gunningwithscissors

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So I’ve gotta think this sort of thing happens from time to time, given the sort of forced camaraderie/stress of intern year. But I’ve found myself crushing pretty hard on someone in my cohort. This would be all well and good except that I’m married. Have others encountered this and generally found it to be a temporary no-harm no-foul kinda thing? Or is it possible this could intensify and have implications on my level of commitment to my spouse.
Thanks guys
 

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So I’ve gotta think this sort of thing happens from time to time, given the sort of forced camaraderie/stress of intern year. But I’ve found myself crushing pretty hard on someone in my cohort. This would be all well and good except that I’m married. Have others encountered this and generally found it to be a temporary no-harm no-foul kinda thing? Or is it possible this could intensify and have implications on my level of commitment to my spouse.
Thanks guys
You make it sound like you have no control over your actions or emotions. Things can intensify...if you let them. Just because you have a crush on someone doesn't mean that you have to act on it.
 
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TraumaLlamaMD

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As a new intern, you may well be seeing your co-residents more often than your family. More than likely, if your marriage was previously happy, your crush is just a subconscious means to cope with all the time you now have to spend at work, away from your family. Your brain wants to be spending time with someone you like. Try taking some special time to go out or do something novel with your spouse, even though you’re tired as hell. As to whether things will or could intensify with this other person, that’s 100% dependent on you.
 

Chemist0157

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I think you need to line up some time with your spouse when you have a chance. I would tread very lightly with this co-resident. Do not become another statistic.
 
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hallowmann

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You make it sound like you have no control over your actions or emotions. Things can intensify...if you let them. Just because you have a crush on someone doesn't mean that you have to act on it.
100% this. I would also bet OP is confusing liking a coresident they're spending a lot of time with with something more.

OP, if I were you, I would run, spend some time away from this person, and spend more time with your spouse if possible. Even if things don't work out with your spouse, ending things over a coresident you've known 2 mos would easily cause problems during residency and reputation-wise in the hospital. No good can come of this, so again, run.
 

GoSpursGo

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You make it sound like you have no control over your actions or emotions. Things can intensify...if you let them. Just because you have a crush on someone doesn't mean that you have to act on it.
Completely agree with this.

OP, you made a commitment. Plenty of people renege on commitments, and at the end of the day you have to do what's right for you. But don't pretend that there's anything special about your situation where the intensity of residency is leaving you no choice in the matter.
 

CaliforniaAppli

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Work place crushes happen. It happened to me during residency and it felt mutual. We flirted more than we should have and I know other people could tell as someone said something to me. That person probably saved my marriage. We never did anything more than talk but the feelings were there. I was married and still married today. The crush passed after a few months of finishing our rotation together. I am glad I didn’t fuel that fire further. The crush will pass just don’t feed it.
 

sb247

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So I’ve gotta think this sort of thing happens from time to time, given the sort of forced camaraderie/stress of intern year. But I’ve found myself crushing pretty hard on someone in my cohort. This would be all well and good except that I’m married. Have others encountered this and generally found it to be a temporary no-harm no-foul kinda thing? Or is it possible this could intensify and have implications on my level of commitment to my spouse.
Thanks guys
You’re married, it’s a foul

shut that sh-t down and stop being unfaithful in your emotions (if not already with actions). Feelings don’t impact your commitment level, your commitment level is a decision, make good decisions and honor them
 

Chlorini

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Workplace crushes are common. A close friend of mine had a workplace crush that led to an affair and eventually a divorce. After reflecting on why she cheated, she said she felt that her marriage had gotten too routine. She just wanted to feel "alive" and "wanted." IMO, she wasn't getting her emotional needs met. She stopped seeing the work guy once she realized she really wasn't into him in the first place. She was just having that "emotional need" met by the work guy. She's still single today and I don't think her marriage is salvageable. It's honestly really sad because she shares a daughter with her ex-spouse.

Marriage is hard and it's harder during residency. It's even harder if you have children. If something is wrong with your marriage, try counseling, spending more quality time together (not passive Netflix watching), talking about work, finding a hobby you can do together (cooking, exercise, yoga), etc. Marriage is not a passive activity and it's easy to fall into a routine (I know, I've been married > 10 years). Like you, I'm a busy intern and I've personally been doing at-home yoga (sometimes with alcohol) with my spouse for 30 minutes at night which has both been fun and different for us (we are not yoga-types, haha).

Try not to fixate on your work crush and focus on your spouse instead. If that doesn't work, imagine what your life would look like if you got a divorce and had to pay up to 25% of your total income in alimony to your spouse for the rest of your life. That should work.
 
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jurassicpark

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So I’ve gotta think this sort of thing happens from time to time, given the sort of forced camaraderie/stress of intern year. But I’ve found myself crushing pretty hard on someone in my cohort. This would be all well and good except that I’m married. Have others encountered this and generally found it to be a temporary no-harm no-foul kinda thing? Or is it possible this could intensify and have implications on my level of commitment to my spouse.
Thanks guys
This unfortunately is common. You are spending more time with your coworkers than you are with your wife unfortunately. Happens not only in residency, but pretty much everywhere in every sort of workplace environment.

First - You're married. Are you ready for a divorce? If not, focus on that. If you're lusting hard for someone not your wife you may want to seek help before it's too late.

Second - How do you know this other person has feelings for you back? You willing to wreck everything for this?

Third - Do not defecate where you work. This can spiral quickly to something very ugly for what, three minutes of pleasure? Don't do it, if not for the first two reasons above, then you can make your life a living hell for the next X amount of years. Not to mention possibly even uglier repercussions. When I was dating my wife, we first had to make sure it was serious then we kept it hidden from our co workers for awhile.

that being said, squash is good at this moment. I know easier said then done. Focus on your work, focus on your marriage.
 
