How to cope with demanding friends/family?

[8YearsLate]

Hi All,

I thought my toughest challenges in pre-med would be academic, financial, etc. But here I am, with just one pre-req and MCAT left to go, and my biggest challenge is: getting my family to understand how much I have to study in order to pull all this off. I work part-time, single mom, in school full-time - I'm broke, it's stressful, but I love my life. I'm motivated toward my goals, but I don't have a lot of wiggle-room where time-management is concerned.

My family and friends all want a piece of my time, and no matter how much I try to tell them I need to study, no matter how much time I consciously allocate for social activities and family time as it is, it's like inevitably I get the call the next day again with them wanting to see me or talk for a while. On top of it, they don't realize that I have 4-5 other people doing the same thing. Ironically, my 6-year-old is the most understanding of my study habits - it's the grown-ups who are needy!

I know they want me to succeed, but sometimes it feels like they're inadvertently sabotaging me. I got a 4.0 this past year and they're all "hoorah!" and act like it's time for me to relax, but I can't get them to understand that this is just the beginning - that my studies will get more demanding from here on out.

I want to take my MCAT at the end of the summer or at the very latest fall 2019 and I have no doubt in my ability academically - but I'm damn near about to change my number for the rest of the year in order to pull this off. Compounding factor: I'm a Florida resident, so you're looked at like you might be suicidal if you stay inside all day studying when it's sunny out.

Does anyone relate or have any advice? I would really appreciate it.

TLDR: My family/friends not understanding the pre-med journey is causing me more anxiety than classes and MCAT combined. Help!

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[smukke]

Stop answering your phone

 

[8YearsLate]

Stop answering your phone

Lol, thanks, I feel ya, but I'd prefer not to be at my white-coat ceremony utterly alone.

 

[smukke]

Lol, thanks, I feel ya, but I'd prefer not to be at my white-coat ceremony utterly alone.

Time comes, they'll still come out of the wood work to support and embarrass you, don't worry. Even the ones you didn't tell.

 

[Hass_Love_Fitness]

I had 2 kids (2,5 at the time), I was working close to full time, going to school full time, and studying for MCAT. My secret was I just didn’t answer my phone and put my foot down. Also, I incorporated my kids into my study time. I’m starting med school in July.

 

[ciestar]

You have to set boundaries. If they’re not willing to listen, you have to stop answering your phone and explaining the situation.

I get it, I’ve been there. My parents used to call allll the time. Med school is hard enough. Now, they’ll text and I will call when I have time.

Either way, you need to set boundaries and make it clear but let them know it isn’t anything personal. It won’t get any easier.

 

[WalSlave]

I know It’s easier said than done but you gotta learn how to say no, or at the very least train people to realize that the only way to hang with you is to schedule time a couple weeks in advance. The people that care about you will learn that same-day hangouts aren’t gonna happen with you, and then happily come around again when you have more time for spontaneity.

Your future patients and support staff will do this to you too so it’s a good skill to learn now.

 

[8YearsLate]

I had 2 kids (2,5 at the time), I was working close to full time, going to school full time, and studying for MCAT. My secret was I just didn’t answer my phone and put my foot down. Also, I incorporated my kids into my study time. I’m starting med school in July.

Thank you for reply! Lots of people seem to agree on the "put your foot down" and "ignore calls" thing. May I ask what you mean regarding incorporating kids into study time? I take my son to the park a lot while I study but I'm not sure what I could do beyond that. Any ideas appreciated

 

[8YearsLate]

I know It’s easier said than done but you gotta learn how to say no, or at the very least train people to realize that the only way to hang with you is to schedule time a couple weeks in advance. The people that care about you will learn that same-day hangouts aren’t gonna happen with you, and then happily come around again when you have more time for spontaneity.

Your future patients and support staff will do this to you too so it’s a good skill to learn now.

That's a good way to put it - schedule time in advance. I feel oddly arrogant asking people for this but you're right - I have no problem sticking to commitments ahead of time, I just really hate people expecting me to drop everything and hang out. Good suggestion, thank you!

 

[8YearsLate]

Time comes, they'll still come out of the wood work to support and embarrass you, don't worry. Even the ones you didn't tell.

Lol good to know!!

 

[8YearsLate]

You have to set boundaries. If they’re not willing to listen, you have to stop answering your phone and explaining the situation.

I get it, I’ve been there. My parents used to call allll the time. Med school is hard enough. Now, they’ll text and I will call when I have time.

Either way, you need to set boundaries and make it clear but let them know it isn’t anything personal. It won’t get any easier.

Thanks for your input and honesty about the fact that it doesn't get easier lol. Did your parents give you a hard time/ begrudge you for it or was all forgotten once you had a little time to spend with them? I'm very close with my dad and turning him down feels like punching a puppy in the face

 

[ciestar]

Thanks for your input and honesty about the fact that it doesn't get easier lol. Did your parents give you a hard time/ begrudge you for it or was all forgotten once you had a little time to spend with them? I'm very close with my dad and turning him down feels like punching a puppy in the face

Im three hours away from my parents so i rarely see them. They eventually let up and understood that I have commitments of my own to attend to. You’ll always feel bad for missing certain events, but you make what you can, or make it up in other ways when you can do so.

