Girlfriend doesn't want a doctor....

Discussion in 'Spouses and Partners' started by Dr. Geoff, May 20, 2002.

  1. Dr. Geoff

    Dr. Geoff Mzungu

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    Dear SDN'ers,
    My girlfriend does not want to marry a doctor. She says I would be too busy and not have enough time to spend with the family. Also, that with her being a pharmacist we will never see each other. I know doctors don't all live like this, many have families and work normal hours. Isn't this true? How do I explain this to her? Thanks...

    Geoff
     
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  3. RockandRolldoc

    RockandRolldoc Senior Member

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    Your girlfriend shouldn't want to marry a doctor. She should want to marry YOU!!! There are certain instances when the heart has to have more say than the brain... love is one of them. If you were a garbage man, she should want to marry you. Enough said.
     
  4. Thumper

    Thumper Senior Member

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    I can completely understand her hesitation, but not ALL doctors have to work very long days. I think you should sit down with her and speak openly about the situation. She is obviously worried that you will be ab absentee husband and father, which you very well might be. However, it can definitely be worked out. I'm sure that if you guys made some plans regarding what your schedules will be like, you can live a more peaceful life.
    On the other hand, it does kinda seem a bit weird that she doesn't want to marry a doctor, being a pharmacist herself. I mean, it's not like she will be sitting at home, waiting for you everyday. Talk with her and find out what her REAL problem is......It's better to know now than ten years and two kids later! Good luck!
     
  5. Dr. MAXY

    Dr. MAXY Senior Member

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    I agree with all of ya.
     
  6. Dr. MAXY

    Dr. MAXY Senior Member

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    HOPE THINGS WORK OUT WITH YOU GUYS.
     
  7. Future GI Guy

    Future GI Guy Hoo Hoo....

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    Not all physicians are busy 24/7. Choose a specialty based on the things that are important to you. In this instance, work hours may play a significantly higher role in your decision.

    There are plenty of topics started on the "lifestyle" residencies that you may be looking for.

    For instance, Emergency Medicine sounds just right for you, that is if you want to treat patients, have little 'call,' and still maintain a life outside of the hospital.
     
  8. Wifty

    Wifty Eccentrically Silly
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    Geoff,

    I am just wondering if you resolved anything with your girlfriend about this?

    Its hard because on the one hand, love should conquer anything but on the other hand, everyone is entitled to reach for the life they envision.

    I at times have mixed feelings about hubby going into medicine. However, my need to be supportive and have him have the career that fulfills him overrides my occasional unease at having to be ok with having him gone alot and the many moves until we can settle down. Still.....those feelings are there at times.

    Your girlfriend just has to do the same....decide what is most important to her, just as you have to make those decisions.

    With smiles,
    Wifty
     
  9. There are a lot of doctor couples, and pharmacist couples, and doctor pharmacist couples.

    Maybe she's just a little bit afraid. My boyfriend is headed to pharmacy school, and I'm headed to medical school. Sure I have my fears about the next 4 years, but they are not grounds for us to break off our relationship. We both believe it's worth it to stay together, or at least try to.

    On a side-note, his brother is a doctor, and the brother's wife is a pharmacist. They just got married 6 months ago. They're doing fine. I see them as inspiration. :) If they can make it work, so can we, and so can anyone else. :)

    good luck :)
     
  10. vixen

    vixen I like members

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    hey sneezy i'm like you...my bf is going to get his PharmD and I'll be a dentist... :)

    anyways, just talk to your gf...she should understand that you'll have to make sacrifices, but like others have said, its up to you how much time you'll spend w/her after your residency etc...just make sure to keep it a good balance.
     
  11. raj2002

    raj2002 Senior Member

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    Vixen hi.
    Dentists... eaasy money I say. They only work if its past two thirty:)

    but hey their are plenty of specialities with 9-5 hurs - dermatology, some community work? This is just what I've read mind.
     
