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bf/family or med school

Discussion in 'Pre-Medical - MD' started by hjt, May 2, 2004.

  1. hjt

    hjt Member
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    I'm sort of in a dilemma right now. I'm a junior preparing to start the application process for med school. I have gotten really good support from profs, but I know what my science GPA's on the low side ~3.2 and average GPA's average ~3.5(but, I'm at a top tech university). Don't know about MCAT though (april test...might be something like 11/10/9)

    My boyfriend's now in graduate school, and we are hoping to get married and start a family after I graduate, but I definitely can't get into the med school where he's at for PhD. I would think that I can get in a med school close to home in TX instead (and pay the low in-state tuition).

    I'm having doubts whether I'm ready to attend med school because I love my bf and am realizing how our Long-Distance relationship has been so hard on me in doing well in my academics this term, and my attending med school elsewhere may mean that my relationship'll not workout (from this term's stressing out/depression issues, I can see that being true). But, I'm afraid that dropping the ball now when I have supportive profs. means I may never get around to med school later.

    My bf's supportive in whatever I choose though.

    Help? - so, should I apply now for med school now and be long distance (98% chance) or start a family first and then do that later? if I don't get in, then the question becomes much easier, and I find myself even hoping that my application doesn't workout :( ...a bad call and I know it. :eek: feeling pulled in opposite directions..ahh.
     
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  3. MoCookiess

    MoCookiess Hater of Biochemistry
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    I have to say that I really feel for your delimma. I'm also a junior in TX, trying to decide where the balance lies between family and career. My boyfriend (of nearly 4 years) is one year behind me in school, and I'm worried about what the effects of me going away to school, possibly many hours away from Austin (where we are now). The long distance relationship my freshman year was really hard, and I'd hate to go through that again, especially since we depend on eachother so much more now.

    My boyfriend is supportive, but realistic about our future. I think I'd like to get married before I go off to med school, but at the same time, I realize that we're too young for that, and he's not really ready to admit that we're adults.

    I know life would be easier if I didn't have big goals for my life, but I don't want to live an easier life just because its easier. To the OP- it sounds like you need to decide which of your goals is more important (family vs. career), or if they are really mutually exclusive. Unfortunately, no matter when you have children, its going to be hard to have a family and a medical career. That's just how kids are. :)

    I know I'm not the only one in a similar position, and it really makes you question just how badly you want to "have it all". At the moment, I think the answer for me is to put off applying to med school for a year so my S.O. can finish school and we can move together to wherever I go to med school.

    I'd really like to hear from others, their delimmas, and what course of action they decided on.
     
  4. bearpaw

    bearpaw celebrated member
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    perhaps you should both focus on gaining admission to medical school first, as that is the "limiting factor" of your lifes' goals right now.

    there's a good chance that once your career trajectory changes, so will your interest in your current mate. that's not a bad thing. "jimmy phd" and "johnnie year behind" will certainly lose a lot of appeal when you have all of a sudden hold a position of greater superiority.

    then you can date someone else and not look back, instead of kicking yourself for not accomplishing your goals.
     
  5. MG Md 2B

    MG Md 2B Senior Member
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    Hi, I completely understand what you both are going through. My fiance and I are getting married next summer. I hope to be starting med school the following fall. If I get accepted I will be living an hour and a half away from him for the next 4 years. I know that's not a terribly long distance, but knowing that we'll be married and not in the same house is awful. He'll be working, saving up, and we'll start building our house during that time. I'll be able to see him most weekends, but still, we'll be married and not living together. It's going to be hard, but he and I both know that I won't be completely happy if I don't go into medicine. I know I would regret it years from now, and always wonder "what if", and I would hate to have any resentment towards him because of that. We know this will be difficult, but we are confident and dedicated to making it work. I know he'll always be there for me, even if we are an hour apart. And, we will just wait to have kids till I am out. As for your own situations, you have to do what you feel is right. Also, try to look several years down the road. Good luck!
     
  6. dchristismi

    dchristismi Gin and Tonic
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    Been there, done that.

    My solution was to not get in the first time. ;) Boyfriend and I had dated long distance for 4 years, and we really wanted to get married. He was 2 years behind me in school. I am really glad I took that time off (I took 2 years off, then got in early decision) as I was mentally ready to start working my tail off. I think I personally would have gotten burned out really quickly otherwise.

    Anyway, we married, I worked for a couple of years, he graduated, and we moved so I could start med school.

    That's what I did. Good luck.
     
  7. hjt

    hjt Member
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    :) Thank you guys sooo much. Glad to know that i'm not in this alone. :)
     
  8. hobs

    hobs Member
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    hey OP -

    Since your science GPA's on the low side, you could maybe take some upper-level science classes this year while doing research (or a job that will be flexible) at the institution where your boyfriend's doing his grad work or another nearby university. that way, you can beef up your application, do some furher soul-searching about medicine, and hang out with your guy. Maybe even live with him, if your morality permits, so as to get a good look at the person for whom you may be sacrificing medical school. also, if the MCAT turned out not to be so kind to you, you can prepare and take it again in August or even next April.

