For Snow White and all the brokenhearted women

[Smilemaker100]

Dear Snow White (and all the women out there who have been broken hearted),

I don't know how old you are but I think as you get older, you will see things in a different light and you will realize that what happened had to happen for a reason...so that someone better would come along. There is a reason for everything that happens in your life whether you believe it or not.

A friend of mine once told me a memorable phrase, " It takes a jeweler to know what a jewel is so if a man doesn't appreciate who you are it's because he is not a jeweler."

I think the worst thing you can ever do is to cry over a broken relationship, neglect yourself and believe it is the end of your life. Never waste or shed a tear for one who would never cry for you. I had my share of tears and I vowed that I would never let it happen again. All the experiences I had only made me stronger and more independent so that I would never bow my head in weakness to any man ever again...never send love poems to a man again...never cook for a man again...never idolize a man no matter how attractive or seemingly nice or charming he appeared. I promised myself never to show how I felt without being certain of how a man felt for me in return...in other words, I still believe that man is the agressor and women are to be pursued...no matter how educated women are , we will never be the same as men.

The feminist movement has completely given women the wrong impression that we are equal...yes, men and women are equal in terms of their human rights , however, biologically, just like other creatures in the animal kingdom, males have to work hard to impress the opposite sex to prove that he is worthy as a mate and potential father of your progeny !Laugh if you want but it is biological and you can't fight what is natural!

Men need to be challenged! They need to work hard to earn your respect and love! Women who pursue men are likely to end up in a failed relationship somewhere down the line...maybe in one month, a few years or 30 years...when women demonstrate more initial interest towards a man than a woman does, the relationship is doomed to fail. Men want to feel like they have won the lottery and are dating the prom queen! They don't want a woman who has no self respect or self dignity and believes she can never meet another man who will ever love her!

We are so deluded when we are young. We get so attached to these ideals that we forget to live our lives. Snow White, the best thing you can do right now is live as passionately as you can. Keep yourself occupied! Live with a vengeance everyday! Get involved not only with your career but with community/volunteer work and hobbies or perhaps volunteer to become a doctor in the third world with organizations such as "Doctors Without Borders". You don't only find love from a man but from your family, friends, patients, co-workers and other people who cross your path and most importantly...love from within. I don't know if you believe in God, but if you don't , one day you may realize that the most important love in the world is that between you and your Divine Creator as well as self-love. If you have a lot of faith in God, you won't feel like you are really missing something because God's love is unconditional and no man can ever match that.

I think being single will give you the chance to explore and get to know yourself . It is an opportunity to seize! An opportunity to evolve and become more introspective and spiritual. If you have faith, you won't feel as sad nor as lonely. And besides, one day or another , you will be separated from loved ones on the earthly plane but not from God...God's love is there from the moment you breathe your first breath till the last breath you expire and after.

Anyhow, Snow White, remember, there is "plenty of fish in the sea" so go out and swim! Live! There is more to life then men...there is so much more! Life is too short to shed tears for people who can't appreciate the jewel that you are!

Last words of wisdom from my mom (and most mothers I think ) , "When you seek you will not find but when you live your life and least expect it, the right one will be searching you."

---

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[ChantillyLace]

Sounds like you are a RULES girl?

I think sometimes crying is a good thing. It does not mean that you are weak. It just a way to let out some emotions that we often cannot help.

Thanks for the empowering words for us women. And yes, there are many fish in the sea (and sharks and sting rays too).

 

[Smilemaker100]

Sounds like you are a RULES girl?

I think sometimes crying is a good thing. It does not mean that you are weak. It just a way to let out some emotions that we often cannot help.

Thanks for the empowering words for us women. And yes, there are many fish in the sea (and sharks and sting rays too).

Hey ChantillyLace!

Yes, crying is a good thing...but only for a certain amount of time.

100 % "Rules" girl ! The fact that you recognized that right away means that there must be a lot of readers of THE book out there! It's funny that when I read THE book about 2 years ago and asked some of my friends, I was surprised to hear that they had already heard about THE book! It's like a sisterhood thing...passed from one to another. I think THE book has sold a few million copies already- it was a #1 New York Times bestseller. I only feel sorry that I hadn't read it a lot more sooner than I had.

