Dating a raging alcoholic with cross addiction will I make it through school?

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shinbeats

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2 years ago back in my clubbing/bar hopping days I met a gorgeous girl. We clicked right away, drank a lot, stayed up together and had lots of you know what. It all started as "friends with benefits", we swore we would never get emotionally attached. She was going to move to Europe and I was going to move back to the West Coast. Well then I started getting emotionally attached, I realized that I couldn't spend a single moment of the day without thinking about her, I realized that I always wanted to kiss her and be around her. In the end I begged and convinced her to stay in the US and get into a relationship with me (it took a lot of work almost 6 months). After dating her though the secrets started to come out. She was being sexually harassed by multiple guys, she was addicted to alcohol (drank 3 wine bottles a day), she had a cross addiction with benzos (something she got hooked on while she was in detox), she did a lot of drugs. I stood by her because I've never been a quitter and I truly believed and still believe I can help her.

We had some crazy ups and downs. She's physically and verbally assaulted me while shes drunk multiple times even in public but I try to keep my cool. I found out through her parents she had been to detox and rehab at least a dozen times and still continued to drink. I dropped out of school for a semester to go with her to detox and rehab. I lied to the rehab facilities that I was an alcoholic because my gf didn't want to go alone. After so much work we got out and she started drinking again 10 days later while taking massive amounts of benzos with the alcohol (yes I know this kills people but it doesn't do much to her or I hope it never will :( Well her parents gave up on her kicked her out of the house and I got her an apartment which I am still paying for. I'm physically and emotionally drained. She's still continuing with the drug and alcohol abuse.... the sad part is if anyone even mentions it she gets extremely defensive to the point where she gets physical. To top it all off she always wants to stay awake, she'll call me randomly at 2-3 am or show up at my house and wake me up. Even if I have stuff to do the next day she'll demand I stay awake. I fought an amphetamine addiction long ago but now I'm hooked back on it just so I can keep up with everything.

I know I know what all of you are about to say, leave her and never look back. It's easy said then done especially when I'm "co-dependent (as her mother says) but that is how I've been. I've watched many good men die in battle, I have a father who is major heart issues (went through multiple bypasses), arthritis, high blood pressure, needs cataract surgery for his right eye. My father truly believes he's dying and even though I deny it every day I know the truth deep inside. My father has told me that even if he's dying in the hospital to never come see him. He told me that if he dies, I will not be able to bring him back and he does not want me to jeopardize my education over him.

I visit SDN every day, I act silly, I say stupid things and all I'm trying to do is get my mind off reality. The fact of life is that emotionally I am beyond tormented. I have contemplated committing suicide many times. Matter of fact I put the barrel of my AR-47 rifle several times in my mouth but I never pulled the trigger because in the end I knew that even though I was freeing my mind, my soul and my existence that everything that I have done till this point will go to vain. That my selfish act would destroy my family and leave my gf homeless on the street with the same drug abuse life. What can I do though? I'm completely helpless. I can't save them, I am not a physician and still have at least half a decade to go. I remember a long time ago why I took the vow of pursuing medicine....it was because I had seen so many people lose their lives and I could do nothing but watch them and I wanted to be a physician to do something but I'm still helpless.

I need help, please give me some advice. I have tried to seek professional help but it's not helping. I have begged and cried at front of my gf to go back to detox and rehab (because I know she won't make it for even a couple more years the way she is going. I have tried to walk away from her and from life but I just can't give up.

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2 years ago back in my clubbing/bar hopping days I met a gorgeous girl. We clicked right away, drank a lot, stayed up together and had lots of you know what. It all started as "friends with benefits", we swore we would never get emotionally attached. She was going to move to Europe and I was going to move back to the West Coast. Well then I started getting emotionally attached, I realized that I couldn't spend a single moment of the day without thinking about her, I realized that I always wanted to kiss her and be around her. In the end I begged and convinced her to stay in the US and get into a relationship with me (it took a lot of work almost 6 months). After dating her though the secrets started to come out. She was being sexually harassed by multiple guys, she was addicted to alcohol (drank 3 wine bottles a day), she had a cross addiction with benzos (something she got hooked on while she was in detox), she did a lot of drugs. I stood by her because I've never been a quitter and I truly believed and still believe I can help her.

