Got my 2nd choice in the match...

[zzzzzz]

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Help. I am perfectly fine getting my 2nd choice (even excited), but my husband is absolutely shocked and depressed. Our 1st choice was in the same town with a lot of his relatives, but now we'll be an hour away. This doesn't seem like a big deal to me, but he feels like his life will be horrible. He is a stay at home dad to two little ones, so I can understand that he won't have quite as much community at his fingertips. Anyway, any advice on how to soothe things over? I don't want to feel guilty forever. Thanks.

 

[Idiopathic]

Help. I am perfectly fine getting my 2nd choice (even excited), but my husband is absolutely shocked and depressed. Our 1st choice was in the same town with a lot of his relatives, but now we'll be an hour away. This doesn't seem like a big deal to me, but he feels like his life will be horrible. He is a stay at home dad to two little ones, so I can understand that he won't have quite as much community at his fingertips. Anyway, any advice on how to soothe things over? I don't want to feel guilty forever. Thanks.

While I know how difficult this can be, preparation beforehand is always helpful, as in "how do we deal with it if X, Y or Z happens". Also, tell him to suck it up. You will be doing residency for a short period of time, living not very far away from friends and family so that you can do what you like and be in the top 1% of wage earners ultimately. I respect parents who can stay home with their children, but it often involves a sacrifice that is more than monetary.

An hour is nothing, btw.

 

[YeOldeGasShoppe]

An hour is nothing, btw.

^^ Second that. There are countless couples out there that would give an arm and a leg to be an hour close to each other.

 

[Mom2five]

An hour! I only wish. My Mom is about a 30 hour drive away. And I have 5 children and NO family to help out. It's all about perspective. For the first several years of our marriage I lived minutes away from my parents. Since Med. School we have been far away. We have used web cams and my Mom has tried to visit every few months. If you are close to your family it is hard but LOTS of people do it.

 

[u_r_my_serenity]

An hour is not too far to overcome at all. Perhaps when you are a PGY-2 or PGY-3 you can look for a place in between; kind of 30 min away from each. Many physicians have that type of commute, especially attendings, because they want to live in a house. I wouldn't try that as an intern.

PS: Congratulations on the match!

 

[penguins]

Help. I am perfectly fine getting my 2nd choice (even excited), but my husband is absolutely shocked and depressed. Our 1st choice was in the same town with a lot of his relatives, but now we'll be an hour away. This doesn't seem like a big deal to me, but he feels like his life will be horrible. He is a stay at home dad to two little ones, so I can understand that he won't have quite as much community at his fingertips. Anyway, any advice on how to soothe things over? I don't want to feel guilty forever. Thanks.

Hey, sorry that happened for him but congrats for you! I know how it feels wanting the best for yourself/career but also your hubby. I am sure it is even tougher for him because of the kids but it is just an hour. He should be supportive and excited for your success of matching.

I think he is being a little selfish. A little self-pity is okay but don't let him rain on your parade. My hubby is sad about leaving everything he knows and all his friends as well and sometimes he mentions it but the overwhelming feeling is that he is proud of me for matching, etc. I think the role-reversal thing plays into it a little too. We are moving for my job and my career and his is secondary which goes against some basic instincts of men. Your hubby might be feeling some of that?

 

[eilros]

Tell your hubby to quit being a baby. What a whiner!!! One hour is not a big deal.

 

[zzzzzz]

Thank you guys. It is really helpful to get some perspective. Seems like things always look so much more dramatic when all I am focused on is my own little self. Wow, mom2five, how in the world do you do it? You're my new hero. 🙂 Anyway, I really appreciate the posts. Thanks a bunch.

 

[Danger Man]

Thank you guys. It is really helpful to get some perspective. Seems like things always look so much more dramatic when all I am focused on is my own little self. Wow, mom2five, how in the world do you do it? You're my new hero. 🙂 Anyway, I really appreciate the posts. Thanks a bunch.

I am sure that you talked with him about your rank list and the possibility of matching at each of the places on the list. (?)

 

[inositide]

After he makes the 1 hour drive to see his relatives a few times, the 1 hr drive will begin to seem only like a 30min drive.

He'll come to terms with it eventually. Either way, you should not feel guilty. You should have nothing but happiness and contentment that you will be providing a nice life for your kids.

 

[Mom2five]

Thank you guys. It is really helpful to get some perspective. Seems like things always look so much more dramatic when all I am focused on is my own little self. Wow, mom2five, how in the world do you do it? You're my new hero. 🙂 Anyway, I really appreciate the posts. Thanks a bunch.

