Critique my Scholarship Essay please (Only 500 words)

[Raazak]

That's 1 1/2 pages double spaced. I'd like to start off by thanking you immensely for spending time on this, since it is very important to me ($4k is a lot for po' folk like me). I would especially like to hear opinions from those who have had successful experiences writing scholarship essays, or have reviewed competitive academic essays.

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Prompt: Describe what opportunities you believe are available at UCR that will help you achieve your personal and educational goals and what you will contribute to campus life.

Link of the application itself, if you want more info: http://www.alumni.ucr.edu/about/freshappUCR.htm
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In 20 years I see myself founding a community clinic to serve exceptionally needy individuals who do not have access to healthcare. In 10 years I see myself entering the medical field, working diligently to improve the lives of others, and taking on new challenges, risks, and opportunities as I grow not only as doctor but as an individual. Next year, I see myself stepping onto a campus where my professors will be personable, knowledgeable, and helpful. Classes will be filled with bright and motivated students. I will have resources at my disposal that rank among the best in the nation. I will have the opportunity to bring my dedication, integrity, and intelligent to a campus where I will not be inhibited by large class sizes, aloof administration, or lack of support. Next year, I see myself at UCR.

UCR was my first choice when applying to different colleges for the variety of admirable people, first-rate programs, and affordability. I am ecstatic that I can receive a first-rate medical education with an emphasis on aiding the disadvantaged in the Thomas Haider Program in Biomedical Sciences. In addition, the program would give me the opportunity to serve the community and learn from various local professionals in health-related fields. Also, I can challenge and enrich myself academically as well as socially with superb students and staff in the University Honors Program. Furthermore as part of FastStart I could build a foundation of college-level math and science, only available at UCR. Additionally, as a member of the Medical Scholars Program I would be surrounding myself with gifted and determined students; the program would also develop skills necessary to succeed during my undergraduate studies, medical school and eventual career. Lastly, the relatively low cost of the university makes it easier on my family to afford college expenses, and I will not have to give up an excellent education.

I have kept my motivation, optimism, academic and athletic excellence, and integrity in the face of numerous obstacles, throughout my life and this will not change once I am at UCR. I will keep my earnest passion in not only gaining knowledge in the classroom, but being a leader and more complete individual at UCR. Aiding others, whether in or out of the classroom is something I will commit myself to during college. Resilience is not something unknown to me, as I have had to deal with hardships my entire life including my father's absence for five years of my life, my mother being forced to raise my family in a single-parent household, and being on welfare. Yet I still managed to work diligently in the pursuit of my goals. Through my actions I hope to show the community that the best and brightest go to UCR. I am delighted to have the chance to bring my commitment, compassion, dedication, integrity, and intelligence to the campus, and hope to make a permanent and positive impact on society through my own work and aiding others in theirs.

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Again, thanks a lot.

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[imamom]

In your last paragraph, you need to redo the sentence about your mother "...being forced..." and "...being on welfare." Use active instead of passive voice. Your last sentence is the only one that addresses what you will bring to UCR and that is just generalization. Can you mention a specific or 2 before you conclude your essay?

Good luck. I'm a retired professional proofreader and ex-high school English teacher who's read more pre-med essays and scholarships essays than I ever thought I would!

 

[Raazak]

In your last paragraph, you need to redo the sentence about your mother "...being forced..." and "...being on welfare." Use active instead of passive voice. Your last sentence is the only one that addresses what you will bring to UCR and that is just generalization. Can you mention a specific or 2 before you conclude your essay?

Good luck. I'm a retired professional proofreader and ex-high school English teacher who's read more pre-med essays and scholarships essays than I ever thought I would!

Thank you so much. The entire last paragraph is dedicated to what I will bring to UCR. Any examples for switching the sentences you pointed out. I can't seem to do it without making it awkward, or grammatically incorrect.

 

[bootylicious]

Your first paragraph is very catchy and attracts your reader.

In addition to imamom's response about your mom being "forced," your essay must not convey any negative feelings to the reader unless you successfully twist your idea into a positive one (your word choices are important).When you are writing about what you think you might contribute to the campus provide some concrete examples and mention what you've gained and learned from that experience.

That's just my 2 cents...




- I have been writing personal statements which have attracted research programs and universities

 

[Raazak]

Your first paragraph is very catchy and attracts your reader.

In addition to imamom's response about your mom being "forced," your essay must not convey any negative feelings to the reader unless you successfully twist your idea into a positive one (your word choices are important).When you are writing about what you think you might contribute to the campus provide some concrete examples and mention what you've gained and learned from that experience.

That's just my 2 cents...




