How do I tell my parents I'm not ready for med. school?

[helloaugust]

Before I begin, I have to explain that I'm the first-born child of immigrant parents, as this will probably change your perception of my situation and the advice you give. I have constantly been reminded that a lot of things for my family are riding on me, and my parents have always told me that their "hope" lies with my future; it has always been a burden to know that someone else's future hope/happiness lies in my hands.

After taking a long time to think things through in high school and college, I decided I do want to go to med. school. I worked hard in college (3.85) and took the MCAT already. I received a great score on the MCAT (but I haven't told this to my parents yet). I was also involved in the typical pre-med activities: research, internships, etc. On paper, it would appear that I am ready to apply this cycle, however after giving myself some time to think things through thoroughly, I came to the conclusion that I don't want to apply until at least two- three cycles from now.

• Money: I have loans from college, and the idea of taking out the amount of loans for med. school is daunting, at least right now. If I could at least pay off my college loans and save some money for an emergency rain fund for med. school, I would feel at ease about taking more loans for med. school. I also have a car loan I'm going to be making payments on for a while. Money concerns would comprise 75% of my decision to apply later.
• Other: Even if money was not a problem, I would still not want to go to med school right now. I need some time off to reflect on the last ten or so years of my life. I've been going non-stop for a long time: my life so far has been a crusade-like pursuit on getting good grades, extolling my parent's hardships, and feeling responsible for my parent's well-being. I still acknowledge their hardships, but now, I just want some time to explore my own interests, find out what's best for my own well-being, and take some time to reflect on things. This would comprise 25% of my decision.

I've tried to discuss the money concern with my parents, and I think it's reasonable to want to save up for med. school, but they don't seem willing to listen. They just brush me off, and say that I can make more money if I hurry up and become a doctor and just pay off the loans then. However I don't want to start med. school the same way I started college. I started off with nothing in my pockets, and I tried to explain to my parents about my own financial struggles in college, but they don't understand since they weren't involved in this process, and also because they were always so consumed and laden with their own problems. I just want to start med. school differently, with an emergency rain fund and also enough to cover personal expenses to start off in the beginning while I adjust.

My parents are very disappointed in me right now. I just graduated, and they are disappointed that I'm not in med school already and "not successful" (I am working as a research assistant). They are disappointed in me for a myriad of reasons, including my not being able to "step up" for my parents financially and it seems they have always been looking at me to just "hurry up" and become successful and take care of their problems (even though I think their approach is merely transferring the problems onto another person, me, rather than getting the problem solved). They are also always embarrassed when other people ask about me, and are quick to table any discussion about me by brushing other people off and saying that I'm still planning on doing med. school.

They already know I plan on taking one year off, but now I want to talk to them about taking three or four years off for the above reasons. I also should mention, I take a long time to think about things before making decisions, but my parents have already jumped the gun and assumed I will be applying this cycle. This would mainly be my fault. I let them think this, because I knew if I told them I needed some time to think about a few things that were concerning me, they would jump the gun, assume I was abandoning the med. school idea, and hassle me endlessly about this, without giving me some personal space to think things through on my own first (I'm speaking from experience, regarding other things that have happened).

The only thing is, I've already learned from experience that I can't get through to my parents with reason. So if I tell them I just want to save up, pay off loans, and take a break from school, they just won't understand this and it'll cause a lot of conflict, with them hassling me, yelling at me and being even more disappointed in me. I'm also afraid that one of the parents will have a nervous breakdown like before (which was followed by a series of other events), even if I assure them that I'm just delaying not forgoing my med. school application. I don't expect much from my parents: I don't expect or seek their approval or understanding anymore, but I just want a harmonious and stable family dynamics. Family conflict greatly affects me (in a bad way), and I don't know if I have the emotional capacity to handle anymore more nervous breakdowns, or negatively emotionally charged conflicts, and everything that usually happens with those incidents.

So this is my solution: I have decided to lie. I am going to tell my parents that I failed my MCATs, and that I need some time to study for it as hard as I can, but since I now have work, it'll take me longer to adequately prepare and thoroughly go through all the materials. I'll just say that before, I didn't do a thorough job before, so this time I will study more thoroughly, which is why I need more time. However, I also know that if I tell my parents I didn't do well on the MCATs, they'll just go off on a rant (less severe than the reaction above if I tell them I'm not applying for other reasons) and just berate me about this score. Also, their mentality based on how they grew up is to just "cram, stay up all night, cram, cram" and take the MCAT again ASAP. This is irrational, in my opinion, and it also will undermine my excuse that I want to study for a longer, more thorough time. Any advice on how to combat potential arguments from my parents about this? Thank you.

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[AdrianVeidt]

You: Mom, Dad.... I'm not ready for med school. Ease up off my back.

Lying isn't the way to go. Just tell the truth.

 

[La Presse]

Three or four years is too much.

 

[TheShaker]

Lies don't last long term. Eventually, it will come out and you will receive so much **** from your parents. I grew up in a similar household and I know how you feel.

I know this is much harder than it sounds, but if you want to take a year or two off before medical school, then living alone and independently sounds like a good idea. You are taking gap years to mature and experience the world and you can't do that with your parents controlling you like that. Tell them you're an adult and you will be managing your own life from now on. (Again, harder than it sounds) I trust that you've reached an age and size that they won't be spanking you anymore.

I don't know how good your MCAT is but you should try to apply in a year or two before it becomes outdated. You don't want to take it again when the new version comes out.

 

[DAPI]

Before I begin, I have to explain that I'm the first-born child of immigrant parents, as this will probably change your perception of my situation and the advice you give. I have constantly been reminded that a lot of things for my family are riding on me, and my parents have always told me that their "hope" lies with my future; it has always been a burden to know that someone else's future hope/happiness lies in my hands.