Whenever I hear about women wasting their lives on useless men, I feel like giving one or two good pieces of advice...especially where my close friends are concerned. I like to be a source of strength and inspiration for other women...it's a sisterly thing.

This is meant for the "sisters"...There are 4 Rules books. I only read (and have reread several times): The Rules: Time-tested secrets for capturing the heart of Mr Right.
Here is the website www.therulesbook.com which lists the top rules.

 

[MJTig]

You need to get the crying out and mourn the relationship before you move on- because dammit it hurts! Otherwise you hold it in, it becomes bitter anger and then resentment... which doesn't do anyone any good. And, I apologize, but it sounds as though thats what you are saying.... never show tenderness for a man? Doing anything for a man makes you his slave? I disagree. If its a good relationship, he will show that back, and you will not feel taken advantage of.

We are equal. I don't believe the answer is making men work like dogs to win our approval thrown at them like treats. If you have that stance, then it follows that we do our share to keep the family afloat... saying the man must work for money, raise the children and cook, apparently, is not fair and gives feminism a bad name.

Go ahead, get it out, cry... vent to friends, treat yourself well with things you like. Then, start getting out there as said above... mourning has its place but there's still life out there. I like that part of what you say- there is more to life than a man or woman. Sure, they complement and can make life richer, but they don't make your life.

To me the RULES book is just more games we play in the dating arena. If you have to play games to make a man like you, then you're gonna have to play games for the rest of your life to keep him interested. And how is that empowering?

 

[Smilemaker100]

You need to get the crying out and mourn the relationship before you move on- because dammit it hurts! Otherwise you hold it in, it becomes bitter anger and then resentment... which doesn't do anyone any good. And, I apologize, but it sounds as though thats what you are saying.... never show tenderness for a man? Doing anything for a man makes you his slave? I disagree. If its a good relationship, he will show that back, and you will not feel taken advantage of.

We are equal. I don't believe the answer is making men work like dogs to win our approval thrown at them like treats. If you have that stance, then it follows that we do our share to keep the family afloat... saying the man must work for money, raise the children and cook, apparently, is not fair and gives feminism a bad name.

Go ahead, get it out, cry... vent to friends, treat yourself well with things you like. Then, start getting out there as said above... mourning has its place but there's still life out there. I like that part of what you say- there is more to life than a man or woman. Sure, they complement and can make life richer, but they don't make your life.

To me the RULES book is just more games we play in the dating arena. If you have to play games to make a man like you, then you're gonna have to play games for the rest of your life to keep him interested. And how is that empowering?

I am not saying that it is wrong to cry. I have done my share of crying oceans worth of tears. All I am saying is, there comes a time in a woman's life where she has to be a bitch and say - damn all those men that think they can treat me this way! I won't give them a damn chance ever again unless the man is exceptional! I deserve better than this. I used to be so forgiving, understanding and sweet and all that did to me was destroy me and render me vulnerable. You have to set limits.

I never said that men should be working all the time like dogs. I do believe that women should work. I don't think you read the whole "Rules book" .I am referring to the person who is supposed to make the first steps...the person to make the first phone calls, arrange the first dates etc. should be the man.

I am not saying there is anything wrong with showing tenderness with a man it is only at the beginning that the woman has to be precautious. I made the same mistake over and over again...calling the boy too often, writing poems about him, cooking for him...feeling too passionate too quickly is not a good thing. Doing everything to please them...really overdoing it....all those things are OK but only when it has been a long term relationship and it is equally reciprocable- not from the get go. Another factor was because of certain beliefs I have - quite traditional which a lot of men just don't seem to respect or understand. Anyhow, that's forbidden territory because it is my private life which I don't want to share with the world!