We had some crazy ups and downs. She's physically and verbally assaulted me while shes drunk multiple times even in public but I try to keep my cool. I found out through her parents she had been to detox and rehab at least a dozen times and still continued to drink. I dropped out of school for a semester to go with her to detox and rehab. I lied to the rehab facilities that I was an alcoholic because my gf didn't want to go alone. After so much work we got out and she started drinking again 10 days later while taking massive amounts of benzos with the alcohol (yes I know this kills people but it doesn't do much to her or I hope it never will :( Well her parents gave up on her kicked her out of the house and I got her an apartment which I am still paying for. I'm physically and emotionally drained. She's still continuing with the drug and alcohol abuse.... the sad part is if anyone even mentions it she gets extremely defensive to the point where she gets physical.

I know I know what all of you are about to say, leave her and never look back. It's easy said then done especially when I'm "co-dependent (as her mother says) but that is how I've been. I've watched many good men die in battle, I have a father who is major heart issues (went through multiple bypasses), arthritis, high blood pressure, needs cataract surgery for his right eye. My father truly believes he's dying and even though I deny it every day I know the truth deep inside. My father has told me that even if he's dying in the hospital to never come see him. He told me that if he dies, I will not be able to bring him back and he does not want me to jeopardize my education over him.

I visit SDN every day, I act silly, I say stupid things and all I'm trying to do is get my mind off reality. The fact of life is that emotionally I am beyond tormented. I have contemplated committing suicide many times. Matter of fact I put the barrel of my AR-47 rifle several times in my mouth but I never pulled the trigger because in the end I knew that even though I was freeing my mind, my soul and my existence that everything that I have done till this point will go to vain. That my selfish act would destroy my family and leave my gf homeless on the street with the same drug abuse life. What can I do though? I'm completely helpless. I can't save them, I am not a physician and still have at least half a decade to go. I remember a long time ago why I took the vow of pursuing medicine....it was because I had seen so many people lose their lives and I could do nothing but watch them and I wanted to be a physician to do something but I'm still helpless.

I need help, please give me some advice. I have tried to seek professional help but it's not helping. I have begged and cried at front of my gf to go back to detox and rehab (because I know she won't make it for even a couple more years the way she is going. I have tried to walk away from her and from life but I just can't give up.
You cannot fix someone who doesn't want help, and you can't make someone want to get help. Sorry, but you know what the answer is. Try to get professional help harder, because you obviously need something to get away from and over her. Good luck.
 
I think you think of yourself, and your future. If she is incapable of making adjustments to your needs, while you've been trying hard to adjust to hers as in going to rehab/detox programs, then I believe you need to seriously reconsider being in a relationship with her. From the way it sounds, it may hinder you, especially during Boards time. Of course all this is easier said than done, and please try and get professional help, build a support system so you dont find yourself in situations like this again.

Hope this helps and good luck to you man.
 
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I visit SDN every day, I act silly, I say stupid things and all I'm trying to do is get my mind off reality. The fact of life is that emotionally I am beyond tormented. I have contemplated committing suicide many times. Matter of fact I put the barrel of my AR-47 rifle several times in my mouth but I never pulled the trigger because in the end I knew that even though I was freeing my mind, my soul and my existence that everything that I have done till this point will go to vain. That my selfish act would destroy my family and leave my gf homeless on the street with the same drug abuse life. What can I do though? I'm completely helpless. I can't save them, I am not a physician and still have at least half a decade to go. I remember a long time ago why I took the vow of pursuing medicine....it was because I had seen so many people lose their lives and I could do nothing but watch them and I wanted to be a physician to do something but I'm still helpless.

This is not something you can face alone and not something we can fix through the Internet. You can't give up on professional help yet: its not the entire answer but its part of the process of getting healthy. It sounds like you're a veteran with some emotional baggage from your deployments, a veteran's support group might help, if only by getting you in touch with some other people who understand what you're going through. You also need to get the AR (and all other weapons and pills) outside your house while you're working to resolve these issues. They'll be there for you when you're healthy.

For dealing with your significant other I would try attending an al-anon meeting: it's a support group for people with family and friends who suffer from alcoholism. They can give you the empathy and advice that you can't get from someone who doesn't understand this, and that you can't get over the internet. Or if they can't help, they can probably help you find someone who can. Your first priority, though, is your mental health. You need to stay healthy for yourself and for all the people who love you and depend on you.

