Dating in Med School for AAs

[MSKalltheway]

I have heard the comment that some black women get angry when they see a successful black man with a woman who isn't what they would consider black? I have never understood what the big deal is. There are plenty of men out there black, white, Latino, Asian and any other ethnicity to meet and get to know. Why would you even consider that something is lacking in you because a man that you don't know is with a woman that you don't know? There is no competition with woman of other ethnicities. I definitely do NOT want to be with a man who doesn't want to be with me.

I have always been fortunate to have friends and to have had relationships with men of all ethnicities. I love all people period and I certainly don't feel that because a person prefers to date a specific person that it has anything to do with ethnicity or that there is something lacking in me. I don't exclude any person because of race (definitely because of character though) and I have always felt that there was something of a richness to my life because of my openness.

I am a challenge and I definitely know that I am a great date, girlfriend, friend etc. I am smart, strong and very interesting. What could be better? If you don't want to be my friend or have looked at me and excluded me from your circle based on my color alone, it's your loss and not that something is lacking in me. When it comes to competition, I just don't have any.

I applaud you...that's pretty much all I had to say!

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[PunkmedGirl]

I applaud you...that's pretty much all I had to say!

And i Second that

 

[I-Baby]

And i Second that

Third!

This has always been an issue that I have never been bothered with. There are so many people on the face of this earth that one person's choice or situation shouldn't even faze you. I know of several incidences in which men have been personally attacked for their choices in women. I swear the things that people choose to focus on baffle me and in the cases I have seen, these are guys that the bashers wouldn't even give the time of day. Maybe they feel personally insulted when they see these men with "other" women. I wonder...

 

[Boogsie]

I understand both perspectives here. Njbmd and the other posters are fortunate enough to want to date men of other ethnicities AND be wanted by these men. However, chocomorsel is not in this type of situation, so her anger and frustration is understandable. Her choice may be with black man or be alone. In that case, a non-black woman in the arms of a black man IS competition.

I date both black and white men, but I must say I do feel a bit of frustration when I see a black man with a non-black woman. Why? Because I see the other side of the story...lots of professional black women in their 30s and 40s unmarried and very unhappy about it. I see the "typical black family" which is now a mom and a couple of kids with NO DAD, and I think about the choice that black man has made. Its not like when a white guy choose to date an Asian woman. There is no bigger cultural implication there. Its just two people in love and happy. There are already so few professional black men or black men with no kids and no criminal record, for that matter, so it makes a big impact when one is lost to the other team.

Chocomorsel is right, why aren't our black men sticking with us as we are with them? All my black friends dating black men have to go through so much more drama (babymama, money, fooling around, jealousy) than the black women that date white men. Its like we have to go on a crazy roller-coaster ride to prove our love and get to that altar when, at least in my opinion and from my experiences, "I love you and respect you" is more than enough for other men because that is all anyone really wants.

Chocomorsel, you are not a racist. You shouldn't have to date outside of your race if you don't want to. Interracial relationships have there own complications as well, and you should not have to do that in order to be married and happy.

 

[njbmd]

I understand both perspectives here. Njbmd and the other posters are fortunate enough to want to date men of other ethnicities AND be wanted by these men. However, chocomorsel is not in this type of situation, so her anger and frustration is understandable. Her choice may be with black man or be alone. In that case, a non-black woman in the arms of a black man IS competition.

I date both black and white men, but I must say I do feel a bit of frustration when I see a black man with a non-black woman. Why? Because I see the other side of the story...lots of professional black women in their 30s and 40s unmarried and very unhappy about it. I see the "typical black family" which is now a mom and a couple of kids with NO DAD, and I think about the choice that black man has made. Its not like when a white guy choose to date an Asian woman. There is no bigger cultural implication there. Its just two people in love and happy. There are already so few professional black men or black men with no kids and no criminal record, for that matter, so it makes a big impact when one is lost to the other team.

Chocomorsel is right, why aren't our black men sticking with us as we are with them? All my black friends dating black men have to go through so much more drama (babymama, money, fooling around, jealousy) than the black women that date white men. Its like we have to go on a crazy roller-coaster ride to prove our love and get to that altar when, at least in my opinion and from my experiences, "I love you and respect you" is more than enough for other men because that is all anyone really wants.

Chocomorsel, you are not a racist. You shouldn't have to date outside of your race if you don't want to. Interracial relationships have there own complications as well, and you should not have to do that in order to be married and happy.

I would not date any man (black, white, asian, latino) that has issues with relationships. I don't date any man based on race/color alone and I don't want to be dated based on my color alone. I am far more than my ethnicity though my ethnicity has definitely shaped my personality in many ways.

There isn't much to the "interracial" aspect of relationships these days. It's pretty hard to date someone who isn't human and that's the only race I see. I am neither attracted nor not attracted to a person because of color.

