For Women: Med School and Having Kids?

[Izzygal]

Hi there!

I am almost 29 years old and am a hopeful "career changer" into medicine. At this crossroad, I have a big decision to make - whether to go to med school or whether to become a Nurse Practitioner (through a Direct-Entry Masters Program). My preference is to go to DO School, however, I'm very concerned about timing and how I would pull it off. My boyfriend and I are going to get married when he graduates from his MBA program in two years and then plan to have our first child a year or so after that. Well, in that timing and if I were lucky, that's right when I would be starting med school. So is anyone in the same boat? Should this be a reason why I chose NP over DO? Kids are very important to me and I don't want to be an absentee parent where our kids are raised in daycare, but it seems like if I choose DO school, this is what would happen. I don't even know what I'm asking here - but does anyone identify? Your thoughts?

Thanks,
Izzy

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[gogo110182]

being a physician or a mother?? which is more important to you?? you should know that it takes huge amount of commitment and motivation to become a physician...... choose wisely...

 

[Doctor Bagel]

you might want to do a search in the non-traditional forum because there's a whole thread from maybe a month ago discussing this. people do manage to do both and do both well. however, only you can decide what's right for you. there are times during medical school and residency when you can have a baby -- you just need to research it to determine the best times. believe me, there are lots of people considering this, and there's no right answer.

 

[mhosseini]

I am in the same predicament...I start med school next year and my husband and I have already been married 1 year and we want to have kids sooner rather than later. I know that DO schools are a bit more supportive for women who want to have children and be doctors. My sister-in-law had 2 kids while doing her residency and she's now a nephrologist. I guess it depends on how much support your husband is willing to give and how good you are at time management. Or you might have to start having a family a little later. I've discussed this with a lot of other pre-med/women and doctors and in the end, once you start medical school, there's no real good time to have a baby unless you take time off during your residency or afterwards. You just have to do it when you feel it's right.

 

[Izzygal]

I am in the same predicament...I start med school next year and my husband and I have already been married 1 year and we want to have kids sooner rather than later. I know that DO schools are a bit more supportive for women who want to have children and be doctors. My sister-in-law had 2 kids while doing her residency and she's now a nephrologist. I guess it depends on how much support your husband is willing to give and how good you are at time management. Or you might have to start having a family a little later. I've discussed this with a lot of other pre-med/women and doctors and in the end, once you start medical school, there's no real good time to have a baby unless you take time off during your residency or afterwards. You just have to do it when you feel it's right.

I know, it's really annoying to not easily be able to have the best of both worlds. The other thing that's concerning me is if I will have to live in another city from my boyfriend. We currently live together and I KNOW I will need his support during med school, and therefore can't imagine living apart. So if he moved to where I got into school, would we have to move again for internship, residency, etc? I'm still in the early stages of learning all about that....

Thanks for posting.
Izzy

 

[Raven Feather]

www.mommd.com interact with women in the same situation.

 

[strawberryfield]

being a physician or a mother?? which is more important to you?? you should know that it takes huge amount of commitment and motivation to become a physician...... choose wisely...

Boy... you make it sound like you can't do both! It can be done... and it will be done.
thinking about it, some stuff might be sacrificed, like... sleep!
It helps to have an understanding husband, who has just as much (if not more) interest in raising wonderful children.
Best of luck to you... you CAN have it all. I know I will.

 

[ambernikel]

My hubby and I were discussing this very thing last night. We are really thinking about having a kid hopefully the summer before residency (as in that's when the delivery would hopefully be). That way, I will have like a month off to spend without other obligations. And I'll be making some money so if he needs to work pt to help take care of the baby it would be possible. I will have to laugh when it is designated baby making time!!

 

[gatorchc27]

I don't think its possible to have the best of both worlds. Children need their parents, and especially their mother for the first couple year of their lives. You may feel that you're doing it all and doing it well, but how will the child feel? Neglected? Unloved? You really can't be selfish when considering having a child. Once you have a child it's not about you and the fulfillment you get from having a career. I think the only way to have a child are be pre-med (or pre-dent like myself) is to take time off (at least 5 years) until the child is in school and you can have those hours to focus on you. Until then, don't be selfish about getting it all and sacrifice the well being of a child.

