Facebook is ruining my self esteem

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Stuart Smalley

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Just have to get this off my chest...

I'm a second year. I had five close friends in college and had a great time. However here in med school (on the other side of the country), I feel like the most unlikable person on the planet and have no friends at all.

Facebook keeps reminding me of this. For example, today I had dinner by myself, assuming that all my classmates were gone for the holidays. Then I logged on to facebook to see that a dozen of them had dinner together (all of whom I know). Of course I was not invited. There were also pictures of a Christmas party attended by at least a hundred of my classmates... but not me :(. This kind of thing happens on a daily basis.

I want to get rid of my facebook account because it makes me feel bad about myself, but I also don't want to be completely isolated (especially since I study from home).

I'm a bit socially awkward, but that never kept me from making good friends before. My med school is a lot more sophisticated than my undergrad was. I think my biggest problem is that most of my classmates are very good looking, sophisticated, and not at all awkward so they have no desire to hang out with me. There is no one on my social level.

Just bummed and felt like complaining.

On the other hand, I'm thankful for my college friends, my family, and that there's only 3 weeks left until Christmas break.
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Stuart Smalley said:
It's the name of a classic SNL character played by Al Franken before he got into politics. There's also a movie.
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nice. sen. fraken is a great man. when i used to work on capitol hill i had the chance to meet him. he's funny in person as well

anyways, just deactivate your fb account. :thumbup: and it's not like you wana go to a party that doesn't interest you?!
 
study at school. i hear similar complaints from others who study at home, if youre not around much, youre probobly not going to get the invite. also if you turned down a few invites at the begining of the yr people tend to stop trying.
 
Study at school, work out at the school gym, and join some student organizations and you will meet more people.
 
officedepot said:
don't sweat it. I used to think that way until I realized how much I actually dislike being around most of my classmates. Just find those 1, 2 or 3 good friends and you'll be fine.

Also would you have gone to that party anyway? Maybe you just missed the invite that was going around. If you want to be more sociable you'll just have to make an effort to get out there. You can't blame anyone but yourself if you don't even try. Invites just don't magically happen. Ask what's going on. I bet your classmates wouldn't mind having you along. Any negative thoughts you think they have about you are likely just that... your own thoughts and nothing else.
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You are right. I should make more of an effort. I tried pretty hard last year, but by the end of the year everyone had their groups of friends and I became discouraged. Now I'm starting to dread going to class parties, and I've been attending less and less of them.

I would be happy if I could just find a couple of people to hang out with. There must be someone who I click with out of 200...
 
acesup123 said:
Study at school, work out at the school gym, and join some student organizations and you will meet more people.
Click to expand...

I studied at school for about half of last year and it didn't make much of a difference. Once things started really heating up work-wise, I didn't have time to go to school. It is hard for me to focus at school and class moves too fast for me to get much out of it. (Class is recorded and I make heavy use of the "pause" button.)

Maybe I should join a student group though...
 
Stuart Smalley said:
Now I'm starting to dread going to class parties, and I've been attending less and less of them.

I would be happy if I could just find a couple of people to hang out with. There must be someone who I click with out of 200...
Click to expand...

I feel for you, but I think this tells the story. If you don't like going out with the class it may show. There probably is someone you click with, they probably just already have a social circle. So either you get into that one or continue as you are.
 
Stuart Smalley said:
Just have to get this off my chest...

I'm a second year. I had five close friends in college and had a great time. However here in med school (on the other side of the country), I feel like the most unlikable person on the planet and have no friends at all.

Facebook keeps reminding me of this. For example, today I had dinner by myself, assuming that all my classmates were gone for the holidays. Then I logged on to facebook to see that a dozen of them had dinner together (all of whom I know). Of course I was not invited. There were also pictures of a Christmas party attended by at least a hundred of my classmates... but not me :(. This kind of thing happens on a daily basis.

I want to get rid of my facebook account because it makes me feel bad about myself, but I also don't want to be completely isolated (especially since I study from home).

I'm a bit socially awkward, but that never kept me from making good friends before. My med school is a lot more sophisticated than my undergrad was. I think my biggest problem is that most of my classmates are very good looking, sophisticated, and not at all awkward so they have no desire to hang out with me. There is no one on my social level.

Just bummed and felt like complaining.

On the other hand, I'm thankful for my college friends, my family, and that there's only 3 weeks left until Christmas break.
Click to expand...

Stop using Facebook.
Stop using SDN too.
Your self-esteem should improve over the next few weeks.
 
Do you like hanging out with your classmates? If you had been invited, would you have gone?

I'm guessing not.