I don't believe that someone is "racist" or "not-racist" in terms of their preferences of dates but just to restate my original thoughts. There is nothing lacking in me or any other woman (black or otherwise) based on the choices that any man makes in who he chooses to date. I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't want to be with me. If you look at me and only see my color, we are not going to have much of a relationship.

I love intelligent strong men of any color, again my preference. For me, these qualities can be found across all ethnicities however, my favorite color is green. I just don't feel the same way about blue as I do green. My guess is that Chocomorsal is far more than her color alone too and that has nothing to do with who any other person chooses to date or who she chooses to date. Everyone can have a preference but that doesn't mean that there is something lacking in any other person.

 

[freelove]

I agree with Boogsie in saying that this is a very relevant issue for some black women and all of us may not be able to sympathize with it being that we're coming from diferrent areas and experiences in life. There's nothing wrong with interracial relationships, but some people just aren't attracted to people outside of their race or they have a deep appreciation for their own culture and desire to raise their family in it.

Also, Boogsie and chocomorsel are making general statements and I think hey should be treated that way as GENERAL statements. There are exceptions to every rule and there always will be. That being said, I DO find it interested that the males are being so quiet on this one... I'd be really interested in what our future black male doctors have to say on this particular topic.

 

[RandomBlackManX]

ah, forget it.

 

[flaahless]

I agree with Boogsie in saying that this is a very relevant issue for some black women and all of us may not be able to sympathize with it being that we're coming from diferrent areas and experiences in life. There's nothing wrong with interracial relationships, but some people just aren't attracted to people outside of their race or they have a deep appreciation for their own culture and desire to raise their family in it.



Also, Boogsie and chocomorsel are making general statements and I think hey should be treated that way as GENERAL statements. There are exceptions to every rule and there always will be. That being said, I DO find it interested that the males are being so quiet on this one... I'd be really interested in what our future black male doctors have to say on this particular topic.

^^^ Haha umm. Well, I understand the points made by chocomorsel and boogsie quite well. A lot of black women are chiefly attracted to black men, that's just the way it is. I don't know whether it's a physical attraction, a cultural attraction, or whatever, but that is the case for a lot of black women and black men too. Personally, I'm attracted to women. To steal a quote from The Game, "I like black women, I like white women, even **** women, hell I like women."

I used to feel a little guilty when I dated other women because I could feel the glares from black women. But after dating my last girlfriend who was white, I got over that because I really loved her. We are broken up now, and I tried to go back to dating black women but I've never felt as strongly for anyone as I did my white girlfriend. And I realize that love is colorblind.

 

[RandomBlackManX]

^^

 

[QTCL13]

And I realize that love is colorblind.

Agreed! You fall in love with a person, not a race, color, gender, eye color, whatever

 

[aaj117]

Is it easier, in your opinion, to date someone totally outside of the medical field, or someone who has been/is in your shoes and going through the same medical school experience? Sometimes i think it would be so much easier if i happen to find someone in my medical school, other times i think that's all i'll be doing all day, it'd be nice to go home to/out with someone completely removed from that part of my life. Was hoping someone with more experience could give an opinion or two.
I'll be entering med school in or around august, and against what may be my better judgement, I think i'm going to get back together with an ex-boyfriend this week. He has never and will never have anything to do with the medical field. (this isn't the reason i'm getting back together with him, but as an added bonus, i do feel like it will really help me get back to the part of me that i felt like i've been losing through the whole application process).

 

[chocomorsel]

Thanks all for your input, and I'm glad that some of you women see my point of view. In my past I have dated two white guys about 10 years ago. And while one of them was a great, the relationship did have it's issues, some having to do with racial/ethnic differences. And I certainly didn't appreciate the stares I got from black men either. Maybe things have changed in the past decade, but I know that I wasn't that comfortable as I have been with the black men I've dated. Now granted, of the black men I've dated, none has been long term, but I can compare. I love dark, chocolate brown skin, and even caramel. I love when a black man smiles and you see those pearly whites against the back drop of brown(flaahless, nice smile). That just makes me tingle inside a little, it's just beautiful. I love the cultural similarities, the food, the music, the family issues, that is quite different with other races. I don't know, I just prefer black men.
Now that said, if a white/other man that I was attracted to approached me and asked me out, I would give them a chance. But it wouldn't be my initial choice, and again, it hasn't happened.

 

[Boogsie]

ha ha ha...I was wondering how my comments would go over. They are definitely general statements about both black and white men!

I have received more than a few dirty looks when out in a bar or restaurant with my bf (he's white). Once, a guy stood behind him while facing me and just kept shaking his head and wagging his finger. I just started laughing!! I purposely divert my eyes when I see a black man/white or asian woman couple because I don't want any look I give, even if its just "what a cute couple," to be mistaken for "stop stealing our men". I'm sure they get more than enough looks from other people than me.

I think its better to date people outside of whatever career you choose to pursue. Even if you aren't consciously competing, it might happen anyway unless you make a significant effort with your bf/gf or husband/wife for it not to happen.