When you get older, you don't cry anymore...I am not bitter or have any resentment. You just move on and divert your energies elsewhere and DO something with your life as oppose to being passive and waiting for that "knight in shining armor" or that "Prince Charming". By placing your energies into positive things such as your personal spiritual development
(which is WAY more important than any relationship with a man), career, hobbies, family, friends and philantrophic projects or volunteer work , you don't waste tears on some useless ex-boyfriend.

"The Rules" are not manipulative. Are you a male? I think that most of the female gender would agree with these rules...especially those who have had experience breaking the Rules only to realize how wrong her approach was.
The approach is the TRADITIONAL way of dating...the way your grandparents and generations before them dated...examples: such as letting the man ask the woman out first, the man who makes the first phone calls, the man who expresses himself more at the beginning of the relationship I think these traditional ways of dating are the ones that result in relationships that are more enduring. Women are way too aggressive and forward these days. They look too desperate and don't respect their bodies anymore by sleeping around like it was meaningless . It is DESPICABLE BEHAVIOR!!!!

The Rules protect the women from getting hurt . You have to make sure you don't get hurt and the only way you don't get yourself hurt is by not showing how you feel towards a man until you are sure about how he feels first. That way the woman becomes an "enigma" , a "mystery", someone that the man will say...I want to get to know her more...I want to take the time to know her because she seems intriguing. He will be more respectful of you. If you reveal everything about yourself from the get -go , you become boring.

Basically, I believe, that if women make it too easy for men to date them, the men don't appreciate them. If the woman is so busy with other projects in her life and is dating other men, the man who really goes out on a limb to book her in his schedule even if it isn't right away, will be a man who really really takes an interest in the woman. If women are easy, the man doesn't really appreciate her. After all, don't you generally feel more grateful for the things you get in your life which you really had to work hard for? I do.

No one is going to make me change how I feel-I am 100% Rules girl till the day I die.

 

[MJTig]

No, I am a woman.
This last post cleared up a lot more for me what you mean, and I agree with more than I thought. I think your first post just read to me like "All men stink they don't deserve anything" thing. Now I get ya.

I sitll don't really like The Rules, but *shrug* I see their point. I've been there, and honestly sometimes its just a matter of finding the guy that matches your personality so all this isn't guesswork or gaging vulnerability. There are some women (and men) that take things too far too quick... and just need to take their time... thats all that is boils down to... take it day by day and see how it turns out.

I'm tired, so sorry if i am just abstractedly (is that a word) rambling....

 

[LovelyRita]

I think these traditional ways of dating are the ones that result in relationships that are more enduring.

I have a problem with this. I read that book a long time ago. It's not meant for everyone.

While it is true that you have to maintain your independence to maintain an attractive quality, not everyone has the --pardon the expression--'yenta' quality of the authors. It's just not natural for a lot of people, including me.

I could condense the rules into a statement like "Respect yourself."

The best part about the book is that it is a third party's voice to tell a woman that she's worth it and should respect herself.

And isn't one of the authors since-divorced? I hate the way people look at it as a simple solution. Relationship not working? Follow the rules and get a divorce! It's just weird to me.

 

[MJTig]

I have a problem with this. I read that book a long time ago. It's not meant for everyone.

While it is true that you have to maintain your independence to maintain an attractive quality, not everyone has the --pardon the expression--'yenta' quality of the authors. It's just not natural for a lot of people, including me.

I could condense the rules into a statement like "Respect yourself."

The best part about the book is that it is a third party's voice to tell a woman that she's worth it and should respect herself.

And isn't one of the authors since-divorced? I hate the way people look at it as a simple solution. Relationship not working? Follow the rules and get a divorce! It's just weird to me.

Well said.

 

[Smilemaker100]

I have a problem with this. I read that book a long time ago. It's not meant for everyone.

While it is true that you have to maintain your independence to maintain an attractive quality, not everyone has the --pardon the expression--'yenta' quality of the authors. It's just not natural for a lot of people, including me.

I could condense the rules into a statement like "Respect yourself."

The best part about the book is that it is a third party's voice to tell a woman that she's worth it and should respect herself.

And isn't one of the authors since-divorced? I hate the way people look at it as a simple solution. Relationship not working? Follow the rules and get a divorce! It's just weird to me.