- I have been writing personal statements which have attracted research programs and universities

I appreciate the compliment. Also I edited the last paragraph a bit, with an attempt to add active voice where imamom wanted it. Did I succeed?

 

[Summer Sweet]

At the end of the first paragraph, I think you mean "intelligence" instead of "intelligent".

 

[Raazak]

At the end of the first paragraph, I think you mean "intelligence" instead of "intelligent".

Sweet, nice catch, thanks.

 

[Ihateverbal]

i think you need to have it grammar checked beacsue the first sentence doesn't even sound right...

 

[bubabugster]

I like the overall content of your essay, but here are some quick suggestions:


1) Use active voice--(try getting rid of --ing endings)
2) Sometimes you repeat "at UCR" in your sentences too much and it becomes redundant.
3) Try to give examples as proof backing up statements such as "I want to help other people"-- Describe a situation in which you helped someone; writing like that will make you more personable to the reader.

Good luck!

 

[8744]

That's 1 1/2 pages double spaced. I'd like to start off by thanking you immensely for spending time on this, since it is very important to me ($4k is a lot for po' folk like me). I would especially like to hear opinions from those who have had successful experiences writing scholarship essays, or have reviewed competitive academic essays.

--------
Prompt: Describe what opportunities you believe are available at UCR that will help you achieve your personal and educational goals and what you will contribute to campus life.

Link of the application itself, if you want more info: http://www.alumni.ucr.edu/about/freshappUCR.htm
---------
In 20 years I see myself founding a community clinic to serve exceptionally needy individuals who do not have access to healthcare. In 10 years I see myself entering the medical field, working diligently to improve the lives of others, and taking on new challenges, risks, and opportunities as I grow not only as doctor but as an individual. Next year, I see myself stepping onto a campus where my professors will be personable, knowledgeable, and helpful. Classes will be filled with bright and motivated students. I will have resources at my disposal that rank among the best in the nation. I will have the opportunity to bring my dedication, integrity, and intelligent to a campus where I will not be inhibited by large class sizes, aloof administration, or lack of support. Next year, I see myself at UCR.

UCR was my first choice when applying to different colleges for the variety of admirable people, first-rate programs, and affordability. I am ecstatic that I can receive a first-rate medical education with an emphasis on aiding the disadvantaged in the Thomas Haider Program in Biomedical Sciences. In addition, the program would give me the opportunity to serve the community and learn from various local professionals in health-related fields. Also, I can challenge and enrich myself academically as well as socially with superb students and staff in the University Honors Program. Furthermore as part of FastStart I could build a foundation of college-level math and science, only available at UCR. Additionally, as a member of the Medical Scholars Program I would be surrounding myself with gifted and determined students; the program would also develop skills necessary to succeed during my undergraduate studies, medical school and eventual career. Lastly, the relatively low cost of the university makes it easier on my family to afford college expenses, and I will not have to give up an excellent education.

I have kept my motivation, optimism, academic and athletic excellence, and integrity in the face of numerous obstacles, throughout my life and this will not change once I am at UCR. I will keep my earnest passion in not only gaining knowledge in the classroom, but being a leader and more complete individual at UCR. Aiding others, whether in or out of the classroom is something I will commit myself to during college. Resilience is not something unknown to me, as I have had to deal with hardships my entire life including my father's absence for five years of my life, my mother being forced to raise my family in a single-parent household, and being on welfare. Yet I still managed to work diligently in the pursuit of my goals. Through my actions I hope to show the community that the best and brightest go to UCR. I am delighted to have the chance to bring my commitment, compassion, dedication, integrity, and intelligence to the campus, and hope to make a permanent and positive impact on society through my own work and aiding others in theirs.

----------------------------------------------

Again, thanks a lot.

Full of spelling errors, cliches, and the usual vomit-inducing prose so typical of this sort of thing. I cringed many time while forcing myself to wade through your droning, lifeless essay.

Hey, here's a thought. Why not just make a bulleted list instead of writing an essay?

Dear Admission Office,

1. Welfare. (check)
2. Will work for access to health care. (check)
3. Like challenges. (check)
4. Best and brightest. (check)
5. Goals. (check)
6. Compassion. (check)

Sincerely,

Razaak


Seriously though, although I'm sure this is the kind of thing they expect, why not try to be a little creative?

 

[chad5871]

In 20 years I see....

You need to spell out "20" - i.e. "twenty." [QUOTE="The Grammar Bible" by Strumpf]Always spell out numbers (including years) at the beginning of sentences. Within a sentence, spell the numbers zero through ninety-nine, and write the numbers 100 and higher by using digits.[/QUOTE]

 

[8744]

That's 1 1/2 pages double spaced. I'd like to start off by thanking you immensely for spending time on this, since it is very important to me ($4k is a lot for po' folk like me). I would especially like to hear opinions from those who have had successful experiences writing scholarship essays, or have reviewed competitive academic essays.

