Chemistry undergrad feeling very hopeless

[benjikki]

This is my first time on this website, and I found it at a very good time because the past week has been one of the most hopeless. I'm a third year chemistry and psychology double major and I just finished my first midterms. My first two years were iffy and my GPA right now is 2.6 which upsets me a lot because I know I'm better than that.. I have a lot of excuses for this, and so much has happened to me outside of school those two years, but what upsets me is that this is my first semester where I'm not either in the middle of serious depression while working part time or just working full time without much personal issues, yet I'm still not doing good, I should have no excuse this time around. People tell me I'm too hard on myself and I have been in difficult situations, yet I stayed determined. I'm just sick of it, I'm sick of staying strong and grinding my way to that C+ or B-. Over the summer I finally decided what I wanted to do with my life, and I was in between Physical Therapy and Sports Medicine Physician, and later down the years I wanted to open up my own Taekwondo school and teach various things as well as have my own gym as a part of the school.
Back to my midterms; I did average on Inorganic and Biology, but I did below average on my Research methods class (what is supposed to be the easiest class this semester) and getting a 55/200 on my Physical Chemistry exam. I know I could probably bust it to get that C/B but I've never been this upset with myself since my girlfriend broke up with me a year and a half ago. I couldn't sleep for a couple days and yesterday I cried all night. I've had suicidal thoughts and suffered from intense depression before, but I was never this frail. I feel so empty and hopeless with myself. I actually feel dumb, and I know I'm not, I just didn't work hard enough, yet I feel intellectually behind everyone around me, I feel like everyone looks down on me, I'm ashamed of myself. I can't stop questioning my purpose in life. I feel so lonely lately, like I don't matter and everyone I know is starting to drift and forget about me. I suddenly don't have the motivation to live and fight for myself. Sometimes I feel like old friends are against me (or maybe I'm being paranoid again) and I'm a walking disappointment to everyone who looks up to me. I guess I just don't feel like I'm doing the right thing or I'm not doing what makes me happy, but I'm stubborn and want to prove to myself I can do this. I have nowhere else to go if I quit school, so I feel stuck with all this work and I want to give up.. I have a passionate reason to wanting to go to Med school or Physical Therapy school, yet it seems I'm not as passionate as others.. I don't care about the money, I want to help athletes like me who suffer serious injuries and are held back to continue growing and becoming stronger. This has become my only reason to live lately, of course I have many personal goals I want to achieve but in this world, without a decent job, doing what I love, my life seems like it's for someone else that doesn't care about me. I don't want to work at Target for the rest of my life, or work 80 hours a week doing retail or whatever, I get enough of it now.

I guess what I need to know, is if I can still do this? Can I somehow get into medical school and what should I do? What about Physical Therapy? Is that not an option at this point either? I haven't spent any time shadowing, or doing internships, as I have to work and run the Taekwondo Club at my university and I wanted to focus on my grades for now, but clearly I don't seem capable of even that. I can push myself to cheer up and get back to normal, and I'm sure I'll do okay on the next exams like always but I'm here right now because I've been contemplating the past few nights whether or not I'm a waste and everything I'm doing is meaningless and a waste of time because of my past. Is there a way to get a second chance at any of this, or is there nothing I can do with what I am right now? I've lived most of my life without a purpose and as I grow up I can't seem to live with myself unless I have an actual purpose, which is helping people. I know I have the potential to do great things, but not being constantly above average like I was in High School, I don't feel good enough, and my dreams are falling apart as a result. Thank you to anyone who reads all of this, I know it's a lot, and maybe I'm in the wrong place for help, but I would appreciate thoughts on how others would go about this situation.

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[PT2Bee]

I think you need to seek help. I don't mean that in a condescending or disrespectful way, but I am concerned with some of the thoughts that I read. Getting into PT school and pulling the GPA to do so is one thing, but questioning your purpose in life is another. PT is another animal, if you are stressed during undergrad, you will not make it through grad school. I don't mean that to be harsh, but i feel like grad school is too big of a commitment to sugar coat it and tell people a false reality. You need to find the appropriate coping mechanisms and work through some of these issues. I wish you the best.

 

[starrsgirl]

I agree that you should reach out to a professional at this point. I have found so much support on this board, but it's also wonderful for someone to get to know you in person to help all the specifics. I'll keep my story brief. You absolutely can turn it around. Everything is still on the table. I was a 2.5 GPA failed pre med myself. I was also devastated by the hole I put myself in. So please just know it IS possible....I'm now in my last year of PT school and doing well.

If I could give one piece of advice to my younger self...take a "break" from these pre-PT/pre-med classes now until you get your head straight. In other words, take a break from school and work a little or just take OTHER classes that aren't pre-med/pre-PT focused. Leave those classes alone for a minute. In that break, do some volunteering/shadowing/working until you find that connection to what you want to do. When you find that passion again, then going back to the classes will be no problem. Again, coming from experience, it's very hard to give everything you have to a certain class if you have so many questions about your path. Once I really figured out my passion and made a plan, THEN I was ready to get back to school and do really well.

Also, I know it's hard to believe this now too...but there is no time crunch. I don't know how old you are, but you don't have to get this all done right now. There are lots of older/non trad students these days. Although I regret some dumb decisions I made as an undergrad, I do NOT regret being an older student now. My life experience, work experience and perspective I gained before I went back to school has really made schooling a low stress experience. If you decide break for a bit and go back to school in the future, that's perfectly acceptable.

