How to deal with family pressuring you to go into a specialty

[tyler_durden]

I felt my blood pressure rise just reading this. Sorry you gotta deal with that ****, OP

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[WindChaser]

Well, it was more of a joke. However, there is a line between wanting whats best for their children and self-fulfillment (sometimes its blurred I'll admit) and I think they just crossed it. Being a doctor is already a stable field, them wanting him to go into a field that is not psychiatry or pathology is them being nit-picky. Sometimes a part of being a parent is knowing when to let go, I have to tell my family that a lot.

Haha I can definitely agree with that. My parents frequently cross the line in telling me what I should and should not do. I know they are only looking out for me, though, since I've ignored their advice many times and they always backpedal their opinions in order to make me happy once I've already gone along a certain path.

From what I see, many strict parents out there will try to dissuade you from doing something they think is a mistake, but once you do so anyways, they will try to support you. It's rare that I see parents stop loving their kids or disowning them over decisions like this (although it definitely happens LOL).

 

[ortnakas]

I started medical school wanting to do psych or path. My fiancée thought I'd grow out of it, and said she'd support me, but recently has told me in no uncertain terms that she will not be married to a psychiatrist or a pathologist. It's not about the money (shes been dropping "hints" that wants me in FM) - it's about the stigma. Psychiatrists are "pill pushers" who "aren't real doctors anyway" and "why would you bust your ass in medical school just to tread depression?" Also, pathologists are "creepy as f**k." She says that these aren't HER opinions, rather that this is "the world we live in." She also says that "psychiatry and pathology are important fields but I just wouldn't be attracted to you anymore." I hate to say it, but she might have a point.

I'm usually on Team Prioritize Your Relationship Over Medical School, but in this case I'm going to make an exception. Alarm bells are going off in my head. It would be one thing if she was against a specialty because of lifestyle (it's probably pretty hard to be married to a surgeon who's on call all the time), but if she won't be attracted to you any more because you're pursuing your passion, that's a bad sign. If you cave and choose something you're not interested in, how do you know she "won't be attracted to you anymore" over other decisions in the future?

I'm not saying dump her, because maybe you can get through this. But I'd pick your favorite specialty and let the chips fall where they may. Your parents will get over it, and if she's really someone you want to be your wife, she will too.

As an aside, I find it odd that you're between one of the most "people person" specialties and one of the least, but won't question you for it. You do you.

 

[Crayola227]

These people have too many opinions. I am not even in this family and I have a headache from all the opining. Tell these people to go somewhere...you know where to tell them to go.

Edit: Also I think they could all benefit from Psychiatry it seems

It all makes sense now, the pieces have come together, it fits that stereotype.

One parent is a psychiatrist (read: crazy)....
OP is surrounded by crazy.....
OP is considering more than one crazy life choice.... (like this fiance, listening to these people, AND going into psychiatry)
OP is meant to be a psychiatrist. Or pathologist.

OP - it is clear to me now that there is a 60% chance you belong in psychiatry, a 40% chance pathology, and a 110% chance you are crazy.

DISCLAIMER: I love psychiatrists, their "craziness," "craziness," and just find both fun and some positive "truths" to some stereotypes

 

[Crayola227]

I have found myself liking a lot of your posts recently. I think we view life through a similar lens. Yes to the above.

aw that's very nice, thank you. I am a slut for likes, likes are SDN love and doughnuts. Thank you.

 

[FourniersGreenGang]

Psychiatry was INVENTED largely by make doctors, what does she mean that it isn't fitting? Besides that dude you're actually really lucky you found out about your fiance before you sign the contract. You should really take a long hard look at your relationship and ask yourself if you have a great one. If you don't make an honest assessment you could find yourself paying some gnarly alimony while you're ex wife bangs the poolboy.

 

[DetectiveAlonzo]

Dump her ass.

Sounds like a whiny, entitled brat that wants superficial ****.

I can already predict what's gonna happen OP.

She dictates what field you go to. Then it's going to be where you will work. Then how many hours you work to support her bull**** shopping habits and spending habits you've bestowed upon her entitled ass. Then she will get lonely... and mad that "you don't have time for me anymore". But how can you when wifey wants that new Persian rug and is calling interior decorators to decorate the house... and the shoes..and purses... and all that dumb ****.

Then the distance will grow... next thing you know she wants to "have a talk" in the kitchen that things are not working out. Her relationship with the kids is starting to develop closer since "daddy never has time for us" and she'll turn their bratty asses against you too.

Boom. Divorce.