After taking a long time to think things through in high school and college, I decided I do want to go to med. school. I worked hard in college (3.85) and took the MCAT already. I received a great score on the MCAT (but I haven't told this to my parents yet). I was also involved in the typical pre-med activities: research, internships, etc. On paper, it would appear that I am ready to apply this cycle, however after giving myself some time to think things through thoroughly, I came to the conclusion that I don't want to apply until at least two- three cycles from now.

• Money: I have loans from college, and the idea of taking out the amount of loans for med. school is daunting, at least right now. If I could at least pay off my college loans and save some money for an emergency rain fund for med. school, I would feel at ease about taking more loans for med. school. I also have a car loan I'm going to be making payments on for a while. Money concerns would comprise 75% of my decision to apply later.
• Other: Even if money was not a problem, I would still not want to go to med school right now. I need some time off to reflect on the last ten or so years of my life. I've been going non-stop for a long time: my life so far has been a crusade-like pursuit on getting good grades, extolling my parent's hardships, and feeling responsible for my parent's well-being. I still acknowledge their hardships, but now, I just want some time to explore my own interests, find out what's best for my own well-being, and take some time to reflect on things. This would comprise 25% of my decision.

I only read what I quoted cause I do not like walls of text, but here are my counters. (Yeah, I know you asked how to explain not going, but I'm going to explain why to go)

Money:
1) The amount you will make in one or two years as a physician will probably pay off your undergrad loans and you will lose out on that salary if you take years off doing other things.
2) Also, why do you have a car loan? You should be driving a beater as a pre-med/med student, not a $5000+ car that you had to take a loan out on.

Other:
1) This is okay, but what are you going to do with this "time off". You will need a job which will allow for little time to pursue new/different activities you may be interested in. If you know medicine is your final goal, why not start now?

Those are just some things to think about.

 

[Josh7]

Three or four years is too much.

I agree with this. Your great MCAT score isn't going to last forever.

Personally I would be an advocate of taking a year off, that's not going to kill you. I don't truly understand the situation you're in. My parents have never pushed me in a certain direction like yours seem to be doing. You must be extremely easily pushed around to have your parents still making such huge decisions for you this late in your life. You need to sit down and tell your parents what your plan it. You don't need to reason with them at all, just tell them what you'll be doing and why you're doing it. They have no say in the matter.

To ease your parents minds tell them your MCAT score, tell them you'll have no problems getting into medical school and that you just need some time off.

Also, before anyone else posts it:

 

[PreMedOrDead]

How do I tell my parents I'm not ready for med. school?

"Mom, dad, I'm not ready for medical school."


Honestly though, if you've got the MCAT, GPA, and ECs for going to Medical School, the only thing that you should not go to medical school for is if you're mentally not ready for it and need a break before starting. Otherwise, every single 'problem' you have would be solved by going to medical school.

 

[La Presse]

FAP, anyone?

 

[eefen]

I don't truly understand the situation you're in. My parents have never pushed me in a certain direction like yours seem to be doing. You must be extremely easily pushed around to have your parents still making such huge decisions for you this late in your life.

My guess is there are a number of cultural factors playing into your family dynamics. If so, I think many of us who are born and raised in here with a typical American family might do well to consider that perhaps things aren't as simple as they might seem. Though I agree that it is important to be your own person, it is also important to understand that there are quite possibly some familial dynamics in this situation that are outside of our American norm.

To the OP: You seem to be a rational, maturing individual who understands the difference between being a push over and simply seeking peace. I can't say that I envy your situation. I do agree with some above posters that 3-4 years is far too long, if only because your MCAT will expire for the majority of schools, which generally only consider scores less than three years old. However, a year off would be perfectly reasonable. I think, given your story and motivation, what you said above (i.e. you just need to figure out who you are, find out what motivates you, etc.) is a perfectly good reason. If you can spend your year doing at least something related to medical school, awesome. If you spend it traveling, working....that's fine too.

As far as addressing things with your parents...it would obviously help if we knew more about your age, living situation (are you able to live on your own at this point?), etc. However, assuming that you are at least a young adult who is prepared to live on his/her own, it would seem reasonable for you to explain to your parents your plans and suffer the consequences. You will be a doctor someday. You can tell them that you appreciate all they have done for you, the wonderful foundation that they have provided for your future, and the awesome direction they have pointed you in. You are not writing off their hopes and dreams. You just need to grow up a little bit in a way that you can't while you are under their roof or focusing on medical school. They probably will not understand, but this can be presented in a way that is respectful and honoring.

But don't lie to them.

Also, though it would be good to pay off your car loan, and maybe start on your UG loans, I wouldn't be terribly concerned about saving for medical school. You will take out loans, regardless. You will not save enough in one year to pay for even one year, given your likely available jobs and standing monetary obligations. So that's not even a concern. There are plenty of people who get to the end of the road with UG and medical school loans hanging over their head. Live smart, rent for a while, pay off your loans with your attending salary--you'll be fine.

Good luck to you.

 

[PreMedOrDead]

FAP, anyone?

Don't mind if I do

 

[dayswellspent]

OP, I'm also the first-born in an immigrant family, with a lot riding on my back. They not only want me to go above and beyond, but whatever I do, I have to follow my culture and family traditions, etc. You can probably guess what happened when I told my parents I wanted to take a couple years off to get my MPH and explore my interests before applying to med school. So I understand where you're coming from. It's always tough knowing you've made the right decision for yourself, but those who matter to you most don't agree with that choice.

Like all the other posters, I agree putting off med school for 3-4 years isn't such a good idea. If you really do believe medicine is your true calling, you wouldn't want to risk the chance of losing that momentum by delaying it any further.

Not only would lying to your parents undermine your attempt to buy more time for yourself, if your predicted reaction would occur, what would you say after you "took it a second time" and "got the scores back"? You would be starting back at square 1.