It's funny, because the same thing happened to me. Rumors of some big party, and then a few days later facebook pics with around half the class. While it would have pissed me off in college, TBH it didn't bother me at all. Med school seems to attract a certain kind of person, and for whatever reason I just don't click with them - I noticed this in college too, none of my friends were pre-meds.

OTOH, if I made an effort to talk to people more present myself on campus once in a while, I'm sure someone would have invited me. In fact when I spend a lot of time on campus, I notice people start to tell me about these outings. Maybe the same is true for you.Even if people don't particularly like you, in my class people are generally nice enough that they'll invite you to a big outing anyway if they see you trying to be social.

If all this is true, then it shouldn't bother you. Your lack of an invite is just a function of your own choices, not necessarily anyone's perception of your personality.

Then again, maybe my felony status has something to do with it.
 
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i think you need to try to really put yourself out there. try to study at school just a little bit (doesn't have to be all the time, but make a regular appearance).

there was one person i was fairly close with at the beginning of school. this person feels like i've been more distant. the problem is the friend is a hermit. they like to study at home and i like to study at school. at school, groups of people will have dinner together, make small talk with familiar faces, silently study together, bond. it's easy in that it requires less effort that making a point to go out and see someone.

from my perspective, i have limited time. to an extent, there's only so much i can do to be a person's friend. i can't go chase them down when they're not willing to do the same.

try stopping by the student lounge once in a while, ask people if they want to study together, go to lecture for appearances sake, host a wine night at your place.

if you're in second year, the it's only going to get harder and harder as your peers start cracking down on studying for step 1. seize the moment :luck:
 
OTOH, if I made an effort to talk to people more present myself on campus once in a while, I'm sure someone would have invited me. In fact when I spend a lot of time on campus, I notice people start to tell me about these outings. Maybe the same is true for you.Even if people don't particularly like you, in my class people are generally nice enough that they'll invite you to a big outing anyway if they see you trying to be social.
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qft
 
SexualOffender said:
Do you like hanging out with your classmates? If you had been invited, would you have gone?

I'm guessing not.

It's funny, because the same thing happened to me. Rumors of some big party, and then a few days later facebook pics with around half the class. While it would have pissed me off in college, TBH it didn't bother me at all. Med school seems to attract a certain kind of person, and for whatever reason I just don't click with them - I noticed this in college too, none of my friends were pre-meds.

OTOH, if I made an effort to talk to people more present myself on campus once in a while, I'm sure someone would have invited me. In fact when I spend a lot of time on campus, I notice people start to tell me about these outings. Maybe the same is true for you.Even if people don't particularly like you, in my class people are generally nice enough that they'll invite you to a big outing anyway if they see you trying to be social.

If all this is true, then it shouldn't bother you. Your lack of an invite is just a function of your own choices, not necessarily anyone's perception of your personality.

Then again, maybe my felony status has something to do with it.
Click to expand...

What you are saying is so true. Lots of my classmates are actually really nice people and when I go to social things (I used to go out all the time), they are nice to me. It is weird though because I feel like they are being nice because they are nice people and not because they like me. Then again, maybe this is all in my head? Arg!

I guess now that I'm using SDN as a shrink and giving this more thought, there were two precipitating factors. First, my bf (a classmate) cheated on me. Never date a classmate!!! Then a couple of people made some pretty mean comments to me (I was shocked because I hadn't heard anyone say stuff like that since junior high). This all happened toward the end of last year, and that's about the same time (a) I started feeling really awkward, and (b) all my classmates settled into their circles of friends. The timing was not good.

I don't know what my problem is: Do I not like how my classmates make me feel? Or do I not like the person I'm becoming, and I'm projecting those thoughts onto others?

Btw before turning to SDN, I tried to talk to my Dad about this. His response in a nut shell: "You need to get married. Then you'll have someone around all the time so you don't have to worry about not having friends. I didn't have any friends so I married your mom."
 
med students are dicks.

I used to be the centre of all the social events when we first started in ms1. then i figured out a lot of them were a bunch of pretentious arrogant characters who I really didn't like very much at all, found the ones I liked and stuck to them. find a close circle of friends, and don't bother with the high school 2.0 drama that comes with med school.

don't worry about the boyfriend, you'll get plenty of pipe when you're on the wards.
 
gluteusminimus said:
hahah buddy i feel EXACTLY the same way. back at home i have a huge community of friends and at med school i have nobody. i think most of my class are fake jackasses, i dont think they even know what real friends are. they pretend to "like each other" and their idea of a good time is getting super drunk and hooking up after a test. they dont go out otherwise. i really dont like these kids. chhristmas...why u so far away??
Click to expand...

drinking and having sex aren't fun? :confused:
 
Stuart Smalley said:
Btw before turning to SDN, I tried to talk to my Dad about this. His response in a nut shell: "You need to get married. Then you'll have someone around all the time so you don't have to worry about not having friends. I didn't have any friends so I married your mom."
Click to expand...

