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Discussion in 'Psychology [Psy.D. / Ph.D.]' started by Pia Getty, Mar 25, 2007.
Thought it about time we have a psychology joke thread. Anybody got a good psychology related joke?
A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance.
But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he understood why.
The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into 3 words:
Oh man that's a great one.
I have one, but it has to be said out-loud to make sense (so bear with me, and talk out-loud to your computer screen please).
A man walks into his therapist's office and sits down in the chair.
The therapist looks at him and says "Hi there, why don't you tell me what's bothering you this week?"
The man thinks for a minute, then starts repeating "I feel like a teepee, I feel like a wigwam. I feel like a teepee, I feel like a wigwam".
The therapist thinks for a while, then finally says "well, I've figured out your problem."
"What is it?" asked the man
"You're too tense" <--- say that out loud.
It really does lose something in the e-translation. haha.
I have a psychiatry joke.....
What's the difference between God and a Psychiatrist?
God knows he's not a psychiatrist.......
What's the difference between a loan and a Psychologist?
The loan eventually matures and earns money.
Ok seriously no one has put up the light bulb joke yet? *disbelief*
Forgive me...here it goes:
Q: How many Psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change.
Okay, I don't have any jokes, but I have some great t-shirts!!
"Stanley Milgram: Electrical Contractor"
"I'm all over that like Bandura on Bobo"
(pink t-shirt with a picture of Freud) "Pink Freud"
"Grad Student: Will psychoanalyze for food"
And my all time favorite:
"I am 99.7% confident that I fall within three standard deviations from the mean"
I have a, "Psychologists like to do it on the couch" t-shirt. Classsy....I know!
I also saw one that said "Psychologists do it APA style"
Q: How many narcissists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One to hold the lightbulb still, while the world revolves around him.
And a poem...
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
and so am I.
It's so ethical of me to make fun of clients....
This could be either a psychologist or a psychiatrist. Woody Allen told it with a psychiatrist, so to avoid plagiarism, I will keep it as a psychiatrist and give him full credit.
A man comes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, my brother thinks he is a chicken."
Psychiatrist, "Well, you have to bring your brother in for treatment. He is seriously ill."
To which the man replies, "I can't, we need the eggs."
What happens when a psychiatrist and a hooker spend the night together?
In the morning, each of them says, "that'll be $200, please."
A man who had been in a psychiatric hospital for years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.
The director of the institution decided, however, to interview him first.
"Tell me," he said, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'
The patient said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."
"Marvelous," said the director of the institution.
"Or else," ruminated the patient, "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."
"Absolutely," said the director.
"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."
"An interesting possibility," said the director.
"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."
A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.
Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
A man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about sex."
The Psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.
The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist says, "very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"
The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?"
The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex."
"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"
Let me give a bit of background for this. I go to a small liberal arts school, where I am on the newspaper staff. Every April 1, we do a special April Fools' Edition featuring fake news articles A couple of years ago, I decided to write an article for my advisor, giving him horrible advice of how to spend his sabbatical. Part of it included writing limericks, and I made up this one in five minutes. Not really a joke...but I thought it was slightly funny. Oh, and no offense to the Freud-lovers out there, this is in jest.
There once was a man named Freud
Who loved his mom as a boy.
He prescribed crack
And therapy that was whack
Which most of the field now avoids
I've heard most of these, but the grad student one was a new one for me!
I heard that one before, but it was "how many Harvard students . . ."
Harvard student . . . narcissist . . . same thing, right?
This one helped get me through the all-nighters filling out grad apps in triplicate!
"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy." (Source unknown)
October 12, 2005
TEMPE, AZArea couple Tom and Becky Witthauser credited the successful resolution of their ongoing marital conflicts to their mutual hatred of their marriage counselor Monday, describing him as the "jag-off whose prissy, ineffectual demeanor brought us closer than we've been in years."
The Witthausers enjoy a newfound closeness, thanks to their hatred of therapist Roger Verbicki (below).
The Witthausers, married eight years, began visiting Dr. Roger Verbicki, 42, a psychologist and accredited couples counselor, in May after months of strife threatened to end their union. Holding hands and gazing lovingly at each other, they described their first fateful meeting with "the insufferable" Verbicki.