  12. agent

    agent agent, RN

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    my wife feels the same way as you describe..

    shes afraid ill have to work a lot and not spend a lot of time with the family.. i told her thats not true
     
  13. raj2002

    raj2002 Senior Member

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    hey Agent...! Great signature, love it! Not often seen these days that timeless lyric.;)
     
  14. agent

    agent agent, RN

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    i thought it was appropriate for pre-meds
     
  15. djsash

    djsash Member

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    Why dont you play reverse psycho. and tell her that she is right and that it might not work out...commmmmme on broooo...dont be on the defensive....why do guys trip out when a girl tells them that its not going to work out...so what....get another girl...anyhow see what she says when you agree with her...and if she says ok then bye then she doesnt want to be with you anyway....if someone truly loves you they will do anything to stay with you, not come up with bull**** excuses. "oh i dont want to be with a doctor bec he doesnt have time for me...ok fine go marry a looooooooooooooser who sits home all day and does nothing.......I say she is cheating on you....if you have seen the show cheaters call them up and put her on the tap and then tell us what happens....hahahahah
    good luck.....i hope you put her in check...
     
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  17. ApacheIndian

    ApacheIndian philomath

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    Well, looks like there's only one thing to do... don't become a doctor :(. Ask your girlfriend what it is that she'd like you to do for a living, and pursue whatever it is that she "orders" you to. You have to make sacrifices for "true love" (sigh).

    C'mon bro!? Are you friggin serious!? Be a real pimp like DJSASH and show her who wears the pants in the relationship! O/w... tell her SEE YA! later
     
  18. djsash

    djsash Member

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    Cuts....what up bro...lol....
    these guys are killing me i am going to hold a class and turn these guys into Men....hey lets take them to the MAN SHOW.....
    later bro i pm you earlier...read it....
     
  19. ApacheIndian

    ApacheIndian philomath

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    Whadup Sash!? LOL at these guys!

    WHIP ME BABY! WHIP ME!

    LOL!!!!!!!!

    Seriously Geoff... you have to do what you want to do with your life... if she can't understand and appreciate that, then maybe you should reassess your relationship...
     
  20. Ilovetocut

    Ilovetocut Junior Member

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    Hi,

    You might spend the rest of your active years (and maybe beyond) with a person you will resent for crapping on your future.
    Does that sound appealing?

    The supportive ones DO exist: take my case, did 2 years post-bac in the States with boyfriend in Europe, now going to med school in Europe but in a different country than boyfriend. We're engaged and plan to marry while I'm still in med school. Anything can happen, but at least I have the confidence that my other half supports me. I know for sure that I couldn't stay with him if he stood in my way...And believe me, he's no pushover.

    Good luck
     
  21. alexfeerst

    alexfeerst Junior Member

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    WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT CHANGE YOUR CHOICE OF SPECIALTY BASED ON A SIGNIFICANT OTHER. YOU WILL ONLY GROW TO BE LESS THAN COMPLETELY SATISFIED WITH WHAT YOU DO AND WILL RESENT YOUR PARTNER. DO NOT WASTE YOUR HARD WORK, AOA STATUS, AND BOARD SCORES TO DO SOMETHING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO DO BECAUSE YOUR SIGNIFICANT (NON-DOCTOR) OTHER CANNOT COMPREHEND THE THINGS YOUR DAY IS MADE UP OF AND WHY YOU CAN'T ALWAYS BE HOME. SIMPLY TRY EXPLAINING TO ANYONE WHY YOU STAND FOR 10 HOUR SURGERIES WITHOUT TAKING A BREAK FOR EATING OR PISSING. THEY WILL NOT GET IT. THEY WILL NEVER GET IT. IF THEY WANT TO BE WITH YOU THEY HAVE TO REALIZE THAT YOUR DREAMS COME FIRST.

    -qwerty
     
  22. carddr

    carddr Senior Member

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    You'd be surprised how often this happens...I was engaged and everything was fine, until I was to leave for Medical school in 4 months...she got cold feet and broke it off. Another surprise..she got married in less than 6 months. Years later I'm really glad I didn't marry her...she was extremely NEEDY and we would have been miserable, no way would she understand q3 or post call. Some things I didn't see at the time, these types of girls are use to getting their way in life,(she was gorgeous and HIGH maintenance), she needed lots of attention, and I had to constantly compliment her about her clothes and especially those crazy nails those girls seem to love, her hair, make-up, etc. it was a full time job just pleasing her. She lacked some good old self-confidence and relied on her looks to get her through, although she was teaching school at the time and going to graduate school to become a elementary principal, she wasn't a flake. Just neurotic. Getting married would not have changed all that.

