Has anyone ended their long-distance relationship yet?

[sprinkibrio]

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[SoCuteMD]

Mine ended about 3 weeks in. It was awful and painful, and took me an incredible amount of time to get past what wasn't a very good relationship. It took me a long time to get out and about and meet non-med students, but I made a significant effort during some slow times and it's slowly starting to pay off.

Lots of to you!

 

[Lolo08]

Mines ended early in my first year, and it had been very serious, so I had a really difficult time transitioning to med school. That made a big impact on all of first year because I started off on a bad foot and nearly failed. I revamped my study methods during my second year and have been on top of things instead of moping around at home. It's been working out so far..haven't taken my first exam yet but I feel a lot more confident that I'll do well.

 

[Jwax]

Interesting thread. I'm fortunate enough to be in a long-term relationship that I get to maintain b/c we live together. I've met a lot of people in my class who have mentioned their long-distance relationships. I give most of them a 0% chance of lasting, but I'm strongly against the concept of long-distance relationships. I've met married couples who live in different states for an extended time... and I can't even comprehend how that would work. I would think that if it does work, that means the relationship can't be all that great if you doing just fine with them a long-distance away.

I'm sorry for you guys that had the misfortune of having to move for school and losing long-term relationships. I can imagine how terribly distracting and painful that would be. Might as well add some salt to the wound.

 

[alwaysaangel]

Interesting thread. I'm fortunate enough to be in a long-term relationship that I get to maintain b/c we live together. I've met a lot of people in my class who have mentioned their long-distance relationships. I give most of them a 0% chance of lasting, but I'm strongly against the concept of long-distance relationships. I've met married couples who live in different states for an extended time... and I can't even comprehend how that would work. I would think that if it does work, that means the relationship can't be all that great if you doing just fine with them a long-distance away.

Just because you can't imagine yourself doing it doesn't mean anyone in an LDR has a horrible relationship...and thats a really self-centered attitude.

Yes, some people need to be closer to make it. Others have no choice and cannot be together for a period. I don't see how loving each other enough to stay together while apart makes their "relationship weak."

That would be like saying to someone who doesn't believe in LDRs and broke up with their SO before separating that "their love obviously wasn't very strong if they couldn't stay together long distance and their relationship was clearly always a sham." It sounds really ignorant - and puts ridiculous judgments and results that have no basis on reality just because of personal beliefs and choices.

So just because you can't comprehend it doesn't mean other people can't have perfectly strong healthy relationships while temporarily apart.

Anywho, to answer the OP: I'm 2 months in and still with my bf. We were apart for the first 4 weeks, and then he's been between apartments staying with me for the second 4 (hes moving from Davis to Phoenix and his old lease ended a month before his new one starts)- which definitely has helped. But in all fairness we're very used to Long distance (during our 3 year relationship we were always 1 hr apart during the school year and only saw each other on weekends.) I hope it lasts but I'm realistic about it.

About 60 people in my class came in married, engaged or in a long-term relationship. About 10 of the long-term relationships ended in the first couple of weeks so you're definitely not alone. Long distance is a really hard thing to adjust to. Goodluck working through ending the relationship. Just try to remember all the cool things about being single!

Also, be glad it ended sooner rather than later. You didn't waste anymore time in a dead-end relationship, you get to be single that much sooner and start working towards a new relationship that much sooner, and you don't have to worry about breaking up in the middle of final exams.

 

[Re3iRtH]

Mine ended about 3 weeks in. It was awful and painful, and took me an incredible amount of time to get past what wasn't a very good relationship. It took me a long time to get out and about and meet non-med students, but I made a significant effort during some slow times and it's slowly starting to pay off.

Lots of to you!

Good to hear. Most of you guys didnt waste any time though..
2 or 3 weeks in?? Damn thats fast. When my ex was an MS-1, it
took us halfway into the year to break up Being single in med
school is actually quite nice, as you guys are starting to see. If
you are already married or have been in the relationship for a long
time thats when relationships in med school tend to work out.

 

[PlAnEjaNe]

Just because you can't imagine yourself doing it doesn't mean anyone in an LDR has a horrible relationship...and thats a really self-centered attitude.

Yes, some people need to be closer to make it. Others have no choice and cannot be together for a period. I don't see how loving each other enough to stay together while apart makes their "relationship weak."

That would be like saying to someone who doesn't believe in LDRs and broke up with their SO before separating that "their love obviously wasn't very strong if they couldn't stay together long distance and their relationship was clearly always a sham." It sounds really ignorant - and puts ridiculous judgments and results that have no basis on reality just because of personal beliefs and choices.

