Hey guys,
I'm new here and facing unfortently a very hard decision in my life.
I'm a vet student, male, 25 years old living in europe (foreign student here) and i'm thinking deeply about dropping school after 6 semesters, because i'm became depressed and unhappy with my degree and can't imagine my self as a vet anymore.
I started vet school being motivated, but after 2 years faced the hard reality and it hit me hard - the long working hours, the bad payment (at least where i live), no free time - giving up your life for animals.
So back then (end of 2nd year) i thought to my self - lets give it a try, maybe the clinical years will be better, right? but it became very obvious for me that i can't do it.
So i thought OK, i dont have to practice right, but even then i cant think of anything that i would want to do when i have the degree, i've looked literally every option and i feel like throwing up knowing i have to do it all my life.
In the last month i can't wake up in the morning anymore, i can't read and can't study... I get panic attacks daily. I breath heavily and i'm very unpleasnt to be with because i'm angery that it didn't turn right for me.
It makes me think, do i really want to give up my health for something i dont even want to do anymore?
I mean - sure everyone has their moments when they ask themself if that really the right choice? but at the moment im very much beyond that. i basically started to HATE it. I only go to the courses that i have to go, and always try to avoid anything that has anything to do with animals. how did it happen to me?
So whats next? i have no idea. i got no money left (but got no debt), if i quit i can no longer continue (we all know that) and honestly i dont think i want to continue. My parents are disappointed at me and i wake up every morning feeling like crap. I'm still enrolled for the next semester, but i have 2 major tests coming up next week and i havent even read one page for them.
I'm really fed up with this profession, and i havn't even started with it, which makes me think that sooner or later i will probably give up as a vet or get a heart attack because of it or even worse, maybe comitting suicide because of it, but at the same time i can't give up these 3 years so easily, i've worked so hard.
How do i approach this, should i finish my degree and hate it? should i quit and face something else, somehow?
Hi Somevetstudent,
My heart goes out to you. Your sentiments echo my own, not in reference to veterinary school, but rather in connection with graduate school. In my fourth year of undergrad, I had to make a difficult decision- should I attend veterinary school, or pursue a PhD in physiology and a career as an academic scientist. I went the graduate school route, and ended up leaving the program with a Master's Degree after 8 years of investment. Walking away was one of the most difficult decisions I have ever had to make.
I knew I wanted out of academic science by around my 2nd-3rd year in the program, but didn't have the gumption to walk away at that earlier juncture due to a variety of factors. There is a lot of self-doubt that goes along with making a decision like this. First, you end up asking yourself "Am I unhappy because I truly don't like this" or "Am I unhappy because I'm incompetent, and just need to try harder." Or, "Maybe I just don't have what it takes to be successful in this field." Then there's the inertia of investment already made that plays into the decision- "I've already put in x number of years, surely I can continue to tough it out." Finally, there's the fear of "What will people think of me if I walk away?" "Will people think I'm a failure at life, that I can't cut it?" All these questions and more went through my head too many times to count for years before I made the commitment to walk.
I distinctly remember the moment I decided to leave my PhD behind for good. I was sitting at my desk in the lab, reading yet another manuscript that I had to slog to get through. An incredibly clear voice rang through my head- "I don't want to do this anymore." By that stage, I had lost 20 lbs, wasn't eating correctly, was plagued by migraine headaches and never slept well. I was more exhausted and strung out than I had ever been before.
When I told my graduate advisor that I was leaving, tears streamed down my face as I handed over ownership of 8 years of work- 10 research notebooks and 5 CDs worth of data. He and I had a challenging relationship, but were still close. I distinctly recall him telling me that he couldn't imagine how tough it was to make the call that I did. He affirmed my intelligence and tenacity, and told me that I could be successful in any endeavor that I chose (I had the raw talent and drive), but I had to want it. Academic science had lost its shine for me years before that moment, for a variety of reasons. He knew it, and more importantly, I knew it. We parted ways on good terms. There was no malice or judgment on his part directed towards me for exiting my PhD.