You can't do just part of this. You're not going to have the strength to walk away from you ex if you dredge up all of your guilt from combat every time you think you might be letting her down. You can't deal with those memories if you're depressed and unmedicated. You're not going to come all the way back from depression if you have an alcoholic loved one and no support network. Veteran's support, cognitive behavioral therapy, medication, and al-anon, and the support of your friends and loved ones all go together here.

You can do this.
 
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1) You are getting professional help, and that's good. If it isn't working, can you escalate care? Talk with your provider, and consider counselling. Having someone to talk these things through with would probably be more helpful than anything you can get on SDN.

2) You need to leave that relationship. You already know this. It may be devastating (and a lot less fun) to do so, but I think you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of pain whether or not you are in medicine. Are you addicted to the highs and lows of this lifestyle? If you are co-dependent then what do you think that means for your future (and hers)? Hopefully she will address her issues, but from your description you are setting up for a lifetime of being abused as you watch your partner destroy herself with drugs and alcohol.

Find some personal space, and use that space to become the person you want to be. I wish you the best of luck in doing so.
 
What you can do is help yourself. You are depressed. You are suicidal. You are addicted to drugs. You cannot help someone else if you cannot help yourself. You are in absolutely no condition or position to take care of your loved one. The only thing you're in a position to do is to help yourself. You may benefit from some sort of psychiatric day program for those with a dual diagnosis. Do it now before you kill yourself or get in legal trouble with drugs, which can prevent you from being licensed to practice medicine.

How well do you think you can support your girlfriend's drug and psych issues if you can't support your own?
 
Thank you for everyones advice. The thing is I can't just leave her, her family and friends have given up on her. If I leave her she will be homeless, I am her only support system. I can't watch a loved one have the issue of being homeless on top of a major cross addiction. I mainly want to know what can I do to help her? How can I get her sober?
 
You cant she has to want it herself and sometimes that means reaching bottom. If you continue to enable her you just teach her that you will be there no matter what and there is no need for her to change.
 
You cant she has to want it herself and sometimes that means reaching bottom. If you continue to enable her you just teach her that you will be there no matter what and there is no need for her to change.

I threatened to break up with her a couple days ago unless she goes to rehab/detox after she made a fool of us in public again. She has promised to seek professional help but she wants out-patient rehab and no detox. The problem with that is she is physically addicted to ethanol and benzos so she needs detox to get off the physical withdrawals. She has seizures if she doesn't intake the substances. To make things worse her psychiatrist who is a FMG who got a fellowship in "addiction medicine" is continuing to prescribe her benzos. I can't say anything because if I do she will have seizures as I stated before.
 
Notice how she is the one dictating what is going to happen while you enable? She will only do things on her terms. Be prepared for this to never get better if this cycle continues.
 
Thank you for everyones advice. The thing is I can't just leave her, her family and friends have given up on her. If I leave her she will be homeless, I am her only support system. I can't watch a loved one have the issue of being homeless on top of a major cross addiction. I mainly want to know what can I do to help her? How can I get her sober?

Unfortunately giving up on her IS how you help her. You need to go to al-anon, you'll have dozens of people telling you the same story. As long as an alcoholic has a support network they never, ever get well. All support is enabeling. That's why they will fight, scream, beg, cry, and slash their wrists when they see the network collapsing: they're not fighting for you to stay in their lives (if they cared about that they'd quit) thy're fighting to stay addicted. I kknow it goes against every noble impulse you have, but the only way to help this girl is to let her hit bottom.

A first step towards leaving her is an al-anon meeting. Let people who have been through this tell you just how much 'helping' an alcoholic actually helps them.
 
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Are you and your girlfriend religious?

Many people get saved in church.

disclaimer: I am a Christian.
 
Thank you for everyones advice. The thing is I can't just leave her, her family and friends have given up on her. If I leave her she will be homeless, I am her only support system. I can't watch a loved one have the issue of being homeless on top of a major cross addiction. I mainly want to know what can I do to help her? How can I get her sober?