"At the time, we could barely make eye contact," Tom said. "But about halfway through the first session, we started casting these sideways glances, because we just hated this guy. We could both feel it."
"After our first session, I told Becky, 'That guy is so unlikeable, like the way he asked us to call him Dr. Roger,'" Tom said.
"And I said, I hated him too!" Becky said, finishing Tom's sentence. "He was such a putz, like he's Dr. Phil or something. Our buddy. Gonna help us through this. What a loser."
The Witthausers said they can barely maintain their composure during their weekly meetings, due to Verbicki's various mannerisms and affectations. His nasal voice, sallow complexion, stained teeth, elbow-patched corduroy blazers, and affinity for herbal tea are among the traits cited by the Witthausers. Singled out for particular ridicule was Verbicki's tendency to rest his face against his thumb and index finger, and scratch his lower lip.
Therapist Roger Verbicki.
"I just want to beat the guy up," Tom said.
"And I've really learned to appreciate Tom for that," Becky said.
Tom demonstrated his imitation of Dr. Verbicki, which Becky described as "adorably mean."
"Well, if done in the proper manner, I think it would be very beneficial," said Tom, lampooning Verbicki's frequent use of the phrase "if done in the proper manner" and mispronunciation of the word "beneficial."
The couple laughed and embraced each other.
The Witthausers reported that they started communicating with each other soon after their therapy sessions began, if only to express their revulsion toward their counselor. By spending time together to complain about Verbicki's habits, the couple's romance was rekindled.
"We spent hours walking beside the lake, or drinking wine and listening to music, holding hands, and complaining about the way Dr. Roger's mouth hangs open, or how he taps his knees every time he gets up out of his chair," Becky said, adding that the mutual sentiments helped the couple realize how much they still enjoyed each other's company and how indispensable they were to each other.
"I can't imagine trashing Dr. Roger with any other person, really," Tom said.
Courtesy of www.theonion.com
I'm pretty sure it was Tom Waits who said that.
One more from Woody Allen:
"I thought about committing suicide, but I was in therapy with a strict Freudian who would have billed me for my missed sessions."
I just had to say that these were hysterical and I immediately emailed them to all my psych friends.
Also, thanks to RayneeDeigh and Therapist4Chnge for posting how to do the multi-quote thing on the March Madness thread. I have been wondering how do to that!
For those wondering how.....
Oh sure, no thanks to me for engaging RayneeDeigh and, in turn, Therapist4Chnge, and even tkj, in my Socratic method (i.e., I asked the question how to multiple quote) in order to give birth to this SDN epiphany of double quoting and breaking up quotes, as well as starting the very thread (March Madness) in which this was revealed by the Raynster. "I am so far like the midwife that I cannot myself give birth to wisdom, and the common reproach is true, that, though I question others, I can myself bring nothing to light because there is no wisdom in me...Accept, then the ministration of a midwife's son who himself practices his mother's art, and do the best you can to answer the questions I ask. (150b to 151c, Plato's Theaetetus, trans. by F.M. Cornford). That sure took a while to find that quote, for some reason I was thinking the Gorgias, but otherwise the underlying meaning of what I was getting at might have been lost. Well, as A. N. Whitehead wrote, "All philosophy is a footnote on Plato" and thereby so is Psychology and thereby so is the Raynster's wisdom!
All I know is that GiantSteps gave me props....so i'm happy!
You're just one big fountain o' quotes huh?
Yes, and now you are included!
But my "fountain o'quotes" does not sound as good as the chocolate fountain which was once discussed - I think it was at some Virginia school. Actually, at one interview I mentioned some obscure facts to a well known psychology professor (she was not interviewing me, but was just walking around eating and mingling) and she told me I should be on Jeopardy. I replied, well what about attending your school. She sad, "No, just Jeopardy. Alex Trebec can handle you but not me."
One day when you are a famous quote-arian (whatever THAT is), I shall tell people: "I once knew him! Or... I knew his e-self, anyway!"
And, that's one witty professor.
OMG Giantsteps, how could I have neglected you? I bow in humble adoration at the wisdom of your questions from which we all benefit!
Seriously: I read through the March madness stuff just for fun, I don't really care about it except I hope Ohio State loses (long story). I cracked up at you and RayneeDeigh going back and forth. Thanks for the entertainment!
what happened to the jokes in this thread? not that all of this other conversation isnt interesting to analyze
Here you go, dragon:
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go home."