Now your ass is stuck paying her half and alimony for the kids that go to expensive private schools that SHE pushed upon them that probably hate your ass too due to the fact they have been brainwashed by mommy.

Your goals will never wake up in the morning and tell you they don't love you anymore.

Man the **** up. Get your **** done homie.

Disregard females, and acquire curren$y.

 

[JB50]

Dump her ass.

Sounds like a whiny, entitled brat that wants superficial ****.

I can already predict what's gonna happen OP.

She dictates what field you go to. Then it's going to be where you will work. Then how many hours you work to support her bull**** shopping habits and spending habits you've bestowed upon her entitled ass. Then she will get lonely... and mad that "you don't have time for me anymore". But how can you when wifey wants that new Persain rug and is calling interior decorators to decorate the house... and the shoes..and purses... and all that dumb ****.

Then the distance will grow... next thing you know she wants to "have a talk" in the kitchen that things are not working out. Her relationship with the kids is starting to develop closer since "daddy never has time for us" and she'll turn their bratty asses against you too.

Boom. Divorce.

Now your ass is stuck paying her half and alimony for the kids that go to expensive private schools that SHE pushed upon them that probably hate your ass too due to the fact they have been brainwashed by mommy.

Your goals will never wake up in the morning and tell you they don't love you anymore.

Man the **** up. Get your **** done homie.

Disregard females, and acquire curren$y.

Dat settlement though.


/lack of empathy

I have found myself liking a lot of your posts recently. I think we view life through a similar lens. Yes to the above.

You sure its not his/her avi bro?

 

[750335]

My family and fiancée have always been supportive of my choices, but recently they've been seriously pressuring me about specialties to consider - and to not consider.

" She also says that "psychiatry and pathology are important fields but I just wouldn't be attracted to you anymore." I hate to say it, but she might have a point.

My mom and dad agree with her - even though my mom is a child psychiatrist. My mother said that psychiatry is an "unfitting" profession for a male doctor and that she would be "a little embarrassed." My dad thinks psychiatry is a really important and vital field... but not for his son. Both my mom and dad think pathology is "for scientists, not for doctors." Neither of them or my fiancée wanted me to go to medical school, but they said "if you're going to medical school, you're going to be a real doctor." Incidentally, none of them see a difference between an MD and a DO, so as a DO I guess small blessings.

What do you do when you love a field, but you also love your family, your fiancée, and take their opinions seriously? The politically correct answer is always gonna be "screw their opinions and follow your dreams," but unfortunately I live in reality, and the opinions of people I love are important to me.

Okay so by they will support you, they mean they will support you conditionally.

"you're going to be a real doctor" lol. What kind of doctor is this fiancee?

Can't believe she actually said she just won't be attracted to you anymore. That has to be the most ridiculous thing I have heard all week. OP, you will have to live with yourself for the rest of your life, not saying you won't be married forever but the former is more certain. I get that their opinion matters but none of it is about you. If she said "I don't think you'd be happy as a psychiatrist" or she thinks the hours would be hard on you or something, I would have been all for it. But read through all their opinions, it is all about them. How your mom will be embarrassed (her son is a psychiatrist/to tell people you are a psychiatrist, and how your fiancee won't be attracted to you anymore).

Who is looking out for you? I agree with the rest, you may want to dump her, life is hard enough without ultimatums. Their issues with your chosen field of study is theirs not yours at all.

This is like my mother saying I should pick a school in a big city so she can shop whenever she visits. As much as I love her, not a valid reason, same applies to you.

 

[Smurfette]

OP, my advice to you, as someone still in the pre-clinical years, is to not get too hung up at this point with what your family wants you to do, or your fiancee. You may end up hating your psych rotation and loving something you didn't expect. Path is not a standard rotation, so you'd have to do an elective to see if you like that--which may end up low on your list anyhow as you get further into med school. Keep an open mind as this 'problem' may end up working itself out on it's own. It's too early for you to stress out over it. I do agree that if you were actually at the point of matching into a field without support of your S.O., this would be a sign of bigger problems in the long run if she doesn't come around. If your S.O. didn't really want you to go to med school, you do need to address how she feels about it now that decisions like specialty, residency programs, fellowships, etc. are looming in the next few years, as decisions get harder with less ability to easily change course. If she is not on board with this, it doesn't matter which field you choose; she'll be less than supportive. However, if she is now supportive of you going to med school, as you go through your rotations, your interest in different fields, mood at home and other factors will be noted by your S.O. and will likely result in her noticing which fields seem to suit you best and which don't, and she may end up supporting your choices accordingly.