I'm not sure of the criteria for doing this, but I've seen ads by the army/navy who are willing to cover the cost of medical school (since money seems to be the biggest factor for you). Granted you would have to work in a setting of their preference after you finish med school, but that would save you a ton of money.

If you have great MCAT scores and a good GPA, why not apply in a couple years? Who knows, you might get a scholarship (which will ease a little stress) and you would also have the option to defer for a year. If you get in, at least then your parents would know you're serious about med school and wouldn't give as much crap about it.

 

[helloaugust]

Thanks for the replies.

I think there's a cultural layer that probably makes this situation a little different for anyone reading this. It's also pretty common for people my age to get pressured about marriage in my culture as well. You might think it's enough to say "nope, not getting married any time soon, not seeing anyone", but it just doesn't work that way, everyone will keep asking and hassling you about it until it happens (this is a separate issue that helps shed light on some of the dynamics. Oddly, this doesn't bother me anymore because the hassling and pressuring started such a long time ago, I now feel immune to anything they say. I've repeated so many times that I have no plans on getting married in the near future, and they continue to ignore my reasons and just repeat their perspective and say the same thing over and over again, I'm at a loss of what to say/do so I just stare at them incredulously.)

Also, to clarify: I've done what most of you have already said: I make up my mind, I tell them what I'm doing, and why I'm doing it. They've never been approving of any of my decisions, and instead of accepting them, they usually berate or criticize my decisions, which is fine, I've gotten used to that, and I no longer expect any approval from them, as I've just learned to do my thing and make my own decisions. However, one of my parents is severely unstable and will have nervous breakdowns, anxiety attacks about everything in not just my life, but the other parent's life, my younger siblings' lives, other family member's lives and will freak out, have a breakdown, when they feel anxious about something (me taking time off = high cause for anxiety). The other parent just gets critical and keeps repeating over and over why they think I should not take time off, and why taking time off is a bad idea. I understand their concerns, so I address them, but it seems they never hear me and just repeat their point over and over again. This usually causes a lot of conflict, emotionally charged fights, and they're yelling at me going crazy about the decision I've made to the point the police had to come over to our place once.

I guess I'm at a loss of how to communicate with them. I've already made up my mind I will NOT be applying to med. school this fall, but I want to avoid the potential blow-out that usually happens when I make a decision, tell them my decision, and they freak out because it's not what they want; I have a hard time communicating with them, and it seems like they never hear what I say, and instead just go off freaking out, really emotionally and irrationally. In the past, I've told them my decisions and tried to explain why, but they just get very angry and emotional and freaked out. I don't want this to happen ever again. I just want a normal conversation and consequences, "Hey mom/dad, I just wanted to let you know, I decided not to apply this fall, and apply next fall" and have for them to have a normal calm response that accepts the rationale. I understand they have certain plans for me, but it has gotten to the point where I think they just need to accept me for who I am and that I have plans of my own. There is a language barrier as well, in that I barely speak the language now, just basic conversational things but nothing to express something like this, and they don't speak English.

It seems like they have a preconceived notion in their minds of everything I should do and everything I should be like, but everytime I make a decision and tell them what my decision is, this strays more and more from their notion, and they get really upset about it. I guess I'm more American in the way I perceive this, I just think they need to cut the umbilical cord and realize that I have a mind for myself and that I'm my own person. But in THEIR minds, I'm betraying them and letting them down by not being "obedient". I'm also just tired of trying to explain myself. I think it should be enough for me to just tell them my plans, without having to deal with the emotional outbreak that ensues. I guess I thought if I lied about the MCAT, I wouldn't have to deal with this, but you guys are right, I shouldn't lie.

Also, based on everyone's responses, I'm reconsidering things, and thinking about shortening my time-off to two at the most... I still don't want to apply this year, but the following fall. I'm currently working as a research assistant where I'm directly working with PhDs/MDs in the specialty field I want to pursue. I know that I might end up not pursuing this field in the future, but I am enjoying the work experience so far. I think someone pointed this out, too, but I think I'm mentally not ready for med. school either. I am flat-out burned out and like I wrote before, I think I spent a lot of time focusing on just getting good grades and burning myself out, but now I just want some time to finally slow down a little bit, shift gears before getting back into the game.

(And a few things to address people's points: about my car, I would prefer to drive an old car. Most of my friends drive their parent's spare/old car, or their parents brought them a used car, but I was on my own in this matter. Decent used cars go for $6-8G in cash that I didn't have. There's a dealership near my place, and I was able to purchase a gently used car with low mileage, WITH financing and just a $1,500 down payment that I had saved up while working part-time in college. I had a little more saved, but I didn't want to empty my rainy fund all at one time, and financially, it is easier for me to put down a smaller down payment and make a few hundred dollars a month payment after getting my paycheck (I was still in school when I purchased). I know this is NOT the ideal way to buy a car, but after reviewing all of my options, this was the best choice I had, since I receive 0 financial assistance from parents. With regards to saving up to medical school, I'm not expecting to save that much. But when I started college, I went in having no idea about the financial aid system and $0 to my name, and all four years, I was barely making ends meet, and at one point, I almost withdrew due to a car accident, several surgeries, etc; at that time, my emergency fund was very small and I relied on my work-study job to pay rent, so after the accident, I was out of work, had rent & tons of bills and it was just a really hard year for me, and I think I'm still getting recovering from that year. Maybe this is different for everyone, but I just prefer to start off with some money to my name, at least an emergency fund to cover for medical emergencies, other emergencies, and know that I have a decent savings I could fall back on for books, rent, bills in case something happens, so I won't repeat what happened in college that year. It made a lasting impression on me. Until that time, I thought I was doing pretty OK financially for a student (minimal loans, work-study job to pay for rent, etc, save a little every month), but that incident hit me really hard and I had no one to turn to and not enough of an emergency funds to fall back on (i couldn't turn to my parents for help either, since they have their own problems, and were overall unsupportive; I think that accident just made a lasting impression on me, so in the future, I never want to be unprotected like that and if I start med. school, I want to do so with enough funds to cover me in case something happens again.