--------
Prompt: Describe what opportunities you believe are available at UCR that will help you achieve your personal and educational goals and what you will contribute to campus life.

Link of the application itself, if you want more info: http://www.alumni.ucr.edu/about/freshappUCR.htm
---------
In 20 years I see myself founding a community clinic to serve exceptionally needy individuals who do not have access to healthcare. In 10 years I see myself entering the medical field, working diligently to improve the lives of others, and taking on new challenges, risks, and opportunities as I grow not only as doctor but as an individual. Next year, I see myself stepping onto a campus where my professors will be personable, knowledgeable, and helpful. Classes will be filled with bright and motivated students. I will have resources at my disposal that rank among the best in the nation. I will have the opportunity to bring my dedication, integrity, and intelligent to a campus where I will not be inhibited by large class sizes, aloof administration, or lack of support. Next year, I see myself at UCR.

UCR was my first choice when applying to different colleges for the variety of admirable people, first-rate programs, and affordability. I am ecstatic that I can receive a first-rate medical education with an emphasis on aiding the disadvantaged in the Thomas Haider Program in Biomedical Sciences. In addition, the program would give me the opportunity to serve the community and learn from various local professionals in health-related fields. Also, I can challenge and enrich myself academically as well as socially with superb students and staff in the University Honors Program. Furthermore as part of FastStart I could build a foundation of college-level math and science, only available at UCR. Additionally, as a member of the Medical Scholars Program I would be surrounding myself with gifted and determined students; the program would also develop skills necessary to succeed during my undergraduate studies, medical school and eventual career. Lastly, the relatively low cost of the university makes it easier on my family to afford college expenses, and I will not have to give up an excellent education.

I have kept my motivation, optimism, academic and athletic excellence, and integrity in the face of numerous obstacles, throughout my life and this will not change once I am at UCR. I will keep my earnest passion in not only gaining knowledge in the classroom, but being a leader and more complete individual at UCR. Aiding others, whether in or out of the classroom is something I will commit myself to during college. Resilience is not something unknown to me, as I have had to deal with hardships my entire life including my father's absence for five years of my life, my mother being forced to raise my family in a single-parent household, and being on welfare. Yet I still managed to work diligently in the pursuit of my goals. Through my actions I hope to show the community that the best and brightest go to UCR. I am delighted to have the chance to bring my commitment, compassion, dedication, integrity, and intelligence to the campus, and hope to make a permanent and positive impact on society through my own work and aiding others in theirs.

----------------------------------------------

Again, thanks a lot.

The bolded parts need to be removed or re-worded as they are either cliches, over-the-top, smarmy, excessively self-aggrandizing, or just funny-sounding.

You need to find a voice in your writing and it doesn't necessarily have to be bureaucratese.

 

[backrow]

Full of spelling errors, cliches, and the usual vomit-inducing prose so typical of this sort of thing. I cringed many time while forcing myself to wade through your droning, lifeless essay.

Hey, here's a thought. Why not just make a bulleted list instead of writing an essay?

Dear Admission Office,

1. Welfare. (check)
2. Will work for access to health care. (check)
3. Like challenges. (check)
4. Best and brightest. (check)
5. Goals. (check)
6. Compassion. (check)

Sincerely,

Razaak


Seriously though, although I'm sure this is the kind of thing they expect, why not try to be a little creative?

I was just speeding through the responses without looking at the poster and when I saw this reply I was like, 'oh, that has to be pandabear' and sure enough. Too funny

I agree with the horrible necessity of these type of essays. I'm just glad I don't sit on an adcom and have to read all those things

 

[imamom]

Hello Razaak,

I'm sending you my thoughts and revisions on your essay via e-mail as a word document. Do with it what you will. Many who responded had good criticisms and I've incorporated those. However, since this is a scholarship application, I'd avoid doing the quirky, albeit original, thing. I take it you are just embarking on your college career. The best advice I can offer you is get a job related to medicine starting Freshman year. Work in a lab (even if you start by washing test tubes), whatever, but the fact that you can hold down a job for 4 years while maintaining your GPA looks great and it may lead to greater things down the road--did for my son whose Work-Study job got him a published paper in cancer research.

Happy to help you. Good luck. Now I've got to work on my taxes so the medical schools can tell me what a couple of retirees can afford to pay for their son's med. education despite already having $76K in PLUS loans out!!