Family wants vs Individual needs

[CareBear84]

This is my first thread, so i hope it's worth reading... if not feel free to move along, but i was hoping for a little clarity and advice from my fellow SDNers. Well here it goes, so for the past year i've been doing research at NIH as an IRTA and I truly love what i'm doing. Well not so much the mundane everyday stuff that comes with a 9-5, but the research is incredible, the people i've met here have been great, the opportunities here one-of-a-kind and of course being in DC i mean what else can i say. However my time here has been a bit challenging financially, but i've made it through hard times, I've definately matured a lot and am ready for a second year. Also i think there is a good chance my research project may get published and i'll be an author...something that i know is rare and i just very feel fortunate to be where i am.

So that's me, now my family, not to get into dramatics but i come from a single parent household, and left my mom and sis in Cali to come out here to do my indepent thing because i've been there my whole life and wanted a major change...but now my mom is laying on the guilt trip pretty thick...saying that i need to be home now, and i can do research there, or better yet i really should be working a real job to save $$ for med school.

My mom has always been a voice of reason, so i really take her advice to heart, but i'll be the first in my family applying to med school and although they try to help they really don't know what it all takes...heck i'm still learning. I'm just confused, I already told my PI i'm ready to stay a 2nd yr, but now with this i feel like if i stay i'm being completely selfish and not thinking of the family. Has anyone else had to deal with this? I guess going home won't be so bad, i just don't want to feel like i'm missing out on my opportunity here, or that i have to take a step back from my path to make everyone else happy....

Any advice, or words would be appreciated...

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[bigDee]

You not fulfilling someone's selfish desire != you're selfish

 

[63768]

it's one year out of the decades you have before you. you should do what's best for you and your life. your mom's life has come and gone.

if i were you, i'd look for a possible middle ground. maybe you can ask your PI about opportunities in your hometown. maybe you can find a research job out there doing what you're doing now and expand your connections and experiences. but don't go home for the sake of pleasing your mom. do it if it pleases or furthers you and your career.

and lol, a real job to save for med school? either you're going to go to a state school, where tuition will almost be a joke, or you're going to a private school, where the money you have left over after personal expenses will be chump change compared to all the expenses of med school.

of course i'm a pragmatist so my opinion has little to do with emotions.

 

[psipsina]

Its very difficult sometimes for family to understand this process. Maybe you could try to explain the magnitude of being published and the effect it would have on you application and how you wouldn't be able to do that in a year at home. I think if your family was in trouble and needed you home that would be one thing, but just because your mom would prefer you to be home doesn't seem like enough to give up something you're loving and thats opening doors for your future. There is a big chance that you'll end up away from home for medschool and or residency too so this might want to be something you discuss with your family now and try to get them to adjust to the idea.

 

[LizzyM]

Perhaps mom needs to know a few things that aren't obvious to non-scientists:

1. Research jobs are not interchangable. You know the techniques and protocols in "your" lab and you are making progress in answering a specific research question that may lead to a publication. You could not move to a lab in Cali and pick up where you left off.

2. Publications might help you get merit scholarships for med school so while research may not pay, it can be like money in the bank.

3. Comparing what most college educated new grads can make in the workplace with the cost of medical school, it is obvious that whatever savings you can manage will be a drop in the bucket. The average medical student borrows the equivalent of "a house" and pays it back like a morgage over many years.

Is there something your mom is not telling you? Does she need your physical presence to help her with your sis or with computer/car repairs or other household tasks? Is she lonely or ill? Acknowledge whatever it is that is driving her requests and tell her although you can appreciate that things are difficult for her, you are doing what you need to do to achieve your goals and that these goals are important to you. Get her to buy-in on your dream: Ask her to acknowledge that your desire to be admitted to medical school is a worthwhile goal and ask for her moral support even if what you need to do to make it happen requires some self-sacrifice on her part.

 

[trichomoniasis]

stuff

are you supporting yourself in DC or is your mom paying for your rent and things? If you're financially dependent on your family, and they need you to be around, you need to be around. I dunno, family first IMO.

 

[armybound]

are you supporting yourself in DC or is your mom paying for your rent and things? If you're financially dependent on your family, and they need you to be around, you need to be around. I dunno, family first IMO.

Along those lines, if you're independent and your family doesn't depend on you, keep doing your own thing.

If you are dependent, you need to explain how important this research experience is and how jobs back in CA aren't the same. The only reason I could see for you NEEDING to go home (instead of your mom WANTING you home) is if you're dependent on her and causing unnecessary financial difficulty to her.

 

[AlfieOES]

CareBear84,

I have been in a similar situation as yourself. I grew up and went to college in North Carolina and after I graduated, I moved to Houston, TX to work in cancer research at M.D. Anderson Cancer Center. In addition, my girlfriend at the time and now wife, moved with me. We were engaged before we left, but it was a huge leap of faith on her part because she is very close with her parents. After our first year in Houston, we really wanted to move back east because we missed everything about that part of the country, from family and friends to the beautiful scenery that we had come to appreciate. However, I made the difficult decision to stay another year to finish out my research project, and I am now in the position to be first author on the paper. It was well worth the wait, and I made some great connections while out there. We are now living back east, and I am applying to medical school this summer. Although I would certainly like to go to medical school in this part of the country, we are fully aware of the fact that life can lead us in the most unpredictable of directions. Based on my experiences, I think you should stick it out. After all, it is only one year and it could carry a tremendous impact in your future.

Best of Luck!

 

[CareBear84]

are you supporting yourself in DC or is your mom paying for your rent and things? If you're financially dependent on your family, and they need you to be around, you need to be around. I dunno, family first IMO.

I have taken it upon myself to just be completely financially independent and take care of all of my own expenses. My family tries to help when they can, like paying for a plane ticket home or something like that but it's not significant to where my parents can afford to pay my rent or anything like that (btw parents are divorced, dad is in the pic but that's a whole other story). I take care of all those things, on top of paying off some undergrad loans and all of AMCAS apps that will be coming out of my pocket. Plus running to mom everytime i need help with $, would only further prove her point that i need to be home.

 

[Steiner]

Why not finish all the bench research in DC, and then go home. You can do the stats and edits long distance and still do most of the authoring, thereby maintaining 1st author and going home. I think that would be a compromise, although if there is no way to leave and maintain authorship, then stay. Publications look better than "making Mom happy" on applications, but maybe you can do both.

 

[Cueball3]

I have taken it upon myself to just be completely financially independent and take care of all of my own expenses. My family tries to help when they can, like paying for a plane ticket home or something like that but it's not significant to where my parents can afford to pay my rent or anything like that (btw parents are divorced, dad is in the pic but that's a whole other story). I take care of all those things, on top of paying off some undergrad loans and all of AMCAS apps that will be coming out of my pocket. Plus running to mom everytime i need help with $, would only further prove her point that i need to be home.

I think that you already know your decision and are looking to us for some reassurance (which is totally understandable, btw). This is your life. Do what's best for you. In the end, you need to be happy. Good luck.