    I think you should keep medicine on the front burner, though. It will probably be VERY difficult to get yourself motivated to get into medicine again once you get married and have kids or whatever. Or, even if you're motivated, going after your own dreams and self-fulfillment could create some serious rifts in your relationship with kids and husband.

    And there's always that bit of advice that says a good relationship will be able to stand the test of long distance. If there's a light at the end of the tunnel and you wouldn't be apart indefinitely, then I think you and your boyfriend would be able to hack the long distance thing.

    Good luck
     
  9. musicman1991

    musicman1991 Senior Member
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    Wait, you are stressing about something that may happen 1 year from now?

    Apply to every school in Texas/where your boyfriend is and then make a decision. Moving to Texas would be acceptable to be with family.

    Also, be forewarned.... Unless you have a ring on your finger don't give up any dreams to be with your boyfriend. You could get dumped as soon as you get off the plane. Trust me, I almost gave up a top 5 med school to be with my college girlfriend but people change and now I'm glad I did not.
     
  10. acab

    acab Senior Member
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    IMHO, you should never give up any dreams because of anyone. If you're happy pursuing your dream, the people who truly love you will be happier too. It may be a huge sacrifice at times, but you and your loved ones will feel incredibly fortunate when you accomplish your goals.

    BTW, why are guys planning to get married and start a family so young (I assume you're in your early 20s)? I personally don't know anyone who plans to start a family at that age. Why not enjoy your life a bit before the huge reponsibilities (ie, kids) come? Get married and enjoy an extended honeymoon!
     
  11. musicman1991

    musicman1991 Senior Member
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    I concur, but I think people learn that the hard way!
     
  12. emogrrrrl

    emogrrrrl I like my freedom
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    It's not impossible, but I know many women who decided to get married and have kids prior to trying to get into med school and none of them were able to carry through with it. It's stressful to have kids, especially if they are young, and be in school at the same time. Especially if, later on, your husband is not supportive of your goals.
    I'm pretty much in the same dilemma (bf is getting his phd, i'm going off to pharmacy), but when it comes down to it, if it won't work out long distance, then bye bye to the bf. My career and future are more important than risking the possibility that he goes his separate way later on and I'm stuck with a useless bachelor's degree regretting my decision for my the rest of my life.
    Sometimes putting your priorities first is most important.
     
  13. musicman1991

    musicman1991 Senior Member
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    Why would anyone do long distance in these kinds of situation. I mean I guess it depends on the distance but even so. Long distnance doesn't work unless there is a definite endpoint.
     
  14. oneluv

    oneluv Junior Member

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    I understand what you're going through. I met my husband in the military at age 18 :eek: We went separate ways for about 3 months and when we met back up we got married. Only you can know if you can handle being away. We couldn't. We got married at 18 and it's been six yrs now. We have two children and I will be attending medical school this fall. Settling down and having kids doesn't mean the end of the world. My husband is so supportive and despite my children I am going to do my thing in med school. I had all this in undergrad and I made it through without a scratch. Do what will make you happy. I personally enjoy going through life with my children they keep me going day to day. I wouldn't have it any other way.

    You may have a couple of nights where you want to tie everyone to a chair and walk out tho'. :laugh:
     
  15. emogrrrrl

    emogrrrrl I like my freedom
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    We would only be about 2 hours away. But yes, you're right. I've never believed in long distance, and I don't suspect I will be moving this summer without breaking things off first.
     
  16. musicman1991

    musicman1991 Senior Member
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    Tons of people are married or have kids in med school. God bless them and their kids because I don't think I could balance that!
     
  17. celticmists18

    celticmists18 california dreaming
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    Amen to that! Try this little test: Think about what kind of person you where when you graduated from high school (scary I know, but try). Now think about the person you are now . . . 99% of the population will be think "man I have changed soooo much in the last few years". I'm guessing you guys are in your early 20s which means you will change at least this much or more in the next 4-5 years. You could be a totally different person, wanting completely different things in relationships and life in general. Besides you guys are too young to be decided things based on what is best for "us". You are in your early 20s, this is the time when you are allowed to be selfish!

    I'm not a religious person but in trying to explain to people how I knew I wanted to be a doctor I have often compared it to people becoming priests, its a calling. You just know. If the calling isn't strong enough for you guys then by all means get married and have a family, but if you really truly want to be a doctor there can be no half way. Good Luck!
     
  18. MoCookiess

    MoCookiess Hater of Biochemistry
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    I think my main problem is trying to balance all the things in life that make me happy. My own career success is basically as important to me as my success as a person in a long-term relationship, as well as my success in having a life outside of said career and said relationship. And just to clarify something from my earlier post, I definitely wouldn't be having kids before med school, even if I get married. All I want at this point is a cute puppy, a nice salary, and a comfy bed to sleep in. Simple pleaseures are the best.
     

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