    Time will tell, but I think she is doing you a favorite... get started on a new and more compatable relationship. Or date a MD like I am doing now, who completely understands the system.
    Guess what, sometimes I even feel neglected when I'm off duty and she hasn't called. Now I need some attention!!
     
  23. Kovox

    Kovox Going Places

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    She won't understand. She sees you as FUTURE DOCTOR...not as YOU YOU. When your significant other makes you choose between your career or herself/himself.....choose the career because a person who really loves you..learns to COMPROMISE with you.

    Dump her. Find another girl.
     
  24. im4real

    im4real Senior Member

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    Geoff, do have any updates about your situation?

    Christy
     
  25. raj2002

    raj2002 Senior Member

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    it sounds like she's seriously stereotyping you. A doctor is not a thing you become, is it? We are individuals with different attributes who becomne doctors. Your characteristics are surely largely unaffected. Or maybe I'm wrong, I ain't done much yet in the way of medicine.
    Its just a part of you, albeit not a small part I reckon.
    Though I suspect we are being far too overjudgemental about her and she's not as impliable as this forum suggests. We can only see a little bit of your life from here, you see!
     
  26. fourthyear

    fourthyear Senior Member

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    If she's telling you now she needs more of your time and attention than you will be able to give - listen to her! Yes, there are specialties you can choose that give you a nice lifestyle, but first you must go through med school - including big exams that you'll occasionally choose to study for instead of dates with the girlfriend, including 3rd year rotations with mandatory call and long hours sometimes, icluding Internship(1st year of residency) which is somewhat time-demanding no matter what specialty you choose. It is super-important to have a signif. other who is understanding enough to be happy with you through all this. If she's not going to be satisfied with it, then you both need to move on and find other people who can better satisfy both what you want.

    This must be tough for you, but be grateful that you are being honest with each other about these things now. It would be much worse for you both to pretend it's okay, get married, have a kid, only to get divorced as a resident b/c she can't take you being at the hospital all the time.
     
  27. fourthyear

    fourthyear Senior Member

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    one more - i disagree that you have to date an MD to have an understanding partner. I'd recommend being with someone NOT in medicine - so you can continue to be a real person and not become consumed with your job and talk only about medicine all the time.
     
  28. carddr

    carddr Senior Member

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    Geoff, we need an update!!! How's it going?

    Agreed, there are many dates out there that can deal with the fragmented attention not only Mds', but let me also say this my g/f and I rarely talk about medicine when we're together, in fact we rarely talk at all.
     
  29. FutureM.D.

    FutureM.D. Psychology major

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    She doesn't want you to be a dr??!!! How dare she try to control your life like that! If she really loved you she would care less about what career you're in and how much you work. In fact, she would learn that the time you do have together is precious. I can't believe this. I'm sorry, this is not what you want to hear right now, but it is so true.
    Good luck, and if you truly want to be a dr don't let anything stop you from achieving that dream.;)
     
  30. Samoa

    Physician Pharmacist

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    Is she a pharmacist now, or is she studying to become one? I ask because if she's not one yet, she has no idea what your life would be like and how much time you would have. If she is one already, then maybe she's fighting her own inner demons about why she went into pharmacy instead of medicine-- for example, somewhere in her mind could be the thought "I chose pharmacy over medicine because it would give me time to have a family, so if my boyfriend can have time to be a physician AND have a family, then I made the wrong choice." It's whack, but I tell you, it could be true. She may not even be aware of it.

    The not-seeing-each-other argument is total baloney. She can get a job at whatever hospital you work at, and you can see each other every day.
     
  31. agent

    agent agent, RN

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    that what my wife expects and its getting pretty f'ing old.
     

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