 

[helloaugust]

OP, I'm also the first-born in an immigrant family, with a lot riding on my back. They not only want me to go above and beyond, but whatever I do, I have to follow my culture and family traditions, etc. You can probably guess what happened when I told my parents I wanted to take a couple years off to get my MPH and explore my interests before applying to med school. So I understand where you're coming from. It's always tough knowing you've made the right decision for yourself, but those who matter to you most don't agree with that choice.

Like all the other posters, I agree putting off med school for 3-4 years isn't such a good idea. If you really do believe medicine is your true calling, you wouldn't want to risk the chance of losing that momentum by delaying it any further.

Not only would lying to your parents undermine your attempt to buy more time for yourself, if your predicted reaction would occur, what would you say after you "took it a second time" and "got the scores back"? You would be starting back at square 1.

I'm not sure of the criteria for doing this, but I've seen ads by the army/navy who are willing to cover the cost of medical school (since money seems to be the biggest factor for you). Granted you would have to work in a setting of their preference after you finish med school, but that would save you a ton of money.

If you have great MCAT scores and a good GPA, why not apply in a couple years? Who knows, you might get a scholarship (which will ease a little stress) and you would also have the option to defer for a year. If you get in, at least then your parents would know you're serious about med school and wouldn't give as much crap about it.

Thanks for your post. It's always helpful to hear from someone coming from a very similar background. I guess it's frustrating because I've made up my mind and made my decision already, but they seem unable to accept or respect that, and just go off like a broken record repeating the same things and getting emotionally charged.

In addition to your post, as well as others, I am reconsidering the 3-4 years now. I think I just felt exasperated at that point. Honestly, I just want to tell my parents that I'm NOT going to med. school, and I want them to make peace with that and accept me for who I am. It's hard because I never get any kind of feedback from them except when it's to freak out or get upset about a decision I made that does't line up with their traditions and preconceptions, which makes me feel like a shell and they just want the outside shell that does what they say.

At this point, I'm looking at 2 years, which was my original plan. I will probably apply next fall, to start the following year, so that would give me two years off. I was thinking this originally but after feeling exasperrated, I felt maybe longer 3-4 years. Thanks again for your post, you (and the others) are right that I probably shouldn't put it off much longer if I know it's what I want to do. I just think that the more I feel like someone is rushing or pushing me into something, the more resilient I become and have second thoughts. I have to be sure that everything I do in my life is because it is a decision I personally made, and even though I made this personal decision to go to med school (my parents have always wanted me to go to law school), when my parents start pushing me into going sooner than I want, I push back more.

Is 2 years reasonable?

 

[bluebillion]

2 years is a long time. 3-4 years later life could be totally different and pose new challenges, and you may not have the drive for med school anymore. Take a year off, two tops.

IMO, at least

 

[Violagirl]

Thanks for the replies.



(And a few things to address people's points: about my car, I would prefer to drive an old car. Most of my friends drive their parent's spare/old car, or their parents brought them a used car, but I was on my own in this matter. Decent used cars go for $6-8G in cash that I didn't have. There's a dealership near my place, and I was able to purchase a gently used car with low mileage, WITH financing and just a $1,500 down payment that I had saved up while working part-time in college. I had a little more saved, but I didn't want to empty my rainy fund all at one time, and financially, it is easier for me to put down a smaller down payment and make a few hundred dollars a month payment after getting my paycheck (I was still in school when I purchased). I know this is NOT the ideal way to buy a car, but after reviewing all of my options, this was the best choice I had, since I receive 0 financial assistance from parents. With regards to saving up to medical school, I'm not expecting to save that much. But when I started college, I went in having no idea about the financial aid system and $0 to my name, and all four years, I was barely making ends meet, and at one point, I almost withdrew due to a car accident, several surgeries, etc; at that time, my emergency fund was very small and I relied on my work-study job to pay rent, so after the accident, I was out of work, had rent & tons of bills and it was just a really hard year for me, and I think I'm still getting recovering from that year. Maybe this is different for everyone, but I just prefer to start off with some money to my name, at least an emergency fund to cover for medical emergencies, other emergencies, and know that I have a decent savings I could fall back on for books, rent, bills in case something happens, so I won't repeat what happened in college that year. It made a lasting impression on me. Until that time, I thought I was doing pretty OK financially for a student (minimal loans, work-study job to pay for rent, etc, save a little every month), but that incident hit me really hard and I had no one to turn to and not enough of an emergency funds to fall back on (i couldn't turn to my parents for help either, since they have their own problems, and were overall unsupportive; I think that accident just made a lasting impression on me, so in the future, I never want to be unprotected like that and if I start med. school, I want to do so with enough funds to cover me in case something happens again.

OP, I totally understand about the car situation. I had an older car (1995) that I had purchased from my grandparents for $300 as I needed one to commute to my community college but every winter, the car would constantly need parts fixed or replaced so in the end, I was throwing away money on a car that would continue to break down on me when it was more worth it in the end to put it towards a newer car. After having that car for 3 years and having it break down on me a final time, I gave it away to a car shop and ended up buying a 2 year old used car that I was able to $1000 down payment on and took out a loan to pay for the rest. I'm currently (and have been for 2 years) paying back the loan on the car but am so glad I did as I now have a reliable car that no longer shuts down on me each winter.