 

[nimbus]

Thanks for your input and honesty about the fact that it doesn't get easier lol. Did your parents give you a hard time/ begrudge you for it or was all forgotten once you had a little time to spend with them? I'm very close with my dad and turning him down feels like punching a puppy in the face

That doesn’t sound healthy. Your dad is not a child. Most parents understand that their grown children are busy. You should be able to say no without feeling guilty. Consider family therapy.

 

[8YearsLate]

Does your kiddo have homework or other tasks to do at home (even fun/creative stuff like coloring, crafts, etc.)? I used to do "homework" with my dad when he went back to school - we'd just sit at the table and do our stuff together. Obviously this depends on your son's age, ability to focus for long periods of time, etc., but it might be a way to make him feel included in what you're doing.

Re: your parents and adult family/friends, what I've found to be really useful is just setting clear expectations. So if someone calls me and I can't talk at that moment, I'll text back and say "Hey, I'm trying to finish some practice questions before I go to bed tonight. Did you need something or can I call you on my afternoon off on Thursday?" That will tell them: (1) You're in the middle of something important; (2) You don't have time to just chat for fun at the moment; but (3) you want to find time to talk to them. And it also allows you to choose a time to talk that works with your schedule.

The other thing that's been helpful for me with keeping in touch with loved ones is making an effort to call even for a few minutes when I do have the time. Talking to my SO for 5 minutes before bed or my mom on the 10 minute walk from my car to the classroom/hospital. It's just a little bit of time, but then they feel important to you (and they already talked to you that day so they won't call back later when you're in the middle of something lol). You can also make phone calls while you're doing necessary tasks that don't require a lot of focus. I'll put my dad on speakerphone in the AM while he's driving to work and I'm doing my hair and makeup, call my grandparents while I'm grocery shopping, call a friend while I'm folding laundry or tidying up the house, etc. Makes the chores go by faster and gives you a chance to catch up on a fairly regular basis

Yeah I like these ideas! My son is really into arts and crafts right now and yes he has homework we do together, I just never really thought of merging our work-time. I may put his mini-desk in my office and see if he likes that. And I commute a lot so the chatting on the way to school/work is a great idea - I do that with out of town people but need to start doing it with close people too. Thanks!

 

[8YearsLate]

That doesn’t sound healthy. Your dad is not a child. Most parents understand that their grown children are busy. You should be able to say no without feeling guilty. Consider family therapy.

No one is making me feel any which way so no family therapy required, it's just how I personally feel. When you lose one parent you tend to realize every moment counts with the other. But thank you.

 

[AnatomyGrey12]

Lol, thanks, I feel ya, but I'd prefer not to be at my white-coat ceremony utterly alone.

Might not be at a white-coat ceremony at all if you don't......

 

[deleted967981]

So, after you tell your friends and family you can't (insert whatever they want you to do here) with them, do you cave in when they guilt trip you, give you the sad face, or tell you 'you never have time for us anymore'? If so, you're sending mixed messages, and training them to keep pushing and you'll give in.

You have a child, so you understand that you have to be consistent when you set boundaries. If you do it with kindness, and follow through with your commitments to them after you've made them, they will quickly learn that they are important to you, but your goals and dreams are important to you too.

 

[8YearsLate]

So, after you tell your friends and family you can't (insert whatever they want you to do here) with them, do you cave in when they guilt trip you, give you the sad face, or tell you 'you never have time for us anymore'? If so, you're sending mixed messages, and training them to keep pushing and you'll give in.

You have a child, so you understand that you have to be consistent when you set boundaries. If you do it with kindness, and follow through with your commitments to them after you've made them, they will quickly learn that they are important to you, but your goals and dreams are important to you too.

Yeah I guess you're right, even when no one is outwardly "guilting me" I guilt myself for not making time and end up dropping everything. Thanks!

 

[deleted967981]

Yeah I guess you're right, even when no one is outwardly "guilting me" I guilt myself for not making time and end up dropping everything. Thanks!

Mom guilt is real, and all of us non-trad moms trying to make this happen feel it too. I'm a mom of five, matriculating this fall after a 15 year break from college. I have to tell myself quite often that my dream matter too, I'm not just here to help others achieve their goals. Good luck, and know that you've got a crew of moms here rooting for you!

 

[Campana]

TLDR: My family/friends not understanding the pre-med journey is causing me more anxiety than classes and MCAT combined. Help!

You've gotten tons of excellent advice on how to create those pockets of time, incorporate kids, keep in touch with folks, etc. I completely agree with all of it and used most of it myself too.

One last piece I'd add to the mix is to give yourself time. If you plan to take the MCAT this summer and you find that with all of these pulls on your time, you're just not ready...let yourself postpone and take it when you are. If you want 20 hours of study per week, but with all the push and pull you only get 10, let yourself have that time back by just pushing out your MCAT date.

Once my postbacc at night ended, we stopped using a nanny and I got pulled right back into all the after-school chaos (full time work, 3 kids 7, 9, 13 at that time). I had super concrete plans, (formally listed on the family calendar!) for how to fit in my study time...but then my daughter made the all-star team, and then the scout leader had a stroke, and then...life happens. So postponed my MCAT, applied a year later...and I got in!