They are 8 and under too! (no multiple births) 🙂 It is the little things that are hard. Needing to run a quick errand but having to take everyone so it becomes a long errand. Having a second car has given me a new pick-up...now I don't have to be totally dependent on husband's schedule...that was the worst cause I couldn't sign the kids up for activities or anything. I have tried to enjoy every stage of this adventure (parenting and med school) some days are more successful than others. For the most part I have enjoyed getting to move to new places but I am ready to stay-put for awhile. As the kids get older I can see the value of keeping friends, teammates etc. for longer than a year. I told my husband the other day that I really am the happiest I've ever been. That made him feel good cause I know his stress level is probably the highest it's ever been. But I am trying to live my life that way...having each day be happier than the previous. I read these boards often cause I don't want to be naive about anything. So many of my friends are like "oh, when residency starts then life will be good, etc." I know that while some problems may go away just as many new ones will come. So I don't want to live my life thinking that more money, time, or xyz will solve any of my problems.

Congratulations to you! Good luck with all the moving preparations etc.

 

[penguins]

They are 8 and under too! (no multiple births) 🙂 It is the little things that are hard. Needing to run a quick errand but having to take everyone so it becomes a long errand. Having a second car has given me a new pick-up...now I don't have to be totally dependent on husband's schedule...that was the worst cause I couldn't sign the kids up for activities or anything. I have tried to enjoy every stage of this adventure (parenting and med school) some days are more successful than others. For the most part I have enjoyed getting to move to new places but I am ready to stay-put for awhile. As the kids get older I can see the value of keeping friends, teammates etc. for longer than a year. I told my husband the other day that I really am the happiest I've ever been. That made him feel good cause I know his stress level is probably the highest it's ever been. But I am trying to live my life that way...having each day be happier than the previous. I read these boards often cause I don't want to be naive about anything. So many of my friends are like "oh, when residency starts then life will be good, etc." I know that while some problems may go away just as many new ones will come. So I don't want to live my life thinking that more money, time, or xyz will solve any of my problems.

Congratulations to you! Good luck with all the moving preparations etc.

A friend of mine from med school started residency last year and his wife is on kid #7... I always admired her so much for moving around with all those kids for him. That is a lot harder than med school... just a different kind of hard!

 

[Mom2five]

"New pick-up"...I meant a boost or whatever not a new truck...I re-read that and thought it might not make sense. Not that anyone thought I could fit into a truck with 5 kids....

 

[Mom2five]

A friend of mine from med school started residency last year and his wife is on kid #7... I always admired her so much for moving around with all those kids for him. That is a lot harder than med school... just a different kind of hard!

That is amazing...I think we are going to have to adopt from here on out...I'm liking actually having one size of clothes in my closet! My kids want to adopt 2 kids. My daughter actually draws pictures of our family with 2 extra kids...she's sweet like that.

 

[zzzzzz]

Hello,

I am ZZZZ's husband. I am having a pity part for the following reasons:

1. The director told us we were "for sure" going to be there.
I was there looked him in the eye and shook his hand, and then he told us
how to prepare. She rotated for a month there and they called her back.
2. So we bought a house. Of course we had a clause in it, just in case she
did not get the match.
3. With two kids and a wife in a city of 350,000 with no idea of what
community resources are there is going to be stressfull.
4. Finally, I think she was descrimiated agains because she was pregnant.
The other place did not know she was pregnant as she was not showing.

I think point one is enough to make anyone blow their stack. I have never met a guy like that. We made long term appointments with banks, friends, churches, etc... He then renigs with no apology and has his secretary call us. In my opinion he is a spinless dope. I do not like my wife being treated like that. Earlier at the end of the month was buddy, buddy, with her.

I am very proud of her and supportive; however, it took me a couple days to get that guy out of my mind. Now all is good, she is blessed, and it may atcually play out better because this program is better.

What do you guys think now....



ZZZZ's Husband

 

[inositide]

Wow! What a number that PD did on you folks. Unfortunately the hard part is that in such a situation, the upper hand is with the PD and not the applicant. If all that happened is as you say, then you probably don't want to be part of a program like that anyway.

If the PD gave you any kind of written committment with implicit or explicit wording that the residency spot is yours, then you could file a complaint with the nrmp about this. However, I suspect that everything was verbally implied and nothing written was given.

Best of luck whereever you folks will be at. All I can say is that if you survived 4yrs of medical school with a family (and all of the associated social and economic strain involved with medical school), then you can pretty much get through anything else in life.

Be happy. Enjoy the moment. Any feelings of disappointment will go away with time.

 

[Mom2five]

Hello,

I am ZZZZ's husband. I am having a pity part for the following reasons:

1. The director told us we were "for sure" going to be there.
I was there looked him in the eye and shook his hand, and then he told us
how to prepare. She rotated for a month there and they called her back.
2. So we bought a house. Of course we had a clause in it, just in case she
did not get the match.
3. With two kids and a wife in a city of 350,000 with no idea of what
community resources are there is going to be stressfull.
4. Finally, I think she was descrimiated agains because she was pregnant.
The other place did not know she was pregnant as she was not showing.

