Oct 3, 2014
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Medical Student
Hello everyone,

I was wondering if anyone here could relate to what I'm going through. I'm expecting most will not be able to and will consider me hopelessly depressed, hopelessly negative, or just hopeless. But maybe someone here will read what I have written and feel that it resonates with them. Maybe someone here has walked in my shoes and has a story of hope and redemption. I'm really struggling. I guess I just need some advice on how I can get through these next few months and function well so that I don't bomb step 1.

Background:
I have no family. My dad left when I was 14. My already bipolar mom had a complete breakdown and moved back to her home country.

I lost the only girl I've ever cared for, who was also my best friend. I was hurt when she wanted to take some time off but I was devastated when she got back together with her ex a month later and unfriended me on facebook. I guess what hurts the most is that it was a really civil break up. I told her I was very fond of her, she told me she needed some time and space, and I gave it to her. In fact, I haven't seen or talked to her since we decided to take some time off. Just like that, she's no longer in my life. This person with whom I thought I would always have a friendship is gone forever. I never thought an unfriending on facebook would hurt so much.

I also lost the only community that I've ever been a part of. I used to go to her church. She invited me to come with her when I first met her years ago. Over the years, they became a support structure for me that I've never had in my life. Christians can be impossibly kind, generous, and welcoming. I felt like the luckiest guy in the world to have such a great friend who would give me this family.

I have many regrets. I wish we had never dated and had remained friends. Even if we had dated, I wish I had never told her how much I cared for her. I should have simply said that I understood when she wanted some time off. I wish I had gotten more involved in my class instead of isolating myself from everyone. I wish I had just continued going to church when she unfriended me and acted like it was no big deal...but then again, I was embarrassed and hurt. What made me feel so much worse was the fact that no one reached out to me. Part of me believed that this community which had embraced me and had gotten to know me over the years would be concerned for me knowing that I was hurting and that they were the only family that I had. But in the end, I realize that Christian community, or "fellowship" is just an illusion. . It felt nice to be accepted. To feel like people cared about you. When I was a newcomer, I received so many encouragement cards. It was a bit corny, but it was really nice. After the break-up, not one lol. It was always her church, her family, and I was just a visitor.

Last Christmas was the worst day of my life. I've never had anywhere to go, but that's okay. I had always sent out texts or called close friends during the holidays to wish them a merry christmas. In my depressed state, I decided not to. Instead, I watched movies all of Christmas Eve and Christmas with my phone nearby. I looked forward to at least hearing from my friends. In the back of my mind, I thought there was a small possibility that she might call. Perhaps even her mom or her dad... just to see how I'm doing. As I waited and waited, I felt a sadness in my heart that is hard to convey. A realization of my true worth to the world. I received not one phone call, text, or email. Not even my 3 closest friends for whom I had been a groomsman in their weddings.

In my sadness, I slowly began to pull away from my med school class. I stopped showing up to class and spent the majority of my time by myself. Christmas had really made it hit home for me. Sometimes, I'd feel a glimmer of hope. Maybe it was a fluke. Maybe it had just been a particularly busy and hectic Christmas for my friends and the people I had once been close with at church. To some extent I felt some hope that my perception was just distorted by my growing depression. So on my birthday, I was hopeful. I went on with my day like it was any other. Every now and then phantom vibrations in my pocket would play with my emotions. Not wanting to deal with my depressed thoughts, I decided to skip the day by taking some sleeping pills and passed out. I woke up in the middle of the night to the familiar double buzz of my iphone, alerting me of an incoming text. Although I was groggy, I can still remember how badly I wanted to see her name as I reached for my glowing phone in the dark. But it was nothing. Just good ol' Verizon wireless letting me know that my automatic payment had been applied to my account.

My experience in the last year has shown me a fuller meaning of being poor. When I drive around looking for food to eat during the holidays, I see people just like me at the 7-11's and the Wal-Marts. Sure they may not have the luxury of a paying for things with their future self's income (at 6.8% interest compounded annually). But being poor is more than just a lack of financial means. It's having nowhere to go. It's having nothing that the world values. Nobody gives a **** about you. I can become a doctor one day, work my ass off, and maybe if I work hard enough, maybe I can become a hotshot like her father. But nobody will care.


This is way longer than I intended. I apologize if you're sitting there thinking wtf did I just read. Sounds like a bunch of whining. I guess I share this with you because I feel pretty bad right now and I was wondering if anyone else feels like this sometimes. Med school is tough enough. It's harder when you have nowhere to go and no one to talk to. Does anyone else have absolutely no one in their life? If so, how do you power through and get things done?
 

DermViser

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4 years of medical school can be a very isolating experience. You'll go thru a lot of experiences that only you will go thru that only your classmates will understand, regardless of whether you have a good support system or not. This is all the more reason NOT to isolate yourself from your class. Those who do this early on, find med school to be even harder of what can already be a stressful experience. I think that's a lot of times what is so frustrating for people. You feel like you're in an enclosed bubble and it's hard to articulate it to anyone outside of medicine, who naturally will not understand. If you go to a school, in which you get course packs and everything is recorded, it becomes even easier to completely isolate yourself in the first 2 years.

