsyicians, actress, campaign manager, to name a few), and I don't really remember much of a problem at all with dates not trusting the profession. Maybe just be specific about what you do, e.g., "I do trauma work, mainly with sexual assault survivors," or something similar.

As for dating, it was a bit easier when I dated other people in healthcare in general, mostly because they understood long hours and the necessity for moves and living all throughout the country. But, not a huge problem with the non-healthcare people either.

In the end, try to find some common ground, be it a hobby or special interest, and use that as an anchor point. As for the "are you analyzing me" junk, just speak plainly with people and demystify things.

 

[modestmousktr]

If that is their perception, and they can’t be swayed or learn to trust that you aren’t analyzing them as they get to know you, maybe they aren’t a super great fit long term!

Totally empathize with the being single near the end of doctoral training. I also had a 10-year relationship end, in about my third year. I didn’t realize how toxic it was and how relieved I would be when it was over. I spent the following six months or so getting to know who I was, as a single person, and developing hobbies and interests outside of my identity as a doctoral student. I think that was totally helpful in dating because I felt I had a strong sense of who I was outside of the field and largely spoke about that when getting to know others. That being said, our career is a huge part of our identity! And if folks are uncomfortable, even after continued interactions, that might just be an unfortunate deal-breaker for them.

I met a fellow Ph.D. student who attends my university and is not in a health-related field, more STEM-y, and appreciated that he understood and valued and equaled my work ethic, ambition, and compassion/desire to give back to communities. We have been together for about 2 years now. Not sure how to turn that into advice, but sort of just highlighting that the right person will get it.

 

[Therapist4Chnge]

Dating as a professional has been easier in a lot of ways. I have stuck mostly w physicians and lawyers bc that's who I spend the most time with bc of work. I'm sure I'll end up marrying a kindergarten teacher bc they should be totally cool w mid-day naps!!

 

[dannyphantom]

I am currently on internship and am single. I haven't run into this problem very often (if at all). Perhaps you've hit an unlucky streak and met some people that clearly aren't a fit for you. Occasionally, on a first or second date they will ask me questions about therapy, etc, and I tell them about it but I always make some sort of joke (with a smile and a laugh in my voice) that I can read their minds or that I am analyzing them CONSTANTLY, and that seems to quell worry or concern. I wouldn't sweat it. Don't overthink it. Cool and understanding people(and normal people) realize that we aren't psychoanalyzing them all the time. That would be exhausting and no fun for anyone.

 

[Jegg]

In the future when this issue comes up, tell your dates that you will analyze them but they’ll have to pay you $300 an hour for your time. If they laugh, they’re worth pursuing. If they don’t, perhaps you need to increase the size of your dating pool.

As an aside, the $300 mark will also increase your perceived value and desirability. Does that suck? Yeah, it sort of does, but it’s the way the world works, even if a lot of people don’t want to admit it.

The downside to this approach is you’ll have to pay for dinner... lol

 

[Sanman]

I have run into a few of those and there is no magic answer, people that have those hangups will be just not make good partners. That said, try and aim to be in a metro area with other single people if possible. If not, dating can suck. My dating life sucked when I was in grad school due to the area, but improved on internship when I was in a larger metro area (and had some income). Good luck!

 

[parametric]

Ha, I thought this was going to be a thread on the difficulties of moving and covering living expenses during internship and postdoc without a partner/combined income...

 

[WisNeuro]

I thought this was going to be a thread on the difficulties of moving and covering living expenses during internship and postdoc without a partner/combined income

That one's easy, budgeting and roommates.

 

[parametric]

That one's easy, budgeting and roommates.

Oh totally. Just been noticing on internship interviews these last couple weeks that the modal response to the question of “how livable is the stipend for this area’s COL?” is “Well, my fiancé[e] and I split the rent and their salary is a lot higher than our intern salary.”

 

[deleted343839]

I've noticed that some of the women I have gone out with have been really uneasy about me becoming a psychologist/clinician because they think I am "analyzing/judging" them or that I secretly think they are crazy.

I don't know how much it's worth trying to reassure people who are immediately defensive or suspicious when they learn you're a psychologist. That seems over the top. Wouldn't you rather spend time with someone who's at least curious?

Therapist4Change makes a good point about dating other professionals (eg, medicine, academia, law) who are probably also used to having their work misunderstood and oversimplified.