 

[njbmd]

Is it easier, in your opinion, to date someone totally outside of the medical field, or someone who has been/is in your shoes and going through the same medical school experience? Sometimes i think it would be so much easier if i happen to find someone in my medical school, other times i think that's all i'll be doing all day, it'd be nice to go home to/out with someone completely removed from that part of my life. Was hoping someone with more experience could give an opinion or two.
I'll be entering med school in or around august, and against what may be my better judgement, I think i'm going to get back together with an ex-boyfriend this week. He has never and will never have anything to do with the medical field. (this isn't the reason i'm getting back together with him, but as an added bonus, i do feel like it will really help me get back to the part of me that i felt like i've been losing through the whole application process).

In my class we had two marriages (both still going strong as we all finish residency) and mucho "hook-ups" that didn't last through the 3 1/2 years that we were actually together. Most of my classmates tended to date outside of the school because of the whole "family/incest" thing. You have to look at that person for years if it doesn't work out. That's not to say that upperclassmen and lowerclassmen were not potential dates.

My school was in a large metropolitan area with loads of different types of people out there including within a one-hour drive twelve law schools, five medical schools, a couple of dental schools and loads of young professionals from engineering, business and other disciplines. It wasn't difficult to find a good cross section of people to date (including some of the undergraduates) if desired. This is one of the distinct advantages of attending medical school in an urban location.

My fiancé (we met at the gym) doesn't have anything to do with medicine and actually can't stand to go near the hospital. I remember that I left something at home by accident and he nearly hurled when he had to drop it off with my secretary.

Another funny story is that I was preparing a lecture on examination and treatment of males with STDs that had loads of photos. He walked by my computer and lost it. He's a computer systems analyst who does amateur body-building (does know loads about nutrition). He was my training partner for several months before he even asked me out. He saw me in my sweats complete with head rag, dripping with sweat and definitely not glamorous. There were loads of women around who were dressed to pick up men and he ended up going out with me who looked like "Aunt Edna" in sweats.

 

[gostudy]

I have heard the comment that some black women get angry when they see a successful black man with a woman who isn't what they would consider black? I have never understood what the big deal is. There are plenty of men out there black, white, Latino, Asian and any other ethnicity to meet and get to know. Why would you even consider that something is lacking in you because a man that you don't know is with a woman that you don't know? There is no competition with woman of other ethnicities. I definitely do NOT want to be with a man who doesn't want to be with me.

I have always been fortunate to have friends and to have had relationships with men of all ethnicities. I love all people period and I certainly don't feel that because a person prefers to date a specific person that it has anything to do with ethnicity or that there is something lacking in me. I don't exclude any person because of race (definitely because of character though) and I have always felt that there was something of a richness to my life because of my openness.

I am a challenge and I definitely know that I am a great date, girlfriend, friend etc. I am smart, strong and very interesting. What could be better? If you don't want to be my friend or have looked at me and excluded me from your circle based on my color alone, it's your loss and not that something is lacking in me. When it comes to competition, I just don't have any.

Thank you, well said.

 

[freelove]

ha ha ha...I was wondering how my comments would go over. They are definitely general statements about both black and white men!

I have received more than a few dirty looks when out in a bar or restaurant with my bf (he's white). Once, a guy stood behind him while facing me and just kept shaking his head and wagging his finger. I just started laughing!! I purposely divert my eyes when I see a black man/white or asian woman couple because I don't want any look I give, even if its just "what a cute couple," to be mistaken for "stop stealing our men". I'm sure they get more than enough looks from other people than me.

I think its better to date people outside of whatever career you choose to pursue. Even if you aren't consciously competing, it might happen anyway unless you make a significant effort with your bf/gf or husband/wife for it not to happen.

That's hilarious.

 

[flaahless]

Thanks all for your input, and I'm glad that some of you women see my point of view. In my past I have dated two white guys about 10 years ago. And while one of them was a great, the relationship did have it's issues, some having to do with racial/ethnic differences. And I certainly didn't appreciate the stares I got from black men either. Maybe things have changed in the past decade, but I know that I wasn't that comfortable as I have been with the black men I've dated. Now granted, of the black men I've dated, none has been long term, but I can compare. I love dark, chocolate brown skin, and even caramel. I love when a black man smiles and you see those pearly whites against the back drop of brown(flaahless, nice smile). That just makes me tingle inside a little, it's just beautiful. I love the cultural similarities, the food, the music, the family issues, that is quite different with other races. I don't know, I just prefer black men.
Now that said, if a white/other man that I was attracted to approached me and asked me out, I would give them a chance. But it wouldn't be my initial choice, and again, it hasn't happened.

Haha thanks. I agree with you on the cultural similarities. I find that black women understand the little things like, when I get out of the shower, I got put on a lot of lotion because I'm dark and I get ashy. Or that I go to the beach to walk around or play ball, rather than sunbathe and tan. And that I put hot sauce on EVERYTHING, even popcorn.