I'm not sure why, but that made me laugh so hard that my husband came up from the basement to see what was so funny. As a married med student with no real med student friends yet, I can attest that it is possible to still worry about this fact, but I admit having my husband makes it easier.

I have to second the good advice you've already been given. You're probably making too much of your perceived social awkwardness. Maybe the solution is to spend a little more time either on facebook or around campus, and when you hear about an event that interests you before it happens, fish for an invitation from someone you know. That being said, I usually opt for the what-I-don't-know-about-can't-make-me-feel-left-out approach you are considering; I'm just not sure I would recommend it.
 
bashir said:
That being said, I usually opt for the what-I-don't-know-about-can't-make-me-feel-left-out approach you are considering; I'm just not sure I would recommend it.
Click to expand...

I hadn't put words to it, but that exactly nails the approach I was considering.
 
OP does your class have a FB page? Often someone posts open invites to after-test parties ect on our class FB page. You're really not missing much though, med student parties tend to be pretty lame.
 
Don't worry. I feel pretty alone too. A lot of my class goes out drinking but I don't like drinking so I never really go to events.

ZBO0D.gif
 
Don't forget, the parties always look more fun on FB than they actually are.
 
gluteusminimus said:
i have respect for myself, so no, meaningless empty sex with random people and drinking to the point of embarassment are not fun to me.
Click to expand...

Who said it has to be meaningless or empty and who says you can't drink in moderation?

Anyway I'm sure not everyone who goes out after a test is wasted and hooking up. Just a generalization people like to make.
 
I never really got along with batchmates in med school either. It was partly coz it was difficult to strike up a conversation when you have very less in common or anything in way of shared experiences. It didn't help that i joined a med school 1700 miles from home, in a state, where I didn't know the native language and 85% of my batchmates were from that region. Not to mention that they hated medical students from other states. As an MS1, i would spend most of my time hanging out with residents with whom I shared an apartment. Second year rolled in and i got to know my classmates better as we spend more and more time together on clinical rotations and exams. As I got to know others around me better, I made one or two really good friends, whom I respected for their insight, knowledge and just the pleasure of having a coffee or a drink with them, being able to open up, share and talk about stuff and just learning something new from em every single time. There were just those couple of friends and that is all one needs.
FB, is a waste of time and just good as a contact directory. Having deactivated my account for months now, I can assure you that you won't loose much. Try twitter, it's a much better social platform that conforms to your interests, likes and dislikes. Sometimes, it's difficult standing out in a crowd, but really is it worth going along with everyone. Four, five years down the line you will find that every time you are in despair or really happy, you'll be calling the same bunch of friends you have known for years or maybe a couple of more whose bonds have become thicker than blood. It's never the numbers and dont go by pics and all that social bullcrap. Real people live real lives, not virtual(read fb) ones.
 
Mithril said:
Don't worry. I feel pretty alone too. A lot of my class goes out drinking but I don't like drinking so I never really go to events.

ZBO0D.gif
Click to expand...

Yeah my school is in the middle of nowhere, so not drinking pretty much excludes me from 99% of social activities :laugh:
 
I go to a school where the majority of the people don't really study excellently. Those that do are clique-y and I feel your pain, SS. I am depressed there. However, it's good to stick with a few close people if you can and hang out with them. I try to do that and it does help. Also, make a note to talk with your close friends from home weekly. And in terms of the social events, I've gone to a few and it's scary at first but I felt okay going and interacting (shockingly, I am a closet sociable person). Do something that shocks you. You don't have to go out all the time, but just attend a few things every once in awhile.
 
as someone who just turned down hitting the clubs with his classmates last weekend, you aren't missing much

1. med students are lame as **** (this includes me)
2. **** always looks amazing on fb, when it blew IRL
3. work on your social skills
 
PrideNeverDie said:
as someone who just turned down hitting the clubs with his classmates last weekend, you aren't missing much

1. med students are lame as **** (this includes me)
2. **** always looks amazing on fb, when it blew IRL
3. work on your social skills
Click to expand...

1 - speak for yourself
2 - it really depends on where you're going and what city you're in. I know I've had a great time in Atlanta
 
It's completely normal. You're gonna look back and it's not going to make a difference. Your family and your friends before med school are still there. Med school is not a popularity contest. Hang out with those that you feel comfortable with, you're not here to prove anything.
 
