- Joined
- Apr 24, 2001
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This is kinda long, but I hope it's entertaining.
Int. generic American office area. Three GUYs sit around, not doing any work. GUY 1 and GUY 2 are playing a Battleship-like game across the top of a water cooler, while GUY 3 sits next to a row of phones. He is on one phone, while another rings constantly. Four desks sit unattended.
GUY 1: C-4.
GUY 2: Miss. B-2.
GUY 1: Another hit.
GUY 3: (into phone) No, she didn't, that bitch. What'd I tell you, I told you she's crazy.
GUY 1: Oh, no, you blew up my Afghanistan!
GUY 2: Dave, can you keep it down over there? We're tryin' to concentrate on something of the utmost importance. The fate of the world is in our hands, here.
GUY 3: Sorry, Phil, I'll be done in a few minutes. Hey, I get the winner, okay.
GUY 2: Sure, whatever. (to GUY 1) Where were we? Ah, yes, my path to total domination. F-18.
GUY 1: Awww, cripes. Hit. You just nailed my Iraq! How do you do it?
GUY 2: My, friend, when it comes to war, I?m just the best all around = intelligence, technology = you name it, I'm the best.
GUY 1: But you never play. This is the first time I've ever seen you play.
GUY 2: That's because it only takes people one game to realize just how far out of my league they are. After I'm done obliterating them, they're not sure they ever even want to play anyone again.
GUY 1: But I heard Jimmy over in accounting got you pretty good one time. What happened there?
GUY 2: He got a sneak attack in right at the very beginning. It was quitting time, and the boss made us leave before I could mount a real offensive. Only got to launch a few piddly missiles, and those didn't really do anything. He kept looking at his watch and saying something about a hot date that night?and he?s married, so I don't know what that's about.
GUY 1: Yeah, I've heard that Mr. Clinton can be a real jerk.
GUY 3: (hanging up phone and walking over) Tell me about it, Pink. I am so glad he?s not running our department any more. Hey, was there something important going on today?
All three concentrate for a moment, then shrug it off. Just then, a youthful,wide-eyed, idealistic type walks in, looking a little lost. The GUYs notice him.
GUY 3: Well, howdy pardner, what can we do ya for?
NEW GUY: Uh, hi, is this customer service?
GUY 3: Shore is, pardner. (pointing to GUY 1) But cha gotta leave your shootin irons with the sheriff over thar.
NEW GUY: Um, uh what do you?
GUY 1: Never mind Dave, he's insane. (adopts western accent, too) But spit it out, son, what brings a greenhorn like yerself to the Flyin' BS Ranch?
NEW GUY: (laughs nervously) Uh, my name's, uh, Hal, and I'm, I'm the new guy.
GUY 2: That's what was going on today. Well welcome to the group, Uhhal.
NEW GUY: No, it's just Hal?
GUY 3: Hey, Uhhal, my name, as you already know is Dave. Nice ta meet ya, pardner.
NEW GUY: Uh, hi, Dave, but it's just Hal?.
GUY 3: Now over there, (points to GUY 1) that's Walter, but we call him Pink, seein' as how he's partial ta Pink Floyd an all. And over yonder (points to GUY 1) that's Phil, he's our boss and kinda the brains of the outfit. (to GUY 2) Hey, Brainy, ya wanna show yer new rustler around?
GUY 2 struts over, making spur clinking sounds, and has a shadow gunfight withGUY 3. GUY 3 does a melodramatic belly flop. GUY 2 puts his arm around NEW GUY's shoulder and starts to walk him towards the phone bank. As they walk away, GUY 3 moans in mock agony.
GUY 2: (reverting to normal voice, serious tone) Now this area over here is what we refer to as the Phone Pod. We're pretty good at dealing with the call volume, so we just gathered all the phones together, and we take turns at handling calls.
NEW GUY: Couldn't we get in trouble for that?
GUY 2: Ah, the fresh naivete. (grabs NEW GUY's collar and talks in Cagney voice) Now listen here, see, I don't wanna hear that kinda talk in my outfit, see. Any more a that monkey business an' we'll obliterate ya, see?
NEW GUY: Okay, okay, I'm sorry.
GUY 2: (regular voice again) Hey, relax, I'm just joking. We like to keep it light and kind of Zany around here. It helps us get through the day, you know.
NEW GUY: Got it. Hey, nice balcony.