I think point one is enough to make anyone blow their stack. I have never met a guy like that. We made long term appointments with banks, friends, churches, etc... He then renigs with no apology and has his secretary call us. In my opinion he is a spinless dope. I do not like my wife being treated like that. Earlier at the end of the month was buddy, buddy, with her.

I am very proud of her and supportive; however, it took me a couple days to get that guy out of my mind. Now all is good, she is blessed, and it may atcually play out better because this program is better.

What do you guys think now....



ZZZZ's Husband

So sorry!!! I hope it does end up working out way better for you at her 2nd choice. Pregnancy discrimination is possible...but congratulations on being pregnant! I can understand being protective of her as well. Sorry again and good luck.

 

[penguins]

Hello,

I am ZZZZ's husband. I am having a pity part for the following reasons:

1. The director told us we were "for sure" going to be there.
I was there looked him in the eye and shook his hand, and then he told us
how to prepare. She rotated for a month there and they called her back.
2. So we bought a house. Of course we had a clause in it, just in case she
did not get the match.
3. With two kids and a wife in a city of 350,000 with no idea of what
community resources are there is going to be stressfull.
4. Finally, I think she was descrimiated agains because she was pregnant.
The other place did not know she was pregnant as she was not showing.

I think point one is enough to make anyone blow their stack. I have never met a guy like that. We made long term appointments with banks, friends, churches, etc... He then renigs with no apology and has his secretary call us. In my opinion he is a spinless dope. I do not like my wife being treated like that. Earlier at the end of the month was buddy, buddy, with her.

I am very proud of her and supportive; however, it took me a couple days to get that guy out of my mind. Now all is good, she is blessed, and it may atcually play out better because this program is better.

What do you guys think now....



ZZZZ's Husband

That is so cheesy! My husband would be MAD because someone (PD) treated me like that. I understand a lot more now - plans were really made about this program and someone lied to you (basically).
I can also understand why she would be hypersensitive to you not being happy. Sometimes I can't believe that I am so blessed as to have such a supportive and understanding husband and when things don't go "right" I am hypersensitive to his dissappointment because I know how much he is sacrificing for me.
I hope you end up enjoying the new place at the new program. You are right, it might be what God intended from the beginning.

Your pity party makes a lot more sense! She got screwed by the PD and it will go on the list of match horror stories. Put on a happy face now! 😀

 

[BStein76]

Hello,

I am ZZZZ's husband. I am having a pity part for the following reasons:

1. The director told us we were "for sure" going to be there.
I was there looked him in the eye and shook his hand, and then he told us
how to prepare. She rotated for a month there and they called her back.
2. So we bought a house. Of course we had a clause in it, just in case she
did not get the match.
3. With two kids and a wife in a city of 350,000 with no idea of what
community resources are there is going to be stressfull.
4. Finally, I think she was descrimiated agains because she was pregnant.
The other place did not know she was pregnant as she was not showing.

ZZZZ's Husband

I can certainly empathize with you; I matched at my number 6 spot and one usually mentally prepares themself to match at their top 3 (particularly in internal medicine). My husband had to rearrange a lot of interviews for his job because we were planning to match in my top 3-4. As a woman you are asked all sorts of questions like do you plan to have kids, how will you balance children with work etc. One of my friends was visibly pregnant at her number 1 and 2, but not at her number 3; she got her 3rd choice (this is purely speculation though).

One thing I learned after quitting a MD/PhD program is to never trust anyone in academics. Program directors would email, call or send letters, but I did not let it affect my rank list (which in hindsight after matching at my number 6, it suggests I didn't play my cards right).

I hope things work out for you and your wife and don't let academics pressure you or her in sacrificing your family/relationship. If a residency discriminates your wife for being pregnant, then it is probably better that she didn't match there because it could be a lot worse if she became pregnant as a resident.

 

[njbmd]

Help. I am perfectly fine getting my 2nd choice (even excited), but my husband is absolutely shocked and depressed. Our 1st choice was in the same town with a lot of his relatives, but now we'll be an hour away. This doesn't seem like a big deal to me, but he feels like his life will be horrible. He is a stay at home dad to two little ones, so I can understand that he won't have quite as much community at his fingertips. Anyway, any advice on how to soothe things over? I don't want to feel guilty forever. Thanks.

Hi there,
No matter what you matched into, your first year is going to be pretty busy. You are not going to have much time to be visiting with relatives because of your work.

Congratulations on your match and get ready for the onslaught. If you feel guilty now, just think how you are going to feel after 30 hours straight of admissions and dealing with sick people only to come home and have your husband not be supportive. Medicine is D--N hard to do well under any circumstances. Do not add guilt to this mixture because you will be twice as miserable.