PrideNeverDie said:
as someone who just turned down hitting the clubs with his classmates last weekend, you aren't missing much

1. med students are lame as **** (this includes me)
2. **** always looks amazing on fb, when it blew IRL
Click to expand...

Didn't put this in my post, but it's the truth.

RIP Zyzz
 
Video games are better than friends.
 
This is one of the most depressing posts I have seen on sdn.

There are probably other people who feel isolated or alone in your class as well. If you need something to look forward to, you will have working relationships and shared experiences with your classmates in clinical rotations. Good luck,Stuart Smiley.
 
I live 30 miles away from campus, so I feel excluded (b/c I'd rather be home with my bf) socially as well. These things help...

1. Ask a couple of people to have dinner after a test (ask people you genuinely like)
2. Do some volunteering (Good way to be social while giving back... win win, plus I met my bf volunteering at a diabetes walk)
3. Join some interest groups or go to one of those evening clinics (suturing, intubation etc.) It can be a real bonding experience and you learn something new.
4. Be yourself. The person that tries really hard to be liked is annoying.

I am socially awkward as well, but I feel that I have found the right balance for me. I don't get invited to the big parties/clubbing events (which is fine, b/c I wouldn't go), but I still feel like I have friends and that my class as a whole likes me.
 
inmyslumber said:
This is one of the most depressing posts I have seen on sdn.

There are probably other people who feel isolated or alone in your class as well. If you need something to look forward to, you will have working relationships and shared experiences with your classmates in clinical rotations. Good luck,Stuart Smiley.
Click to expand...

Translation: OP, things will get better in 3rd year, once you're forced to interact with people you never liked/noticed/cared about/would never otherwise interact with. Don't worry, it'll be great! In time you'll realize that you weren't such a good judge of character after all. Everyone is actually just fabulous...and nothing compares to "workplace bonding." It's the best! :thumbup:

Doesn't it feel good to be the object of others' pity?
 
SexualOffender said:
It's funny, because the same thing happened to me. Rumors of some big party, and then a few days later facebook pics with around half the class. While it would have pissed me off in college, TBH it didn't bother me at all. Med school seems to attract a certain kind of person, and for whatever reason I just don't click with them - I noticed this in college too, none of my friends were pre-meds.
Click to expand...

qft
 
Stuart Smalley said:
What you are saying is so true. Lots of my classmates are actually really nice people and when I go to social things (I used to go out all the time), they are nice to me. It is weird though because I feel like they are being nice because they are nice people and not because they like me. Then again, maybe this is all in my head? Arg!

I guess now that I'm using SDN as a shrink and giving this more thought, there were two precipitating factors. First, my bf (a classmate) cheated on me. Never date a classmate!!! Then a couple of people made some pretty mean comments to me (I was shocked because I hadn't heard anyone say stuff like that since junior high). This all happened toward the end of last year, and that's about the same time (a) I started feeling really awkward, and (b) all my classmates settled into their circles of friends. The timing was not good.

I don't know what my problem is: Do I not like how my classmates make me feel? Or do I not like the person I'm becoming, and I'm projecting those thoughts onto others?

Btw before turning to SDN, I tried to talk to my Dad about this. His response in a nut shell: "You need to get married. Then you'll have someone around all the time so you don't have to worry about not having friends. I didn't have any friends so I married your mom."
Click to expand...

I feel like I have been in a somewhat similar situation, and my mom always says the same thing to me. I was fine during the first year of med school because I had a good group of friends I studied with regularly and hung out with as well. Second year I pulled away a little because they partied more than I wanted to so they slowly decreased how often they invited me out. Third year I did my rotations at a hospital with only a handful of students so I felt lonely a lot of the time. I can't tell you how many times she told me to find a boyfriend or get married.

Honestly though, you don't want to marry someone just because you're lonely. Right now you don't sound too happy and you're not going to find someone if you're not upbeat about your life and what you're doing. Try to remember why you're in med school and what you're working for, and that should make you feel a little better. You're not there to make friends and party, you're there to become a physician. If you want to hang out with people more, I agree with the other responses that you need to put yourself out there more. Study at the library occasionally, or if you know people study at certain coffee shops or restaurants maybe try them out a few times. If you say hi and ask how their studying is going, they'll probably be nice and invite you if they're heading out for dinner. And if they don't, forget them. When you get into a great residency where you want to be, you'll meet like-minded people that you will get to know and become friends with and you won't even care about those losers in med school.

Good luck. Don't beat yourself up, it gets better.
 
Some all-too-true responses motivated to try harder socially, so I actually asked a few people if they want to go see a movie after finals... and someone said yes. Maybe I'll make a new friend :) Thanks for the encouragement, guys!