I really think you should talk to a psychiatrist or psychologist to work things out and find better methods of coping. You mentioned the part of skipping a day and swallowing sleeping pills so you don't have to deal with your depressed thoughts. This isn't really a good way to deal with things in the long term.

Oh, and forget the girl - there are many fish in the sea, and you'll find someone else you have much more in common with (a lot of times in med school -lol- all the more reason not to isolate yourself).
 
Sep 26, 2014
31
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Medical Student
I understand exactly what you meant about your girlfriend breaking up with you. It happened to me as well sometime ago, around 2009, when my gf broke up talking about needing time for herself and then a month later she was already dating another guy. From my experience, what exactly happens is that sometimes you'll simply feel down and depressed and so needy of her and then maybe even on the same day you'll feel like "Oh, she didn't deserve me anyway / I don't need her / After all she wasn't that impressive". With time you'll end up forgetting her and those depressive moments will happen less and less often.

But what I don't understand is you mentioning three friends of yours not caring about you even though you were a groomsman in their weddings. Maybe since that event, you guys haven't been as close as you used to be? (I can understand that with marriage, work and having children, old friends tend to have less time for their friendships) My advice for you is trying to get in touch with those friends of yours, and see if they are still interested in being around you, and maybe if you feel comfortable enough, you might even talk about your feelings right now. If they are really your friends, it's pretty sure that they'll be worried about the situation.

My advice for you is that you should try to study hard and be really successful in medical school and then on the USMLE, those preparations will keep you busy enough to think about the girl or anything else actually. Another good thing to do is trying to get closer to people you meet every day, possibly your classmates in medical school, making new friends is surely helpful in that situation I guess.
 
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Arkangeloid

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With all due respect to my peers, I don't think they've quite gone through what we have. They are successful residents in their chosen specialties (and consequently were very successful medical students), and I think they cannot give a firsthand perspective about what we need to do in this situation.

Tbh, I think hiding from the world and just studying a bunch is what we need to do in this situation.

Srsly, see a psychiatrist though.
 

SouthernSurgeon

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With all due respect to my peers, I don't think they've quite gone through what we have. They are successful residents in their chosen specialties (and consequently were very successful medical students), and I think they cannot give a firsthand perspective about what we need to do in this situation.

Tbh, I think hiding from the world and just studying a bunch is what we need to do in this situation.

Srsly, see a psychiatrist though.
Because I've experienced loss, loneliness, and depression on a scale you can't even wrap your brain around, but come through it successful and happy, I'm less qualified to give advice on the matter?

Don't turn this thread into episode 397 of the ark pity show.
 

Arkangeloid

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Because I've experienced loss, loneliness, and depression on a scale you can't even wrap your brain around, but come through it successful and happy, I'm less qualified to give advice on the matter?

Don't turn this thread into episode 397 of the ark pity show.
Out of respect for the OP, I will not discuss my situation here.

But here's the way I think about it: we have somebody who is already struggling with his life. Obviously, social interaction was not his default course of action, otherwise he wouldn't be in this situation. So do you want him to take even more time and energy out of his schedule and spend it on social interaction?
 

DermViser

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With all due respect to my peers, I don't think they've quite gone through what we have. They are successful residents in their chosen specialties (and consequently were very successful medical students), and I think they cannot give a firsthand perspective about what we need to do in this situation.

Tbh, I think hiding from the world and just studying a bunch is what we need to do in this situation.

Srsly, see a psychiatrist though.
You think people who end up successfully matching into their chosen specialties don't have depression? You really think the grades on an official transcript make people deliriously happy and make up for everything else? Do you realize that the 2 Internal Medicine interns who committed suicide, one at Columbia (went to NYU for med school) and one at Cornell (who went to Indiana University for med school) were both AOA members, the latter being Junior AOA? Are you seriously going to say that those people had no right to be depressed bc their grades placed them at the top of their class?

Your advice of isolating oneself, "hiding from the world" and locking yourself in your room and studying 24/7 is not the answer.
 

DermViser

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Out of respect for the OP, I will not discuss my situation here.

But here's the way I think about it: we have somebody who is already struggling with his life. Obviously, social interaction was not his default course of action, otherwise he wouldn't be in this situation. So do you want him to take even more time and energy out of his schedule and spend it on social interaction?
You realize that isolating yourself from others is a risk factor for depression, right?

Just bc it's not one's default course of action, doesn't mean it is the wrong course of action.
 
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SouthernSurgeon

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But here's the way I think about it: we have somebody who is already struggling with his life. Obviously, social interaction was not his default course of action, otherwise he wouldn't be in this situation. So do you want him to take even more time and energy out of his schedule and spend it on social interaction?
It has been well established that your way of thinking about things is rarely generalizable to others.

What I see is someone who is so longing for human interaction and support that they are suffering worsening depression, with evidence already of some risky/concerning behaviors stemming from this isolation (sleeping pill abuse).

So yes, I do think that taking time and energy for human interaction is important.
 

Señor S

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What about joining a new church? Seems crazy to write the whole thing off after one bad experience.
 