You can help her by helping yourself. Break up with her, leave her homeless, let her hit bottom. It's the only shot she has.
Obviously you're not capable of doing that just yet, so to echo above, start attending al-anon meetings, and go into rehab youself for your amphetamine addiction. You yourself likely have a dual diagnosis and need help dealing with it.

And try to think about it, you're hooked on amphetamines. How can you tell someone else to quit their addiction when you're not doing the same.
 
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I know this is not what you want to do, and others have mentioned it already, but you HAVE to leave her. She has multiple stints in rehab. She does not want to change. She will agree to get sober when you threaten to leave her, but she's not ready to change for herself, so she will continue to relapse, and this cycle will repeat over and over again. It's not a matter of IF you are co-dependent, you ARE codependent.

If you are a veteran, you need to contact the VA and let them know what is going on. They have inpatient programs where you can receive treatment for your substance abuse (amphetamines), PTSD, co-dependency and suicidal thoughts. If you go this route, I think it's important to not have contact with your girlfriend. I suggest you provide her with info on rehab, detoxes, homeless shelters, and evict her from the apartment, maybe even obtaining a restraining order. Sometimes people, even if they love each other, are really destructive for one another. Despite what you think, you are not helping her, addicts rely on co-dependents in order to sustain their addiction and avoid rock bottom.
 
People in this thread have sound advice.

I was more in the position of your girlfriend in terms of addiction to bad habits. I mentioned earlier about religion because that's what saved me from jumping off a cliff (along the help from my wife/gf back then). I had a really strong support system from her. You have a problem that you need to fix as well. I think it's either time to let go or get saved.
 
IMO you should dump this girl like a bad habit. It sounds like a serious case of putting the p on a pedestal. She is ruining your life with her addictions and probably has very little to offer as a person. Theres plenty of other fish out there in the sea so why get so hung up over this one, surely you could find someone more compatible if you put the effort in? Newsflash, if she cared for you as much as you do about her she would have already sobered up. I've had people like this in my life and after a certain point I just decided not to put up with that **** any more.


dump her kick her out and let her hit rock bottom. Get help for your addictions and depression, work on building your confidence and find a new girl.
 
Hate to be picky.... AR-47?

Everyone else has sound advice, and I agree. Good luck.
 
Quite frankly, you are--to a degree--just like your girlfriend right now. You are looking for answers that you want to hear, seeking solutions that are sympathetic to your girlfriend. Those answers are not the right ones. And you know it. So you already know what to do. You just have to do it. But I don't think any SDNer can convince you.
 
Hate to be picky.... AR-47?

Everyone else has sound advice, and I agree. Good luck.

FFL class 3 license permits the purchasing of fully automatic weapons which is very easy for someone to obtain with a prior Secret clearance and clean record. As far as the AR-47 which is typically found in automatic and non-auto is an effective weapon to have and is only with me for collection purposes. I do not condone violence and the purchase of any illegal weapons without proper training and permits.

Back to the topic thank you for everyone's advice and help, I have all the information I need.
 
Do you want this woman to ever be the mother of your children? Think about that......
Relationships are hard. There is no perfect person and there is no such thing as accepting someone fully for who they are. Your significant other should build you up, expect the best from you and motivate you to do better and be better, and vice versa.

With that in mind, best advice is this: if you care about your girlfriend you will leave her. I don't mean distance yourself. I mean cold turkey leave her. You are taking responsibility for her problems by continually attempting to help her (which you're not doing). You are also enabling her by staying with her while she lives in such an unacceptable way and offers you little in the relationship. Your girlfriend, who sounds like a typical alcoholic, sees you as a doormat who tolerates her addictions because you feel sorry for her. What I'm saying is cruel but it's true. Alcoholics are not normal people. They are extremely narcissistic and care about booze and themselves more than anyone or anything. Also, they are clueless, truly clueless, about the destruction they cause around them because they think that everyone should feel sorry for them. It's extraordinarily messed up.

Remember this: once you engage in a battle of wills with an addict, you've already lost. The best thing you can do for her and yourself is to walk away and leave her alone with nothing but booze and pills and whatever else. If she is going to change she will do it on her own and without you.

Finally, you don't even know your girlfriend. She was an addict when you met her. I think you are in love with what you thought she was. In turn she loves your acceptance and tolerance of her addictions. Which of course, is not love at all.

Good luck!
 
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