 

[DPThopeful1859]

I definitely agree seeking some psychological help would be super beneficial for you. We've all had conflicting life events happen to us at some point in our lives that has interrupted normal functioning and feeling, but getting back on track is important for you on so many levels. I know I went through a bad break up myself during undergrad and post-bac classes too, as well as having a father who wanted to commit suicide, but who luckily did not. I sought counseling just to mentally get myself back on track to focus my main attention on trying to get into PT school. It took my 6-7 years to finally get in somewhere and it happened this year Don't get overwhelmed with everything at once. Focusing on YOU and YOUR HEALTH is top priority. Everything else after that will follow suit. There is no timeline for you to follow for getting into school. Trust me, I felt so ridiculous it took so long to get to where I am now, but looking back at what I went through, everything was worth it to get to where I am now. I know you can get there too

 

[beyoutiful_sunshine]

Hey
I agree with the previous post that you should look into talking to a counselor... maybe your school has a free counseling center you can utilize ? Also do you have a loved one (friend, family) you feel close enough to share those things you shared here? Maybe they can help.
School IS tough. It's not easy and a lot of people stumble along the road, you are not the only one and failing doesn't make you dumb.

It looks like you have an idea of what you want to do but still hesitate between 2 paths, it also looks like you need some time for yourself. You might want to take a break from those hard classes, breathe, maybe work at the Taekwondo studio? It seems to make you happy. You don't want the only reason you're alive to be school because then if it doesn't work out .... what happens?
Your health is more important than anything. You are valuable. There are people in your life that care about you and would be devastated to lose you. You are valuable. There are strangers in this forum who take the time to respond to you... why? Because you are valuable.

Take a break. Talk to someone. Don't go through this alone. Make the time to do something that makes you happy. Work on getting this joy to be alive back into your life. Then and only then you can think about a game plan for PT/Med school. In French we have a saying that goes something like this "step back to jump further". It seems like that's exactly what you need to do.
Step back. Work on getting these suicidal thoughts out of your head. Work on being happy again... just work on yourself. School can wait. And most importantly, school isn't nearly as important as you are.

 

[ImAToysRUsKid]

I decided to sign up and respond to your post as I can relate to many of the things you've said.

First, to answer your question, yes you can still pull this off but you have your work cut out for you. I wouldn't dwell on the first two years either simply because you have no control over the past - it's done. You do have control over today and tomorrow. Having said that, PT admissions looks at the whole picture - not just GPA. Even when accounting for GPA, some tend to place heavier weight on the last 60 credits. If you struggled initially, state that. The PT application allows you to explain for less than ideal grades or semesters because we all go through ****. Most of us go through turbulent times - especially in the early part of adulthood - and its bound to affect our performance.

To address the other forces at play: I'd recommend seeing a therapist if you aren't already doing so. I've had my "run-in's" with anxiety and depression and I should have sought help at the first signs instead of waiting until I was at my wits end. All the things you've said resonated with me. The hopelessness, shame, embarrassment, guilt are all part of depression. You may not be in the thick of a bout of depression like you say, but these are some underlying issues that should be addressed. I have felt this pressure of judgement around peers, friends and family. I have spent a lot of time thinking about what others thought about me and it was bordering on paranoia. I had to learn how to step back and say to myself, "So ****ing What!?" We care too much! How easy it would be if we didn't give a damn!

Last thing I'd like to address: I, too, have thought about how everything would be meaningless if I didn't do this or that or if I don't get in. Currently, I have already graduated undergraduate school and I've submitted my PT applications earlier this month. I'm also taking a few prerequisite courses too. I've invested a lot of myself into this. But I have to be OK with the fact that I might not get in. If you set yourself up in this "all-or-nothing" frame of thinking, then that's a bit of a dangerous slope. I am not trying to discourage you from becoming a PT but I'm suggesting that you not equate PT to success or happiness. There's PTA, OT, OTA just to name a few - that's within the scope of rehabilitation therapy.

Check out BigNoKnow's channel on youtube. I found his videos to be very insightful and helpful. I found out about him because I struggled with low testosterone like him which can manifest in depression. Could be a shot in the dark but see if you have any of the symptoms of low testosterone for yourself.

Hang in there!

 

[Michael_Scott]

You are pretty strong person. Keep grinding and you will get there. Many have been in your shoes. Relax, it will be alright. You are not alone. Many people are going through what you are going and you can overcome this bump in the road.
A counsellor might help you get back on track by helping you take out the unnecessary things in your life and help you focus.
Don't be involved in too much things at a time. You are capable but putting on a lot of things on your plate (I did the same thing). Make a strict schedule of your studying and everything else comes after that (including friends, volunteering, interships, etc)...Right now your focus is getting into a DPT program by studying harder and not engaging in things you don't need to do.
Now, I think if you want to be a DPT, you should pursue either chemistry or psychology, but not both. I think that is way too much stress on you both mentally and academically. I also see no point as people get into DPT school without even finishing up their bachelors. I'd lean towards chemistry.
Take a deep breath. I understand the pain and confusion you are going through. You are not frail, you are a human. We are all frail. You are just going through a moment in your life where this will build you up and make you a greater person than you already are. Take this as a challenge, a challenge that will build you up and help you gain endurance and perseverance.