I must admit that it isn't "natural" for me not to demonstrate my interest and desire for a man for we are like that by "instinct" . Sure, by instinct, I am immensely attracted to some men, in the manner that animals are attracted to the opposite sex, but I won't take any initiative because I have a conscience and have a certain moral code which I can't violate to maintain my respectability. If a woman would get involved with every man she had an interest in or if a man got involved with every woman he had an interest in, what would become of our world? Chaos! Which is why we need certain "rules" to live by as well as a moral code of conduct or religion.

Like I stated earlier, I am only applying "The Rules" to my life for I am only trying to protect myself from getting hurt and the only way I can do that is by being passive because the more you give (at least in the beginning) , the more you get hurt. If that means to delay gratification, then so be it. In some form or another, you have to pay a price somewhere down the line if you really want something special. Survival of the self must take priority and if that means to refrain oneself at the risk of wounding the ego, even though one doesn't want too, one must refrain. I've been wounded too many times but now I have finally learned my lesson well.

I believe very much in Eastern thought...particularly Buddhism in which they consider the three primary reasons for dissatisfaction and unhappiness in life called the "Three Poisons" or "Three Fires" ,are the following:

1) Ignorance of the truth
2) Attachment
3)Aversion

I won't get into the details of this because that would involve a pretty lengthy discussion. But of pertinent relevance here is that of attachment being the root of suffering. When we become so consumed by our attachment to someone or something , it completely takes over our lives. With attachment, there is a source of jealousy and pride which lead to our self-destruction. However, genuine love is unselfish and is unlike attachment but that takes a lot of time to flourish between two people ...and as most people know, most relationships between men and women don't start off as being a genuine love story but more of a passionate affair whose fires die off as quickly as they were ignited...never giving it enough time to burn eternally.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

-excerpt from the "THE PROPHET", the masterpiece written by Kahlil Gibran

 

[LovelyRita]

You have really great thoughts. So inspiring!
M.

 

[Smilemaker100]

You have really great thoughts. So inspiring!
M.

Thanks, DrMaryC. Actually, I have to be honest, they are not exactly MY thoughts...it's more of a synthesis of my experience/spiritual development combined with certain literature I have read over the years.

I think the greatest way to find inspiration, believe it or not, is by being by yourself and getting to know yourself. By getting acquainted with oneself you open the key to all of the things that connect you with other humans and the rest of the universe. I am not anti-social, if anything, I am quite the extrovert. However, if you are unable to be by yourself and face those things which most human beings fear to face, you will never find out who YOU are nor will you tap into the mystery of life nor will you find God. For it is the man/woman who is by him/herself or makes time to be alone despite having a serious relationship or busy family life, who can hear God , see God and feel God in everything around him/her. For when you are surrounded by distractions, you can't focus on the "emptiness" which is actually the Divine One. When I am inspired it is not really ME...but the Divine One speaking to me...this is the source of inspiration...after all the word inspire, broken down means "in" "spirit"...it is the spirit which provides the ideas...any artist/scientist who is honest enough , will say that it is the Divine One who gave them their ideas and not really themselves. This source of inspiration and creativity is available to all humanity but not everyone bothers to tap into it...we ALL have immense potential waiting to be unleashed!!!!

It is only when you are alone, with your Divine Creator, that you can see your weaknesses and strengths and come to recognize these in other human beings. It is only when you are alone that you can find true strength , true happiness and true love. If you can't, you will never find it or get it from another. By attending the church, synagogue or other religious institutions , when you are in the presence of other human beings, you won't necessarily find God. You may find a sense of community and a sense of family at these institutions but the kingdom of God is already within you . You are more likely to find God if you meditate or pray alone near a stream, underneath a tree, or walking alone in the rain...it is in silence that God or inspiration comes to you.
Once you come to understand who you are and you have found God, you can give of yourself fully to other human beings...whether in a long term relationship with the opposite sex or in your friendships or in your relationships with the rest of the human beings that cross your path daily.