SplenoMegastar

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I, too, lost the support of my parents at a young age (the first one left at 10, the other stopped getting out of bed around 15 and I was emancipated by the court some time after). I can relate very well to having nowhere to go on holidays. I had a boyfriend during college who I spent time with on holidays, and when that relationship ended senior year, I spent several med school holidays alone. It is worse than just standard loneliness, I suppose, but you're essentially not going to find many people who are orphans in med school and that is just fine. I agree about getting a psychologist/psychiatrist. If your school has a counselor, you should probably be seen at least twice a week for now. You should also look out for people who may have also had a hard time. People who have divorced parents have always been remarkably understanding of what I went through, even though their situation wasn't the same. Please don't fall into the trap of who has had it worse, because it's easy to do when you have had a rough life, but we all process things differently, and it's important to have friends who have navigated family problems successfully. Keep in mind that a lot of people who "had it as bad as you" may not be easy to find or any better to talk to. You don't strike me as someone who would have this problem necessarily (you seem very sweet and not competitive in that odd way) but I mention it just in case.

You can do it! As others have said, don't isolate yourself. You'll feel better if you don't. I took that advice and I'm now married and a mom with a beautiful, loving, supportive extended family. You can come to my house for Christmas if someone in your class doesn't invite you first (and they will). I'm not even joking!

EDIT: I don't mean to imply that being married and a mom is any kind of holy grail or should be anyone else's endgame. All I meant is that it was what I wanted and it's something I'm happy about.
 
OP
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Thanks for the kind words.

Truth be told, I came back to see if I could delete this thread and was surprised that the contributions to this thread were what they were.
 

Microshaft

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if you're a med student how are u hopeless
ur in like one of the best positions to succeed
 
OP
S
Oct 3, 2014
21
0
Status
Medical Student
4 years of medical school can be a very isolating experience. You'll go thru a lot of experiences that only you will go thru that only your classmates will understand, regardless of whether you have a good support system or not. This is all the more reason NOT to isolate yourself from your class. Those who do this early on, find med school to be even harder of what can already be a stressful experience. I think that's a lot of times what is so frustrating for people. You feel like you're in an enclosed bubble and it's hard to articulate it to anyone outside of medicine, who naturally will not understand. If you go to a school, in which you get course packs and everything is recorded, it becomes even easier to completely isolate yourself in the first 2 years.

I really think you should talk to a psychiatrist or psychologist to work things out and find better methods of coping. You mentioned the part of skipping a day and swallowing sleeping pills so you don't have to deal with your depressed thoughts. This isn't really a good way to deal with things in the long term.

Oh, and forget the girl - there are many fish in the sea, and you'll find someone else you have much more in common with (a lot of times in med school -lol- all the more reason not to isolate yourself).
I went to see the school counselor shortly after we broke up. After 3 sessions, she kindly suggested that I take some time to sort things out on my own. She did give up on me but in her defense I was being pretty difficult. I couldn't open up because as soon as I'd try to talk about it, I could feel these terrible emotions bubbling up and a sharp knot in my throat. I just didn't want to cry in front of her so I just sat there staring at the ground giving one word responses.

After that experience, I decided that I'd give myself some more time. But it's been a year now and it's gotten worse. So I scheduled an appointment last month with a psychiatrist. But the earliest they had available was the last week of October. So I'm waiting for that.

Also, it's hard to forget her. I've never had much success with women and she was my best friend. Even though she broke my heart, the fact that she even considered befriending me amazes me to this day. And to top it off, to then decide to date me despite me being shorter, so much less attractive, of a different race, and completely broke...that makes her the kindest girl that I've ever met. I remember when she posted our first picture together on fb. All her posts usually get an abundance of likes. I think we got like 4. And they were all my friends lol. Then when she got back together with her ex and posted a picture, they got like 100 likes. Her friends were so happy for her. And even I admit they looked great together. He's a really good looking dude, no homo. Even the nicest girl can't help but succumb to societal pressures. When it comes to girls, it's just not in the cards for me. I'm learning to accept that.
 

DermViser

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Also, it's hard to forget her. I've never had much success with women and she was my best friend. Even though she broke my heart, the fact that she even considered befriending me amazes me to this day. And to top it off, to then decide to date me despite me being shorter, so much less attractive, of a different race, and completely broke...that makes her the kindest girl that I've ever met. I remember when she posted our first picture together on fb. All her posts usually get an abundance of likes. I think we got like 4. And they were all my friends lol. Then when she got back together with her ex and posted a picture, they got like 100 likes. Her friends were so happy for her. And even I admit they looked great together. He's a really good looking dude, no homo. Even the nicest girl can't help but succumb to societal pressures. When it comes to girls, it's just not in the cards for me. I'm learning to accept that.
Ark is that you?
 
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OP
S
Oct 3, 2014
21
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Oy...diving into this one.

First and foremost, you need to see a mental health professional asap.

Now that that is said, here is my stream of conscious ramble back.

