critique my writing sample

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batista_123

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aamc 10.
Topic 1: Progress often complicates as much as it simplifies.

Progress is a process that makes something better. For example, if someone speaks no English and then takes some classes and starts making grammatically correct English sentences, then we can say "this person has made progress." The purpose of progress is to make something better, more efficient, or simply to make one's life easier. However, sometimes progress does not make life easier, but more comlicated. For instance, during the Cold War, the Soviet Union and the United States were engaged in a comptetition to go to the moon for the first time. Although we ended up being there first, this progress in science made our relationship with the USSR and with the rest of the world more complicated because it brought about a sense of lack of trust among countries, and this made international commerce (importing and exporting of goods) more complicated. On the other hand, there are instances in which progress simplifies more than it complicates.

There are many examples in which progress simplifies things more than it complicates. Before the invention of the telephone, people had to send messages thru a "messenger" who would take a written message from one individual, and weeks later the intended recipient would receive the message. With the progress of technology, we can now dial our friends' phone numbers by pressing ten buttons and we are connected to them instantly. Instead of taking weeks, the message gets to the recipient immediately.

Progress complicates more than it simplifies if it the result of an unhealthy competition between different entities. If the competition between the USSR and the USA did not exist, the the event of our landing on the moon would have opened doors to a simpler future. On the other hand, if there is no jealousy among individuals, then the progress of one human being makes the life of another human being simpler.

Topic 2: Laws cannot change social values

One's social values are all the beliefs that one holds regarding matters that pertain to the society. Sometimes, it is true that laws cannot change social values. For example, although it is illegal for an employer to discriminate against an employee based on sex, race, and sexual orienation, there are still a lot of people in America today who are unfortunately still not convince that all people are created equal. There are many people who do not give up their beliefs simply because "the law says so" and they continue to discrimnate against minotities. Last year in Indiana an aspiring police officer who was applying for a job in law enforcement was turned down because of his sexual orientation. Although the people who refused to give the man a job due to his sexual orientation were suspended without pay, nothing changed in the beliefs of those employers and to this day, they still claim a homosexual is not fit for the position of being a police officer. However, there are also situations in which law can change social values.

There are many situations in which laws can change people's social values. An example of a law that has signicantly changed people's social values are gun-ownership laws. People in the United States view the right to bear arms as the right to protect one's own safety, because the law says they can bear arms. However, people in countries that do not allow ordinary citizens to carry guns view guns as dangerous and they do not even have the desire to own guns. It is possible to determine when laws can and cannot change social values.

Laws can change social values if the law makes sense to the people that are supposed to obey it. For example, the gun law makes logical sense to people who are concerned about their own safety, so it changes people's beliefs about guns. However, if a law does not seem to have a logical basis and it is to be obeyed without knowing it basis, then people might obey it, but they will not change their beliefs regarding the social values that the law is trying to address.

PS i made up that example about indiana...
ok after reading these i realize some of my sentences are so sloppy and poorly written! i dont know what i was thinking.

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I'm not 100% used to MCAT writing samples, so I'm assuming it follows the "interpret, counterexample, what you think" formula.

Topic 1
Your Cold War/moon landing example for the first topic really didn't connect. And if I understand you correctly, it seems that you think that the moon landing was the primary cause of all the conflict in the Cold War. You could've gone with the learning a new language example because it could blend with the second paragraph, and it would be much better to unify the entire essay (using communication as the basis of your examples). But the telephone example just seems too easy…

You tend to announce what you're going to say when it's obvious where you're headed. The last paragraph is too abstract. You don't explain how it would have opened doors to a simpler future. Then again, the example is weak so you might want to scrap trying to revise that part.

Topic 2
An example of discrimination works for this sample.

Gun laws aren't really the "cause" of loving or hating guns. You should state that there is a correlation between the social value and law and how they reflect each other. Sentences like, "It is possible to determine when laws can and cannot change social values" really don't add anything if they have no support.

The conclusion is understandable, but it could tightened up by getting rid of a few words (obey; and it is to be obeyed without knowing its basis).
 
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