 

[Boogsie]

Haha thanks. I agree with you on the cultural similarities. I find that black women understand the little things like, when I get out of the shower, I got put on a lot of lotion because I'm dark and I get ashy. Or that I go to the beach to walk around or play ball, rather than sunbathe and tan. And that I put hot sauce on EVERYTHING, even popcorn.

Ohh the lotion thing....my white friend just don't understand that I NEED lotion every day. I have a bottle at my best friend's house for when I'm there. Otherwise, I'd be dry all day long!!

However, I'm that black girl that loves the beach and more importantly laying out to be as brown as possible. My black friends think its crazy, but I love being dark brown (vs. yellowish in the winter) sooo much.

 

[Nasrudin]

This is a fascinating discussion and while the panoply of perspectives is being cast, I hope you don't mind if a pink brother throws in his 2 cents.

I am married to a black woman, we have been together for more than 10 years, she is the love of my life. Once you close the distance between you and another person of a different culture you realize differences are more a question of what you want out of life and simply whether a person just annoys or doesn't regardless of race.

Now, in response to people's level of comfort being immersed in a culture or race different than theirs...this is either a source of humor and fun or a source of awkwardness and regret. How you ultimately process this is between you and the other person.

While all of the people with glares and stares can F@ck off because nobody knows what this woman and I have been through together...I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to date within your race exclusively. We are in the middle ground post civil rights where people are still checking each other out, it's a growing pain in humanity that has occurred many times and will continue to occur.

What I would suggest is that our pattern across all of humanity is favoring a cross pollination of races and therefore racial identities and that a culture of exclusivity will put you at odds with the direction of human traffic. Noticeably in some situations, barely perceptible in others. I would imagine that if you maintain this point of view over a lifetime your frustration will wax rather than wane. You could get lucky and find the right piece to finish your puzzle...who knows, but in my experience more often than not, life rarely works this way.

Cheers all.

 

[Nasrudin]

Ohh the lotion thing....my white friend just don't understand that I NEED lotion every day. I have a bottle at my best friend's house for when I'm there. Otherwise, I'd be dry all day long!!

However, I'm that black girl that loves the beach and more importantly laying out to be as brown as possible. My black friends think its crazy, but I love being dark brown (vs. yellowish in the winter) sooo much.

You know...white people get ashy. You just don't notice it because we're white and you can't see it as well.

 

[MSKalltheway]

That being said, I DO find it interested that the males are being so quiet on this one... I'd be really interested in what our future black male doctors have to say on this particular topic.

LOL. In this black male's case, I'm not afraid of addressing this topic, but I do want to try to steer as clear from my laptop as I possibly can. I use the dang thing for studying and class (which is always no less than 12hrs/day) so I'm quite sick of it! But I'll stomach it for a little personal disclosure at this point .

I've been in a serious relationship with a woman who is not black since freshman year of college. I haven't really dated around, and I dont plan on letting her go for someone else, so...oh well lol. In high school (I dont actually believe im going there) I did ask out black girls, as I did all other kinds of girls. I guess I just never really saw color, just who was interesting to me. I couldn't really tell you whether or not I got a lot of love from black women, since my dating life didn't really last long by any means .

In the end, you really have to look at a persons situation, since everyone has their reasons. If a black man says "I wont date black women because of...(insert here, attitude, looks, other women are more attractive etc)", then thats just not right. If it just happens that he ends up with a woman of another race, then thats quite a bit different, there shouldnt be anything wrong with that.

My response to any black woman that comes at me with the question of "why arent you dating a black woman?" I'll respond with two questions. First, "Are you looking to be with me specifically?" and secondly, "Are you trying to raise muslim children?" If the answer to both aren't yes, I'm not tryin to hear that anger.

In the end, race is nothing but skin color. There's more genetic diversity between African tribes than all the "races" compared to each other. Think about that for a minute...

Is it easier, in your opinion, to date someone totally outside of the medical field, or someone who has been/is in your shoes and going through the same medical school experience?

There is no way I could date someone in my class, come to think of it. There are very few women in my class that I could see spending that much time with...at least at surface level. To me, its better to be with someone on the outside and involve them in what you are learning and doing. Its so much better to have a non-med student opinion on thing. When youre talking about medicine all day everyday, its nice to talk to someone not involved in the same stuff youre doing, so you can actually talk about what you both did today, individually. If youre in the same class, you already know what's going on, at least in the pre-clinical years. FWIW, I'm very glad my sweetie is not in med school .

 

[okgo2503]

In my class we had two marriages (both still going strong as we all finish residency) and mucho "hook-ups" that didn't last through the 3 1/2 years that we were actually together. Most of my classmates tended to date outside of the school because of the whole "family/incest" thing. You have to look at that person for years if it doesn't work out. That's not to say that upperclassmen and lowerclassmen were not potential dates.