You are making the classic mistake of lonely people...isolating yourself more and more, and then getting more and more down about how lonely you are. It's kind of analogous to my borderline PD friend who never tells anyone her birthday, then gets mad every year when no one throws her a birthday party. You are isolating yourself from anyone who possibly could help, while pinning more and more unrealistic hopes on those who are definitely not going to contact you (your ex, her parents).

Next, the relationship thing. I don't often bring it up on this site, but I got married (too) young, and got a divorce during the fourth year of med school. Was still finalizing the divorce when I started intern year. I bring this up because I know both bad breakups, and what it is like to lose a community - both the literal med school community which I was moving away from after four years, and the metaphorical community of my previous friend group as a couple. The former couldn't really be helped; the latter however I contributed to. I internalized what was going on, not wanting to talk about it out of a sense of failure, guilt, blame, whatever. And I lost friends as a result. I've tried reconnecting with them years later, but there is a distance there now which didn't used to be and it saddens me.

But what I learned from this loss, was that I couldn't just internalize and isolate myself. I had to make a deliberate effort to throw myself into friendships, some of them brand new. I had to let those around me in the workplace know what was going on. These things were all the last thing I felt like doing at the time. But I forced myself to. And after a while, you'll catch yourself actually having fun. It may just be for a moment or a dinner or a night. But those moments will get more frequent as you develop new connections. No one is going to come along and magically rescue you from feelings of loneliness or isolation. The way (or at least what worked for me) out is to actively seek connections yourself.

My experience ended up being a somewhat transformative one for me as a person. I think I'm more mature, more emotionally aware (of myself and others), and more open than I used to be.

Now, that said, please please get help.
Thank you so much for sharing. I can't imagine what you must have gone through. I think that if I had somehow married someone that I loved and it didn't work out, I'd have to take a year off or something. I'd probably try heroine or something for the heartache. I've heard good things. Thanks again for sharing. Reading this helped because it sounds like you've really moved on and are doing well.

I tried going out a few times shortly after the break up. It was hard and even though I tried to be like my normal self pre-breakup, I felt like I was draining the energy out of other people.

Another thing that makes it more difficult to reintegrate into my class is that I'm always behind. I sleep so much and I have to catch up on weekends. But I'm consistently a week behind, so if I ever go to class or show up for group stuff, I look like a moron. Our first block had a bunch of attendance required stuff, and everyone hated working with me. To make things worse, I just sat there like a zombie because I didn't give a ****. I'm not proud of it and I feel a lot of guilt about not being able to manage my emotions. It was very unprofessional. But I tell you this to give you an idea of my uphill battle. I've already lost the respect of my peers. I have no solutions for earning back their trust and respect. My plan was to disappear until 3rd year and hope that they forget about how useless I was in first year.
 
OP
S
Oct 3, 2014
21
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What about joining a new church? Seems crazy to write the whole thing off after one bad experience.
I tried. There are like 500 churches around here and I was shopping around like crazy for a few months. I was really looking for a rebound lol. Turns out, the only reason I was welcomed at her church and was given such a warm reception was because I was with her. She and her family are superstars there and everyone loves them. Of course they wanted to know who her new friend was. At these other churches, other than a few curt greetings, no one really acknowledged me. If a new family comes to a church, I noticed that people are way more interested in getting to know them. Single, ethnic kid sitting by himself... forget about it. Maybe a polite nod if they accidentally make eye contact. Sometimes I don't think I belong in the bible belt.
 
OP
S
Oct 3, 2014
21
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Medical Student
Ark is that you?
Uh oh. Does Ark have girl issues too? I'll try to keep my "life if so unfair for guy's with my physical attributes"-type posts to a minimum. No one wants to hear that. I should know better.
 
OP
S
Oct 3, 2014
21
0
Status
Medical Student
I, too, lost the support of my parents at a young age (the first one left at 10, the other stopped getting out of bed around 15 and I was emancipated by the court some time after). I can relate very well to having nowhere to go on holidays. I had a boyfriend during college who I spent time with on holidays, and when that relationship ended senior year, I spent several med school holidays alone. It is worse than just standard loneliness, I suppose, but you're essentially not going to find many people who are orphans in med school and that is just fine. I agree about getting a psychologist/psychiatrist. If your school has a counselor, you should probably be seen at least twice a week for now. You should also look out for people who may have also had a hard time. People who have divorced parents have always been remarkably understanding of what I went through, even though their situation wasn't the same. Please don't fall into the trap of who has had it worse, because it's easy to do when you have had a rough life, but we all process things differently, and it's important to have friends who have navigated family problems successfully. Keep in mind that a lot of people who "had it as bad as you" may not be easy to find or any better to talk to. You don't strike me as someone who would have this problem necessarily (you seem very sweet and not competitive in that odd way) but I mention it just in case.

You can do it! As others have said, don't isolate yourself. You'll feel better if you don't. I took that advice and I'm now married and a mom with a beautiful, loving, supportive extended family. You can come to my house for Christmas if someone in your class doesn't invite you first (and they will). I'm not even joking!

EDIT: I don't mean to imply that being married and a mom is any kind of holy grail or should be anyone else's endgame. All I meant is that it was what I wanted and it's something I'm happy about.
Your post is exactly what I was hoping for. You did it. You have a new family. You're not alone anymore.
 