Unfortunately, a lot of men and women feel uneasy facing themselves and escape from themselves and their God by getting involved with romantic relationships which are doomed to fail...for if you can't stand your own company and are your own worse enemy, another human being's love will never suffice for it will never satisfy the insatiable thirst for love which your soul seeks .The only way to satisfy this thirst is by finding the love within yourself for it is the love of the Divine One which will put you at peace with yourself and the world.

I still have so much to learn and love about myself...and I am having fun pushing myself and challenging myself in various projects...evolving with my own time. If I never meet a man who would be a great match for me, I don't feel as uneasy about it as I used to for I have already met "The One" for me and that is my own soul...and the Divine love that brought me here on Earth.

In summary, I am a Woman without a man and regardless if I meet a fantastic man or not,I have a LIFE and am excited about my life! I don't need a man to be happy nor feel fulfilled! And I hope that this inspires other women to DO something with their lives...you don't need a man to feel ALIVE and to feel passionate! Passion can be manifested in the way you approach your life in so many ways...passion in your relationships with all around you...passionate about your work, passionate about being philanthropic, passionate about your hobbies, passionate about simply breathing and seeing each new day!!!!

 

[ChantillyLace]

Hi ladies!

Such a great support system out there.

There is a reason for everything that happens in your life whether you believe it or not.

I completely believe this. Oftentimes there's a bigger picture and we are so caught up, that it's often hard to see it.

As for the crying...it's funny, when I was with my ex, I cried way more than I have ever in my life. There was just something wrong with that. I feel that now I'm back to my original REAL self. I can't even remember the last time I cried...not that there's anything wrong with crying, but it sure feels good to not to have such strong sad emotions to warrant crying.

Actually, I HAVE read the Rules books too! How funny. I didn't know that anyone else really knew about them. Although I don't strictly follow them, they do have good points.

As an update (sorry this has to be short for the time being), things have been so much better after the "heartbreak" which ended up being a blessing in disguise. I can safely say that I'm over it and have been moving on with my life. There are so many other joys in life that I seemed to have forgotten/neglected as I was being drained by my previous relationship and have now been reintroduced to. I'll have to write more later, but I just wanted to say thanks to you all!!!! Ahh...I love SDN.

 

[Smilemaker100]

Hi ladies!

Such a great support system out there.
I completely believe this. Oftentimes there's a bigger picture and we are so caught up, that it's often hard to see it.

As for the crying...it's funny, when I was with my ex, I cried way more than I have ever in my life. There was just something wrong with that. I feel that now I'm back to my original REAL self. I can't even remember the last time I cried...not that there's anything wrong with crying, but it sure feels good to not to have such strong sad emotions to warrant crying.

Actually, I HAVE read the Rules books too! How funny. I didn't know that anyone else really knew about them. Although I don't strictly follow them, they do have good points.

As an update (sorry this has to be short for the time being), things have been so much better after the "heartbreak" which ended up being a blessing in disguise. I can safely say that I'm over it and have been moving on with my life. There are so many other joys in life that I seemed to have forgotten/neglected as I was being drained by my previous relationship and have now been reintroduced to. I'll have to write more later, but I just wanted to say thanks to you all!!!! Ahh...I love SDN.

Hi ChantillyLace,

Congratulations for "recovering your soul"!

I know the feeling...you were so consumed with the relationship that HE was your universe, your rising sun and starry nights. Some relationships can be "toxic". As for crying more when you were with your ex, that is a strong indication that something was wrong. One shouldn't "fall in love" but "RISE with love" ...when that happens, you know it is a healthy relationship .

I've been tempted to write some sort of support book for women. I love helping women who feel downhearted and seeing the consequence of my moral support and comfort making them "rise again" . It is great to have a strong support network - such as one's mother and a few close girlfriends. Women are very verbal...at least I am , and it is cathartic to express all the emotions plaguing us- whether through speaking about it, through religion/spiritual renewal, writing about it or expressing it artistically.
One's pain can "give birth" to new exciting projects in one's life .

I wrote the following poems a few years ago. Hope you enjoy it.