 

[akinetopsia]

OP, I think it's reasonable to take our family and SO's opinion into consideration when making important decisions in life, for instance in narrowing down specialty choice, but ultimately you have to be the one to pick what you do and be happy with the choice at the end of the day. If they love you, they should support you in your decisions even if they don't agree that it's the best one for you. It's your life, and they shouldn't be able to put conditions on their place in it.

And how would they know what's best for you? Do they know what you are interested in or find intellectually stimulating? I'm in the camp that the person that knows you the best is YOU. Do what you think is the best fit for you. If I were in your shoes, I'd tell my SO to pound sand based on those comments she made. I'd tell my parents I love them and while I take their advice seriously I have to do what's best for me, and hope they can see that.

 

[ChrisMack390]

I dated a girl like this. If you marry this girl, your entire life will become a game of doing things you don't want to do just because she thinks that other people think they are prestigious or whatever. Get out before getting out means giving up half of your stuff.

 

[Mad Jack]

My family and fiancée have always been supportive of my choices, but recently they've been seriously pressuring me about specialties to consider - and to not consider.

I started medical school wanting to do psych or path. My fiancée thought I'd grow out of it, and said she'd support me, but recently has told me in no uncertain terms that she will not be married to a psychiatrist or a pathologist. It's not about the money (shes been dropping "hints" that wants me in FM) - it's about the stigma. Psychiatrists are "pill pushers" who "aren't real doctors anyway" and "why would you bust your ass in medical school just to tread depression?" Also, pathologists are "creepy as f**k." She says that these aren't HER opinions, rather that this is "the world we live in." She also says that "psychiatry and pathology are important fields but I just wouldn't be attracted to you anymore." I hate to say it, but she might have a point.

My mom and dad agree with her - even though my mom is a child psychiatrist. My mother said that psychiatry is an "unfitting" profession for a male doctor and that she would be "a little embarrassed." My dad thinks psychiatry is a really important and vital field... but not for his son. Both my mom and dad think pathology is "for scientists, not for doctors." Neither of them or my fiancée wanted me to go to medical school, but they said "if you're going to medical school, you're going to be a real doctor." Incidentally, none of them see a difference between an MD and a DO, so as a DO I guess small blessings.

What do you do when you love a field, but you also love your family, your fiancée, and take their opinions seriously? The politically correct answer is always gonna be "screw their opinions and follow your dreams," but unfortunately I live in reality, and the opinions of people I love are important to me.

The kind of woman that will "no longer be attracted to you" based on your specialty choice is not the kind of woman that will stick to her end of the "in sickness and in health" bargain of marriage. I say she's saving you some divorce money by showing her true colors up front. As to the family, who cares. If they love you, they'll deal. My mother is far less than thrilled about me going into psychiatry, but I give precisely zero ****s because it's my life, and she's not going to be the one working 16 hour shifts and call if I were to do something she deems "befitting" of me.

 

[JB50]

My family and fiancée have always been supportive of my choices, but recently they've been seriously pressuring me about specialties to consider - and to not consider.

I started medical school wanting to do psych or path. My fiancée thought I'd grow out of it, and said she'd support me, but recently has told me in no uncertain terms that she will not be married to a psychiatrist or a pathologist. It's not about the money (shes been dropping "hints" that wants me in FM) - it's about the stigma. Psychiatrists are "pill pushers" who "aren't real doctors anyway" and "why would you bust your ass in medical school just to tread depression?" Also, pathologists are "creepy as f**k." She says that these aren't HER opinions, rather that this is "the world we live in." She also says that "psychiatry and pathology are important fields but I just wouldn't be attracted to you anymore." I hate to say it, but she might have a point (opie wtf here)

My mom and dad agree with her - even though my mom is a child psychiatrist. My mother said that psychiatry is an "unfitting" profession for a male doctor and that she would be "a little embarrassed." My dad thinks psychiatry is a really important and vital field... but not for his son. Both my mom and dad think pathology is "for scientists, not for doctors." Neither of them or my fiancée wanted me to go to medical school, but they said "if you're going to medical school, you're going to be a real doctor." Incidentally, none of them see a difference between an MD and a DO, so as a DO I guess small blessings.

What do you do when you love a field, but you also love your family, your fiancée, and take their opinions seriously? The politically correct answer is always gonna be "screw their opinions and follow your dreams," but unfortunately I live in reality, and the opinions of people I love are important to me.