So just because you can't comprehend it doesn't mean other people can't have perfectly strong healthy relationships while temporarily apart.

Anywho, to answer the OP: I'm 2 months in and still with my bf. We were apart for the first 4 weeks, and then he's been between apartments staying with me for the second 4 (hes moving from Davis to Phoenix and his old lease ended a month before his new one starts)- which definitely has helped. But in all fairness we're very used to Long distance (during our 3 year relationship we were always 1 hr apart during the school year and only saw each other on weekends.) I hope it lasts but I'm realistic about it.

About 60 people in my class came in married, engaged or in a long-term relationship. About 10 of the long-term relationships ended in the first couple of weeks so you're definitely not alone. Long distance is a really hard thing to adjust to.

Amen sister!! LOL..yes well, I agree with everything you said here. I am married (3yrs) and before I was married my fiance and I did the LDR because he was in the military and was deployed to all sorts of places and even did a very long tour in Iraq. Did we break up? No. Was our relationship not real or a sham? Absolutely not. It takes a great deal of strength and love to survive a LDR, if anything it shows how dedicated 2 people are to each other. Not like you would know, Jwax, what it's like to be married or know what married couples go through, it's very different than boyfriend/girlfriend so don't try and tell me that it is. Just because you don't have the ability to maintain a LDR doesn't mean others don't. Many people do the LDR all the time, especially in the military and it gets very stressful at times because when your spouse is in a war zone you have other things to worry about like, will I ever see them again?


In order for a LDR to work both people have to be willing to make it work and have to be willing to make sacrifices in order for it to work....maybe you don't have to be at the top of your class, maybe you don't have to go into a super subspecialty 500 miles away because YOU want to....relationships are not about ME they are about US and you have to be willing to make sacrifices in order for it to work that is, if you want it to work. That's just my .02 though.

PlAnEjaNe

 

[Pinner Doc]

MS-4 here. We've been together, long distance the entire time, since a few months before med school started for me. Now we're planning our wedding for a week before I graduate! It can be, and has been, done.... though OP, I'm sorry for your pain. I did find that most of the people who were going to break up with their LDR's did it in the first semester of first year.

 

[searun]

Well, one door shuts and another door opens. If you are married, and especially if you are married and have children, then a break up is tragic, but dating, even long term dating, if it does not work out, then move on, quit feeling sorry for yourself, and show up after work on Friday night. Get back in the game.

 

[Jwax]

Not like you would know, Jwax, what it's like to be married or know what married couples go through, it's very different than boyfriend/girlfriend so don't try and tell me that it is.

I think it's funny that you tell me off for not knowing what it is like for couples in a long distance relationship, then proceed to tell me what you obviously know about my relationship. Not a double standard at all. I'll let ya know if you're right; I doubt there will be a whole lot of change from now and 3 months from now when we're married, since we've been together for the last 5 & 1/2.

If I didn't have a test I should be studying for right now, I would try and find some stats that back up my opinion, but I've been under the strong impression that *most* LDR's don't work out. There are ALWAYS exceptions to any generality, and to me, most military enforced LDRs are a frequent exception, but... I would presume that LDR's don't work is the general rule.

That being said, one of my med school buddies was in an LDR for a long time before they got married and he came here for med school.

Yes, it is a self-centered attitude. Most people starting out in med school are in their early 20's. People of this age group tend to be incredibly self-centered. Add in that we are stressed out and in constant need of comfort / reassurance ("most" of us). Trying to make an LDR work when you're already flipped out about everything else... difficult. I just don't think that most of us self-centered youngin's really have the discipline and stamina to tolerate the lack of a nearby partner.

Just my $0.02. If I were the one in an LDR and was trying to keep it going, I'd tell me to eff off, too.

 

[alwaysaangel]

Yes, it is a self-centered attitude. Most people starting out in med school are in their early 20's. People of this age group tend to be incredibly self-centered. Add in that we are stressed out and in constant need of comfort / reassurance ("most" of us). Trying to make an LDR work when you're already flipped out about everything else... difficult. I just don't think that most of us self-centered youngin's really have the discipline and stamina to tolerate the lack of a nearby partner.

In all fairness I did my best to not be insulting and just point out that it was a judgmental statement.

And I didn't mean self-centered in that its "self-centered" to not maintain the relationship. Not maintaining the relationship is a choice, some people don't want to do LDR and I understand that. Others are ok with it, and I get that too.