As for your family members, I would say that lying would not be the best thing to do. Rather, just tell them the truth and let them know that it will be the best for your future if you wait a year or two to pursue medical school. I know you mentioned one of your parents has anxiety attacks if they hear news that they don't like to hear if it's from you or anyone else but do not let this prevent you from communicating your intentions from them as it isn't something that you can control on their part. If it has been an ongoing issue on this parent's end, I would encourage them to speak with a doctor to help with their health complications. Hope this helps and best of luck to you!

 

[eefen]

I'm not sure of the criteria for doing this, but I've seen ads by the army/navy who are willing to cover the cost of medical school (since money seems to be the biggest factor for you). Granted you would have to work in a setting of their preference after you finish med school, but that would save you a ton of money.

I thought about this for myself for a while. It is potentially a good option, but don't do it just for the money. There are a lot of downsides to military medicine that might make you wish you had just taken out loans. Research this for yourself...for a long period of time...before deciding on this. The military medicine forum here on SDN is a good place to start, but be aware that there is a lot of negativity over there as well. Don't take it all to heart, but also realize that much of it may be justified.

 

[eefen]

At this point, I'm looking at 2 years, which was my original plan. I will probably apply next fall, to start the following year, so that would give me two years off.

If you are going to take a year off, try to apply in early summer (i.e. early June) of the year you apply. Can't hurt your chances.

 

[LucidSplash]

I took three years off and I'm now in my 3rd year of residency. Three years off is only too much from the perspective of a premed.

...and if you find you "don't have the drive for med school" after taking 2-4 years off? Then you found out before medical school, being trapped by debt, and you're the better for it.

Your parents aren't going to listen and you need to start living your life FOR YOU. But you need to tell them the truth. Do not lie, it will be a short-term "fix" that can't lead to a meaningful solution. Your parents apparently don't understand that going to medical school would mean a minimum of 7 years before you would make money to contribute to them in any way and you could do so sooner if you DID NOT go to medical school. But since you've expressed that you can't get through to them, you need to stop trying. Accept your parents for who they are and accept yourself for who you are and then make the decisions that are best for you. In the long-run, it will matter more if YOU are disappointed with yourself or your life, not if they are. That doesn't mean that their opinion won't sting, just that you have to look at the big picture here. You can "be successful" outside of medical school and do so a heck of a lot faster than if you go that route. Take all the time you need... too many people jump right in without really considering if there is another path that might be a better fit for them.

Go read about 35 Carolyn Hax articles to understand the concept of not being able to change the opinions of others and seeking healthy ways to live harmoniously with them while fulfilling your own needs. Your parents won't get it, but you can get there and regardless if you go to medical school or not, you'll be happier at 50 if you start to internalize this concept now.

 

[dayswellspent]

helloaugust, I really commend you for putting up with so much. It's always tough to satisfy such parents. I understand they want the best for us kids and that's probably one of the reasons that they moved to the US. They expect fast results and are very keen to look out for negativity and failures. But they really don't understand the limbo we live in where we have to make our own life and at the same to tend to our parents wishes. And they will NEVER accept that our lives are always going to be different from theirs, matter how much we try to persuade them (from my experience at least).

But I don't understand this: I am shocked that they're expecting so much from you when haven't supported your financially, emotionally, etc (even just a little) after all that you have been through, especially the accident. Or at least be a little more empathetic of your situation. They could be a little supportive if they are expecting you to help them out in the future.

I'm not sure if telling them flat out your not going to medical school is a good idea either. It could come back to haunt you later. Take a few days to really develop what you want to tell them and stay calm (although that's easier said than done).

Two years does sound reasonable, in my opinion; just keep doing what you're doing or whatever your interests to really make sure medicine is right for you.

Keep your chin up! Your parents will eventually understand that this was the best thing for you.

 

[helloaugust]

Violagirl, yeah, that's another risk I was worried about, whether or not I should risk money on a really used car I might end up having to spent more money to keep fixing, or buying a slightly used car that had less chance of breaking down (with a smaller down payment I could actually afford). Also, thanks, after reading your post and the others before, I realize that lying would just make things worse, and I'll do my best to tell the truth though I'm just weary of how to handle the emotional consequences. Thanks for your post!

Dayswellspent/eefen: I will look into military medicine, army/navy. I admit, i haven't been considering it yet since I want to go into a more specific field that I don't know would work with military medicine, but I will give it a shot!

Lucid: thanks so much for your post and encouragement. It's great to hear from someone who took more time off and is doing well in med school. You're also right in that if I realize I don't have the drive in 2-4 years, that's also a good thing that I found out then not when I'm already stuck in med school. Also thank you for the reference to Carolyn Hax articles. I think this will help because I need to find a way to live with the fact that my parents won't understand me or change their opinions. I dont think I'm trying to change their opinions or decisions, I just don't know how to handle things once I make my own decision and they can't accept it/want to change that (they have blatantly told me I need to change myself to be accepted by them). If they have their own opinions, but accept me for who I am, I can handle that disagreement, but it's hard since I feel their constant trying to change me into what they want. But, you're right in that in the long run it will matter more if I'm disappointed in myself, so thanks again for your post and Hax articles, I will read them tomorrow.

dayswellspent, I think you expressed the struggle of immigrant kids who feel stuck really well: "we have to make our own life and at the same to tend to our parents wishes". It's hard, because growing up mainly in the US, you get used to just thinking of being your own person and doing right by you, but we still owe it to our parents for being here in the first place. Yeah, I also don't understand my parents. They have explicitly made it clear that I will need to be supporting them when I become a doctor, and sometimes I see them calculating potential wages and how the money could be spent (my living/their living expenses). So I would think they would be more supportive of me, however, I think they just have a lot of problems of their own, and feel laden with life's problems. I'm probably more difficult than my younger siblings, who are smart and obedient, but more passive and easily instructed by my parents.