SouthernSurgeon

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Thank you so much for sharing. I can't imagine what you must have gone through. I think that if I had somehow married someone that I loved and it didn't work out, I'd have to take a year off or something. I'd probably try heroine or something for the heartache. I've heard good things. Thanks again for sharing. Reading this helped because it sounds like you've really moved on and are doing well.

I tried going out a few times shortly after the break up. It was hard and even though I tried to be like my normal self pre-breakup, I felt like I was draining the energy out of other people.

Another thing that makes it more difficult to reintegrate into my class is that I'm always behind. I sleep so much and I have to catch up on weekends. But I'm consistently a week behind, so if I ever go to class or show up for group stuff, I look like a moron. Our first block had a bunch of attendance required stuff, and everyone hated working with me. To make things worse, I just sat there like a zombie because I didn't give a ****. I'm not proud of it and I feel a lot of guilt about not being able to manage my emotions. It was very unprofessional. But I tell you this to give you an idea of my uphill battle. I've already lost the respect of my peers. I have no solutions for earning back their trust and respect. My plan was to disappear until 3rd year and hope that they forget about how useless I was in first year.
All of the things you are saying point to major clinical depression. I am glad you are seeing a psychiatrist this month.

I also think you should consider a psychologist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy. You seem to have some very destructive patterns of thinking that need to be addressed. But it takes two to tango - therapy isn't an effective option if you aren't actively participating.

(/end of my armchair psychiatry for the day)
 

Hemorrage

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One of the most important concepts you have to come to terms with as you get older is that you're born alone and you die alone. It sounds depressing, but in many ways, if you embrace this simple principle, you're life can be much less stressful and a lot more fulfilling. This life, whatever it means, is a journey. Everyone in it, your friends, girlfriends, ex-girlfriends, wives, parents, siblings, etc, are all travelers that take the plane ride with you. Everyone has different stops and connections to make. Some don't know exactly where they're headed or how to get where they think they should go but decisions are made and often harsh words are often uttered but the simple reality remains and that is that this is a journey. This seemingly important individual that played an important part in your journey up to this point was important- and this goes both ways, you were important to them too. Whether they will acknowledge this to you anymore is irrelevant. Because of this, they've had an impact on you. There are memories of the fun times, the laughs, the stupidity, the warmth and finally, the rage- but that's all a part of being human. You feel. So its possible that none of this may have made you feel any better, and i understand if you feel that way, but in time you'll come to realize this for yourself. You have a whole life in front of you. A whole journey full of new sunrises, new sunsets, new things to do, new places to be, and most importantly, new people to meet. As with everything, keep trying. Nothing comes easy. Go talk to the cute girl at the bus stop on the way to school, whats the worst that could happen? She might think you're creepy and walk off, or she might think you're cute and give you her number. If the former happens, she'll forget about you in a day or two, and if the latter happens, you might just have a new traveler to travel with. Hope you feel better.

PS: this video always brings me back to the essentials
 

DermViser

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Thanks for the kind words.

Truth be told, I came back to see if I could delete this thread and was surprised that the contributions to this thread were what they were.
It takes a sick person to make fun of a person's depression, anxiety, etc. when it's so prevalent in the medical profession to begin with. I don't think that happens here as a rule.
 
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Snoopy2006

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I have nothing to add on top of the excellent contributions to this thread, other than I'm rooting for you.

Please make sure you follow through with that psychiatrist appointment. I really think it will help. SDN can be a harsh place but I think the vast majority of people here understand what you're going through and are pulling for you.
 
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Hang in there! Medical school can be quite isolating as we may be busy with the work... so busy that we don't realize how isolated we've become as life throws its hurdles at us. Although I am not in your situation, I too have struggled with feelings of loneliness. I guess I just wanted to contribute to the thread so that you know you're not alone in feeling that way as a medical student dealing with some pretty difficult life circumstances.
 

touchpause13

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I got nothing helpful to add. But it's great that you made the appointment, that's not easy. I hope it is helpful for you. Depression is a horrible disease and I can see you are struggling. Best wishes
 
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FIREitUP

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I went to see the school counselor shortly after we broke up. After 3 sessions, she kindly suggested that I take some time to sort things out on my own. She did give up on me but in her defense I was being pretty difficult. I couldn't open up because as soon as I'd try to talk about it, I could feel these terrible emotions bubbling up and a sharp knot in my throat. I just didn't want to cry in front of her so I just sat there staring at the ground giving one word responses.

After that experience, I decided that I'd give myself some more time. But it's been a year now and it's gotten worse. So I scheduled an appointment last month with a psychiatrist. But the earliest they had available was the last week of October. So I'm waiting for that.