 

[Raven Feather]

I don't think its possible to have the best of both worlds. Children need their parents, and especially their mother for the first couple year of their lives. You may feel that you're doing it all and doing it well, but how will the child feel? Neglected? Unloved? You really can't be selfish when considering having a child. Once you have a child it's not about you and the fulfillment you get from having a career. I think the only way to have a child are be pre-med (or pre-dent like myself) is to take time off (at least 5 years) until the child is in school and you can have those hours to focus on you. Until then, don't be selfish about getting it all and sacrifice the well being of a child.

You dont have a kid?

Let me just say, that I come from poverty, and I think I may have had a smoother path pursuing my own education if I had a role model mom or even a dad.

Men do it all the time, what is wrong with a woman doing it?

 

[gatorchc27]

Do you have a kid?

Nope, not yet. Definitely not ready for all that yet. I'm waiting until after I finish dental school, work for about 4 years, and then I'd like to have kids.

 

[Raven Feather]

Nope, not yet. Definitely not ready for all that yet. I'm waiting until after I finish dental school, work for about 4 years, and then I'd like to have kids.

Sorry, changed my post cause I had read that you didn't after the fact!

 

[gatorchc27]

You dont have a kid?

Let me just say, that I come from poverty, and I think I may have had a smoother path pursuing my own education if I had a role model mom or even a dad.

Men do it all the time, what is wrong with a woman doing it?

So, are you saying you wish your mom and dad were around more? Doesn't think just support my view? I think a woman is perfectly capable of having a very successful career. But you can never replace a mother's love (nor a father's). If you want to have children, you can't be selfish with your time and try to have it all...just my humble opinion.

 

[mshheaddoc]

To the OP -

I considered the same alternative. Ultimately I decided to do medicine rather than an NP for the skill base and effort. I am 26 currently and engaged to a MS III. I will be applying for class of 2011. Honestly when it comes to children we both feel when its time, we'll know. In a few years, your hubby will have a stable job and you can get someone to help you around the house with the kids. PLENTY of women do it, some better than others. Although I'm not planning on a surgery residency or anything I feel that I can find a solution and actually probably plan on having a child during med school. First I need to get in and finish pre-reqs/MCAT.

I have considered having children THEN returning to medical school but the more I think about it, I'd rather start it and see how things work out.

They are many threads if you do a search about this. Esp in the non-traditional forum as mentioned. Its an important issue to many females who want to have a family and something that we all debate back and forth. I put it in God's (and I'm not a zealous religious person) hands on what he thinks is best and leave it to fate. What happens will happen and I will make the best of it either way!

 

[Raven Feather]

So, are you saying you wish your mom and dad were around more? Doesn't think just support my view? I think a woman is perfectly capable of having a very successful career. But you can never replace a mother's love (nor a father's). If you want to have children, you can't be selfish with your time and try to have it all...just my humble opinion.

I meant as far as pursuing an education in general. My mom was single and was gone working (I didn't mind) but it was for minimal pay and we were under the poverty line. I would have much rathered her be gone getting an eduction and having a stable paycheck. As far as having a dad--ha,ha, have turned out fine without one-drug addict, bank robberer--No thanks!

Medicine is a demanding career, and based on the premise of motherly love dependent on time, no future mothers should be pursuing a career in medicine for sure.

So I think, if a person feel the way you do, doesn't have kids now, as they enter in medicine--be careful of the field chosen.

The world is not perfect and usually one, if not both, parents are gone away working, so I say, don't live up to another's expectation of what being a good mother is, but one's own.

 

[lilzelda]

I agree somewhat with ravenfeather.

