sore eye asses

7+ Year Member
Aug 14, 2009
529
80
171
Status
Attending Physician
--Who I am: A dude

--What I do: ENT

--My story:

In my early 20's I was all hopped up on coke and Quaaludes and barbiturates. I was a male stripper, and I won an award for “best lap dance south of Cincinnati,” three years straight. During this time, I actually posed for Netter because I was the only man in America that could do the fabled “lateral glans shift.” That baby earned me a full page spread (4th ed., plate 382), which I consider to be one of my finest achievements.

Later, my life took a 180 turn, when I met a lovely Irish Setter named Muriel at one of my shows. Though she could not communicate with me using words, it was clear that she wanted me to stop my reckless male whoring and bloodshot-eyed powder parties. How could I deny her? Muriel’s coat was like satin, and her heart was as pure as the driven snow. I decided then and there to hang up my assless chaps for good. My new life’s purpose was to do puppet shows for blind and deaf orphans. Let me tell you, it was not easy going at first. It’s very difficult to keep someone’s attention when they cannot see or hear you, and have been abandoned by their parents. Over time though, I learned to synchronize my laryngeal vibrations so that I could communicate with them sonically, like a dolphin. It wasn’t long before I was delivering classics like The Fountainhead, Anna Karenina, and Winnie the Pooh. The orphans were elated and smiled endlessly, like drunken sailors on shore leave.

That’s what got me turned onto medicine, and is the reason I am avidly pursuing a career in otolaryngology. I want to train a whole new clan of laryngeal puppeteers to give the next batch of blind, deaf orphans the same shot at being able to enjoy puppet shows.


--My F'ing awesome stats (read 'em and begin to pee yourself halfway through, guaranteed):

--Board Scores:
step 1: so incalculably high it broke the machine that grades them
step 2: when I sat down at the computer to take my test, the computer displayed a white flag and 3 weeks later I got an email from USMLE saying “we would like to avoid anything resembling the ‘step 1 incident’ with you, so we’re just going to give you a 294 and call it square, ok?”

--AOA and class rank: I created AOA in my basement, and I’m ranked -12 because I’m better than everyone in my class and at least 12 members of the previous class.


--Reputation of medical school: not as great as my reputation


--Research: I analyzed what would happen if you say the F word a lot in mixed company. The results were astounding. I will dual publish in NEJM and JAMA soon, just because they won’t stop bugging me about it.


--Honors in clerkships: none. I didn’t need to take them. I went from 2nd year to attending.


--# and where you did away rotations: 2, in my pants


--# of programs you applied to: all of them (I didn’t want anyone to get their feelings hurt, and I figured that most attendings would want to read at least one great app after reading all your ****ty apps all day)


--Where invited for interviews: I was the one who sent out invites. A few select programs got emails from me, saying they could come out to my house. I would not pay for their hotel and there would be no pre-interview dinner, so stop asking, you hungry ungrateful bastards!! Ok, I did give the guys from Stanford some ham sandwiches that my mom made and was gonna throw out because the dog wouldn’t eat them.


--Where matched: your mom’s house


--Anything that helped your app: do you have a spare eon for me to tell you?!! I’ll try and summarise so your feeble mind can register the awesomeness: I lift weights, I’m super tough, I drink Gatorade even when I’m not thirsty just to show off how much I can drink, I piss diamonds and crap amethyst, I love orphans and give them piggyback rides for like 10 hours all the time, I’m computer literate, I fight for what I believe in, I fight for what I don’t believe in either, I like to fight, I will fight you and win, I’m an excellent kisser (men, women, and animals all tell me this in their own way), I invented post it notes, I invented Braille, I taught Tiger Woods how to golf and F, I created world peace back in 1913 for 20 minutes but got bored and then told the Germans they were royal dickweeds which pissed them off for like 40 years and we all know how that ended. I did other stuff too, like bury all the dinosaur bones so scientists could tell religious people they’re dumb, and then I told all the religious people that I buried them so they could be sure the scientists would shortly be going to hell. There’s really just too much I could put down here. I will write a book soon about how great I am and all the awesome s h i t I did and will continue to do, and I will call it “I’m awesome and you suck at life.” If you want to find my book, look for it at #1 on the bestseller list for eternity.