My school was in a large metropolitan area with loads of different types of people out there including within a one-hour drive twelve law schools, five medical schools, a couple of dental schools and loads of young professionals from engineering, business and other disciplines. It wasn't difficult to find a good cross section of people to date (including some of the undergraduates) if desired. This is one of the distinct advantages of attending medical school in an urban location.

My fiancé (we met at the gym) doesn't have anything to do with medicine and actually can't stand to go near the hospital. I remember that I left something at home by accident and he nearly hurled when he had to drop it off with my secretary.

Another funny story is that I was preparing a lecture on examination and treatment of males with STDs that had loads of photos. He walked by my computer and lost it. He's a computer systems analyst who does amateur body-building (does know loads about nutrition). He was my training partner for several months before he even asked me out. He saw me in my sweats complete with head rag, dripping with sweat and definitely not glamorous. There were loads of women around who were dressed to pick up men and he ended up going out with me who looked like "Aunt Edna" in sweats.

How often do people date lowerclassmen/upperclassmen? I would think it would be difficult in medical school since the schedules, responsibilities, and amount of free time between the years are so different?

 

[DrPavoreal]

man. u guys have my head spinning. i'm really concerned about this myself, i've only dated black guys (not really that attracted to white/asians)...and i'm a non-trad (27)...

i'm matriculating next year to a school in a mid-size college town....maybe i should work on my match.com profile now.

Me and you both!

The future is bleak, my sistas.

 

[NAVYLABTECH08]

As a male, I can't imagine my med school class being full of dimes. females should prob expect less. You might be too busy with academics to date seriously. However, flings are cool. In fact, a good one nightstand or 2 with no strings attached may be what the doctor ordered to forget about the 4 exams you have next week. Take Out That Anger!

 

[freelove]

As a male, I can't imagine my med school class being full of dimes. females should prob expect less. You might be too busy with academics to date seriously. However, flings are cool. In fact, a good one nightstand or 2 with no strings attached may be what the doctor ordered to forget about the 4 exams you have next week. Take Out That Anger!

Wow.

 

[DrPavoreal]

As a male, I can't imagine my med school class being full of dimes. females should prob expect less. You might be too busy with academics to date seriously. However, flings are cool. In fact, a good one nightstand or 2 with no strings attached may be what the doctor ordered to forget about the 4 exams you have next week. Take Out That Anger!

You've been watching entirely too much BET, my friend...

 

[NAVYLABTECH08]

Yeah, you are probaly right.

 

[Boogsie]

As a male, I can't imagine my med school class being full of dimes. females should prob expect less. You might be too busy with academics to date seriously. However, flings are cool. In fact, a good one nightstand or 2 with no strings attached may be what the doctor ordered to forget about the 4 exams you have next week. Take Out That Anger!

You have to be careful...flings sometimes get you into a lot more trouble than actual relationships!!! (You might think its a fling, but the other person thinks it the beginning to long-term relationship).

You don't want the hard work and determination that people put into their studies to be channelled towards stalking you and/or making your life hell!

 

[I-Baby]

You have to be careful...flings sometimes get you into a lot more trouble than actual relationships!!! (You might think its a fling, but the other person thinks it the beginning to long-term relationship).

You don't want the hard work and determination that people put into their studies to be channelled towards stalking you and/or making your life hell!

For real

 

[Coconut45]

I agree that flings aren't always the best idea. Since med school is a lot like junior high, people do a lot of talking, which can get pretty irritating. When you both come in late to class with your hair lookin rocked, people will know what's up. And when you stop coming in at the same time, and stop the flirtatious banter between lectures, people will know what's up then too. Honestly at this point, none of my classmates really even seem attractive. I suspect most people begin to feel this way. Most people are in LTRs, but even the flyest of my male counterparts is no big deal at this point. By 3rd year everyone's married, so I guess eventually I'll cave and try to grow some attraction to one of these mofos.

 

[MsJLewis]

When you both come in late to class with your hair lookin rocked, people will know what's up.

By 3rd year everyone's married, so I guess eventually I'll cave and try to grow some attraction to one of these mofos.

Hilarious! I guess I better pick a school based on class size...

 

[DrPavoreal]

I honestly had no notions of dating a fellow classmate. Call me prejudiced/jaded, but I don't picture (nor have I observed) most Black male med students wanting to seriously date their Black female counterparts.

Let's keep it real, folks. We have a serious issue with colorism and self-hatred issues within the Black community, not to mention the sexism issue -- many professional men want Susie Homemaker instead of Dr. Susie. We all know that we future Dr. Susies are never "dimes". (God forbid we don't look like Rihanna or Beyonce complete with magnificent weaves! )

I have no racial preference for dating so my options are pretty open, and that Match.com idea is starting sound pretty good.

I agree that flings aren't always the best idea. Since med school is a lot like junior high, people do a lot of talking, which can get pretty irritating. When you both come in late to class with your hair lookin rocked, people will know what's up. And when you stop coming in at the same time, and stop the flirtatious banter between lectures, people will know what's up then too. Honestly at this point, none of my classmates really even seem attractive. I suspect most people begin to feel this way. Most people are in LTRs, but even the flyest of my male counterparts is no big deal at this point. By 3rd year everyone's married, so I guess eventually I'll cave and try to grow some attraction to one of these mofos.