I meant it was self-centered OF YOU to shove your beliefs off on others to the point that you actually believe that people who are in LDRs can't possibly have a healthy relationship - just because you can't see yourself doing it. Its ridiculous, immature, illogical and judgmental. And you're going to have to learn not to shove your beliefs onto others that way before you start seeing patients or you're going to run into a lot of problems.

 

[alwaysaangel]

sprink--male or female?

Where I live, if you are 23 and in an LDR, you gotta stick with it. Everybody else is either married or engaged, so you're pretty much outta luck if you terminate your union.

LDR success is more of a function of age, access to suitable replacements, and commitment level than one's choice of career.

This made me laugh because tragically its at least partially true.

 

[JacobSilge]

Yes, it is a self-centered attitude. Most people starting out in med school are in their early 20's. People of this age group tend to be incredibly self-centered. Add in that we are stressed out and in constant need of comfort / reassurance ("most" of us). Trying to make an LDR work when you're already flipped out about everything else... difficult. I just don't think that most of us self-centered youngin's really have the discipline and stamina to tolerate the lack of a nearby partner.

Still being in my long distance relationship, I really don't understand how being in "constant need of comfort / reassurance" would result in wanting to end the LDR. I mean, at least we have that over the phone now instead of nothing at all if I'm single.

 

[SoCuteMD]

If I didn't have a test I should be studying for right now, I would try and find some stats that back up my opinion, but I've been under the strong impression that *most* LDR's don't work out. There are ALWAYS exceptions to any generality, and to me, most military enforced LDRs are a frequent exception, but... I would presume that LDR's don't work is the general rule.

I'm actually under the impression that most relationships - long distance or not - don't work out!!!

 

[Jwax]

I'm actually under the impression that most relationships - long distance or not - don't work out!!!

Good point.

Also funny because it has some tragic truth to it.

And you're right, angel, I ought to try to putt my opinions of anything on to others. I have the tendency to judge quickly because stereotypes exist for a reason (i.e. long distance relationships tend to not work out). Fortunately, I'm at least better of faking it in front of patients. So, I may very well be judging them, but they will rarely know it.

 

[mindquick]

long distance relationships suck!

 

[LJDHC05]

On to year 2 of the LDR...she's finishing up law school in the spring in VT, and I'll be taking the Boards down here in Westchester. Then she'll get a job/take the bar back home in MA and visit on a few my non-call weekends 3rd year. Then I'll try to do most of my 4th year back home!!!

My bottom line is that if BOTH of you want to make it work, you can...it just sucks in the meantime. That and I could never date another med student...there'd be nothing to talk about but school.

 

[sprinkibrio]

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[sprinkibrio]

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[sprinkibrio]

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[mindquick]

In my case it was the "mature" 33 year old who couldn't deal with it. Or who decided he could get any girl he wanted, and mostly he just wanted someone near him.

Thanks for all the advice so far! It's hard to talk about this with anyone I know because they mostly are in the "oh my LDR will work!!!" phase.

couldn't you hook up with him again after you guys can live near each other again?

 

[sprinkibrio]

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[PlAnEjaNe]

I think it's funny that you tell me off for not knowing what it is like for couples in a long distance relationship, then proceed to tell me what you obviously know about my relationship. Not a double standard at all. I'll let ya know if you're right; I doubt there will be a whole lot of change from now and 3 months from now when we're married, since we've been together for the last 5 & 1/2.

If I didn't have a test I should be studying for right now, I would try and find some stats that back up my opinion, but I've been under the strong impression that *most* LDR's don't work out. There are ALWAYS exceptions to any generality, and to me, most military enforced LDRs are a frequent exception, but... I would presume that LDR's don't work is the general rule.

That being said, one of my med school buddies was in an LDR for a long time before they got married and he came here for med school.

Yes, it is a self-centered attitude. Most people starting out in med school are in their early 20's. People of this age group tend to be incredibly self-centered. Add in that we are stressed out and in constant need of comfort / reassurance ("most" of us). Trying to make an LDR work when you're already flipped out about everything else... difficult. I just don't think that most of us self-centered youngin's really have the discipline and stamina to tolerate the lack of a nearby partner.

Just my $0.02. If I were the one in an LDR and was trying to keep it going, I'd tell me to eff off, too.