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Wow. Maybe this will sound naive but goddamn is marriage such a farce. Without the harsh religious restrictions, what's the point?

To OP, do whatever you feel like doing. I feel sorry for your spouse.
 
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Chemist0157

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Wow. Maybe this will sound naive but goddamn is marriage such a farce. Without the harsh religious restrictions, what's the point?

To OP, do whatever you feel like doing. I feel sorry for your spouse.
Yeah, ask your crush if he/she wants to hook up with someone who just lost half his/her stuff.
 
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OP, I won't shame you because we are all vulnerable to temptation. That said, you are fast heading toward a "wtf did I do?" moment. Many marriages get wrecked by this kind of thing.

The scary part is that there is a good chance this other person is interested as well. If they're a single intern, their dating life is probably **** which can distort their judgement. Likewise, even if that person is in a relationship they're vulnerable to the same forces that are driving you. Trust no one and don't rely on him/her to manage the brakes. Assume they'd be down for whatever you'd ask.

Be proactive now or in two months you may revisit this thread filled with regret. Reduce the amount of time you spend with him/her and put it toward your own spouse. This weekend go on a spontaneous dinner date for no reason. Ask yourself if everything is ok at home with your own marriage.

Don't be passive about stamping this out, even if you can still rationalize the crush as innocent.
 

michaelrack

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If that doesn't work, imagine what your life would look like if you got a divorce and had to pay up to 25% of your total income in alimony to your spouse for the rest of your life. That should work.
Is that all it would cost? It's a good thing for me that I don't have a workplace crush and don't want to end my marriage
 

Chlorini

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Is that all it would cost? It's a good thing for me that I don't have a workplace crush and don't want to end my marriage
Depends on what his spouse does for a living (and if they put them through school), what state they live in, if they have kids, etc. The docs that I know that really had to pay out were all EM physicians for some reason. An EM attending I worked with actually told me he pays out $12,000 a MONTH to his first wife who he married at age 19. She helped him through med school. He was currently on his third wife. Another EM physician I worked with when I was a scribe knocked up a nurse and he got hit with alimony (from his ex-wife) and child support (nurse’s baby). The child support was around $10,000 a month or something crazy like that too!! My coworkers would joke (when he wasn’t there) that the nurse doubled her salary by sleeping with him :eek:.

The divorce itself will cost 60kish (at least that’s what it cost for two of my friends, both friends have kids and had homes).

I feel bad for the OP. We are all susceptible to temptation. Just don’t act on it!

A marriage can end for a variety of reasons and it really does take two. I suggest the OP do everything in his power to save it, but sometimes you can’t. Marry wisely, my friends!
 

Groove

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So I’ve gotta think this sort of thing happens from time to time, given the sort of forced camaraderie/stress of intern year. But I’ve found myself crushing pretty hard on someone in my cohort. This would be all well and good except that I’m married. Have others encountered this and generally found it to be a temporary no-harm no-foul kinda thing? Or is it possible this could intensify and have implications on my level of commitment to my spouse.
Thanks guys
Do you have kids? Is it a new marriage? There's not enough information to give you any sort of relevant advice.

I got married during my intern year and filed for divorce 1.5 yrs later and it was completed before I graduated. It was one of the most painful, depressing and expensive things I could have gone through, or so I thought at the time. It was a huge distraction from residency, especially in my last year. In hindsight, I'm glad it happened when it did as it would have been exponentially more expensive as an attending. Luckily we did not have any kids.

In some ways, I can relate to you. I would spare you that pain if I could. It cost me about 150K including lawyer fees (both) and alimony.

I've got a trauma surgeon buddy of mine that went through a divorce not long ago and he pays an obscene amount every month. I think it's on the order of 12K/mo and he has to pay that for at least 7-8 years. Child support for 10-12 years.
 
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sb247

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Depends on what his spouse does for a living (and if they put them through school), what state they live in, if they have kids, etc. The docs that I know that really had to pay out were all EM physicians for some reason. An EM attending I worked with actually told me he pays out $12,000 a MONTH to his first wife who he married at age 19. She helped him through med school. He was currently on his third wife. Another EM physician I worked with when I was a scribe knocked up a nurse and he got hit with alimony (from his ex-wife) and child support (nurse’s baby). The child support was around $10,000 a month or something crazy like that too!! My coworkers would joke (when he wasn’t there) that the nurse doubled her salary by sleeping with him :eek:.

The divorce itself will cost 60kish (at least that’s what it cost for two of my friends, both friends have kids and had homes).

I feel bad for the OP. We are all susceptible to temptation. Just don’t act on it!

A marriage can end for a variety of reasons and it really does take two. I suggest the OP do everything in his power to save it, but sometimes you can’t. Marry wisely, my friends!
The nurse did double their salary
 
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Saddleshoes

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Everybody so far is talking about the effect on the marriage.
I would like to point out, that a romance at work can really screwup work relationships too. Not just the two lovebirds but everyone around them too.
 

Groove

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Everybody so far is talking about the effect on the marriage.
I would like to point out, that a romance at work can really screwup work relationships too. Not just the two lovebirds but everyone around them too.
And you can never keep it secret. The entire hospital and residency will know about it. It's even more dangerous these days for men with the hospital hypersensitivity to sexual harassment claims.

That being said, some people apparently can pull it off. We had a traveler couple that met in residency as co-residents. He got a divorce, they both got married and then upon graduation started doing full time locums together. I had to always schedule them on overlapping shifts in the ED since it was part of their contract.
 

RangerBob

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One of my co-residents dated a co-resident that was one year off from us. We were a small program (6/year).

It could’ve gone worse. But it certainly didn’t go well. And they still had another 2 years together in training after they broke up. It was rather awkward for all of us.
 
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