 

[RandomBlackManX]

I honestly had no notions of dating a fellow classmate. Call me prejudiced/jaded, but I don't picture (nor have I observed) most Black male med students wanting to seriously date their Black female counterparts.

Let's keep it real, folks. We have a serious issue with colorism and self-hatred issues within the Black community, not to mention the sexism issue -- many professional men want Susie Homemaker instead of Dr. Susie. We all know that we future Dr. Susies are never "dimes". (God forbid we don't look like Rihanna or Beyonce complete with magnificent weaves! )

I have no racial preference for dating so my options are pretty open, and that Match.com idea is starting sound pretty good.

Are you saying black males are indifferent towards their black female counter parts in addition to everyone else (not interested in dating period), or are apathetic solely towards their black female counterparts?

 

[kimiij]

I was definitley one of those black women who hated on black men who dated outside the race. That is, UNTIL, I dated a white man for the first time. It was something unexpected and something new We're no longer dating, but I'm over the race boundaries, and so I date men of any race. Race is unimportant- I just want a man who is attractive, intelligent, and kind.

I remember when we first went out, I was soooo aware of how black men and women stared at us, and it made me mad. Its kind of annoying to want to go out and have a good time with your significant other and be sneered at- its really rude and I would never do that to anyone again.

Don't get me wrong- I'm still primarily attracted to black men and probably always will be, but I've broadened my horizons since my first interracial dating experience.

 

[Nasrudin]

I was definitley one of those black women who hated on black men who dated outside the race. That is, UNTIL, I dated a white man for the first time. It was something unexpected and something new We're no longer dating, but I'm over the race boundaries, and so I date men of any race. Race is unimportant- I just want a man who is attractive, intelligent, and kind.

I remember when we first went out, I was soooo aware of how black men and women stared at us, and it made me mad. Its kind of annoying to want to go out and have a good time with your significant other and be sneered at- its really rude and I would never do that to anyone again.

Don't get me wrong- I'm still primarily attracted to black men and probably always will be, but I've broadened my horizons since my first interracial dating experience.

Double the reason why you should go to Cali. Of course you can be yourself anywhere. But it tends to get easier when the person walking down the street next to you is a 6' 5'' ladyman in pumps who's tuckin it and workin it in a short skirt. Then most people won't care when you hold hands with your chinese boyfriend.

You spend a couple years there and most everywhere else seems like it just landed here on the Mayflower, is still fighting the Civil War, or is just too damn white to begin with.

 

[DrivenDMD]

Hello everyone, I'm new to this forum and have been reading posts for a few months now. I will be applying for Dental school for the 09 cycle and was just curious if anyone knew how dating in D-school was like for an AA male?

I don't think there is anything wrong with dating outside your race, in fact, I think its a beautiful thing. For two people to come from different backgrounds and become one is something we should embrace rather than look down on.

 

[MSKalltheway]

Hello everyone, I'm new to this forum and have been reading posts for a few months now. I will be applying for Dental school for the 09 cycle and was just curious if anyone knew how dating in D-school was like for an AA male?

I don't think there is anything wrong with dating outside your race, in fact, I think its a beautiful thing. For two people to come from different backgrounds and become one is something we should embrace rather than look down on.

I feel you on that.

If you dont care who you date and if most dental schools are like Maryland, you're probably going to LOVE dent school...when you have time for the ladies that is

 

[skyetropics]

I dont post much but I wanted to say that this thread is great! There are a decent amount of threads like this rolling around but everyone is actually "keepin it civil" here unlike some of the others. I guess i wont have to worry about who to date in med school since I am already married to a wonderful guy already who just so happens to be white. I've always been one of those black women that did not mind dating outside of my race but never thought i'd actually marry outside of my race. When it comes to intelligence and goals, i hold extremely high standards so thats all I pretty much based my preferences on. I figured that if I didnt get married before med school, i'd keep raising those standards and probably would have run out of options but I dont have to worry about that now cuz I went ahead and married the one of the most gorgeous, talented, and sweetest guys ever.

After a while you get used to the stares, if any. There are so many interracial couples now that it really doesnt matter much any more. There is still that underlying prejudice, like here in the south but it's easy to just shrug it off.

 

[arsenewenger]

I dont post much but I wanted to say that this thread is great! There are a decent amount of threads like this rolling around but everyone is actually "keepin it civil" here unlike some of the others. I guess i wont have to worry about who to date in med school since I am already married to a wonderful guy already who just so happens to be white. I've always been one of those black women that did not mind dating outside of my race but never thought i'd actually marry outside of my race. When it comes to intelligence and goals, i hold extremely high standards so thats all I pretty much based my preferences on. I figured that if I didnt get married before med school, i'd keep raising those standards and probably would have run out of options but I dont have to worry about that now cuz I went ahead and married the one of the most gorgeous, talented, and sweetest guys ever.