After that, I was at a loss. The PhD goal had defined my identity for so long that I didn't know what to do with myself. I met with career counselors and psychologists, and got my life back on track. I worked in private industry for a number of years (in a technical capacity with research animals), and then went back to academia as a staff scientist to manage the in vivo research program of a successful PI.
I never lost sight of my goal to become a veterinarian. While pursuing my PhD, I became very close with the attending veterinarian of the institution. I was inspired by his work, and set my sights on following in his footsteps. Five years out of grad school, I did exactly that. I'm now about to begin my third year of vet school, and couldn't be happier. My career has truly come full circle. My PhD advisor was one of my most ardent supporters when it came to my vet school applications. He wrote one of my letters, and he and I communicate frequently. I never would have known anything about lab animal medicine had I not attended grad school. My veterinary mentor from that chapter of my life and I still talk often. He now works for private industry, and I just attended a professional conference where we had the chance to meet in person. It was wonderful to reconnect with him face to face.
Given that backstory, here is my advice:
-Never let let anyone else decide the conditions of your happiness. You are the one who needs to live with your life. Make decisions that move you in the direction of this goal.
-If you leave, leave on good terms. Never burn bridges. It never ceases to amaze me how small the world truly is.
-I once received an excellent piece of advice from one of the faculty in my graduate program. I was complaining about the fact that I thought I had ruined my life. He simply said: "You'd be amazed at what you can recover from." It's the truth. Human beings are incredibly resistant. Life will go on and the sun will rise in the morning. What you choose to do with the promise of a new day is up to you.
-Look for the good. Even though you're in a very dark hole right now, I would hazard a guess that not everything about your experience in vet school was negative. There were many, many positives about my life in graduate school. I made some wonderful friends, did some awesome science, and forged relationships with mentors that have influenced me for life. That was time well spent. When people ask me if I would do my life differently a second time around, I answer that I would alter my responses to situations, but not the situations themselves. Such is the wisdom of age, hard won with experience (much of it challenging). Those 8 years shaped me. I'm a better person for having lived through them.
-Realize that actions have consequences. Accept and come to terms with this fact. I'm currently 37 years old. The youngest student in my class is 21, and the mean age is likely 24-25. I'm 'way behind' in the calculus of an efficient veterinary career. I'm in mountains of debt, and I'll be paying off my loans until I die. I'll never have the letters 'PhD' next to my name, even though I did a crap load of work in grad school. All of these consequences were as a result of my decisions. No one forced my hand. As such, I can live with those realities.
-Get a clear idea of what you really want out of life. If job is important to you, think about the function of the job role rather than the title. What do you want to do as part of your day to day? What type of people do you want to surround yourself with? In what environment are you the most comfortable?
-Talk to professionals- mental health, career direction, and folks who have been there/done that before. This will be great support for you as you move forward with your decision.
-Get solid with your own decision before breaking the news to friends and family. I didn't tell my Mother that I had walked away from my PhD until a month after the deed was done. I wanted to be 100% sure that the decision I was making was mine, and not influenced by the well meaning intentions of others.
-Have confidence in your abilities to retool and be successful. You're a smart guy. Remind yourself of that with evidence from your past as you mount your next job search. Cast your experience in a flexible light (push transferable skills). After leaving grad school, I applied for over 50 jobs. I had never worked in corporate, and was hired into a supervisory role in a field with which I had no direct experience on the strength of my cover letter, CV, and interview. I should also mention that there was no official job posting at this location. I was interested in working there, researched the company, got myself connected to a person with the power to hire, and had a job created for me. Your success is up to you. Getting there takes lots of effort, a thick skin for rejection, and a little luck.
At the end of the day, you are responsible for your own happiness and contribution in this life. Most mistakes aren't permanent. As a scientist, I tend to chalk these up to 'research' for future endeavors. Think long and hard about why you're leaving, and what you want to do next. Never make life-altering decisions at a crisis-point.
Best of success! You've only got one life. Make your trips around the sun your own. You never know which day will be your last. Make each day count.