You do not in fact live in reality because your reality is being twisted and doesn't have to be this way opie. Damn I actually legitimately feel bad for you come live with me and my wife FFS just to get away from that culture fam.

All of the bolded contradicts itself. Your parents are misinformed or opinionated to the point where they are nuts. I'm not one to dish out a lot of advice, especially on relationships, but bro, she's (your fiance) saying some manipulative stuff to you. Whatever her feelings for you right now are based on ideas, obviously not who you are or she would still be attracted to you if you were a garbage man (a bit of a stretch but lol).

Just hit me in the feels man sorry you gotta deal with that bullsh*t. Gotta stick up for yourself. PM me if you want someone to chat with.


FWIW, i know what its like to have overbearing in-laws or in-laws influencing my wife's opinions. It's annoying and not identical to your situation but I do know it's easier said than done sometimes to go against familial opinion/

 

[schmoob]

My family and fiancée have always been supportive of my choices, but recently they've been seriously pressuring me about specialties to consider - and to not consider.

I started medical school wanting to do psych or path. My fiancée thought I'd grow out of it, and said she'd support me, but recently has told me in no uncertain terms that she will not be married to a psychiatrist or a pathologist. It's not about the money (shes been dropping "hints" that wants me in FM) - it's about the stigma. Psychiatrists are "pill pushers" who "aren't real doctors anyway" and "why would you bust your ass in medical school just to tread depression?" Also, pathologists are "creepy as f**k." She says that these aren't HER opinions, rather that this is "the world we live in." She also says that "psychiatry and pathology are important fields but I just wouldn't be attracted to you anymore." I hate to say it, but she might have a point.

My mom and dad agree with her - even though my mom is a child psychiatrist. My mother said that psychiatry is an "unfitting" profession for a male doctor and that she would be "a little embarrassed." My dad thinks psychiatry is a really important and vital field... but not for his son. Both my mom and dad think pathology is "for scientists, not for doctors." Neither of them or my fiancée wanted me to go to medical school, but they said "if you're going to medical school, you're going to be a real doctor." Incidentally, none of them see a difference between an MD and a DO, so as a DO I guess small blessings.

What do you do when you love a field, but you also love your family, your fiancée, and take their opinions seriously? The politically correct answer is always gonna be "screw their opinions and follow your dreams," but unfortunately I live in reality, and the opinions of people I love are important to me.

I'm truly sorry you are in this difficult position. Here is my opinion (Sorry it is a little long).

For those that are saying dump your fiance, screw what everyone else thinks, etc; I'm sure they mean well but not all of them can empathize with your situation, so it is easy to armchair quarterback.

My opinion is, to do what you feel will truly make you happy when it comes to your profession. DO NOT apply for FM simply because your fiance prefers it due to any preconceived stigma. If she is so worried about status, she should keep in mind that being a physician of any sort is prestigious on its own and should consider herself lucky. You have worked incredibly hard to get to medical school because it is what you want in life. When you come to the crossroads of deciding specialty, you should not compromise for another person's shallow reasoning. *BTW I mean no offense to your fiance or family, it is just that you seem to understand that these are shallow justifications. If you are offended, I do apologize and it is not my intention.

I can give you some possible scenarios for the future:

• You follow your dreams and pursue a path that makes you happy.
  • Your fiance leaves, you get depressed, life goes on. You find yourself eventually in a good place professionally, emotionally, and psychologically. You meet someone else, all is well.
  • Your fiance matures, gets over it, supports you, and life is good.
  • You choose psychiatry, and fix her misconceptions .
• You compromise and choose a path that she deems is worthy of her spouse based on her obsession with self-image and how others see her.
  • She is happy, you are happy (temporarily); happy wife happy life, right? Wrong. You will always resent her. There will be no compromise with her. She will likely want to live in a particular house, in a particular neighborhood. She will likely not care how difficult or inconvenient it may be for you to commute to work, or how tough it is meeting the financial obligation. You will continue to resent her. More superficial life decisions will be made that you do not agree with. Since you've already conceded on career choice based on the threat of her leaving you, you've empowered her. She will continue to use that tactic. That may be the rest of your life, or it may get to a point that you can't take it any more and just end it anyway. Where does this leave you? In a career you regret selecting and are unhappy in, and a fiance/spouse that didn't work out anyway.

My opinion is, follow your dreams. If your fiance prioritizes superficial ideas of "status" and "public perception" over the happiness of her future husband, that's a big problem. What if you have children with her? Think about some of the decisions she may make when it comes to raising them, and their futures. Do you think she will be a great mom?

