Completely Burnt Out Even After Being Accepted

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CuriosityKillsMe

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After 8 years, I've finally been accepted into medical school, an MD. The road I've taken to become accepted has been filled with anguish and pain that would be hard to describe in a short post, but to shed some light without giving away too much personal information, I've overcome poverty, homelessness, and almost losing the only family I have. This was the very core of my application to medical school, but the very thing that stopped me from applying my first cycle. For some reason, I procrastinated applying to medical school for 2 years since I was an overrepresented minority, had a 3.5 GPA and a 517 MCAT, believing I wouldn't be accepted anywhere. Because I had already submitted primaries for whatever reason, and I qualified for FAP, I submitted my secondaries in October/November. Yet, I was still met with two interviews and a few interview waitlists (who knew that was even a thing), and later actual waitlists from schools I never thought would consider me. I was elated at the potential of attending such prestigious medical schools. I did my best in the interim to volunteer and go out and be productive with my time and was "hyped" to reapply on time. After reading that reapplicants are viewed differently, I had lost my ambition. I tried to regroup by convincing myself that the only way of getting into medical school was scoring above a 520 on the MCAT. This tunnel vision I had detracted from everything, yet ironically, I did zero studying, since I convinced myself that 3 measly points would be easily obtainable. After rescheduling my test three times and receiving the same score, yet a different breakdown, I again applied late in October and November and didn't even properly apply, only sending out secondaries to less than ten schools. Unsurprisingly, I didn't hear back from any schools, not even the ones I interviewed nor waitlisted at on my first time around. I told myself that my third attempt at applying to medical school would be my last. I had ran out of FAP (due toa previous year that I wasted) and so I paid out of pocket and applied to 40 schools. Yet, it seemed futile. I was rejected by schools that had waitlisted me, what would change. But ironically, I would get a burst of motivation that would wane and I only sent in around ten secondaries again on the last day possible. The one school that interviewed me accepted me. I wasn't met with a wave of emotions, instead I was so tired from the process inside, I contemplated telling my family for an entire week.

Looking back, I half-assed every single aspect of my application. I second guessed myself every single chance I had, and I messed up. Without giving up too much information, I work in education and I've seen what privilege affords. I thought that compared to the obscene amount of money people have to spend on essay writers, application advisors, I had no chance. When I was invited for interviews, I was so happy to be proven wrong, but then I hated myself for not believing in myself sooner. It eats me up inside to think that I had the chance of attending my dream school if I had applied sooner, if I had believed in myself. I know that I have no one to blame but myself, but now after being accepted, I'm burnt out. I was so burnt out that I was close to ending things. I've finally gotten the satisfaction of being accepted to an MD, but this process has taken something from me that I'll never get back. The mistakes I made have been incredibly elucidating and shows what procrastination can do, regardless of the cause. But how can I start medical school when I can barely pick up a pencil because I'm so burnt out by the process?
 
Please, please see a counselor (one who can offer you diagnosis and treatment). Thinking of “ending things” is very dangerous! Medical school is tough enough without starting off in a bad state of mind.
 
Your story hits really close to home. It's really hard to convey to people who grew up with adequate circumstances how not being able to meet your own basic needs creates an enduring and deeply held core belief of inferiority and unworthiness in a person. To work in education and learn its history through figures like Freire and Foucault can push you into borderline existential crisis: not necessarily because the system broadly is unfair and continues to be (although, that too), but because you realize even medicine, the most altruistic of altruistic professions, is no sanctuary from that injustice.

The reality remains that not only is the barrier to entry artificially and unnecessarily high (we have the most requirements but not the best patient care outcomes globally), but also that so much of navigating medicine requires a financial, social, and institutional fluency not everybody learns in childhood, if at all. I can see you gaslighting yourself by saying you shouldn't have doubted yourself: you're clearly not an idiot...everyone's risk tolerance is limitless when they're speaking in hypotheticals, but it's a different story when it's your life and the consequences are material and immediate. In many situations throughout this process, I've had to make a stupid amount of ultimatums with myself—do I want to buy X resource I need for medical school, or do I want to eat this week? That kind of calculus makes living in a "freeze" state not only understandable, but self-protective. Of course you couldn't bring yourself to do it all perfectly. You're geeked out on cortisol.