GUY 2: Yeah, you can see straight across to Oakland from here. Shame we had to put the pod right here, but it's where all the phone jacks are, too. (Points to nearby desk, where Pink is giggling as he pulls items out and rushes them over to another desk) Since you're the new guy, we're gonna stick you with the desk closest to the pod.
NEW GUY: Hey, Phil, my name is just Hal.
GUY 2: Well, why did you tell me something different? Look, we need to trust each other if we?re gonna work well together. Now I?ll let that one slide, we'll call it first day jitters, but be a little more open with us in the future, okay? We don't want any of that Melrose Place intrigue crap here, we just want to have fun. Now why don't you get situated in your new cell - I mean desk - and we'll get into the whole training hooha after lunch. I gotta go to the bathroom if you know what I mean, so I'll see you later. I think you're going to enjoy this department, Justhal. (walks off)
NEW GUY looks exasperated, slumps down into chair, only to have GUY 1 come up, shake a finger at him, and make NEW GUY get out of the chair, which he replaces with an old, rickety chair with dirty yellow upholstery and stuffing coming out of one side. Slumps down on desktop, only to pop up when the desk begins to groan terribly
NEW GUY: (to himself) Don't worry about college, they said. You can get a great job right out of high school, they said. Wanders over toward pod, stares out of window. GUY 3 comes back into room with a nerf ball and throws it back and forth with GUY 1.
GUY 1: Hey, I'm gonna go long, okay?
GUY 3: Great idea. (to NEW GUY) Hey, Justhal, Pink's gonna go long, okay?
NEW GUY: (startled, turns around. Confused at first, figures it out after a second) Oh. Uh, okay.
GUY 1 and GUY 3 both stare, becoming increasingly annoyed
GUY 1: Well, I'm going long, here, Justhal, I can't wait all day.
NEW GUY: I said okay. Am I supposed to do something?
GUY 1 and GUY 3 look at each other with a "he's an idiot" look
GUY 3: Open the pod Bay doors, Hal.
NEW GUY tries the doors, but the handles won't budge
NEW GUY: I'm sorry, Dave, but I'm afraid I can't do that.
GUYS 1 and 3 shrug, drop the ball, and switch to playing game at water cooler GUY 1 returns, part of his shirt tail sticking out of his zipper.
NEW GUY: Uh, Phil, shouldn't one of us answer that phone? All the lines are lit up.
GUYs 1 and 3 look at NEW GUY, back at each other, and try to hold back hysterical laughter. GUY 2 just shakes his head at NEW GUY.
GUY 2: (in John Wayne voice) Now listen here, private. Stick with me, and you just might survive through one day. Go off and do some of that cockamamey thinking like you just did, and you'll wind up dead in a ditch somewhere. Ya got it?
NEW GUY: This is gonna be fun. That's pretty funny, boss.
GUY 1: (looking angry, doing Clint Eastwood voice) What makes you think he?s kidding, punk?
GUY 2: Pink, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
GUY 1: Well, sure, Brainy, but how do you actually fit a live gorilla in a violin case?
GUY 2: No, you idiot, I mean that it's time for lunch. What would you like, Justhal?
NEW GUY: Well, I've only got five bucks on me, so could it be fast food?
GUYs all laugh at him. GUY 3 walks up and hugs NEW GUY
GUY 3: That is the funniest thing I've heard all year. Thank you so much. (to GUY 2)
I'll take care of it, Phil. (walks over to pod and picks up a phone)
GUY 2: Now, you watch Dave. He'll show you how we go about getting lunch.
GUY 1: (to GUY 2) Hey, Brainy, what are we going to do tonight?
GUY 2: (sits down at water cooler and looks at GUY 1) The same thing we do every night, Pink: Try to take over the world.
GUY 3: (into phone) Three months, wow. Yes, we've had an extremely high call volume, and we're terribly sorry. I will notify a computer technician right away, and he should get back to you either by phone or by email within three weeks. And if you want him to go ahead and finish that off when he's fixed the bug, I can take down a credit card number now. (his eyes light up) Oh, Visa Platinum, good for you. Uh huh, uh huh -- 24601. Right. Got it. Again, thank you for your patience and thanks for calling AMCAS customer support, Mr. Trees. (disconnects line, opens another and begins dialing. Pull back as he continues talking, to show large sign reading, "AAMC: we want to work for you.") Yes, hello, is this Expensive Gourmet Delivery Restaurant? Yes, I'd like ten of your lunch specials. Yes. Credit card. Visa Platinum. 1123 5811 000 24601. Forest Trees. No, thank YOU.