I have not been in your shoes before, but I've been married for a number of years so there have definitely been sacrifices. The difference is, both my wife and I have made them and continue to make them. My wife works her butt off taking care of our kids. She's exhausted, usually throws her hair up in a ponytail, frequently has dried up applesauce or yogurt (or some other food) on her shirt. Our place isn't always spotless. Dinner isn't always ready when I come home. But what I DO have is a wife who is always happy to see me (well, most days), and happy well-behaved kids that run to the door to greet me screaming "daddy!" I KNOW she is taking better care of them than anyone in this world. She has also taken care of all the bills, all the errands, phone calls, ballet classes, Sunday school, etc. While she was busy with all of that, she doesn't always have time to get her nails done or a mani/pedi. She won't go shopping for new outfits because money may be tight and she would rather go to the clearance section in Target or Kohl's to get winter coats for the kids for NEXT year. I can go on, but I think you get my point. Besides, she isn't reading this so I won't score any extra brownie points .

You've worked hard and deserve to be satisfied and fulfilled with your career, and there are plenty of women out there who would gladly be in a relationship with a happy and successful physician. As for your folks, don't worry about them; they'll get over it.

Again, if I'm being presumptuous at all I do apologize. I hope you can get through this difficult situation soon; this is the last thing you need because medical school is stressful enough on its own. Best of luck to you.

 

[JB50]

I'm truly sorry you are in this difficult position.. Best of luck to you.

So do you love your wife schmoob and make the rest of us jealous or what............

Great post Lotsa respect for you.

 

[schmoob]

So do you love your wife schmoob and make the rest of us jealous or what............

Great post Lotsa respect for you.

Haha, thanks! I guess I lucked out with her. I just need to make sure she doesn't find out...

 

[Luka75]

I have not been in your shoes before, but I've been married for a number of years so there have definitely been sacrifices. The difference is, both my wife and I have made them and continue to make them. My wife works her butt off taking care of our kids. She's exhausted, usually throws her hair up in a ponytail, frequently has dried up applesauce or yogurt (or some other food) on her shirt. Our place isn't always spotless. Dinner isn't always ready when I come home. But what I DO have is a wife who is always happy to see me (well, most days), and happy well-behaved kids that run to the door to greet me screaming "daddy!" I KNOW she is taking better care of them than anyone in this world. She has also taken care of all the bills, all the errands, phone calls, ballet classes, Sunday school, etc. While she was busy with all of that, she doesn't always have time to get her nails done or a mani/pedi. She won't go shopping for new outfits because money may be tight and she would rather go to the clearance section in Target or Kohl's to get winter coats for the kids for NEXT year. I can go on, but I think you get my point. Besides, she isn't reading this so I won't score any extra brownie points .

Man, How times have changed! Reading about a wife whose only job is to be a housewife sounds so weird to me nowadays... and I'm only 24.

 

[JB50]

Man, How times have changed! Reading about a wife whose only job is to be a housewife sounds so weird to me nowadays... and I'm only 24.

There are some women who are literally cut out to be fantastic moms, I swear. And by moms I mean the traditional definition of mom. I think it takes a pretty special woman nowadays to just "want to be a mother" and be super good at it. I also have mad respect for some moms who also work a good amount yet are still fantastic parents.


tlr momming is hard



/thread derail

 

[Luka75]

There are some women who are literally cut out to be fantastic moms, I swear. And by moms I mean the traditional definition of mom. I think it takes a pretty special woman nowadays to just "want to be a mother" and be super good at it. I also have mad respect for some moms who also work a good amount yet are still fantastic parents.


tlr momming is hard



/thread derail

Oh I know! hence why I'm impressed. Everyone is so infatuated with their career these days. Nothing wrong with that but I have to appreciate someone (male or female) whom chooses to go against today's "wisdom" and solely care for the household.

 

[673441]

First world problems.

 

[8404HMFMF]

Look, you're an adult now. You can vote, drink, drive, smoke, work, pay taxes, run for Congress, and fight and die for your country.

What kind of sexist bull**** is psychiatry is an "unfitting" profession for a male doctor and that she would be "a little embarrassed."???? Tell that to my Psychiatry Faculty members!

You're thus old enough to put on your Big Boy pants and tell your Mom you'll decide own your career, thank you much.

If your fiancée is this controlling, this superficial, and this status-conscious at this point in your relationship, dump her ass now, or your life will be a living hell for the next 50 years.

And she'll be entitled to half of your stuff when you eventually decide to divorce her after years of resentment for not following your dreams.