 

elenaP

5+ Year Member
Jun 16, 2010
38
0
91
Status
Pre-Health (Field Undecided)
I'm surprised this thread hasn't been dominated with posts by those who supposedly abhor arrogance and humor. Where are the 2 or 3 people who don't like sore eye asses? I'm looking for more laughs.
 

eddie13231

Member
10+ Year Member
Apr 9, 2005
206
0
241
33
Status
Medical Student
--Who I am: A dude

--What I do: ENT

--My story:

In my early 20's I was all hopped up on coke and Quaaludes and barbiturates. I was a male stripper, and I won an award for “best lap dance south of Cincinnati,” three years straight. During this time, I actually posed for Netter because I was the only man in America that could do the fabled “lateral glans shift.” That baby earned me a full page spread (4th ed., plate 382), which I consider to be one of my finest achievements.

Later, my life took a 180 turn, when I met a lovely Irish Setter named Muriel at one of my shows. Though she could not communicate with me using words, it was clear that she wanted me to stop my reckless male whoring and bloodshot-eyed powder parties. How could I deny her? Muriel’s coat was like satin, and her heart was as pure as the driven snow. I decided then and there to hang up my assless chaps for good. My new life’s purpose was to do puppet shows for blind and deaf orphans. Let me tell you, it was not easy going at first. It’s very difficult to keep someone’s attention when they cannot see or hear you, and have been abandoned by their parents. Over time though, I learned to synchronize my laryngeal vibrations so that I could communicate with them sonically, like a dolphin. It wasn’t long before I was delivering classics like The Fountainhead, Anna Karenina, and Winnie the Pooh. The orphans were elated and smiled endlessly, like drunken sailors on shore leave.

That’s what got me turned onto medicine, and is the reason I am avidly pursuing a career in otolaryngology. I want to train a whole new clan of laryngeal puppeteers to give the next batch of blind, deaf orphans the same shot at being able to enjoy puppet shows.


--My F'ing awesome stats (read 'em and begin to pee yourself halfway through, guaranteed):

--Board Scores:
step 1: so incalculably high it broke the machine that grades them
step 2: when I sat down at the computer to take my test, the computer displayed a white flag and 3 weeks later I got an email from USMLE saying “we would like to avoid anything resembling the ‘step 1 incident’ with you, so we’re just going to give you a 294 and call it square, ok?”

--AOA and class rank: I created AOA in my basement, and I’m ranked -12 because I’m better than everyone in my class and at least 12 members of the previous class.


--Reputation of medical school: not as great as my reputation


--Research: I analyzed what would happen if you say the F word a lot in mixed company. The results were astounding. I will dual publish in NEJM and JAMA soon, just because they won’t stop bugging me about it.


--Honors in clerkships: none. I didn’t need to take them. I went from 2nd year to attending.


--# and where you did away rotations: 2, in my pants


--# of programs you applied to: all of them (I didn’t want anyone to get their feelings hurt, and I figured that most attendings would want to read at least one great app after reading all your ****ty apps all day)


--Where invited for interviews: I was the one who sent out invites. A few select programs got emails from me, saying they could come out to my house. I would not pay for their hotel and there would be no pre-interview dinner, so stop asking, you hungry ungrateful bastards!! Ok, I did give the guys from Stanford some ham sandwiches that my mom made and was gonna throw out because the dog wouldn’t eat them.


--Where matched: your mom’s house


--Anything that helped your app: do you have a spare eon for me to tell you?!! I’ll try and summarise so your feeble mind can register the awesomeness: I lift weights, I’m super tough, I drink Gatorade even when I’m not thirsty just to show off how much I can drink, I piss diamonds and crap amethyst, I love orphans and give them piggyback rides for like 10 hours all the time, I’m computer literate, I fight for what I believe in, I fight for what I don’t believe in either, I like to fight, I will fight you and win, I’m an excellent kisser (men, women, and animals all tell me this in their own way), I invented post it notes, I invented Braille, I taught Tiger Woods how to golf and F, I created world peace back in 1913 for 20 minutes but got bored and then told the Germans they were royal dickweeds which pissed them off for like 40 years and we all know how that ended. I did other stuff too, like bury all the dinosaur bones so scientists could tell religious people they’re dumb, and then I told all the religious people that I buried them so they could be sure the scientists would shortly be going to hell. There’s really just too much I could put down here. I will write a book soon about how great I am and all the awesome s h i t I did and will continue to do, and I will call it “I’m awesome and you suck at life.” If you want to find my book, look for it at #1 on the bestseller list for eternity.

Haha I never saw this...good one sore eyes.
 

amine2086

10+ Year Member
7+ Year Member
Feb 16, 2009
528
64
171
Hola!
Status
Medical Student
--Who I am: A dude

--What I do: ENT

--My story:

In my early 20's I was all hopped up on coke and Quaaludes and barbiturates. I was a male stripper, and I won an award for “best lap dance south of Cincinnati,” three years straight. During this time, I actually posed for Netter because I was the only man in America that could do the fabled “lateral glans shift.” That baby earned me a full page spread (4th ed., plate 382), which I consider to be one of my finest achievements.

