How much of your personal life is your Program Entitled to know?

[ryerica22]

Hello,
posting regarding a friend of mine who is a resident right now. His mother is completely Borderline (from my perspective). She has severe mental illness that is untreated and she has been threatening to call the Residency where he is at to tell them vicious things about him (e.g. he is abusive towards her, has been trying to create a divorce between his parents). His parents are going through a divorce and there is a minor child involved, but the father is getting custody. Though the father is also somewhat lenient and tends to make this woman happy (by letting her have extra time with the kid). She tends to get completely volatile and erratic when she doesn't get the kid afterschool everyday. This includes writing threatening messages, calling him on the phone and screaming at him (my friend), and even threatening to call the Medical Board where he is licensed to tell them that he is an abusive person.

Needless to say, he is in a lot of anguish over this and is going to therapy. But he is still very worried and has kept his program in the dark about this. He says his family is doing well (hasn't even mentioned any mention of divorce, etc.) He lives a few hours from his program but his mother could easily come there. He is very worried. The program director, with whom he works, is very traditional and family oriented, so he did not want to give them a heads up or warning.

I have instructed him to at least get a restraining order against his mother for verbal threats and constant harrassment. He is worried that if she does call his program coordinator/fellow residents (by paging hospital line) that his reputation will be ruined. I feel really bad for him and I think it is not up to the program to know specifics regarding his family life, but I don't know how to encourage him. Can the program take any adverse action against him and do they really need to know the specifics of his mother's mental illness/family issues?

Just, FYI, I have heard some of this woman's voicemails and he sent him audio texts as well, she was yelling at him and calling him filthy names, it was just horrible.

Thanks in advance.

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[HomeSkool]

I'm no legal eagle (where's Light when you need him?) but I recommend starting with the following:

• Save every correspondence (voicemail, text, pictures of nasty things she wrote in the dirt on his car)
• Restraining order
• Make PD aware of the situation

I recommend against staying silent. There's no honor in making yourself a disturbed individual's sacrificial lamb, even when that individual is family.

I'm sure more knowledgeable colleagues can provide more/better guidance. @aProgDirector, what say you?

 

[Goro]

I'm no legal eagle (where's Light when you need him?) but I recommend starting with the following:

• Save every correspondence (voicemail, text, pictures of nasty things she wrote in the dirt on his car)
• Restraining order
• Make PD aware of the situation

I recommend against staying silent. There's no honor in making yourself a disturbed individual's sacrificial lamb, even when that individual is family.

I'm sure more knowledgeable colleagues can provide more/better guidance. @aProgDirector, what say you?

I agree with my learned colleague and also suggest that your friend contact HR.

I strongly suspect that with ANY work environment, if a supervisor gets a cold call from someone who goes "I'm the mom of Dr ryerica22's friend and he's evil incarnate! He kicked me down the stairs! He killed my dog! He assassinated JFK!", said supervisor will simply look at the phone with a "WFT?" expression.

 

[rokshana]

I'm no legal eagle (where's Light when you need him?) but I recommend starting with the following:

• Save every correspondence (voicemail, text, pictures of nasty things she wrote in the dirt on his car)
• Restraining order
• Make PD aware of the situation

I recommend against staying silent. There's no honor in making yourself a disturbed individual's sacrificial lamb, even when that individual is family.

I'm sure more knowledgeable colleagues can provide more/better guidance. @aProgDirector, what say you?

agree with this.

he doesn't have to give his PD (and HR) all the nitty gritty details, but that there is some ongoing family issues and that unfortunately threats have been made to call his work.

saving correspondence, noting events in a journal also helpful...and TRO can give credence to all of the above.

good luck!

 

[NotAProgDirector]

I don't have much to add. If I get a call from some rando telling me there's a problem with one of my residents, unless they have a performance problem, I'm not going to do anything about it. I'd probably tell the resident about the call, so they know. If the resident had told me prior, I would have been more prepared but the outcome is the same.

The only exception to all this is if someone tells me that a resident is addicted to substances. Unfortunately, true or not, I need to investigate that. If false, a quick urine test clears them, and nothing goes into their record about it.

 

[ryerica22]

I will convey this information to him. He is very apprehensive about telling his PD.

 

[FrustratedFamDoc]

To me seems like a simple problem, really but I could be missing.