 

[Pisiform]

I joked around with my mom that I wanted to go into Obgyn. She told me she would be embarrassed to tell anyone that I am a doctor if I go in Ob lol. It was a good laugh, she is very old fashioned and conservative


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[IlDestriero]

30 years is a long time to not follow your dreams. I'm not a "real" doctor either. That's fine by me. The money spends just as well either way.
When I'm driving home in the Benz at 3 and the FP is 90 minutes behind and won't be home for dinner again I'm pretty happy with my decision.


--
Il Destriero

 

[JB50]

30 years is a long time to not follow your dreams. I'm not a "real" doctor either. That's fine by me. The money spends just as well either way.
When I'm driving home in the Benz at 3 and the FP is 90 minutes behind and won't be home for dinner again I'm pretty happy with my decision.


--
Il Destriero

 

[Nontradvet89]

Would you honestly just dump your fiancée and sacrifice the respect of your parents to pursue a field? It seemed like an easy choice to me too, in theory. But this was before I realized that I would actually be forced to make it myself.

You bet your ass. I'd dump the hell out of someone who said they wouldn't marry me if I wanted to go into a field I loved. And I sure wouldn't give a damn about my parents' respect if not being the RIGHT TYPE of doctor was going to be a "little embarrassing" to them.

That's crap. Total crap. Utter garbage. They need to know it. I'd be a lot embarrassed about my parents and my fiancée.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G920A using SDN mobile

 

[mistafab]

Good question OP - I never thought about it myself, but now that you say it, I should let everyone in the world dictate how I will live my life.

JK dude. You gotta grow up.

 

[BeddingfieldMD]

This seems odd to me. What's so "bad" about psychiatry and/or pathology? Not to generalize, but out of curiosity, are your parents first-generation immigrants from another culture? I feel like they may be projecting reputations onto these specialties that don't really exist. Unless you're rolling in a family filled with business tycoons, 1,000-patent engineers, and NYC top-firm lawyers, I can't imagine most family members would be ashamed to say their kid is a pathologist. Of course, everyone wants respect and acceptance from their parents. But keep in mind that your parents love you (I assume), and if you're happy with your decision and successful in your field, I'm sure they'll ultimately come around.

As for your fiance, I have no idea what's going on with that situation. Sounds like you really need to reevaluate that relationship. "Won't be attracted to you" anymore if you go into pathology or psychiatry? That's crazy. Almost makes me wonder if this is a troll post, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Dude, definitely don't go into a specialty for your fiance. You'll be miserable your whole life. She either needs to support your decisions, or you need to consider kicking her to the curb.

Not trying to be flippant, but seriously, you don't need that added stress to what will already be a very stressful part of your life during residency--and beyond.

 

[MatCauthon]

Sounds likes it's time to dump your fiancee. If she is 'not attracted' to you if become a psychiatrist or a pathologist, what else will she be 'not attracted' to in the coming years?
Real love isn't based on conditions. Don't be a doctor divorce statistic and start thinking whether your relationship is the real deal.

 

[piii]

Would you honestly just dump your fiancée and sacrifice the respect of your parents to pursue a field? It seemed like an easy choice to me too, in theory. But this was before I realized that I would actually be forced to make it myself.

I wouldn't dump her because of her beliefs about those fields, I'd dump because the way you describe her she just sounds like an awful superficial person who isn't supportive.

 

[Mad Jack]

Would you honestly just dump your fiancée and sacrifice the respect of your parents to pursue a field? It seemed like an easy choice to me too, in theory. But this was before I realized that I would actually be forced to make it myself.

In a heartbeat. If she'd leave you over this, she'll leave you for something else down the road, so you're really saving yourself an alimony payment. Significant others are easy to replace, but you're going to have to deal with your career for the rest of your life.

 

[vernhart]

In a heartbeat. If she'd leave you over this, she'll leave you for something else down the road, so you're really saving yourself an alimony payment. Most Significant others are easy to replace, but you're going to have to deal with your career for the rest of your life.