Another thing I just remembered I wanted to ask people's advice on: when i initially graduated and told my parents I wanted to take one year off when I'm going through the admissions process (and after they spent significant time trying to make me change my mind and couldn't), they then wanted me to live back in their house (my room is empty, unused), and it would also contribute to me saving money. I was really surprised , since this is probably their only and major financial contribution to my education after h/s and I wasn't expecting it at all, but I was also deeply grateful. I'm not home that much, I work at the lab a lot, but I don't do anything that would annoy parents: I come at home at a reasonable time (always before 9, usually straight from work), I don't bring guests over, I do my own laundry, keep my room clean, I eat frozen food at work a lot, but when I do go to the store, I always do their groceries too. Just small things to help and show my gratitude. All through college, it was tough, since sometimes after paying rent, I'd had to wait until my next paycheck to buy groceries, etc, so it was just very pleasant to live where I knew there will always be a roof over my head. The living expenses in this city are VERY high, so a lot of my friends taking time off before law/med school/phD are also living rent-free with their parents. It's because they were able to provide me a room that I'm able to make car payments, loan payments, and save up a small amount for med school., and it's something I'll be very grateful for and always remember. I also went through a period where I built up inner resentment, hurt and anger, at how they were not there for me during the accident time, and other things in the last few years they weren't emotionally available for (some things, I didn't even bother telling them, since I knew they were to preoccupied with their own problems and would make things worse by being unsupportive; so there's a lot I had to keep to myself and had no one to turn to. It was also very hurtful because during this time I was struggling alone, I couldn't tell them anyone, but then later they accused me of not being supportive of THEIR hardships, when I was struggling on my own with my own problems. However, when they offered for me to move back, I saw it as a warm gesture and felt that this made up for a lot of things and replaced the hurtful memories.

However, lately the anxious parent (who has breakdowns) started to lash out at me, on how selfish I am for not giving them anything from my paycheck. And how I don't deserve this room. It's been stressful because they lash out at me about not having to pay rent but when I offer to pay, they lash out more and scream that they will kick me out. I am starting to think this situation is unstable and it's time for me to move out, but it seems like most of the time it's okay, but then once in a while this parent lashes out (which I'm starting to just understand as an irrational, anxious reaction), and the other parent gets involved but takes it seriously, and lectures me on how I should I "step up" and other people my age (early twenties) are "stepping up" . I offer to pay rent, but then they say they don't want the small things like that, but want me to "step up" financially more.

It's just a hard situation for me, because I love them, but they say things that hurt me alot and don't seem rational. They made it perfectly clear to me that I will be supporting them. Even if they don't ask, or even if the entire world tells me that I don't have to take care of them, I WILL. I could never abandon my parents, and of all of my family members, I have always been the one to assume responsibility when things don't get taken care of in our house. However, it seems my parents are always having the mentality of "whats in it for us?" They see me living rent-free (even when they invited me), and they see that they are not getting any immediate benefits, and they are thus critical of me and see me as a failure. I guess it hurts, because I see other friends who are like me, and their parents are more than happy to invest in their future (not just by letting them live rent-free, but by pitching in for their educational costs). It's hard because every since I was young, it seemed my parents wanted me to be the responsible one that takes care of their family and that everyone can depend on, but during rare times when it's turned around and I want to depend on them like this, they act like I committed the worst sin in the world. Sorry, I've been writing way too much. I think I originally just wanted to ask advice on discussingdelaying med school plans with my parents, but there is a lot ofback story.

 

[ShenanigansMD]

These are HUGE posts man. I feel like I'm reading something from the NYTimes or the Economist.

Just tell them how you feel, why you feel that way, and what you plan on doing about it. If you just say "I'm not ready," then they are going to follow up with why, how, and what's your plan.

Or you could always run away...

 

[helloaugust]

Also to add one more thing, I mentioned this above, but I have friends pursuing law school/PhD taking undetermined time off to work (most likely 2-3 yrs) and save for graduate school, while living at home. I have some pre-med friends doing Masters first, also living at home, and others currently applying, while living at home, in this cycle or the next. Everyone's parents are so supportive and are willing to invest in their children's future even in small ways like letting them live in their old room for no charge.

My parents are the only ones who complain about rent. When I mentioned this to my friends, most of them actually looked at me really shocked since they had never heard about having to pay rent to parents. Especially if the whole point was to take time off, live with them, and save money. Also keep in mind, we are a bunch of hard-working, good students who are all living at home during transition phases of our life, for the purpose of saving money and gaining experience before making our next big academic/career move. It's not like I'm a druggie, couch potato who just stays at home and watches tv/plays games all day, gets high (not saying any of this is wrong, but it's not that I'm doing any of this, and just living off my parents and expecting them to pay for me).

I think that's just one thing that hurts me a little. Because when they complain or criticize me about rent, it saddens me because it comes off as parents unwilling to invest in me even just by letting me live at home (I can't help, having so many other examples to compare from). But I remind myself, its because they want ME to be the responsible one they can depend on, that they react so negatively about this, but it still hurts

 

[helloaugust]

These are HUGE posts man. I feel like I'm reading something from the NYTimes or the Economist.

Just tell them how you feel, why you feel that way, and what you plan on doing about it. If you just say "I'm not ready," then they are going to follow up with why, how, and what's your plan.

Or you could always run away...

Sorry.............. I was trying to discuss just this, but i had to provide some context in the beginning, and a lot of things I've been keeping to myself for years have come out. This is why I usually don't talk about things like this.

 

[lobo.solo]

Think about how bitter you'll become if you let others tell you how to live YOUR life. Just find the courage and tell them how you feel; they CANNOT force you to do anything that you don't want to do. You are not five years old.

 

[ShenanigansMD]

Sorry.............. I was trying to discuss just this, but i had to provide some context in the beginning, and a lot of things I've been keeping to myself for years have come out. This is why I usually don't talk about things like this.