A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."
"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."
Yet another one to get back on track:
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
Two psychologists meet at their twentieth college reunion. One of them looks like he just graduated, while the other psychologist looks old, worried and withered.
The older looking one asks the other, "What's your secret? Listening to other people's problems every day, all day long, for years on end, has made an old man of me."
The younger looking one replies, "Who listens?"
Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.
A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"
"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?"
"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"
"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.
"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."
"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?"
"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."
A psychologist was walking along a Hawaiian beach when he kicked a bottle poking up through the sand. Opening it, he was astonished to see a cloud of smoke and a genie smiling at him.
"For your kindness," the genie said, "I will grant you one wish!" The psychologist paused, laughed, and replied, "I have always wanted a road from Hawaii to California."
The genie grimaced, thought for a few minutes and said, "Listen, I'm sorry, but I can't do that! Think of all the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how long they'd have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement. That's too much to ask."
"OK," the psychologist said, not wanting to be unreasonable. "I'm a psychologist. Make me understand my patients. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, what do they really want? Basically, teach me to understand what makes them tick!"
The genie paused, and then sighed, "Did you want two lanes or four?"
How many ADHD kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Wanna go ride bikes??!!
Hahahahaha -- that was too funny!
I saw another psych t-shirt similar to this:
"If you have ADHD and you know it -- hey, look! A dog!"
Patient: Doctor, doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I JUST DID, DIDN'T I, YOU STUPID BASTARD!!!
Patient: Doctor, doctor, I keep trying to get into fights.
Doctor: And how long have you had this complaint?
Patient: Who wants to know?
Patient: Doctor, doctor, I can't concentrate, one minute I'm ok, and the next minute, I'm blank!
Doctor: And how long have you had this complaint?
Patient: What complaint?
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I am a set of curtains!
Pull yourself together, man!
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a bell.
Well, just go home and if the feeling persists, give me a ring.
Doctor, doctor, people tell me I'm a wheelbarrow.
Don't let people push you around.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm invisible.
Who said that?!
Doctor, doctor, nobody understands me.
What do you mean by that?
Doctor, doctor, People keep ignoring me!
Doctor, doctor, No one believes a word I say.
Tell me the truth now, what's your REAL problem?
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.
Doctor, doctor, people keep telling me I'm ugly!
Lay on the couch, face down.
Doctor, Doctor, I can't stop stealing things.
Take these pills for a week; if that doesn't work I'll have a color TV!
Doctor, doctor, I'm manic-depressive.
Calm down. Cheer up. Clam down. Cheer up. Calm...
Doctor, doctor, I feel so short!
No problem. Hop up on the couch.
Doctor, doctor, I've only got 59 seconds to live.
Wait a minute please.
And one more....Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a women?
Because when it's time to go back to childhood, a man is already there.
I'm in a jovial mood tonight....
WHY GOD NEVER RECEIVED A PH.D.
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
17. No record of working well with colleagues.
time to resurrect this thread... received in email today:
Top ten signs you are approaching burn-out
For psychologists and mental health workers.
10) You think of the peaceful park you like as "your private therapeutic milieu."
9) You realize that your floridly psychotic patient, who is picking invisible flowers out of mid air, is probably having more fun in life than you are.
8) A grateful client, who thinks you walk on water, brings you a small gift and you end up having to debrief your feelings of unworthiness with a colleague.
7) You are watching a re-run of the "Wizard of Oz" and you start to categorize the types of delusions that Dorothy had.
6) Your best friend comes to you with severe relationship troubles, and you start trying to remember which cognitive behavioral technique has the most empirical validly for treating this problem.
5) You realize you actually have no friends, they have all become just one big case load.
4) A co-worker asks how you are doing and you reply that you are a bit "internally preoccupied" and "not able to interact with peers" today.
3) Your spouse asks you to set the table and you tell them that it would be "countertherapeutic to your current goals" to do that.
2) You tell your teenage daughter she is not going to start dating boys because she is "in denial", "lacks insight." and her "emotions are not congruent with her chronological age."
And, the number one reason you may be burning out....
1) You are packing for a trip to a large family holiday reunion and you take the DSM-IV with you "just in case."
very funny stuff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!