OK...agreed...I see your point now. LDR are not for everyone, although I have to say not all people in their early 20's are self-centered as I was 21 when I got engaged and 22 when I got married; however, the general trend is that people in that age bracket are self-centered, not a bad thing, it's just how it is and I know they aren't that way on purpose, most don't even realize it. Like I said, it takes an incredible amount of strength, love and determination to make a LDR work. The thing that helped me was to focus on the times that we would be together and to also remember that it was a short-term situation.

PlAnEjaNe

 

[sprinkibrio]

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[PlAnEjaNe]

People who get married so young are scary!

Awww...don't say that! Although my situation was different because he is older than me (10 years), so only one of us was young (22) when we got married but I knew what I was getting into and I wasn't naive about the whole thing. We have been through a lot together and our relationship/love has grown stronger every year, so I guess we are lucky in that sense. We just recently celebrated our 3 year anniversary and both of us agreed it doesn't feel like it's been 3 years but rather, it still feels like it's year 1 only. Hahaha...we'll see when it gets to 10 or 15, LOL.

What's scary to me is people who get married after only knowing each other for like 6 mos. or a year You hardly know the person!

PlAnEjaNe

 

[mindquick]

So, we broke up because I found out (not through him) that he was actively looking for other people and had lied to me hundreds of times about what he was doing. Didn't technically cheat on me, but I wasn't going to wait for that. He's gross.

But how do you know for sure that he cheated on you? what if those girls were just friends?

 

[sprinkibrio]

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[sprinkibrio]

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[PlAnEjaNe]

I can show you the emails... myspace messages... there is lots of detail. Only one night has gone unaccounted for where cheating was a large possibility.

He's just a douche and probably will never get married when he is in his prime and by the time he is ready he will be too old and wrinkly for any decent girl to actually want to make that commitment with him. Good thing you got the upper hand and dumped him before giving him that luxury.

PlAnEjaNe

 

[Slide]

How are you guys able to meet other people as M1s? I'm so swamped with work that I don't know I can have the time to actually talk to other people (other than the random person at the coffeeshop bothering my studying ). Being single right now is starting to suck (sucked a lot during undergrad), but I don't foresee much change in the future.

 

[sprinkibrio]

He's just a douche and probably will never get married when he is in his prime and by the time he is ready he will be too old and wrinkly for any decent girl to actually want to make that commitment with him. Good thing you got the upper hand and dumped him before giving him that luxury.

PlAnEjaNe

YAY

 

[alwaysaangel]

My idea about this is that becoming long-distance can both bring out the bad in people and bring out true intentions. Things are easy when you live with the person, but when you are forced to make HUGE compromises that could only be rationalized by marriage and you're not necessarily ready for marriage, all kinds of crazy things start happening and people start changing. Some people also can't rationalize a temporary distance when what they got into the relationship for is to be close to the person. When you start a relationship already at some sort of distance, expectations are different.

Oh hon' I totally agree with you. LDR are really hard and yes, I agree in general if you're not at the point where you're thinking "this is it we will get married" - its that much harder. Its hard for even those who are at that point and the amount of work is a lot more than a normal relationship.

And yeah it brings out some nastiness in the worst people - which it sounds like your bf was. Sorry you had to go through that.

 

[Jwax]

OK...agreed...I see your point now. LDR are not for everyone, although I have to say not all people in their early 20's are self-centered as I was 21 when I got engaged and 22 when I got married; however, the general trend is that people in that age bracket are self-centered, not a bad thing, it's just how it is and I know they aren't that way on purpose, most don't even realize it. Like I said, it takes an incredible amount of strength, love and determination to make a LDR work. The thing that helped me was to focus on the times that we would be together and to also remember that it was a short-term situation.

PlAnEjaNe

Thanks for seeing my point! I have managed to pick fights on a few threads in the last few days unintentionly. I think I have the tendency to say things in just the right way to p*ss them off. Something to work on.

LoL - we're not that different after all. 21 when engaged and will be 23 when we get married this xmas break. Been together for 5 & 1/2 years. He's 10 years older, which I like. I'm immature enough for the both of us half the time, and then he's (male) and therefore is immature for the both of us the other half.

I imagine where I went wrong was saying that there is something wrong w/a relationship that is working long distance. So how about I nix that?

Good luck to those of you in LDR's. The odds are against you, but they are probably against all of us so... Sprink - good thing you got out when you did.

 

[PlAnEjaNe]

Thanks for seeing my point! I have managed to pick fights on a few threads in the last few days unintentionly. I think I have the tendency to say things in just the right way to p*ss them off. Something to work on.