After a decade working on this, I have an "impressive" application to medical school. But the truth is, I feel like a huge impostor. I read my own personal statement and piece together the memories and reflections in my mind's eye, but I don't think of them as accomplishments. I was doing what I had to do to survive; and moving forward as best as I could with what I viewed as my only opportunity to foreclose the possibility of ever living in poverty again. That I was profoundly intellectually interested in medicine absolutely came second to job security, and it wasn't even close.

And so, I guess all of this to say, I understand. Of course this feels violent in some ways. Under certain circumstances, pursuing this goal can be a form of self-harm, because of what it requires from you—the unfamiliar shapes it asks you to bend body and soul just to be considered adequate. The cost is obviously not just in resources, time, or even effort...this path absolutely shapes your identity. It's perfectly human to find yourself at the finish line, look behind you, and realize you ran an extreme Ninja Warrior military obstacle course while others Segway-ed on a flat track and feel frustrated by that realization.

But the fact remains: you're here. You did it.

The way forward involves not forgetting what you learned, and talking about it. Integrate it into your practice. Think about where your lessons intersect with your values and apply them in ways that ensure the road is smoother for the next student coming up after you. Hold the door open.

Channel all of that frustration, all of that disillusionment, into making the world a better place; leaving something better than the state you found it in.

Pick up that pencil. It is your one and only sword.
 
Please go see a doctor and a counselor.

Edit: also I second asking for a deferral. I had some personal stuff go on as an M3 and if I could have taken a LOA, I would have. I just didn’t perform at my best during that time. Nothing wrong with taking a bit of a break.
 
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OP, you're in no condition to start Medical school. It's a furnace and I've seen it break even healthy people.

Go see a counselor stat. If you were throwing up blood, you'd go see a doctor right away, right? This is no different. It is time to seek care. Ask for a deferral if needed.
 
On burnout in medical school (reddit from 2009 to 2018 study):
When the causes of burnout were interpreted using an existential psychodynamic framework, the predominant themes that arose were difficulties dealing with freedom (groundlessness), existential isolation, and meaninglessness, rather than death anxiety stemming from witnessing the suffering of patients. Students feel as if they are not living up to their own values of what a physician should be like and are troubled by the inconsistent values within the hidden, informal, and formal curriculum. Individualized interventions are temporary fixes that allow people to withstand their environment and complete their training; however, the learning environment needs change to better empower students to live a life full of existential meaning.

You are not ready for medical school. If you can't let go of the regrets, the self-doubt, and the emotional clouds surrounding your years-long application journey, you won't be able to receive/accept the future you have spent so much effort to get.

You can ask for a deferral. You can even see if the medical school can refer you to a psychologist/counselor. You can also walk away, but have something to walk towards (and have a counselor before you do it). No text line counselor; no AI counselor... a real bona fide clinical PsyD/PhD or similar.

For the sake of the future downtrodden applicant who has been similarly humbled by the admissions process, take your personal wellness seriously and do the right thing.
 
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First of all, congratulations. Despite everything that's happened, you're in. But make sure that you're in a place where you can take advantage of this opportunity and that means taking care of yourself. Looking back almost 7 years ago, one of the best things I did was listen to someone who suggested finding a psychologist who could provide the tools that one needs when facing the furnace that Goro referenced - and I wasn't even close to being in your situation. Took a couple of tries to find someone I felt comfortable with (med school was happy to make suggestions), but just knowing they were there made all the difference. Found out later that my SO did the same, and they ended up being a psychiatrist (and remains in touch with their psychologist).
 
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