Lol it's cool, just keep in mind that a lot a people here are gonna skim over it b/c there's so much to read.

 

[Josh7]

Lol it's cool, just keep in mind that a lot a people here are gonna skim over it b/c there's so much to read.

At this point the thread is like a 15 minute time commitment at least...

 

[Long Way to Go]

Another thing I just remembered I wanted to ask people's advice on: when i initially graduated and told my parents I wanted to take one year off when I'm going through the admissions process (and after they spent significant time trying to make me change my mind and couldn't), they then wanted me to live back in their house (my room is empty, unused), and it would also contribute to me saving money. I was really surprised , since this is probably their only and major financial contribution to my education after h/s and I wasn't expecting it at all, but I was also deeply grateful. I'm not home that much, I work at the lab a lot, but I don't do anything that would annoy parents: I come at home at a reasonable time (always before 9, usually straight from work), I don't bring guests over, I do my own laundry, keep my room clean, I eat frozen food at work a lot, but when I do go to the store, I always do their groceries too. Just small things to help and show my gratitude. All through college, it was tough, since sometimes after paying rent, I'd had to wait until my next paycheck to buy groceries, etc, so it was just very pleasant to live where I knew there will always be a roof over my head. The living expenses in this city are VERY high, so a lot of my friends taking time off before law/med school/phD are also living rent-free with their parents. It's because they were able to provide me a room that I'm able to make car payments, loan payments, and save up a small amount for med school., and it's something I'll be very grateful for and always remember. I also went through a period where I built up inner resentment, hurt and anger, at how they were not there for me during the accident time, and other things in the last few years they weren't emotionally available for (some things, I didn't even bother telling them, since I knew they were to preoccupied with their own problems and would make things worse by being unsupportive; so there's a lot I had to keep to myself and had no one to turn to. It was also very hurtful because during this time I was struggling alone, I couldn't tell them anyone, but then later they accused me of not being supportive of THEIR hardships, when I was struggling on my own with my own problems. However, when they offered for me to move back, I saw it as a warm gesture and felt that this made up for a lot of things and replaced the hurtful memories.

However, lately the anxious parent (who has breakdowns) started to lash out at me, on how selfish I am for not giving them anything from my paycheck. And how I don't deserve this room. It's been stressful because they lash out at me about not having to pay rent but when I offer to pay, they lash out more and scream that they will kick me out. I am starting to think this situation is unstable and it's time for me to move out, but it seems like most of the time it's okay, but then once in a while this parent lashes out (which I'm starting to just understand as an irrational, anxious reaction), and the other parent gets involved but takes it seriously, and lectures me on how I should I "step up" and other people my age (early twenties) are "stepping up" . I offer to pay rent, but then they say they don't want the small things like that, but want me to "step up" financially more.

It's just a hard situation for me, because I love them, but they say things that hurt me alot and don't seem rational. They made it perfectly clear to me that I will be supporting them. Even if they don't ask, or even if the entire world tells me that I don't have to take care of them, I WILL. I could never abandon my parents, and of all of my family members, I have always been the one to assume responsibility when things don't get taken care of in our house. However, it seems my parents are always having the mentality of "whats in it for us?" They see me living rent-free (even when they invited me), and they see that they are not getting any immediate benefits, and they are thus critical of me and see me as a failure. I guess it hurts, because I see other friends who are like me, and their parents are more than happy to invest in their future (not just by letting them live rent-free, but by pitching in for their educational costs). It's hard because every since I was young, it seemed my parents wanted me to be the responsible one that takes care of their family and that everyone can depend on, but during rare times when it's turned around and I want to depend on them like this, they act like I committed the worst sin in the world. Sorry, I've been writing way too much. I think I originally just wanted to ask advice on discussingdelaying med school plans with my parents, but there is a lot ofback story.

Move out. This is a separate issue from your original question; you're still going to have to talk to your parents about delaying med school plans. But as soon as it is financially sound for you to do so, you need to find a place of your own. It's not a matter of cutting ties entirely, but living with your parents is clearly not healthy for you. You need your own space and you need to be away from whichever parent lashes out at you like this.

 

[eefen]

move out. This is a separate issue from your original question; you're still going to have to talk to your parents about delaying med school plans. But as soon as it is financially sound for you to do so, you need to find a place of your own. It's not a matter of cutting ties entirely, but living with your parents is clearly not healthy for you. You need your own space and you need to be away from whichever parent lashes out at you like this.

+1

 

[dayswellspent]

Move out. This is a separate issue from your original question; you're still going to have to talk to your parents about delaying med school plans. But as soon as it is financially sound for you to do so, you need to find a place of your own. It's not a matter of cutting ties entirely, but living with your parents is clearly not healthy for you. You need your own space and you need to be away from whichever parent lashes out at you like this.

+2 I know you're trying to stabilize your relationship with your parents, but this situation doesn't seem the very emotionally or psychologically healthy. Do you have relatives here? You may be able to find consolation by talking to them.
Also, if you move in with a couple friends, it will reduce some of the financial burden by sharing the costs.

 

[kpcrew]

You can probably defer your loans for the time spent in school although they will have to be paid eventually of course.

 

[Rumalum]

money isn't an issue. Look into IBR repayment plans and public service loan forgiveness options. You'll see that it is highly unlikely that you would pay back all of the direct loans you have or will borrow.

Also, if you know you want to go to med school, what on earth are you waiting for? You don't seem like the type who can finance a world travel. Why would you sit there as a research assistant for 3 years when you would have only a year of med school left over the same amount of time?

 

[xXIDaShizIXx]

Just straight up tell them. There is a point when you have to tell them off.

 

[WellWornLad]

Delaying medical school to save money makes no sense whatsoever, for points already mentioned. And no one is ready for medical school when they start, I'm not sure what that even means. You don't really know what you're getting into, how can you be ready?