I agree with most everything, just had to add that bit bc I am confident I would not find another s.o. like the one I have now. Thing about that is unless, god forbid, something tragic happens, the irreplaceable s.o.'s won't ever need replacing. I know I am a lucky s.o.b, so I am sorta the exception to the rule. The vast majority of relationships or even marriages I've been around I would say are completely replaceable. Idt I could personally be with someone who not only didn't support me, but was un-attracted by the fact I would ONLY be a doctor in a 'lesser' field of medicine (something really ignorant to all of us that know how competitive and demanding the entire process is of becoming any sort of doctor). Yeah, it is a judgment based off one person's telling of one story, but I have a hard time believing she has too many redeeming qualities if this is in fact true. (did I fit enough tautologies in my writing to emphasize my point? lol)

 

[vernhart]

That said, OP, only you know your relationship. So keep in mind we are people over the internet just telling you our thoughts without filter (well maybe some filtering for class), and making suggestions and generalizations without knowledge of other things (does she know a pathologist that murdered her childhood pet for example? do all psychiatrists remind her of the psychiatrist that maniacally laughed in her face for her visit about said pet?).

 

[Mad Jack]

I agree with most everything, just had to add that bit bc I am confident I would not find another s.o. like the one I have now. Thing about that is unless, god forbid, something tragic happens, the irreplaceable s.o.'s won't ever need replacing. I know I am a lucky s.o.b, so I am sorta the exception to the rule. The vast majority of relationships or even marriages I've been around I would say are completely replaceable. Idt I could personally be with someone who not only didn't support me, but was un-attracted by the fact I would ONLY be a doctor in a 'lesser' field of medicine (something really ignorant to all of us that know how competitive and demanding the entire process is of becoming any sort of doctor). Yeah, it is a judgment based off one person's telling of one story, but I have a hard time believing she has too many redeeming qualities if this is in fact true. (did I fit enough tautologies in my writing to emphasize my point? lol)

I believe you can always find someone new in a world of 7 billion people. No one will ever be the same, for better or worse, and we may not want to move on from those we care about, but in the case of OP, it's necessary

 

[vernhart]

I believe you can always find someone new in a world of 7 billion people. No one will ever be the same, for better or worse, and we may not want to move on from those we care about, but in the case of OP, it's necessary

Yeah but good luck living long enough to find them. Is there someone out there? Yeah of course, there are 7B possibilities, as you said. But I've been around enough people to know I'll probably die/get real old and be ready to die before I find an s.o. as good or better than what I have. I have a hard time even finding friends. Not bc I don't have the social skills to make friends (in my high school/beginning of undergrad days I cared much more about people liking me and was popular), but bc I generally don't like people ("you're gonna make a great doctor" -random troll...yeah yeah, I care about people and I want to help them...but they usually suck)

 

[Mad Jack]

Yeah but good luck living long enough to find them. Is there someone out there? Yeah of course, there are 7B possibilities, as you said. But I've been around enough people to know I'll probably die/get real old and be ready to die before I find an s.o. as good or better than what I have. I have a hard time even finding friends. Not bc I don't have the social skills to make friends (in my high school/beginning of undergrad days I cared much more about people liking me and was popular), but bc I generally don't like people ("you're gonna make a great doctor" -random troll...yeah yeah, I care about people and I want to help them...but they usually suck)

I guess I watched too much Doctor Who because I really like something about most people.

 

[caffeinemia]

lol. sign a pre-nup bro. She gonna leave you for half of that yuuugggee FM salary.

 

[GH253]

it's about the stigma. Psychiatrists are "pill pushers" who "aren't real doctors anyway" and "why would you bust your ass in medical school just to tread depression?"

Listen to your fiance. Psychiatry is a modern pseudoscience.

 

[LutGholein]

Listen to your fiance. Psychiatry is a modern pseudoscience.

Psychiatry is absolutely needed in large segments of the country. When you start seeing rural North Carolina family docs acting as both the sole primary care physician and psychiatrist in the region(counties) you know it's bad. I got a lot of respect for those rural docs.

 

[OrthoTraumaMD]

OP. I am willing to bet you're from a culture that values status (as defined by the culture), etc...the whole "real doctor" thing rings a bell. I am, too. I know exactly how difficult it is to go against the grain, particularly when that culture is "expecting" you to do something a certain way. Don't listen. Anyone who truly loves you will come around. You can't change your parents, and any parent worth the title will be happy when their child is happy. As for the fiancée, ask her if she would accept responsibility for 30 years of your unhappiness. A man who hates his work will always, always be an unhappy and resentful man, and it will bleed into your marriage, particularly when she is the reason you're unhappy at work. A good kind marriage can save a man from this unhappiness at work--except for when it is the direct cause of it. The marriage will fail due to this resentment, even if it's easier to choose them over you now.

I think I'm gonna quote Harry Potter here... "There will be a time when we must choose between what is easy and what is right."

 

[QueryNeurology]

My decision would depend entirely on how hot my gf was.