LoL - we're not that different after all. 21 when engaged and will be 23 when we get married this xmas break. Been together for 5 & 1/2 years. He's 10 years older, which I like. I'm immature enough for the both of us half the time, and then he's (male) and therefore is immature for the both of us the other half.

I imagine where I went wrong was saying that there is something wrong w/a relationship that is working long distance. So how about I nix that?

Good luck to those of you in LDR's. The odds are against you, but they are probably against all of us so... Sprink - good thing you got out when you did.

Ok..yes, the edit should do fine For me I like having him be older because he is someone that I can look to for advice on certain things but is also a ton of fun to be around I think it tends to work better if only one of the partners is fairly young, rather than both. It's hard to say though, I know many mormons that marry extremely young (18/19) and seem to do just fine, they just don't have a huge income because neither of them has a college degree. Anyhow, congrats on the wedding and just remember, it's the day after the wedding that matters the most (because that's when the honeymoon begins baby!!!! )

PlAnEjaNe

 

[Jwax]

Ok..yes, the edit should do fine For me I like having him be older because he is someone that I can look to for advice on certain things but is also a ton of fun to be around I think it tends to work better if only one of the partners is fairly young, rather than both. It's hard to say though, I know many mormons that marry extremely young (18/19) and seem to do just fine, they just don't have a huge income because neither of them has a college degree. Anyhow, congrats on the wedding and just remember, it's the day after the wedding that matters the most (because that's when the honeymoon begins baby!!!! )

PlAnEjaNe

I read "mormons" as "*****s"...

Sigh... 4 hours of sleep before a biochem test = misreading of information. I better slow it down for the test today.

I get to go to Florida for the honeymoon and stay in a gorgeous condo right on the beach. So happy...

 

[sprinkibrio]

I'm out of this thread. It's no longer fun to have strangers analyze your dead relationship. My point wasn't to vent or have my relationship generalized into a nice, understandable cliche, but to see if other people are going through the same thing or have in the past, since I think that there is a consensus that things are a little different in medical school.

Thanks for the good advice! Bye bye!

 

[Doctor Bagel]

So, we broke up because I found out (not through him) that he was actively looking for other people and had lied to me hundreds of times about what he was doing. Didn't technically cheat on me, but I wasn't going to wait for that. He's gross.

What a jerk! You'd wish he would have had the maturity to tell you that he didn't want to the LDR thing instead of trying to find a replacement on the sly. The cold thing I have to say is that it's better that it's happening now before you wasted more time. The other good thing is that you got the drama over before a time when it would really negatively impact your medical school performance.

It sucks now, but it'll get better.

 

[Neuronix]

Broke up with my gf at the time a week into medical school and then I had a gf recently who went off to medical school and broke up with me 2 weeks in. The cycle continues

 

[Ginkneephur]

I'm 7 wks into 1st year, and I've been in a LDR with my bf for 4.5 years. It's hard but we're still going strong and he's gonna move to be with me after he graduates. Then we're gonna move somewhere together for residency...prolly back where his family lives.

 

[kittalin]

Broke up about two weeks in. Had some problems though.

Are VERY HAPPILY back together

 

[SalseraDoctora]

I wonder whether the breakup rate is different (among heterosexual couples) when the woman is the one who is in med school and the guy is not, vs. vice versa. Anybody have any hard data on this?

 

[Rhuby]

Interesting thread. I'm fortunate enough to be in a long-term relationship that I get to maintain b/c we live together. I've met a lot of people in my class who have mentioned their long-distance relationships. I give most of them a 0% chance of lasting, but I'm strongly against the concept of long-distance relationships. I've met married couples who live in different states for an extended time... and I can't even comprehend how that would work. I would think that if it does work, that means the relationship can't be all that great if you doing just fine with them a long-distance away.

Although I know this has already been quoted....Wow is my response. strongly against the concept of LDRs, which means you either haven't had one or had one that didn't work out...

"if it does work, the relationship can't be all that great." Perhaps the real statement is it can't be all that great if you have to be with them to have a relationship. A relationship is not about being with the person and getting to cuddle or whatever at night. A relationship is an intimate connection with another person. And trust me, you are never doing "just fine" when you are in an LDR, you just find different ways to cope--and generally develop amazing communication skills. After making it four years of being 1500 miles apart and getting married in 8 months, I would have to say that LDRs can be very, very good things. They don't work for everyone, but you have to realize that it is about the person you are with and your relationship with them, not how close in proximity you are.

 

[TRAMD]

I met a girl the summer before my 1st year. We lived almost 2000 miles away from each other when I went to school. I am now married to her.