"Hey Mr. Program director dude/dudette. Can I talk to you for a few minutes? Ok cool. So my mom is nuts... like certifiable. By now, you know me and how I work. I'm good? Ok, cool. So back to my loco momma. She's really big on this libel and slander thing. You may get some calls from her and if you do, please let me know. I'll continue to be the normal and hard working resident that you've always known me to be."

I'd probably also have a similar conversation with the HR dept.

 

[ryerica22]

So I thought I would give some updates. My friend did inform his program of mother and did his best to hide his residency as well as subsequent fellowship from her. However, she quickly googled where he was and is now threatening to show up at his work place to create a scene. Unfortunately, she is delusional and blames him for his father filing for divorce. My friend is too scared to file a restraining order against his mom but I think that is what is necessary. It is unfortunate that he should have to bear the injury of someone who is so unstable and needs help. Luckily the program director is aware but his mother could in theory walk into his office and create a scene (she only lives 2 hours away). Are there any other things he should be doing to protect himself?

 

[Obnoxious Dad]

So I thought I would give some updates. My friend did inform his program of mother and did his best to hide his residency as well as subsequent fellowship from her. However, she quickly googled where he was and is now threatening to show up at his work place to create a scene. Unfortunately, she is delusional and blames him for his father filing for divorce. My friend is too scared to file a restraining order against his mom but I think that is what is necessary. It is unfortunate that he should have to bear the injury of someone who is so unstable and needs help. Luckily the program director is aware but his mother could in theory walk into his office and create a scene (she only lives 2 hours away). Are there any other things he should be doing to protect himself?

He needs to get in touch with a lawyer. I suspect that a family/divorce lawyer would be the right type. Any actions to be taken would always be up to your friend, rather than the lawyer, but he needs to arm himself with appropriate legal advice.

I suspect that your friend is going to face this problem in different contexts until his mother kicks the bucket. If I were in his shoes, I would be open about this situation with prospective employers. Otherwise he will live in fear for the next 25 years.

 

[Mass Effect]

So I thought I would give some updates. My friend did inform his program of mother and did his best to hide his residency as well as subsequent fellowship from her. However, she quickly googled where he was and is now threatening to show up at his work place to create a scene. Unfortunately, she is delusional and blames him for his father filing for divorce. My friend is too scared to file a restraining order against his mom but I think that is what is necessary. It is unfortunate that he should have to bear the injury of someone who is so unstable and needs help. Luckily the program director is aware but his mother could in theory walk into his office and create a scene (she only lives 2 hours away). Are there any other things he should be doing to protect himself?

This is horrid. I'm so sorry for your friend. I hope he's still in therapy and can work through this. Never underestimate the trauma of growing up with a mentally ill mother/parent.

I was also threatened by a raging borderline with a very similar threat. I told my PD about it in case any calls/emails came in.

 

[evilbooyaa]

Because he has told the PD in regards to this, ahead of time, while she can come and create a scene she is unlikely to. This sounds harsh but he honestly needs to just block her from his life. I know, easier said than done for one's own mother, but that's what he needs to actually ever be happy (as long as she's living).

 

[gutonc]

Because he has told the PD in regards to this, ahead of time, while she can come and create a scene she is unlikely to. This sounds harsh but he honestly needs to just block her from his life. I know, easier said than done for one's own mother, but that's what he needs to actually ever be happy (as long as she's living).

I just want to point out that it took me >45 years but blocking my mother from my life entirely is probably the single best thing I've ever done for my mental health.

 

[Rendar5]

It might be actually a good thing for her to come by and make a scene. Then police can be called for trespassing and if she truly acts crazy and delusional, can take her in to the local ED for an involuntary psych eval. Now there's actually a record protecting the OP as a safeguard against future issues (some of this would be state dependent of course)

 

[ryerica22]

I just want to point out that it took me >45 years but blocking my mother from my life entirely is probably the single best thing I've ever done for my mental health.

Just curious, hope this isn't too personal, how did you end up blocking your mother from your life, restraining order?

 

[gutonc]

Just curious, hope this isn't too personal, how did you end up blocking your mother from your life, restraining order?

I don't talk to her. I don't respond to her calls/emails/texts. Took her awhile but she seems to have gotten the point.

She never did anything like in the OP. She's just a sociopath and I'm not interested in being a part of that.