After reading some responses, and re-reading my own posts, I realize that I sound depressed/pitiful/lonely. I was being way too emo. From that list, I am only lonely. I actually enjoy my life a lot--I love the city I'm in, I love studying (most of the time) and am doing well academically, this year I got an apartment that I love, etc.

To everyone who said that they're in a similar spot, we can get through this! I'll send positive thoughts your way! And if you ever feel embarressed, just picture me cold-calling classmates who I barely know and asking them to join me for, basically, a play date. :laugh: (Not sure if that's what PrideNeverDies had in mind when he/she told me to practice my social skills.)
 
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OP, if facebook is capable of ruining your self-esteem, you had none to begin with.
 
People just jealous of first world problems yo
 
"There is no one on my social level."

wat

You're bummed that you didn't receive an invitation, but how many times have you asked those people if they wanted to hang out? You need to talk to people and build relationships, not just friend someone on facebook and expect things to happen. I know that medical school is not easy but you should definitely take out time to get to know at least some of your classmates. It's not too late to start and all it would take is a conversation with someone. It's not like most people are going to go out of their way to exclude you, unless you're really a weirdo.

Also, you need to take responsibility for your decisions. "I think my biggest problem is that most of my classmates are very good looking, sophisticated, and not at all awkward so they have no desire to hang out with me."
W955d.jpg

7LIJs.jpg

Take a look at these two men. The women in the picture are the women they dated. To me, it sounds like you're limiting yourself with respect to whom you can associate with. There's really no such thing; society can set limits but it's up to individuals to dictate their own actions. No one is forcing you to use facebook. You're making a conscious choice to type the url into your web browser and enter the website. Another thing is that people can look like they're having fun in pictures and they probably are, but pictures are a contrived section of any event. They certainly do not encompass the entire experience by any account.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Hey Stuart Smalley,

I remember reading a post of yours in a previous thread (back in the Fall of 2010) where you said that you love your school and "like all of my classmates."

So what changed? What happened to the spark your felt for your class back then?

Was it breaking up with your boyfriend and starting to avoid his social circle?

Or did you find out more about your classmates that you didn't know before? You seemed to have a great time back when you began med school. :(
 
ModerateMouse said:
Hey Stuart Smalley,

I remember reading a post of yours in a previous thread (back in the Fall of 2010) where you said that you love your school and "like all of my classmates."

So what changed? What happened to the spark your felt for your class back then?

Was it breaking up with your boyfriend and starting to avoid his social circle?

Or did you find out more about your classmates that you didn't know before? You seemed to have a great time back when you began med school. :(
Click to expand...

First of all, you have an amazing memory. If you haven't taken anatomy yet, you're going to kick a**.

I still do like almost all my classmates, minus the exceptions I pointed out already (ex and a few clearly bad apples). Most are totally nice. I guess that's what makes me feel upset. If I didn't like them, then I wouldn't really care what they thought of me, or how I get along with them, or want to hang out with them.

Avoiding my ex didn't help, which is why I mentioned it. I think the biggest thing, though, was noticing that although my classmates are nice to me, they do not seem to like me. I am not connecting with them. As a result I've grown more and more distant (which is largely my own fault, because I've tried less and less to be a part of the group). I do not blame this on my classmates because most have been nothing but cordial to me.

kpcrew2oo2 is right, I need to either get off facebook or really start making an effort! Or preferably both.

Fall 2010 was the start of my med school career so I was really speaking too soon. Also my school has a reputation on SDN for having lots of gunners, which probably played a role in why I stressed how much I like my classmates (I tend to be overly loyal to schools, and the "gunner" reputation honestly is not accurate). But even now, I still love my school and still like all my classmates :)
 
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Hey, buddy!

I used to be so socially awkward that I'd actually prefer not to elaborate entirely. Now, however, I'm a different person, and this is how I changed forever.

First, either permanently remove all screen activities (TV, movies, computer, games, iPhone, etc.) out of your schedule or commit to a weekly fast, in which you make a point of only being screen active on one day of each week. I personally use every other Sunday to watch Fringe, Once Upon a Time and the Seattle Seahawks' game.

Second, work out regularly. Actually, make that religiously. Commit to both weight training and cardio exercises. This elevates my self-esteem in ways I cannot describe. It helps me cognitively as well!

Third, be socially positive all the time by smiling eccentrically, and talk using associative thinking. For example, if someone's sharing a story of their dog ruining their chair, share one of your own feelings or experiences associated to that person's story. Make sure it's positive though - nobody likes a downer.
 
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