After a while you get used to the stares, if any. There are so many interracial couples now that it really doesnt matter much any more. There is still that underlying prejudice, like here in the south but it's easy to just shrug it off.

I am happy for you and hope you have a blessed marriage.

 

[MSKalltheway]

I am happy for you and hope you have a blessed marriage.

+1

 

[just a girl]

nm

 

[Nasrudin]

I'm not AA, so I hope it's okay for me to weigh in on this issue! I spent a great deal of time in both the south and the north, and I always found people in the south to be more open to interracial relationships than people in the north. It seemed like the north was more likely to be segregated in general, despite stereotypes about the two regions. I think I have probably met more *openly* racist people in the south (but they were few and far between), but there is a lot of discreet racism in the north. Maybe this was just the people with whom I associated, but I hope that all people eventually realize that love isn't about color (or gender, for that matter!), but about two people finding each other.

Maybe I really should move out to Cali!

I understand and concur with what you're saying. People of different races--well black and white, there aint that much else down there--are in closer proximity to one another down south. Neighborhoods and sectors of northern urban areas are fiercely contested turf for a variety of historical reasons leading to more racial segregation in these areas and of course to stay on topic, affecting rates of inter-racial dating. The midwest and the plain states with some exceptions comprise an ocean of vanilla so of course there is a rate limiting step involved.

The only possibility of absolute reprieve if you want to be openly gay or in an inter-racial relationship without worrying about high probabilities of people gettin in your business is to come to Cali. Most people pull up stakes in whatever trailer park they had to get out of and go there to lead a different kind of life. So that permeates the population to a much larger extent than I even expected.

California kids do not understand historical racism, although they would if they knew Cali history, but it's not part of their consciousness. Hence you get Asian kids calling each other the n-word and so forth but that's a whole different can of worms. The point is in 3 generations the state of California will be a light beige mix of black, white, latino, and asian. Go there and be a part of it, but keep in mind if you do, living elsewhere means you are forever a strange bird in a cold and weird place that will always be too religiously fervent, overly adherent to local nationalism, and entirely 18th century with regards to views on race and sexual orientation.

I'm in New England for the first time and good god man the sexual repression is palpable, inter-racial dating here is like joining an alien conspiracy to disrupt the natural order of the universe, let alone being openly gay, you would terrify these poor puritanized folks.

 

[just a girl]

Sorry -- I had taken my post down because I realized it was going pretty far off topic! But thank you for your reply -- I would like to spend some time in Cali to get a sense of what you are speaking of. I have heard similar accounts, and I hope that I can move somewhere in the future where people are so open minded!

 

[Coconut45]

I'm in New England for the first time and good god man the sexual repression is palpable, inter-racial dating here is like joining an alien conspiracy to disrupt the natural order of the universe, let alone being openly gay, you would terrify these poor puritanized folks.

Riiiight...even though same sex unions are legal in MA, we're total Puritans.

 

[aaj117]

I'm in New England for the first time and good god man the sexual repression is palpable, inter-racial dating here is like joining an alien conspiracy to disrupt the natural order of the universe, let alone being openly gay, you would terrify these poor puritanized folks.

It definitely depends on the individual city you're in. I've been in inter-racial queer relationships in new york and new jersey with absolutely no problems, wierd looks, or negative comments. I am mixed, half black and half white, and have dated black women, white women, black men, white men, hispanic men, and not really had many issues in public at all. Boston is a much more conservative city than NY for example. It's really hard to generalize "new england" i think.

 

[Nasrudin]

Riiiight...even though same sex unions are legal in MA, we're total Puritans.

The last stream of deists slows to to a trickle from the old republic and the proclivity for rules that abide independence prevails. I have theories but they're only for discussion. If you've lived in both places then you'd know what I mean. New Englanders are among the least funky people I've ever seen. Funk is one my scientific measuring apparatuses for intercultural exchange. For example even the white folks in New Orleans are funky. You cannot legislate funkiness.

But you have hit one of my other theories--that New England is uptight and humorless about itself. You could make fun of california and I'd be right there with you laughing the whole way but as soon as I poke of fun of one these traditionalized American microcultures and all of sudden I'm making fun of somebody's father's father's father who squated here back in the 1600's and this is one of the things that makes doing things different--namely dating whoever you please--easier in california because it is furiously engaged in a process of continual re-invention of itself.

And to the other respondent, I understand I am generalizing but there is a harshness in the northern cities that makes cross-culturalization more difficult than in california by comparison but yes if all you want is to be left alone then your safe in most big cities.

 

[Miss Alyssa]

I've never had a problem finding or dating successful black men, or those with potential (still in undergrad). I just strategically position myself where I come in contact with the type of man I like. I went through my Black Male Architect* phase. And... well... I was the only non-architect at the campus chapter of the Black architect society. I've dates a few black architects and have numerous black architect friends/acquaintances I will continue to do the same in medschool. I have no plans on dating/marrying another doctor. I will frequent the places that other successful black men frequent. If all else fails with North Americans, I will go back to the Caribbean; where I have issues keeping the men away!