 

[GH253]

Psychiatry is absolutely needed in large segments of the country. When you start seeing rural North Carolina family docs acting as both the sole primary care physician and psychiatrist in the region(counties) you know it's bad. I got a lot of respect for those rural docs.

Just because mental illness exists doesn't mean psychiatry has an antidote (there's still no cure for liberalism...)

 

[Cskidd359]

Would you honestly just dump your fiancée and sacrifice the respect of your parents to pursue a field? It seemed like an easy choice to me too, in theory. But this was before I realized that I would actually be forced to make it myself.

Yes

 

[810390]

@Peach Newport

Many of the physicians here advising you to throw her out straight away as she's lost her mind and doesn't support you, aren't reading the situation so well. Some of these people are even casting violent threats toward her, good god. What you have here is a fetish maniac who has gone crazy over the notion of ****ing a family doctor. It's fiercely arousing for her. It's not a typical sexual preference issue...she's literally craving to get in a FM doc's pants.

Assert to her that *you will choose whichever speciality that fits you best. She can leave for all you care if that'll unsettle her love for you.* Let it sink into her. Hopefully, if you've selected a good and sane fiancee, she'll snap out of it and tell you that she'll love you regardless of your specialty choice, and of course, apologize.

 

[AnatomyGrey12]

@Peach Newport

Many of the physicians here advising you to throw her out straight away as she's lost her mind and doesn't support you, aren't reading the situation so well. Some of these people are even casting violent threats toward her, good god. What you have here is a fetish maniac who has gone crazy over the notion of ****ing a family doctor. It's fiercely arousing for her. It's not a typical sexual preference issue...she's literally craving to get in a FM doc's pants.

Assert to her that *you will choose whichever speciality that fits you best. She can leave for all you care if that'll unsettle her love for you.* Let it sink into her. Hopefully, if you've selected a good and sane fiancee, she'll snap out of it and tell you that she'll love you regardless of your specialty choice, and of course, apologize.

Fresh high school grads shouldn't really be commenting on marriage or really anything for that matter.

 

[Stagg737]

Would you honestly just dump your fiancée and sacrifice the respect of your parents to pursue a field? It seemed like an easy choice to me too, in theory. But this was before I realized that I would actually be forced to make it myself.

I'll take a little different stance and say I wouldn't necessarily dump her right away, but I'd definitely let her know that she's not going to dictate what field I go into. If she's got a problem with that she can decide whether she wants to break it off herself or suck it up and learn to deal with it. Also, you haven't really said if she's demanding/controlling in general or if she's just fixating on misconceptions with your career. If it's the latter, I think the relationship is still salvageable if she grows up and figures out that what society in general thinks doesn't matter that much. If it's the former, I'm with everyone else here and don't think this relationship has a very happy future. However, if your fiancee legitimately cares about you, she'll get over it as well.

I'll also add that I absolutely would NOT get married to this person until you've decided on a specialty and have firmly convinced her that you will be going into that field. I realize that might be hard since you're engaged, but tying the knot before you've firmly decided on a specialty is just asking for more drama and misery.

I'm usually on Team Prioritize Your Relationship Over Medical School, but in this case I'm going to make an exception. Alarm bells are going off in my head. It would be one thing if she was against a specialty because of lifestyle (it's probably pretty hard to be married to a surgeon who's on call all the time), but if she won't be attracted to you any more because you're pursuing your passion, that's a bad sign. If you cave and choose something you're not interested in, how do you know she "won't be attracted to you anymore" over other decisions in the future?

I'm not saying dump her, because maybe you can get through this. But I'd pick your favorite specialty and let the chips fall where they may. Your parents will get over it, and if she's really someone you want to be your wife, she will too.

Adding on to this, it sounds like her demands are a power play for your future marriage. If you cave with your entire career, she's going to know that she can make pretty much any demand she wants in the marriage and you'll cave. Good relationships usually require compromise and some sacrifices, but when people start making ultimatums it just leads to disaster. Do what will make you happy and don't be a doormat.

 

[Taddy Mason]

Listen to your fiance. Psychiatry is a modern pseudoscience.

Care to back this up with something other than your own opinion?

Just because mental illness exists doesn't mean psychiatry has an antidote (there's still no cure for liberalism...)

No rational person would ever claim psych has an antidote for mental illness.

 

[michaelrack]

To the op: do a med psych or fp psych combined residency

 

[michaelrack]

To the op: do a med psych or fp psych combined residency

 

[michaelrack]

To the op: do a med psych or fp psych combined residency