The bigger problem is that you probably don't belong in medicine. Not because you can't hack it or aren't good enough, but because you've probably never even given serious consideration to not doing medicine.

Many, many people with your background have gone into medicine, and 95% of them are unhappy to miserable. Right now is your last chance to stop the crazy train, because once you're in med school there's no light at the end of the tunnel until you've earned enough as an attending to pay off your loans.

I don't know you and I surely could be wrong, but statistically you're on the verge of making the worst decision of your life. Think about it.

 

[LucidSplash]

Just straight up tell them. There is a point when you have to tell them off.

Bleh. No, you don't have to "tell them off." The mature response (which your parents are unlikely to reciprocate) is to calmly tell them your decision, reaffirm to them your commitment to them as a respectful, loving child, but stand firm on your need to figure out what path is right for you and to not be pressured into applying to medical school until you want to (or not at all). Be respectful, be patient, be kind, but be firm. Your response should reflect the time and thought you've put into this and also your desire to continue to keep your relationship close, regardless of their response (likely to be emotional/angry/etc). Don't burn bridges or upset them unnecessarily; your best chance for a good relationship in the future is by keeping things respectful and even-keel from your end now and hopefully later they will respect you for how you handled yourself.

 

[Cascade11]

I understand your situation pretty well. My parents have been pushing for med school for the sole reason of $$$, who cares whether you can even look at blood w.e etc. And contrary to the popular belief [and this is cultural differences that don't go away with being firm and just talking] one doesn't simply do what he/she wants without defying his/parents and becoming the outcast. This is not a test of who is stronger willed, the child who wants to pursue his calling, or the family who knows they know everything in the world and are always right. Logic fails, well thought-out arguments bounce off the walls with the final word of the family " I know more than you, I know what is best, don't disrespect us." And in situations like these, where try as hard as you might, you can't convince your family that your chosen path is right for you, the end result is you leaving the family and living independently. The family sulks and curses ever having you, and maybe one day they come around to warming up to you and accepting you for who you are, but it won't be in the near future. From what the OP wrote, and yes I read everything, this is the case. In this situation it is easy to say just sit down and talk, but the OP did it, and I did it, and nothing good came out of it, only a lot of yelling. The biggest advise I can give you is tailor their ideas and plans to your plans by drawing similarities and withholding the truth from time to time. As you have already mentioned, you informing them of any differences in plans between you guys ended up with a lot of pain. So instead butter things up a bit. In your example, you want a year off and you are working in a lab in your specialty of choice. Tell you parents that if you work here there is a good chance you will get published and that will grant you that specialty of choice, instead of you scurrying for FM and making oh so much less than they deserve to have. Yes it's horrible thinking, yes a pre-med shouldn't be concerned with $$$ as OP family is. But if it gets them off your back, do it. You can use this to justify one year, but I don't think it would be a good excuse for more time than that.

Also, as a side note, it is easy to lose your voice in families like this. You need to think objectively as to why you want to become a doctor. I can't do anything else and $$$ are not good reasons. From personal experience I can tell you that I have been brainwashed to become a doctor since I was 5. Whatever possible reason parents give to their kids for becoming a doc, I have heard it. It was not until 2 years ago that I completely trashed the idea and came back to it all on my own. You have to be able to differentiate between what you want and what they want.

Best of luck to you.

 

[Chamahk]

two sides to every story. would like to hear your parents' side aswell before I make any firm conclusions. could be that you are not so squeaky clean after all.

and, as you might already have seen, you are not going to get the "type" of advice you are looking for here (SDN). reason being: American culture. it's not like else where. here in the states, the parent factor isn't as big as it is in other places. just watch some american films. kid is forced, pushed into activity by parent(s). kid gets frustrated, doesn't really like it. kid tells parent, "i'm throwing away your dreams" and sets out to pursue their own thing, then parent feels like s**t and even apologizes to kid then starts supporting kid. it's a reflection of the culture (even though it's a movie).

i'm the child of an immigrant myself. i know EXACTLY what you're going through. i remember once telling my dad, i'm considering switching majors from bio you should have witnessed the scene. probably might have been worse than your "nervous breakdown parent". i'm suprised in your posts you didn't mention your parents comparing you to kids of friends, and other relatives.

will drop of advice letter. kinda busy now.

 

[meix]

Lying isn't good, but it seems you're stuck in a situation where you can't be completely honest with them for fear of eliciting the nervous breakdowns and endless rants... so I'd say tell them something like this, which would be mostly truth:

"Mom, Dad, I'd like to take a year or two off to strengthen my application for medical school. Right now, it's just okay, but if I spend more time in the lab and get more research experience (as a research assistant), it would look better and I could get a really good letter of recommendation from the people I work with. I could also get more volunteer/service hours in and out of the hospital, which would look even better. That way, when I'm ready to apply, I have a better chance at getting into top medical schools."

That may not be your main motivation for wanting the break, but it should make a little more sense to them since they're so preoccupied with esteem and all that. Top med school = more for them to brag about, less to be ashamed about.

And yeah, I agree with everyone else that said 1 year ideally, two years tops for your break. It should be enough to give you a chance to breathe without losing any of your drive or determination, and without making you retake the monster of an MCAT that AAMC has in the works.

 

[basedbear]

Weak.

 

[pfaction]

1) The amount you will make in one or two years as a physician will probably pay off your undergrad loans and you will lose out on that salary if you take years off doing other things.

I don't think that's true anymore. Some schools are as much as $50k/year. There's no way you can repay that during residency or whatever.

Pharmacy school was the same way: Full cost of attending ~100k, 1.5 years flat paid off.

Now it's roughly 200k, and about two-three years flat. That's assuming NO purchases otherwise: no car, no house, nothin'.

 

[Mornhavon]

.