Later, my life took a 180 turn, when I met a lovely Irish Setter named Muriel at one of my shows. Though she could not communicate with me using words, it was clear that she wanted me to stop my reckless male whoring and bloodshot-eyed powder parties. How could I deny her? Muriel’s coat was like satin, and her heart was as pure as the driven snow. I decided then and there to hang up my assless chaps for good. My new life’s purpose was to do puppet shows for blind and deaf orphans. Let me tell you, it was not easy going at first. It’s very difficult to keep someone’s attention when they cannot see or hear you, and have been abandoned by their parents. Over time though, I learned to synchronize my laryngeal vibrations so that I could communicate with them sonically, like a dolphin. It wasn’t long before I was delivering classics like The Fountainhead, Anna Karenina, and Winnie the Pooh. The orphans were elated and smiled endlessly, like drunken sailors on shore leave.

That’s what got me turned onto medicine, and is the reason I am avidly pursuing a career in otolaryngology. I want to train a whole new clan of laryngeal puppeteers to give the next batch of blind, deaf orphans the same shot at being able to enjoy puppet shows.


--My F'ing awesome stats (read 'em and begin to pee yourself halfway through, guaranteed):

--Board Scores:
step 1: so incalculably high it broke the machine that grades them
step 2: when I sat down at the computer to take my test, the computer displayed a white flag and 3 weeks later I got an email from USMLE saying “we would like to avoid anything resembling the ‘step 1 incident’ with you, so we’re just going to give you a 294 and call it square, ok?”

--AOA and class rank: I created AOA in my basement, and I’m ranked -12 because I’m better than everyone in my class and at least 12 members of the previous class.


--Reputation of medical school: not as great as my reputation


--Research: I analyzed what would happen if you say the F word a lot in mixed company. The results were astounding. I will dual publish in NEJM and JAMA soon, just because they won’t stop bugging me about it.


--Honors in clerkships: none. I didn’t need to take them. I went from 2nd year to attending.


--# and where you did away rotations: 2, in my pants


--# of programs you applied to: all of them (I didn’t want anyone to get their feelings hurt, and I figured that most attendings would want to read at least one great app after reading all your ****ty apps all day)


--Where invited for interviews: I was the one who sent out invites. A few select programs got emails from me, saying they could come out to my house. I would not pay for their hotel and there would be no pre-interview dinner, so stop asking, you hungry ungrateful bastards!! Ok, I did give the guys from Stanford some ham sandwiches that my mom made and was gonna throw out because the dog wouldn’t eat them.


--Where matched: your mom’s house


--Anything that helped your app: do you have a spare eon for me to tell you?!! I’ll try and summarise so your feeble mind can register the awesomeness: I lift weights, I’m super tough, I drink Gatorade even when I’m not thirsty just to show off how much I can drink, I piss diamonds and crap amethyst, I love orphans and give them piggyback rides for like 10 hours all the time, I’m computer literate, I fight for what I believe in, I fight for what I don’t believe in either, I like to fight, I will fight you and win, I’m an excellent kisser (men, women, and animals all tell me this in their own way), I invented post it notes, I invented Braille, I taught Tiger Woods how to golf and F, I created world peace back in 1913 for 20 minutes but got bored and then told the Germans they were royal dickweeds which pissed them off for like 40 years and we all know how that ended. I did other stuff too, like bury all the dinosaur bones so scientists could tell religious people they’re dumb, and then I told all the religious people that I buried them so they could be sure the scientists would shortly be going to hell. There’s really just too much I could put down here. I will write a book soon about how great I am and all the awesome s h i t I did and will continue to do, and I will call it “I’m awesome and you suck at life.” If you want to find my book, look for it at #1 on the bestseller list for eternity.

:laugh:
 

b1ge10w

10+ Year Member
7+ Year Member
Aug 23, 2007
31
2
141
Status
Medical Student
Hahahahahahah. Love it. Brilliant writing.
 
Sep 2, 2010
280
3
0
Status
 

N-Surge

Emeritus
Moderator Emeritus
10+ Year Member
Apr 25, 2005
817
6
251
Status
Attending Physician
In the past we have had some heated interactions. Recently, not so much. Let's try to avoid posting any personal attacks to avoid flaming. Thank you.
 
Last edited:

sore eye asses

7+ Year Member
Aug 14, 2009
529
80
171
Status
Attending Physician
It's small, but it's not really small. You can't possibly imagine how I would have compensated if it was really small.