 

[Sanman]

Oh totally. Just been noticing on internship interviews these last couple weeks that the modal response to the question of “how livable is the stipend for this area’s COL?” is “Well, my fiancé[e] and I split the rent and their salary is a lot higher than our intern salary.”

So, you're saying match in said city and then madly hunt for a sugar daddy/mama? That works too.

 

[Sanman]

I don't know how much it's worth trying to reassure people who are immediately defensive or suspicious when they learn you're a psychologist. That seems over the top. Wouldn't you rather spend time with someone who's at least curious?

Therapist4Change makes a good point about dating other professionals (eg, medicine, academia, law) who are probably also used to having their work misunderstood and oversimplified.

Or big tech firms, no one knows what my best friend does except for me, his bother (also in tech), and his wife.

 

[CatLover&PsychEnthusiast]

This came up a lot for me when I was dating a few years back. It will happen sometimes and it’s not gender specific (I was dating men). Good news is I found someone very supportive of my profession (enough to be along for moving for internship and postdoc), they are also in a different profession than me. You’ll meet the right person and that right person will be supportive of your career. I empathize though, being on the dating scene is not always fun. Goodluck and be yourself!


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[foreverbull]

That is a bummer that your profession arouses suspicion for some folks. I did date a bit in grad school here and there and didn't find my career path to arouse negative reactions at all, although I did get to know a lot of people in similar fields (medicine, social work, physical therapy, etc.), so I think there was probably some level of mutual understanding there, as other folks have mentioned.

One thing I'd say is that you are not missing out at all by not dating people who are close-minded and believe superficial stereotypes about our field, so even though it feels bad to have things fizzle out early, these people are clearly not good matches for you if a stereotype (that isn't even true) is such a deterrant for them.

Some folks out there may actually find our profession to be a real advantage (i.e. interpersonal skills, capacity for self-reflection/self-awareness, etc.), or at least feel neutral about it, so don't lose hope!

 

[Ollie123]

Married now, but I have yet to meet a person who responded that way to meeting a psychologist I would have considered worth dating back in the day.

I make light of it when people ask (e.g. someone cutting my hair asks what I do, I respond, they ask if I am analyzing them, I ask if they try to give their doctor a haircut during their appointments). Seems to do the trick for at least getting through whatever I am doing.

 

[pediatric_psydoc]

The same thing happened to me before I entered the relationship I have now (which is with someone I’ve known since middle school and I dated in college; we parted ways in college due to relocating for grad school. Little did we know we would end up back together 8 years later).

However, before him, I went on dates with men who would start out with “so are you going to psychoanalyze me?” Or frequently make remarks about how “intimidating” I was due to my education and “doctor” title. I got this more times than I can count or remember, honestly, even from lawyers and engineers I was dating.

On another note, I also got “Doctor? Yeah okay...” on a first date after just meeting someone, after which I promptly walked out and never saw the person again.

 

[Sanman]

On another note, I also got “Doctor? Yeah okay...” on a first date after just meeting someone, after which I promptly walked out and never saw the person again.

Back when I was single, I met up with an old HS buddy when I was visiting home. This girl he liked texted him to meet up and was bringing a friend, so he asked me to tag along. We're all chatting and they asked what I do, so I told them. They asked to see a business card or ID as they thought I was lying to them. Then spent the next ten minutes interrogating me. Guess that's what I get for hanging out in the blue collar neighborhood and keeping diverse friends.

 

[psychlife19]

Tell them at least they are not on a date with a proctologist hahaha

But really, it just means those people aren’t the right people and it’s good you found out early and not 10 months into the relationship.

I told my now husband that I was in graduate school to be a psychologist and he thought it was cool the right person will think it’s cool too!

 

[AcronymAllergy]

I agree--if you're immediately having to justify how your job doesn't substantially impair your ability to have a non-professional relationship with someone, regardless of what your job is, they just may not be a good fit for you. Even if you are initially able to calm things down, it may be something that comes up recurrently during the relationship as they get to know more bits and pieces about what you do.

As a few others have said, I never really ran into this back when I was dating. There were numerous, "oh, so you're psychoanalyzing me, aren't you" comments, but I never felt like it was more just a joke, and it never persisted beyond my tongue-in-cheek response. Or if it did persist or cause problems, I either didn't notice, or didn't see the person long enough for it to come out. Like others in the thread, I mostly dated folks in psychology or healthcare-related fields, but not always. Case in point, my current (long-term) partner is in business/finance.