Int. generic American office area. Three GUYs sit around, not doing any work. GUY 1 and GUY 2 are playing a Battleship-like game across the top of a water cooler, while GUY 3 sits next to a row of phones. He is on one phone, while another rings constantly. Four desks sit unattended.
GUY 1: C-4.
GUY 2: Miss. B-2.
GUY 1: Another hit.
GUY 3: (into phone) No, she didn't, that bitch. What'd I tell you, I told you she's crazy.
GUY 1: Oh, no, you blew up my Afghanistan!
GUY 2: Dave, can you keep it down over there? We're tryin' to concentrate on something of the utmost importance. The fate of the world is in our hands, here.
GUY 3: Sorry, Phil, I'll be done in a few minutes. Hey, I get the winner, okay.
GUY 2: Sure, whatever. (to GUY 1) Where were we? Ah, yes, my path to total domination. F-18.
GUY 1: Awww, cripes. Hit. You just nailed my Iraq! How do you do it?
GUY 2: My, friend, when it comes to war, I?m just the best all around = intelligence, technology = you name it, I'm the best.
GUY 1: But you never play. This is the first time I've ever seen you play.
GUY 2: That's because it only takes people one game to realize just how far out of my league they are. After I'm done obliterating them, they're not sure they ever even want to play anyone again.
GUY 1: But I heard Jimmy over in accounting got you pretty good one time. What happened there?
GUY 2: He got a sneak attack in right at the very beginning. It was quitting time, and the boss made us leave before I could mount a real offensive. Only got to launch a few piddly missiles, and those didn't really do anything. He kept looking at his watch and saying something about a hot date that night?and he?s married, so I don't know what that's about.
GUY 1: Yeah, I've heard that Mr. Clinton can be a real jerk.
GUY 3: (hanging up phone and walking over) Tell me about it, Pink. I am so glad he?s not running our department any more. Hey, was there something important going on today?
All three concentrate for a moment, then shrug it off. Just then, a youthful,wide-eyed, idealistic type walks in, looking a little lost. The GUYs notice him.
GUY 3: Well, howdy pardner, what can we do ya for?
NEW GUY: Uh, hi, is this customer service?
GUY 3: Shore is, pardner. (pointing to GUY 1) But cha gotta leave your shootin irons with the sheriff over thar.
NEW GUY: Um, uh what do you?
GUY 1: Never mind Dave, he's insane. (adopts western accent, too) But spit it out, son, what brings a greenhorn like yerself to the Flyin' BS Ranch?
NEW GUY: (laughs nervously) Uh, my name's, uh, Hal, and I'm, I'm the new guy.
GUY 2: That's what was going on today. Well welcome to the group, Uhhal.
NEW GUY: No, it's just Hal?
GUY 3: Hey, Uhhal, my name, as you already know is Dave. Nice ta meet ya, pardner.
NEW GUY: Uh, hi, Dave, but it's just Hal?.
GUY 3: Now over there, (points to GUY 1) that's Walter, but we call him Pink, seein' as how he's partial ta Pink Floyd an all. And over yonder (points to GUY 1) that's Phil, he's our boss and kinda the brains of the outfit. (to GUY 2) Hey, Brainy, ya wanna show yer new rustler around?
GUY 2 struts over, making spur clinking sounds, and has a shadow gunfight withGUY 3. GUY 3 does a melodramatic belly flop. GUY 2 puts his arm around NEW GUY's shoulder and starts to walk him towards the phone bank. As they walk away, GUY 3 moans in mock agony.
GUY 2: (reverting to normal voice, serious tone) Now this area over here is what we refer to as the Phone Pod. We're pretty good at dealing with the call volume, so we just gathered all the phones together, and we take turns at handling calls.
NEW GUY: Couldn't we get in trouble for that?
GUY 2: Ah, the fresh naivete. (grabs NEW GUY's collar and talks in Cagney voice) Now listen here, see, I don't wanna hear that kinda talk in my outfit, see. Any more a that monkey business an' we'll obliterate ya, see?
NEW GUY: Okay, okay, I'm sorry.
GUY 2: (regular voice again) Hey, relax, I'm just joking. We like to keep it light and kind of Zany around here. It helps us get through the day, you know.
NEW GUY: Got it. Hey, nice balcony.