Tell you husband that you need his support and that he is integral to the success of your family. I can tell you that there are days when I long to be at home and not leave children or no children. You will also need to include him and your kids in the residency socials too.

Above all, why should you feel guilty about earning a paycheck that puts food on the table for you family? If the roles were reversed, would you be the one not being supportive? Everyone in the family has a role and everyone is just as important. In the end, one hour away is not that far and there will be days, like when you are post call that he may want to drive that distance.

njbmd 🙂

 

[ericdopt]

While I agree that 1 hour is not a long distance from family (we are 4 1/2), I think you all miss the bigger picture here. When I decided to go back to medical school (at 32) I made it a priority to rank only those programs that were in areas acceptable to my wife. Medicine isn't just about "me". All of my decisions affect my wife and family (2 kids). It would be selfish of me, or anyone else for that matter, to tell their spouse to "suck it up", or "quit whining". You people are pathetic. Medical school plus residency is going to be total 9-10 years of my life (I'm in residency now). I would never expect my wife and kids to "suck it up" just so I can be a doctor. I am away from my family too much, it's hard enough on my family as it is without adding the resentment factor and hatred of new surroundings. They may not tell you they are happy until it is too late. Attitudes like those expressed above are reasons why physicians have some of the highest divorce rates going.

 

[Poety]

While I agree that 1 hour is not a long distance from family (we are 4 1/2), I think you all miss the bigger picture here. When I decided to go back to medical school (at 32) I made it a priority to rank only those programs that were in areas acceptable to my wife. Medicine isn't just about "me". All of my decisions affect my wife and family (2 kids). It would be selfish of me, or anyone else for that matter, to tell their spouse to "suck it up", or "quit whining". You people are pathetic. Medical school plus residency is going to be total 9-10 years of my life (I'm in residency now). I would never expect my wife and kids to "suck it up" just so I can be a doctor. I am away from my family too much, it's hard enough on my family as it is without adding the resentment factor and hatred of new surroundings. They may not tell you they are happy until it is too late. Attitudes like those expressed above are reasons why physicians have some of the highest divorce rates going.

👍 👍 👍

Being self centered isn't going to win anybody over - nor are the "pity parties" about how residency is so hard - you chose it, so YOU suck it up. The whining comes from professional students actually seeing what it is to WORK for once. Medicine is by far not the ONLY profession that puts in lots of hours - its just the profession that cries about it the most. I know lawyers and business owners that put in 130h EASY - but they don't complain anywhere near as much as new residents do.

Kudos to those of you that worked through med school and undergrad - while maintaining a family - now THATS "work" pfftttt

ZZZZZZ's husband: I totally see your point, I would be Pyssed too.

 

[darrvao777]

I think the whining occurs in medicine because if lawyers or businesspeople put in 130 hr work weeks, they will (or should) be fairly compensated for it.

Residents, of course, are not! haha

 

[Poety]

I think the whining occurs in medicine because if lawyers or businesspeople put in 130 hr work weeks, they will (or should) be fairly compensated for it.

Residents, of course, are not! haha

tis true - I'll give you that, give me a dollar.

 

[QuietSylph]

I think the whining occurs in medicine because if lawyers or businesspeople put in 130 hr work weeks, they will (or should) be fairly compensated for it.

A lot of the neophytes in law or business get very little compensation considering all the billing hours they put in to make the firms rich. It is typical that only the top 10-15% of each graduating business or law class at the better schools (forget those that are merely mediocre) will get spots at the top firms, in which they have the "privilege" of working 100-130 hours/week. Then, after a few years of this, they will be considered for partner -- but only a small percentage of them will make the cut. The rest are tossed out onto the street, and many of them have to settle for jobs that make $60-80K/year.

Now THAT sucks.

 

[eilros]

Hello,

I am ZZZZ's husband. I am having a pity part for the following reasons:

1. The director told us we were "for sure" going to be there.
I was there looked him in the eye and shook his hand, and then he told us
how to prepare. She rotated for a month there and they called her back.
2. So we bought a house. Of course we had a clause in it, just in case she
did not get the match.
3. With two kids and a wife in a city of 350,000 with no idea of what
community resources are there is going to be stressfull.
4. Finally, I think she was descrimiated agains because she was pregnant.
The other place did not know she was pregnant as she was not showing.

I think point one is enough to make anyone blow their stack. I have never met a guy like that. We made long term appointments with banks, friends, churches, etc... He then renigs with no apology and has his secretary call us. In my opinion he is a spinless dope. I do not like my wife being treated like that. Earlier at the end of the month was buddy, buddy, with her.

I am very proud of her and supportive; however, it took me a couple days to get that guy out of my mind. Now all is good, she is blessed, and it may atcually play out better because this program is better.

What do you guys think now....



ZZZZ's Husband

Remember that old saying, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch". I agree that it sucks but you have no one to blame but yourself for jumping the gun.