Also, it's hard to forget her. I've never had much success with women and she was my best friend. Even though she broke my heart, the fact that she even considered befriending me amazes me to this day. And to top it off, to then decide to date me despite me being shorter, so much less attractive, of a different race, and completely broke...that makes her the kindest girl that I've ever met. I remember when she posted our first picture together on fb. All her posts usually get an abundance of likes. I think we got like 4. And they were all my friends lol. Then when she got back together with her ex and posted a picture, they got like 100 likes. Her friends were so happy for her. And even I admit they looked great together. He's a really good looking dude, no homo. Even the nicest girl can't help but succumb to societal pressures. When it comes to girls, it's just not in the cards for me. I'm learning to accept that.
that's the kind of thinking is chick repellent. actually, it's just repellent in general; no one wants to hear it. the fact that you have these thoughts of inferiority could be a result of your current affect or it could contribute to it (or both).
 

DermViser

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i know u r in lot of debt n med school sucks
but id rather be crying as a med student than some guy on the street nom sayin
Ark, is that you?
 
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Señor S

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I tried. There are like 500 churches around here and I was shopping around like crazy for a few months. I was really looking for a rebound lol. Turns out, the only reason I was welcomed at her church and was given such a warm reception was because I was with her. She and her family are superstars there and everyone loves them. Of course they wanted to know who her new friend was. At these other churches, other than a few curt greetings, no one really acknowledged me. If a new family comes to a church, I noticed that people are way more interested in getting to know them. Single, ethnic kid sitting by himself... forget about it. Maybe a polite nod if they accidentally make eye contact. Sometimes I don't think I belong in the bible belt.
I can't argue with your experience, but does your school have a Christian medical students group? Also, just because people initially give you the cold shoulder doesn't necessarily mean they don't like you; sometimes it takes a little while to warm up to the new guy.
 
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cbrons

Ratatoskr! *Roar*
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I can't argue with your experience, but does your school have a Christian medical students group? Also, just because people initially give you the cold shoulder doesn't necessarily mean they don't like you; sometimes it takes a little while to warm up to the new guy.
Agreed, don't write-off church. I met my wife in church, incidentally. And it was a church neither of us were members at (some 20s group). Maybe try a few more places, you might be surprised, esp if there is a Harvest bible chapel or something similar near you.

But anyway I just feel very sorry for you because I have a very good idea of what it is like to live with depression, though not exactly in the same circumstances as you. Just know someday that you will be a better father to your children than your dad was to you, and try to use that as an inner fire to to look more on his leaving you as an example of what not to do to your future family rather than something that needs to negatively define you the rest of your life.

Also med school is very, very hard when you have mental health issues going on in the background. I find I really love studying the things I do and I'm one of those people who can study for 8 hours a day just because its the most personally satisfying activity I can think of engaging myself in. That being said, I even had to a take a year-long leave of absence when my own mental health issues became a problem because they can really dampen any sort of enthusiasm you have for the curriculum. I can only imagine being one of those people who is lukewarm on studying medicine even in good health, stuff must become literally unbearable for them in similar circumstances.
 
Jul 17, 2013
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With all due respect to my peers, I don't think they've quite gone through what we have. They are successful residents in their chosen specialties (and consequently were very successful medical students), and I think they cannot give a firsthand perspective about what we need to do in this situation.

Tbh, I think hiding from the world and just studying a bunch is what we need to do in this situation.

Srsly, see a psychiatrist though.
I was on the fence, but now I'm convinced you're a troll. You're outed.
 
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Apr 28, 2010
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All good advice here. I think everyone can relate to what you're going through...and if the future you could talk right now he'd something like...
1) forget that b1tch, she wasn't worth it
2) I wish I had more fun and enjoyed my med school years
3) I wasted time moping
4) I found someone much more compatible

Nip this depression in the bud now so you don't get comfortably melancholic. Just pretending to be happy and laughing may help.
 
OP
S
Oct 3, 2014
21
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Medical Student
One of the most important concepts you have to come to terms with as you get older is that you're born alone and you die alone. It sounds depressing, but in many ways, if you embrace this simple principle, you're life can be much less stressful and a lot more fulfilling. This life, whatever it means, is a journey. Everyone in it, your friends, girlfriends, ex-girlfriends, wives, parents, siblings, etc, are all travelers that take the plane ride with you. Everyone has different stops and connections to make. Some don't know exactly where they're headed or how to get where they think they should go but decisions are made and often harsh words are often uttered but the simple reality remains and that is that this is a journey. This seemingly important individual that played an important part in your journey up to this point was important- and this goes both ways, you were important to them too. Whether they will acknowledge this to you anymore is irrelevant. Because of this, they've had an impact on you. There are memories of the fun times, the laughs, the stupidity, the warmth and finally, the rage- but that's all a part of being human. You feel. So its possible that none of this may have made you feel any better, and i understand if you feel that way, but in time you'll come to realize this for yourself. You have a whole life in front of you. A whole journey full of new sunrises, new sunsets, new things to do, new places to be, and most importantly, new people to meet. As with everything, keep trying. Nothing comes easy. Go talk to the cute girl at the bus stop on the way to school, whats the worst that could happen? She might think you're creepy and walk off, or she might think you're cute and give you her number. If the former happens, she'll forget about you in a day or two, and if the latter happens, you might just have a new traveler to travel with. Hope you feel better.