My mom worked very hard when I was younger to support our family and since her job was so far away she only came home on the weekends so basically my sisters and I fended for ourselves until my late high school yrs. My mother doesn't have a close relationship with her kids b/c of the schedule she had to work, but she did do a good job raising three college graduates who turned out well given the circumstance( she made sure we went to church on sunday). You can still be a good parent and go to medical school but I think your going to be giving up alot as a mother if you can't be their for your kid, that would be pretty stressful. I would either wait until I get job security then have the child or have the child then pursue medical school in five or six years after.

I think you can do both u just have to delay one for a bit...

 

[mhosseini]

In a country and time when men can get paternity leave, I think we're leaving out the father's role in all this....no man would be sitting here wondering if he could be a doctor and have children and when to have them, etc etc...If you have a stable marriage with a husband (or sig.other) who is dedicated, there shouldn't be a reason that you couldn't have children. Since I already have acceptances for next year, I was thinking about getting preg. now and deffering for 1 year, then starting school when the baby is 1 year old...that way, you're out of school and residency by the time the kid is 7 or 8 and you'll be there for them when they'll start reallly needing you emotionally (once they hit puberty). I was three when my parents moved to America, and my mom started school when I was 6 and my sister was 2, and she's been in school until just last year (went to english classes, college, computer school then Pharmacy School). I'm proud of her and don't at all feel like my life or my sister's life was altered in any negative way. Instead, she's my motivation and keeps me believing that I can be a good mom and a good doctor.
just my experience

 

[FrkyBgStok]

for what its worth. i am a male and planning to go into medicine and i have a daughter and will have two kids prior to matriculation. my daghter is my world. but my wife knows the sacrifices i am going to have to make in order to achieve our goals. kids are expensive so she will be working full time (she is a CPA) while i am in medical school not working. it is achievable. is it going to be hard? hell yes. is it going to be worth it? absolutely.

 

[ambernikel]

I don't think its possible to have the best of both worlds. Children need their parents, and especially their mother for the first couple year of their lives. You may feel that you're doing it all and doing it well, but how will the child feel? Neglected? Unloved? You really can't be selfish when considering having a child. Once you have a child it's not about you and the fulfillment you get from having a career. I think the only way to have a child are be pre-med (or pre-dent like myself) is to take time off (at least 5 years) until the child is in school and you can have those hours to focus on you. Until then, don't be selfish about getting it all and sacrifice the well being of a child.

I disagree. If I didn't go to medical school and I decided to have a child, I would still have to work full time. So I guess I can choose to work as a doctor with the opportunity for my husband to work part time or for me to work part time in the future than to have one now, take 5 off from school and let my kid spend every day in daycare with someone else quasi-raising my child. The reality is that almost everyone I know has to work and they take anywhere from 3 to 6 weeks of maternity leave and then go back to work or the bills don't get paid.

My mom babysat with my older brother and me until I was 6 and then worked full time while my dad went back to school. My little brother was born when I was 7 and other than being better at playing the guitar and the drums, he is no different than me or my older bro. In fact, he's a lot closer to my parents because they were able to spend more time with him when he was 7 and up because my dad's career allowed them to work less. My dad worked 5 jobs while he was going back to school full time and he was still always there for me. He is my inspiration!

School is an investment for my future and my children's future. I don't think that has to be a selfish thing.
Sorry for the long post, I just feel strongly about this and no offense to others opinions... this just happens to be mine.

 

[Raven Feather]

In a country and time when men can get paternity leave, I think we're leaving out the father's role in all this....no man would be sitting here wondering if he could be a doctor and have children and when to have them, etc etc...If you have a stable marriage with a husband (or sig.other) who is dedicated, there shouldn't be a reason that you couldn't have children. Since I already have acceptances for next year, I was thinking about getting preg. now and deffering for 1 year, then starting school when the baby is 1 year old...that way, you're out of school and residency by the time the kid is 7 or 8 and you'll be there for them when they'll start reallly needing you emotionally (once they hit puberty). I was three when my parents moved to America, and my mom started school when I was 6 and my sister was 2, and she's been in school until just last year (went to english classes, college, computer school then Pharmacy School). I'm proud of her and don't at all feel like my life or my sister's life was altered in any negative way. Instead, she's my motivation and keeps me believing that I can be a good mom and a good doctor.
just my experience

Amen to that!!