Rise
I was sinking, sinking,
And I thought the end was near;
But the sun was rising, rising,
And the answer became so clear.

Rise ! Rise! Rise! Open your eyes!

I searched for beauty in vain,
And became so wrapped up in my pain,
That I didn?t realize my tears
Warmed the earth and flowers grew again.

I was sinking, sinking,
And I thought the end was near;
But the sun was rising, rising,
And the answer became so clear.

Rise ! Rise! Rise! Open your eyes!

I searched for a voice that was divine
As fluid and as warm as flowing red wine.
Then a nightingale perched on a tree
And sang the sweetest melody.

I was sinking, sinking,
And I thought the end was near;
But the sun was rising, rising,
And the answer became so clear.

Rise ! Rise! Rise! Open your eyes!

I searched for the truth
And saw it manifested in the eyes of the suffering,
In the eyes of happy lovers and children,
And in the eyes of those dying.

I was sinking, sinking,
And I thought the end was near ;
But the sun was rising, rising,
And the answer became so clear.

Rise ! Rise! Rise! Open your eyes!

I searched for love but it evaded me.
When I stopped searching,
Love?s seed flowered in me
And a gust of wind blew
All of the flower?s pollen across the land, across the sea.

I was sinking, sinking,
And I thought the end was near;
But the sun was rising, rising,
And the answer became so clear.

Rise ! Rise! Rise! Open your eyes!

I searched for rejuvenation,
Then the autumn leaves rose from the ground,
And danced around my feet to the new music they found.
The wind laughed at me,
And said: "You will be reborn and find liberty
If you dance to the music of life in time.
You will be reborn and find liberty
If you speak the language of your heart in rhyme.
You will be reborn and find liberty
If you learn from the young and the old.
You will be reborn and find liberty
If you discover your own faith
And not that which you are told."

I was sinking, sinking,
And I thought the end was near;
But the sun was rising, rising,
And the answer became so clear.

Rise ! Rise! Rise! Open your eyes!
-2001 S.H


Gloria
There was a time when
All I did was cry
But then the Divine One
Sang to me
Through the mouths of earthly angels
And this song set me free:

"Sing! Sing! Sing!
Rise! Rise!Rise!
Open your eyes.
Light a candle.

Sing of the moment
That your eyelids open
Like the petals of a flower open
In response to the morning light.

Let your heart vibrate
With your song
As the hollow wood of a violin
Vibrates when its strings are strum.

Sing of your revelation!
Sing of your salvation!
When you no longer cried your sorrows
But cried your joys.

Sing of the moments you made others smile
Sing of the moments that didn?t dance
To the rhythm of time
But danced to the rhythm of your heartbeats
And were as sweet as flowing red wine.

Sing not of your love for one human being
But of your love for the whole human family.
Sing not of your ego?s greatness
But of the greatness of the Divine One within you.

Sing of the moment
Your soul took flight
And surveyed the earth
Nor with fear nor hatred
But with love and compassion.

Sing of the moment
Your eyelids close
As the petals of a flower close
When the moon?s face glows
In the starlit heavens.

Do not dream your life away
But live as though you were in a dream
And one lifetime lasted one day.

Sing!Sing! Sing!
Rise!Rise!Rise!
Open your eyes.
Light a candle."
-2002 S. H

Song of a Day
The sun rises and I open my eyes?

The petals of a flower open
And my heart beats on and on
To the rhythm of the eternal song.

A hummingbird feeds on sweet nectar
And my heart beats on and on
To the rhythm of the eternal song.

A young bird flies for the first time
And my heart beats on and on
To the rhythm of the eternal song.

A child speaks his first words
And my heart beats on and on
To the rhythm of the eternal song.

Lovers share a first kiss
And my heart beats on and on
To the rhythm of the eternal song.

A new life is born.
Ashes are thrown at sea.
And my heart beats on and on
To the rhythm of the eternal song.

With every breath I take,
I inhale God.
With every breath I exhale,
I exhale God.

A flower?s petals slowly fold together.

The moon rises and my eyelids close.
-2002 S.H