PS: this video always brings me back to the essentials
The plane ride analogy really resonated with me. I wonder if most people think this way, and it's why they can deal with loss better than me.

When I finally realized that my relationship with her, her family, and her church was really over forever, it made me so sad. It takes years to cultivate meaningful relationships and for me it seems like such a waste when those relationships inevitably fade. I even chose the med school in town over another school because I wanted to maintain those relationships. They were family. Maybe the problem is with me. I should have moved on.

I'll try to use the plane analogy as a paradigm for my life from now on. You're right, it is kind of depressing. But at least it'll help me fight through the tougher days. Holidays will always be tough, but I'll try to find something to do when Thanksgiving and Christmas comes around.
 
OP
S
Oct 3, 2014
21
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Medical Student
that's the kind of thinking is chick repellent. actually, it's just repellent in general; no one wants to hear it. the fact that you have these thoughts of inferiority could be a result of your current affect or it could contribute to it (or both).
I am in complete agreement that what I said earlier should never be said in real life. It does repel people from you. And to be clear, I don't say these things out loud.

But at least in a place like this, why can't we just agree on what we all know to be true. Life is exceptionally hard for people with certain physical attributes. I'm short and I'm not good looking. It is what it is. I tried online dating and tinder. I was curious. I know I'm unattractive. But how unattractive? I swiped right for over 40,000 girls, and yes I actually counted. 60 people found me acceptable. Almost all were overweight to the point of being very unhealthy. I know I'm not supposed to focus on the negative, but why is it so bad that I accept that I'm fighting an uphill battle. That I've been dealt a very poor hand in life.

Someone reading my statement above might say I'm just throwing a pity party for myself. It sounds like a typical statement coming from someone still pining for their ex. But I disagree. I'm not saying that she's the only person in world for me or that she the best and greatest ever. I'm saying I was really lucky. Even though my shortcomings were still too much in the end, she did go out with me. I think it takes a special person to go against what society finds acceptable. She was special. I am not a physically desirable man and I accept that. I know if I'm confident enough, ambitious enough, funny enough, and charismatic enough maybe I can get lucky again. If I keep trying, there is hope. And I will keep trying one day. I'm just really tired right now.
 
OP
S
Oct 3, 2014
21
0
Status
Medical Student
Agreed, don't write-off church. I met my wife in church, incidentally. And it was a church neither of us were members at (some 20s group). Maybe try a few more places, you might be surprised, esp if there is a Harvest bible chapel or something similar near you.

But anyway I just feel very sorry for you because I have a very good idea of what it is like to live with depression, though not exactly in the same circumstances as you. Just know someday that you will be a better father to your children than your dad was to you, and try to use that as an inner fire to to look more on his leaving you as an example of what not to do to your future family rather than something that needs to negatively define you the rest of your life.

Also med school is very, very hard when you have mental health issues going on in the background. I find I really love studying the things I do and I'm one of those people who can study for 8 hours a day just because its the most personally satisfying activity I can think of engaging myself in. That being said, I even had to a take a year-long leave of absence when my own mental health issues became a problem because they can really dampen any sort of enthusiasm you have for the curriculum. I can only imagine being one of those people who is lukewarm on studying medicine even in good health, stuff must become literally unbearable for them in similar circumstances.
I wish I could still believe, but my faith is pretty much gone. I wish I could be like I used to be and live life with conviction. But it's just not there anymore. Maybe I've been watching too much Bill Maher.
 
Sep 26, 2014
31
9
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Medical Student
I am in complete agreement that what I said earlier should never be said in real life. It does repel people from you. And to be clear, I don't say these things out loud.

But at least in a place like this, why can't we just agree on what we all know to be true. Life is exceptionally hard for people with certain physical attributes. I'm short and I'm not good looking. It is what it is. I tried online dating and tinder. I was curious. I know I'm unattractive. But how unattractive? I swiped right for over 40,000 girls, and yes I actually counted. 60 people found me acceptable. Almost all were overweight to the point of being very unhealthy. I know I'm not supposed to focus on the negative, but why is it so bad that I accept that I'm fighting an uphill battle. That I've been dealt a very poor hand in life.

Someone reading my statement above might say I'm just throwing a pity party for myself. It sounds like a typical statement coming from someone still pining for their ex. But I disagree. I'm not saying that she's the only person in world for me or that she the best and greatest ever. I'm saying I was really lucky. Even though my shortcomings were still too much in the end, she did go out with me. I think it takes a special person to go against what society finds acceptable. She was special. I am not a physically desirable man and I accept that. I know if I'm confident enough, ambitious enough, funny enough, and charismatic enough maybe I can get lucky again. If I keep trying, there is hope. And I will keep trying one day. I'm just really tired right now.
Well, one thing I can tell you about girls is that they care much less for looks than men when seeking a partner and getting in love with the person. So, as you mentioned in the end, if you have other qualities and she has a good time with you when you go out, it doesn't really matter what you look like, she is still going to find you interesting
 

FIREitUP

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Jul 31, 2007
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I am in complete agreement that what I said earlier should never be said in real life. It does repel people from you. And to be clear, I don't say these things out loud.