TL;DR: There's hope. Sounds like you've maybe just had some bad luck.

 

[conky124]

Yeah, I think you all are right about those who can't chill out about me being a therapist to be a bad fit and that I'm definitely overthinking it. I think it just bothered me recently because what prompted me to post this was a result of just having met someone I had a super dynamite time and intense connection right away and who appeared to have a lot of common with me only for it to blow up a few days later (you know the drill, cringe). I realize this kind of thing is a pretty easily recognizable pattern in some people and it is easy for me to spot that kind of thing when others involved in it, especially since seeing it in clients. I just feel like a doofus for getting swept up in it myself because I should know better. On the other hand, I do go to school in a really small town and it's very hard to meet other people that aren't silly undergrads, which I obviously rule out. In the end, there was no harm done and I'm over it, but just felt stupid (derp).

 

[Jegg]

Yeah, I think you all are right about those who can't chill out about me being a therapist to be a bad fit and that I'm definitely overthinking it. I think it just bothered me recently because what prompted me to post this was a result of just having met someone I had a super dynamite time and intense connection right away and who appeared to have a lot of common with me only for it to blow up a few days later (you know the drill, cringe). I realize this kind of thing is a pretty easily recognizable pattern in some people and it is easy for me to spot that kind of thing when others involved in it, especially since seeing it in clients. I just feel like a doofus for getting swept up in it myself because I should know better. On the other hand, I do go to school in a really small town and it's very hard to meet other people that aren't silly undergrads, which I obviously rule out. In the end, there was no harm done and I'm over it, but just felt stupid (derp).

One thing to keep in mind is that conveying that kind of intensity towards someone you’ve been on a few dates with can scare a lot of people off. Not saying you’re doing that, but thought it worth noting in general...

 

[psychedaboutpsych123]

Oh totally. Just been noticing on internship interviews these last couple weeks that the modal response to the question of “how livable is the stipend for this area’s COL?” is “Well, my fiancé[e] and I split the rent and their salary is a lot higher than our intern salary.”

This has been happening for me too! It's been a struggle to figure out how livable somewhere is alone, seems like all the current interns I meet are in relationships.

 

[pediatric_psydoc]

This has been happening for me too! It's been a struggle to figure out how livable somewhere is alone, seems like all the current interns I meet are in relationships.

All of the interns at my site, including myself, were single. I was the only one with a child

 

[PsyDr]

I’ve never found a shortage of women interested. God help you if you’re looking to me for long term relationship advice.
Pragmatically I’ve encountered the following problems unrelated to me working stupid hours:

1)“Is he analyzing me”? Literally had surgeons worries about this. Doesn't seem to be related to educationz

2) “is he super sensitive?”. In gender differences this seems to be a thing. There’s a fine line between not being a heartless jerk and crying too much. Some women have expressed concern about this.

3) “what does he make?”. Despite all the gold digger BS ideas. I think that income is a very reasonable thing to question in a lifetime partner. Psychologists are weird. Not a physician. Not a burger flipper.

 

[Sanman]

3) “what does he make?”. Despite all the gold digger BS ideas. I think that income is a very reasonable thing to question in a lifetime partner. Psychologists are weird. Not a physician. Not a burger flipper.

So, somewhere above the bottom 35% and below the top 5%. I believe they call that the middle, lol. Sadly, quite close to nurses, given the education differential.

 

[WisNeuro]

2) “is he super sensitive?”. In gender differences this seems to be a thing. There’s a fine line between not being a heartless jerk and crying too much. Some women have expressed concern about this.

For some reason I have a hard time seeing someone concerned that PsyDr is "too sensitive."

 

[Therapist4Chnge]

Never had any problems with dating other than the occasional “don’t psychologize me.”

Some admins look at me a little wearily when I come in to argue for something they don’t agree with. I’ve been accused of “bending brains.”

 

[MCParent]

I never really got this when I was single. Couple thoughts for people experiencing it, not necessarily the OP:

1. Are you REALLY sure you aren't just making a big deal out of a stupid joke that the person totally thinks is the first time you heard it?
2. Are you REALLY sure you aren't doing something that is prompting the behavior? Bc I have seen psych grad students and undergrads, and even some professionals, be awkward AF in public in ways related to seeming to think they can discern personality from brief behavior observations.
3. Are you REALLY sure you aren't just dating stupid people?
4. Are you REALLY sure you aren't picking out people who are nuts, and who have a good reason to wonder if you can read their minds? I'm not joking, I have seen psychs make bad, bad, bad, bad, awful, stupid, why, bad decisions about who to date bc they are basically better at relating to someone as a therapist who is fixing them than as a partner.