So, give yourself some time

 

[InnerHillbilly]

One of the things I did to establish those boundaries was to explain, "Hey, I've got a lot of studying to do. When I study, I turn my phone off so that I don't get distracted. If you call or text me while I'm studying, I may not see it for several hours. But, I will call or text you back when I get a chance. If there is an emergency, you can call so-and-so person I live with and they will let me know."

If you don't have someone like that living with you, you can set your phone on Do Not Disturb, where if a person calls once, it won't go through, but if they call twice within a certain time period, it will. And then let your family know, "Hey, if there's an emergency, call twice. Otherwise, I'll get back to you later."

And keep up that schedule! Make time for you family and friends, but also let them know that if they want to spend time with you, they need to schedule it in advance.

Maybe you don't need family therapy, but personal counseling might be helpful. It's where I learned that it was OK to set boundaries, and why I feel certain things (like guilt for having to say no to my friends/family). It helps me to be more mindful of my thoughts and feelings, and take a step back when I begin reacting to something to look at the situation and think it through. It's also helped me figure out how to have those hard conversations with my friends and family, where I say, "I love you, and I enjoy spending time with you, but I've also got to study."

 

[smukke]

I

 

[smukke]

Delete

 

[Gos81238ia]

Hi All,

I thought my toughest challenges in pre-med would be academic, financial, etc. But here I am, with just one pre-req and MCAT left to go, and my biggest challenge is: getting my family to understand how much I have to study in order to pull all this off. I work part-time, single mom, in school full-time - I'm broke, it's stressful, but I love my life. I'm motivated toward my goals, but I don't have a lot of wiggle-room where time-management is concerned.

My family and friends all want a piece of my time, and no matter how much I try to tell them I need to study, no matter how much time I consciously allocate for social activities and family time as it is, it's like inevitably I get the call the next day again with them wanting to see me or talk for a while. On top of it, they don't realize that I have 4-5 other people doing the same thing. Ironically, my 6-year-old is the most understanding of my study habits - it's the grown-ups who are needy!

I know they want me to succeed, but sometimes it feels like they're inadvertently sabotaging me. I got a 4.0 this past year and they're all "hoorah!" and act like it's time for me to relax, but I can't get them to understand that this is just the beginning - that my studies will get more demanding from here on out.

I want to take my MCAT at the end of the summer or at the very latest fall 2019 and I have no doubt in my ability academically - but I'm damn near about to change my number for the rest of the year in order to pull this off. Compounding factor: I'm a Florida resident, so you're looked at like you might be suicidal if you stay inside all day studying when it's sunny out.

Does anyone relate or have any advice? I would really appreciate it.

TLDR: My family/friends not understanding the pre-med journey is causing me more anxiety than classes and MCAT combined. Help!

If you really need to buckle down for a concrete period of time like 2-3 months for the MCAT, it might help to just send out a mass message to family and friends saying that you will be unavailable for these two months for the MCAT and that you will plan to celebrate with them afterwards, that you appreciate their support and give them a date when you’ll be “back”. That can be a first experience with them of not having full access to you and getting them used to these periods of time that will happen during medical training.

 

[8YearsLate]

If you really need to buckle down for a concrete period of time like 2-3 months for the MCAT, it might help to just send out a mass message to family and friends saying that you will be unavailable for these two months for the MCAT and that you will plan to celebrate with them afterwards, that you appreciate their support and give them a date when you’ll be “back”. That can be a first experience with them of not having full access to you and getting them used to these periods of time that will happen during medical training.

Yeah this is a good idea, I thought about setting up a custom voicemail like that. Thanks!

 

[8YearsLate]

Mom guilt is real, and all of us non-trad moms trying to make this happen feel it too. I'm a mom of five, matriculating this fall after a 15 year break from college. I have to tell myself quite often that my dream matter too, I'm not just here to help others achieve their goals. Good luck, and know that you've got a crew of moms here rooting for you!

Thank you! Always nice to hear these stories, very inspiring.

 

[8YearsLate]

You've gotten tons of excellent advice on how to create those pockets of time, incorporate kids, keep in touch with folks, etc. I completely agree with all of it and used most of it myself too.

One last piece I'd add to the mix is to give yourself time. If you plan to take the MCAT this summer and you find that with all of these pulls on your time, you're just not ready...let yourself postpone and take it when you are. If you want 20 hours of study per week, but with all the push and pull you only get 10, let yourself have that time back by just pushing out your MCAT date.

Once my postbacc at night ended, we stopped using a nanny and I got pulled right back into all the after-school chaos (full time work, 3 kids 7, 9, 13 at that time). I had super concrete plans, (formally listed on the family calendar!) for how to fit in my study time...but then my daughter made the all-star team, and then the scout leader had a stroke, and then...life happens. So postponed my MCAT, applied a year later...and I got in!

So, give yourself some time

Yes, this is true...I'm going to see what my practice scores look like and I have time-frames in mind for how far to push off depending on where I land. Thank you!