 

[Runtita]

I know wonderful parents who work full-time and go to school and I know ****ty parents who are with their kids literally 24 hours a day. Time IS important, but so is self-respect. How can you teach your children to be strong and proud if you don't give them a role model by following your own dreams?

I'm not going to let my brain turn to Jello to fit some conservative, whacked-out misconception that I am a bad mother if I am not with my kids all of the time. Been there, done that; it lasted about 3 months before I went bonkers and found a job again. Kudos to the women who can quit working and want to and don't lose brain cells from lack of intellectual stimulation. I'm not one of them, and I refuse to feel guilty about my place being outside the home.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." Don't hold yourself back from doing what you want to do. You'll find a way to balance mothering, school, and work. If you have a good partner, you can work together to nurture your family. It is completely doable. Don't let the childless, idealistic people get you down.

 

[JohnnyOU]

no man would be sitting here wondering if he could be a doctor and have children and when to have them, etc etc...

I'm a man and I was VERY concerned about how medical school and being a doctor would impact my children.

 

[Izzygal]

Thank you for all your replies! Obviously this is a topic that everyone has a unique opinion on, but it's nice to hear that some people feel it can be done, with a little planning and a lot of hard work. I often wish that I had went to med school straight out of undergrad so it would have been a tad bit easier in timing motherhood, but I don't think that I would have made as good of a doctor at that stage, so it would have simply been one sacrafice for another. Anyway, I love reading each of your thoughts and opinions, so thank you!

Izzy

 

[Yulata]

I am a 38 year old fourth year med student (DO), a wife, and mom to a 16 month old. I sleep about 4-6 hours a night and don't remember the last time I washed my hair more than twice in any one week, my house is a disaster, my grades are good, I eat more frozen foods than I should, I haven't worked out since I got pregnant.

I took a full year off to be with the baby and I am still nursing (although only at night...for which I am eternally grateful).

My husband has been intrumental in keeping me sane and keeping our child balanced.

We do use a daycare and at first I was very worried about "someone else raising MY child" only to find out that I would be a poor 24/7 stay at home mom. I think my husband would be better at it than I. But I agree that even if I wasn't a medical student I would still have to work 40-60 hours a week.. all of our friends do and face the same issues.

I feel lucky in that our child really does enjoy daycare: the kids, the games, the constantly peppy 21 year olds who dream of having kids of their own.

I do wish I could do school 3/4 time and have more one-on-one with my child, but that will have to wait 2010. Until then, my husband picks up the slack, as do my family and numerous "aunts and uncles". My child is thriving. And I cherish my time with her.

It is possible to do be a parent and a successful studentdoctor... with appropriate support and help... . BUT if you can avoid doing the parent thing during your training.. I would recommend waiting. I was not kidding about the 4-6 hours sleep max for 2+ years. I am tired.. but happy. My child is worth me not sleeping well. Is worth me being 30 lbs overweight. It is worth the less than chic hair style I sport. The only drawback is that I really look my age now... which is a bummer.

I will end my rant with: THERE IS NO GOOD TIME TO HAVE A CHILD. Ask any parent. You never have have enough money, time, wisdom, patience, or help. We just do the best we can.

Ok everyone I am off to get some sleep.
take care,
Yulata

 

[BradenDO]

From doctors I've talked to, the best time to start a family is a couple years into your residency. So, my ten year plan is to do that--if I'm married by then, that is. I think having kids in the first 4 years of med school would be insanely hard! Kudos to all of you that do it!

 

[Izzygal]

I applaud you! You are not far from reaching a better place of more sleep and more time with your daughter. I don't know you, and yet I'm proud of you!