So my advice, think about the type of man/woman that you are attracted to. Figure out where that type of person frequents. GO THERE! Oh, and smile. People seem so angry these days.


Lys

*changed to protect the innocent LOL

 

[akhilles604]

Hey all, I am currently applying to school now, and I am new to this site.
I am a married brother-yes she is black as well, and let me just say LADIES and brothers as well perhaps to a lesser degree, just my experience.
Ladies you need to clean out your closets and work on understanding and freeing yourself of ALL from your past. These things exist on a concious and subconcious level. For example growing up seeing mom and dad, or all the anguish and fear of relationships that result from not having a dad, growing up listening to mom and grandmoms, aunts and such trash men, prior relationships you still are scarred from etc. etc. I can go on.
I don't think the black community has embraced and seriously considered our mental health and all that has contributed to our mental health and all the things that make us US.
I am married and have been for a year and a half, and no I am not perfect but i can say i do not carry baggage, my baggage is me. Only through marital counseling with a an African American Phd, who is a family friend as well has my marriage blossomed because i can assure it was headed south.

We live in a culture in which everything EXTRINSIC to us is to make us feel better about ourselves. Cars, jewels, nice houses, fancy degrees after our names and so on. In reality nothing outside of yourself can make you feel better about yourself, and that is an axiom. I am very sympathetic and understanding of females and what they go through because of the level of patience and understanding it took to get to this point with my wife but nonetheless it is tough. Men have their own bull****, but it might too much for a man to shoulder his bull**** and all of yours too, most of which you probably are not aware of. Most MD students are type 1 personalities, but let me just say this and please pay attention to this, this is an AXIOM as well.

"we imagine that we should be able to establish a rich and satisfying relationship with someone we love, even if we have never learned to relate to ourselves in a rich and satisfying way . . . . "
-bell hooks in Communion (ladies read as well as Sisterhood of the Yam)

"we often dont see that how we relate to ourselves - that our outer relationships are but an extension of our inner lives, that we can only be as open and present with another as we are with ourselves. In the past, females were not encouraged from childhood in to look deeply into ourselves and be utterly content with what we found there"
-bell hooks
Once you work from the inside out, and work towards ridding yourself of all that is in you closet, then and only then will you be able to have these fulfilling relationships with others. Not the other way around as our culture bombards us with. ANd lastly ladies if a man of another race is going to give you what you need, then by all means, irrespective of what others think. COntrary to popular belief there is an abundance of black men out here, but if the starting criteria are: have a lot of degrees like me, make over X amount of dollars, and be able to mix and mingle with all my educated high falluting friends and their husbands/boyfriends, well yes the well may appear empty.

 

[Nasrudin]

Any body watching Henry Louis Gates Jr.'s superb body of work on Af. Am. family histories?--it's February I know, but it's truly a powerful body of work anytime of year.

I have to admit it moved me to reconsider my expectations for an insular safe environment for my interracial marriage. Who knows what kind of shameful mess I would encounter if i turned over the stones of my own family history.

Somehow seeing intimate history through african american family histories rather than the Gore Vidal books i'm partial too changed the way I looked at it or felt it--perhaps that was the difference. The often shameful violent history of interracial relationships is not so distant stuff in america.

It's hard to look at the details of. I guess I can understand on some level a brother looking at me with some primal instinct of angst. It's just weird to mix the present reality of my relationship with that history because if anybody saw the state I was in when my wife took a shine to me you would think she was a missionary, rather than being coerced by any racial issues that are presupposed by some people.

So...An honest question to the my black brothers out there...

How should I respond when a stranger looks at me and my wife with hate in their eyes. It's not like it happens all the time, but i recount a few times when I had to struggle to keep my fists out of the equation. If I harassed you when you had a white girl on your arm I would expect no different. funny thing is when i see other interracial couples i look at them fondly out of curiosity and then I think...oh crap the brother thinks i've got issues.

Any thoughts?

 

[Miss Alyssa]

COntrary to popular belief there is an abundance of black men out here, but if the starting criteria are: have a lot of degrees like me, make over X amount of dollars, and be able to mix and mingle with all my educated high falluting friends and their husbands/boyfriends, well yes the well may appear empty.

Degrees and money aside. I think intellectual compatibility is a MUST. If a man can't stimulate my thoughts, can't challenge me with deep conversation, essentially can't make love to my mind... then he's not the man for me. There would be a void, things I'd want to share and express, but not be able to because he is not 'there'.

My parents were relaying a story of going out to dinner with another couple. The other husband was not matched with the wife intellectually. As a result he sat there and didn't say much as my parents and his wife talked. He couldn't have been comfortable in that situation.

anyways, those are my thoughts

Lys