But at least in a place like this, why can't we just agree on what we all know to be true. Life is exceptionally hard for people with certain physical attributes. I'm short and I'm not good looking. It is what it is. I tried online dating and tinder. I was curious. I know I'm unattractive. But how unattractive? I swiped right for over 40,000 girls, and yes I actually counted. 60 people found me acceptable. Almost all were overweight to the point of being very unhealthy. I know I'm not supposed to focus on the negative, but why is it so bad that I accept that I'm fighting an uphill battle. That I've been dealt a very poor hand in life.

Someone reading my statement above might say I'm just throwing a pity party for myself. It sounds like a typical statement coming from someone still pining for their ex. But I disagree. I'm not saying that she's the only person in world for me or that she the best and greatest ever. I'm saying I was really lucky. Even though my shortcomings were still too much in the end, she did go out with me. I think it takes a special person to go against what society finds acceptable. She was special. I am not a physically desirable man and I accept that. I know if I'm confident enough, ambitious enough, funny enough, and charismatic enough maybe I can get lucky again. If I keep trying, there is hope. And I will keep trying one day. I'm just really tired right now.
I'm saying that these thoughts are poison. You need to reconcile why are you thinking this way and try to find things that you enjoy doing to build your confidence. I can't tell you how many fugly guys I've seen with their arms around gorgeous women. I think the more you believe you deserve something like that, the more others believe it. Fake it until you make it.
 

3rdarmageddon

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Jul 23, 2011
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I guess I'll throw my thoughts out there; granted, my situation is very different. I frequently felt lonely and depressed (still happens a fair amount), and I would fall into the trap of feeling bad about being isolated, isolating myself more, and then feeling even worse. Two things improved my situation.

The first, and probably the most important step because it leads to the second, is taking opportunities as they come to you. If someone invites you to a party/to grab food/anything really and you can make it work, then go and be enthusiastic about going. This is easier and more effective if you let people know ahead of time that you're interested in doing things with them (eg. you're part of a conversation about great burgers, put it out there that you want to grab burgers with them some time). This will help you to meet people, feel in control of your life, and give you the option to try new things and expand your range of comfort (eg. sky diving is a good one).

The second is talking openly with the people that you meet so that you foster deeper, more supportive relationships. This is significantly harder and something that I am and probably will always continue to work on. Of course, not everyone will be suited to being in this kind of relationship, so recognizing when that is the case and not fretting over it is important. However the relationships that do make it this far will be the key points of evidence that can pull you out of a depressive spiral by contradicting the fact that people don't care about you.

I hope this helps, and that you find something that works for you.
 
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FIREitUP

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Jul 31, 2007
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I guess I'll throw my thoughts out there; granted, my situation is very different. I frequently felt lonely and depressed (still happens a fair amount), and I would fall into the trap of feeling bad about being isolated, isolating myself more, and then feeling even worse. Two things improved my situation.

The first, and probably the most important step because it leads to the second, is taking opportunities as they come to you. If someone invites you to a party/to grab food/anything really and you can make it work, then go and be enthusiastic about going. This is easier and more effective if you let people know ahead of time that you're interested in doing things with them (eg. you're part of a conversation about great burgers, put it out there that you want to grab burgers with them some time). This will help you to meet people, feel in control of your life, and give you the option to try new things and expand your range of comfort (eg. sky diving is a good one).

The second is talking openly with the people that you meet so that you foster deeper, more supportive relationships. This is significantly harder and something that I am and probably will always continue to work on. Of course, not everyone will be suited to being in this kind of relationship, so recognizing when that is the case and not fretting over it is important. However the relationships that do make it this far will be the key points of evidence that can pull you out of a depressive spiral by contradicting the fact that people don't care about you.

I hope this helps, and that you find something that works for you.
1) agreed that you should seize opportunities as they come.
2) I would be careful in divulging your feelings with people in your school unless you really trust them
 
Oct 3, 2014
2
0
hi,
first of all i dont think you are very depressed, that's a lot to type and you have typed so much, so not bad. And about your symptoms you are undergoing classical stages of grief but i think you are feeling it longer than it is normal. But hey, it happens. It appears that you are an introvert, so you don't have many friends. You should try to make some friends but first buckle up, whenever you feel sad try not to think about her, sounds tough but its possible. Hit the books and focus you got your step 1 coming brother. Best revenge is massive success. Show her what she lost. And whatever happens happens for a good reason. So think of it this way, there is someone much better, more caring more loving, prettier one waiting for you.
 

Doudline

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Aug 17, 2012
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hi,
first of all i dont think you are very depressed, that's a lot to type and you have typed so much, so not bad. And about your symptoms you are undergoing classical stages of grief but i think you are feeling it longer than it is normal. But hey, it happens. It appears that you are an introvert, so you don't have many friends. You should try to make some friends but first buckle up, whenever you feel sad try not to think about her, sounds tough but its possible. Hit the books and focus you got your step 1 coming brother. Best revenge is massive success. Show her what she lost. And whatever happens happens for a good reason. So think of it this way, there is someone much better, more caring more loving, prettier one waiting for you.
What did I just read...