GUY 2: Yeah, you can see straight across to Oakland from here. Shame we had to put the pod right here, but it's where all the phone jacks are, too. (Points to nearby desk, where Pink is giggling as he pulls items out and rushes them over to another desk) Since you're the new guy, we're gonna stick you with the desk closest to the pod.
NEW GUY: Hey, Phil, my name is just Hal.
GUY 2: Well, why did you tell me something different? Look, we need to trust each other if we?re gonna work well together. Now I?ll let that one slide, we'll call it first day jitters, but be a little more open with us in the future, okay? We don't want any of that Melrose Place intrigue crap here, we just want to have fun. Now why don't you get situated in your new cell - I mean desk - and we'll get into the whole training hooha after lunch. I gotta go to the bathroom if you know what I mean, so I'll see you later. I think you're going to enjoy this department, Justhal. (walks off)
NEW GUY looks exasperated, slumps down into chair, only to have GUY 1 come up, shake a finger at him, and make NEW GUY get out of the chair, which he replaces with an old, rickety chair with dirty yellow upholstery and stuffing coming out of one side. Slumps down on desktop, only to pop up when the desk begins to groan terribly
NEW GUY: (to himself) Don't worry about college, they said. You can get a great job right out of high school, they said. Wanders over toward pod, stares out of window. GUY 3 comes back into room with a nerf ball and throws it back and forth with GUY 1.
GUY 1: Hey, I'm gonna go long, okay?
GUY 3: Great idea. (to NEW GUY) Hey, Justhal, Pink's gonna go long, okay?
NEW GUY: (startled, turns around. Confused at first, figures it out after a second) Oh. Uh, okay.
GUY 1 and GUY 3 both stare, becoming increasingly annoyed
GUY 1: Well, I'm going long, here, Justhal, I can't wait all day.
NEW GUY: I said okay. Am I supposed to do something?
GUY 1 and GUY 3 look at each other with a "he's an idiot" look
GUY 3: Open the pod Bay doors, Hal.
NEW GUY tries the doors, but the handles won't budge
NEW GUY: I'm sorry, Dave, but I'm afraid I can't do that.
GUYS 1 and 3 shrug, drop the ball, and switch to playing game at water cooler GUY 1 returns, part of his shirt tail sticking out of his zipper.
NEW GUY: Uh, Phil, shouldn't one of us answer that phone? All the lines are lit up.
GUYs 1 and 3 look at NEW GUY, back at each other, and try to hold back hysterical laughter. GUY 2 just shakes his head at NEW GUY.
GUY 2: (in John Wayne voice) Now listen here, private. Stick with me, and you just might survive through one day. Go off and do some of that cockamamey thinking like you just did, and you'll wind up dead in a ditch somewhere. Ya got it?
NEW GUY: This is gonna be fun. That's pretty funny, boss.
GUY 1: (looking angry, doing Clint Eastwood voice) What makes you think he?s kidding, punk?
GUY 2: Pink, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
GUY 1: Well, sure, Brainy, but how do you actually fit a live gorilla in a violin case?
GUY 2: No, you idiot, I mean that it's time for lunch. What would you like, Justhal?
NEW GUY: Well, I've only got five bucks on me, so could it be fast food?
GUYs all laugh at him. GUY 3 walks up and hugs NEW GUY
GUY 3: That is the funniest thing I've heard all year. Thank you so much. (to GUY 2)
I'll take care of it, Phil. (walks over to pod and picks up a phone)
GUY 2: Now, you watch Dave. He'll show you how we go about getting lunch.
GUY 1: (to GUY 2) Hey, Brainy, what are we going to do tonight?
GUY 2: (sits down at water cooler and looks at GUY 1) The same thing we do every night, Pink: Try to take over the world.
GUY 3: (into phone) Three months, wow. Yes, we've had an extremely high call volume, and we're terribly sorry. I will notify a computer technician right away, and he should get back to you either by phone or by email within three weeks. And if you want him to go ahead and finish that off when he's fixed the bug, I can take down a credit card number now. (his eyes light up) Oh, Visa Platinum, good for you. Uh huh, uh huh -- 24601. Right. Got it. Again, thank you for your patience and thanks for calling AMCAS customer support, Mr. Trees. (disconnects line, opens another and begins dialing. Pull back as he continues talking, to show large sign reading, "AAMC: we want to work for you.") Yes, hello, is this Expensive Gourmet Delivery Restaurant? Yes, I'd like ten of your lunch specials. Yes. Credit card. Visa Platinum. 1123 5811 000 24601. Forest Trees. No, thank YOU.