In making this decision - NP vs. PA vs. MD/DO - sometimes I wish someone would just say, listen Izzy - do x, y, z as it's what you are meant to do! I have done more pro/con listings that you can imagine, I've been on these boards for a long time, I talk to as many people as I can, and yet the right choice is just not coming to me yet. Very frustrating!

Anyway, thanks for the vent... hope y'all are doing great!
Izzy

I am a 38 year old fourth year med student (DO), a wife, and mom to a 16 month old. I sleep about 4-6 hours a night and don't remember the last time I washed my hair more than twice in any one week, my house is a disaster, my grades are good, I eat more frozen foods than I should, I haven't worked out since I got pregnant.

I took a full year off to be with the baby and I am still nursing (although only at night...for which I am eternally grateful).

My husband has been intrumental in keeping me sane and keeping our child balanced.

We do use a daycare and at first I was very worried about "someone else raising MY child" only to find out that I would be a poor 24/7 stay at home mom. I think my husband would be better at it than I. But I agree that even if I wasn't a medical student I would still have to work 40-60 hours a week.. all of our friends do and face the same issues.

I feel lucky in that our child really does enjoy daycare: the kids, the games, the constantly peppy 21 year olds who dream of having kids of their own.

I do wish I could do school 3/4 time and have more one-on-one with my child, but that will have to wait 2010. Until then, my husband picks up the slack, as do my family and numerous "aunts and uncles". My child is thriving. And I cherish my time with her.

It is possible to do be a parent and a successful studentdoctor... with appropriate support and help... . BUT if you can avoid doing the parent thing during your training.. I would recommend waiting. I was not kidding about the 4-6 hours sleep max for 2+ years. I am tired.. but happy. My child is worth me not sleeping well. Is worth me being 30 lbs overweight. It is worth the less than chic hair style I sport. The only drawback is that I really look my age now... which is a bummer.

I will end my rant with: THERE IS NO GOOD TIME TO HAVE A CHILD. Ask any parent. You never have have enough money, time, wisdom, patience, or help. We just do the best we can.

Ok everyone I am off to get some sleep.
take care,
Yulata

 

[Yulata]

I appreciate your being proud of me. That is incredibly thoughtful and sweet. I even did an "awwwww" outloud when I read your response. Your response speaks to your own strengths: empathy and compassion. Soooooo important once you start seeing your own patients.

I am somewhat embarassed at my rant. Yesterday was particularly tough time-wise and sleep-wise. I don't write a whole lot in these forums because I don't want to sound like I am the end-all-be-all in advice.. far from it. I am just a woman living life best I can.

The only word I can use to describe my daughter is: AWESOME!

good luck with your medical schooling decisions. I also looked hard at OT, PT, NP and midwifey. I got into both DO and MD and chose DO for a variety of reasons.

Just be as honest as you can with yourself and you will find the right choices. You don't really want someone telling you what to do! This is your life.. the good decisions and the bad! They all make you who you will be. Sounds to me like you are off to a good start.

Take care,
Yulata

 

[Flea girl]

My turn to chime in. I have a 15-month-old daughter and an 8-year-old son. I am also a MSIV. My husband and I decided to have another child after my first year of medical school and I almost timed it perfect, in between my 2nd and 3rd year. Only bad thing is that I was in my third trimester when I took boards . I have a great and wonderful husband who is a Webmaster and works out of the home, so no daycare worries. I think you can do it, if you and your SO are willing to make sacrifices. Sleep for one. I consider myself lucky if I get 6 hours of sleep. I do not believe that a child only needs its mother. I think a child needs loving parents. That being said, I have missed some things in both of my children’s lives because I go to school. I do not believe it is that much different then any other working mother. Granted residency is a whole other beast but I will work through that, like I have worked through everything else in my life.

 

[LINY]

I will say this- It can be done, you wouldn't be the first nor the last- My undergraduate advisor had 3 children between the time she started medical school and finished residency- she and her children are happy, healthy and fun to be around- It will be harder then someone who only focuses on school, but you will succeed-

my suggestion is third year or fourth year and having in-house help if you can afford it

all the best