 

[Seven_Costanza]

I had the best time dating when I was single. I met a lot of lovely people. Aside from the “are you analyzing me” question, the one issue I encountered was they would often want to discuss past relationships in a lot of detail after they learned my research was in romantic relationships. One divorced man would share all of the arguments he was having with his ex-wife over the children/finances. That was annoying.

 

[Sanman]

I never really got this when I was single. Couple thoughts for people experiencing it, not necessarily the OP:

1. Are you REALLY sure you aren't just making a big deal out of a stupid joke that the person totally thinks is the first time you heard it?
2. Are you REALLY sure you aren't doing something that is prompting the behavior? Bc I have seen psych grad students and undergrads, and even some professionals, be awkward AF in public in ways related to seeming to think they can discern personality from brief behavior observations.
3. Are you REALLY sure you aren't just dating stupid people?
4. Are you REALLY sure you aren't picking out people who are nuts, and who have a good reason to wonder if you can read their minds? I'm not joking, I have seen psychs make bad, bad, bad, bad, awful, stupid, why, bad decisions about who to date bc they are basically better at relating to someone as a therapist who is fixing them than as a partner.

Can't answer for the OP, the one time I had this happen to me blatantly, I was a doctoral student in my mid-20s at a friend's house party. She was an undergrad that wanted to go to grad school and freaked out when I told her I was a doc student, thought I was analyzing her, and refused to speak a word to me for the rest of the evening. No idea if she was an idiot, but I have vague recollections of her being cute.

 

[MCParent]

Can't answer for the OP, the one time I had this happen to me blatantly, I was a doctoral student in my mid-20s at a friend's house party. She was an undergrad that wanted to go to grad school and freaked out when I told her I was a doc student, thought I was analyzing her, and refused to speak a word to me for the rest of the evening. No idea if she was an idiot, but I have vague recollections of her being cute.

"I am now."

 

[PedPsych02]

I've been single and dating as a clinical psych grad student, and haven't had this ever come up. Most of the time dating partners have been very interested in what I do and have a lot of questions about it. I wonder if there is a particular way you're bringing it up to them, or if perhaps you're interpreting their "analyzing/judging" comments as serious when it is possible they are joking about it? Not sure and I don't want to rush to make assumptions, but I have a hard time envisioning how disclosing this would lead someone to become uneasy right away?

 

[conky124]

I never really got this when I was single. Couple thoughts for people experiencing it, not necessarily the OP:

1. Are you REALLY sure you aren't just making a big deal out of a stupid joke that the person totally thinks is the first time you heard it?
2. Are you REALLY sure you aren't doing something that is prompting the behavior? Bc I have seen psych grad students and undergrads, and even some professionals, be awkward AF in public in ways related to seeming to think they can discern personality from brief behavior observations.
3. Are you REALLY sure you aren't just dating stupid people?
4. Are you REALLY sure you aren't picking out people who are nuts, and who have a good reason to wonder if you can read their minds? I'm not joking, I have seen psychs make bad, bad, bad, bad, awful, stupid, why, bad decisions about who to date bc they are basically better at relating to someone as a therapist who is fixing them than as a partner.

Although this wasn't pointed at me directly, I think these are definitely good things to keep in mind so I'll answer it anyway. As 1. No, not this time because she brought it up multiple times at different points that we met and after multiple reassurances that I am more likely over analyzing myself.
2. not entirely sure if I am but I really hope not. It's definitely something I'd hate to be doing if I knew I was because I know how it feels.
3. I might have been then, but it was a good time.
4. No not sure about that and yeah I could be attracted to people like that. I don't think she was nuts, but probably just distrustful of therapists or something.

On another note, I moved on and it's all good.

 

[cranberrysavage]

Oh totally. Just been noticing on internship interviews these last couple weeks that the modal response to the question of “how livable is the stipend for this area’s COL?” is “Well, my fiancé[e] and I split the rent and their salary is a lot higher than our intern salary.”

Lol YESSS please start our own thread to bitch/problem solve about this, it’s so annoying to me when that’s the answer to this question. Because....that is not an answer to that question! Ugh.

 

[Fan_of_Meehl]

I engage in the most nerdy, non-appealing hobbies I can imagine and hide my power-level.