I am in a five year relationship with a wonderful guy pursuing a medical degree. I love him with all my heart and want to stick by him through his schooling but I don't know if I can be at the bottom of the list of importance. Our relationship has lasted through some hard time but i am unsure we will be able to make it through this together. Will he be able to still give me what I need while following his dream? Will I be able to give him the support he needs while not feeling neglected. For those who are med students, residents, anyone currently in medical practice what advice can you give me that will help get me through what is to come?
I need advice on how to deal with a relationship with a med student
- Thread starter Slera1
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I know you're asking for advice from medical folks, but you might want to check out the SDN spouses/partners forum (if you haven't already) for additional support.
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This sounds like you should have this conversation with him, not with us.
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Is it possible? Yes.
I think this could be a chance to develop good habits. Basically, you should never be the bottom priority. Obviously he needs to do "well" in classes, but doing well could mean passing rather than being top in class. Is he okay with losing that 20% in order to gain a successful relationship? There are hard times -- no question -- especially in the third year and in the first year of internship. But people can always carve out time here and there. Some really focused people find the first two years not much more time-consuming than a full time job except during exam week. Others find themselves working a lot every night -- it really depends. But if he can make you a priority and if you can understand that tests sometimes come first, then you can develop relationship habits that will carry you through not just the med school years, but the tough years of hard work ahead. It isn't all over when you get that MD you know. Find out if you can live this lifestyle and if he's willing to make you a part of it.
I think this could be a chance to develop good habits. Basically, you should never be the bottom priority. Obviously he needs to do "well" in classes, but doing well could mean passing rather than being top in class. Is he okay with losing that 20% in order to gain a successful relationship? There are hard times -- no question -- especially in the third year and in the first year of internship. But people can always carve out time here and there. Some really focused people find the first two years not much more time-consuming than a full time job except during exam week. Others find themselves working a lot every night -- it really depends. But if he can make you a priority and if you can understand that tests sometimes come first, then you can develop relationship habits that will carry you through not just the med school years, but the tough years of hard work ahead. It isn't all over when you get that MD you know. Find out if you can live this lifestyle and if he's willing to make you a part of it.
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The key to success I think is for you to have your own things going on. He cannot be your sole source of entertainment and human interaction. If you have your own friends, activities, job and keep yourself busy too, and independent, not sitting home upset and waiting for attention, it makes a huge difference. There will be times when he only has time to eat dinner with you before diving back into the books. There will be on-call nights when he won't come home for 30 hours and then will sleep through the whole next day. There will be many many many weekends when he isn't going to be free to do things. He will sometimes have to miss family events, birthdays, holidays, relationship events.
Most couples make it work by carving out time when they can, but it really takes a team approach. You can help him through the rough spots or you can be an anchor tied to his leg and dragging him under. Good communication and being self sufficient are the keys.
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Personally, I would have a very hard time making such a big commitment to someone who was not my husband. I am not sure how old you are, but you may need to think about this. If one or both of you are not ready to take this step after 5 years, then there may be some other issues. So, follow your heart and dont do anything that will negate your life and the freedom that you deserve. If he is the one for you, you will know it and making the commitment to him will not even be a question. If he is the one for you, he will make you a priority despite his hectic schedule. Remember, men have different ways of expressing their love. If you are unsure what I mean, listen to Dr. Laura Schlesenger. Or call her at
1-800-Dr Laura. She will tell you like it is.
1-800-Dr Laura. She will tell you like it is.
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Who isn't actually exactly a Dr. by the way -- her credentials are in physiology. I sure hope you are joking. There's a good unauthorized biography available on Amazon about her being a hypocrite who isn't able to maintain any personal or work or family relationships and thus not the ideal person to take relationship advice from. Also she had a bit of a fiasco when a former lover circulated nudes of her on the internet.
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njbmd
She has a Ph.D in physiology which is a doctorate the last time I checked and therefore is entitled to be addressed as "doctor" as she had earned the degree of Doctor of Philosophy. No, she's not a physician but she is a doctor, as Ph.Ds are doctors. I am sure that you know the drill, not all doctors are physicians but all physicians are doctors.
Now, off to Spouses and Partners Forum.
SHYREM- I have had this talk with him he assures me that I will be apart of his life and that he knows how hard its going to be to but he says he is going to try to put me first. I just want some extra advice to get through it all.
Jamie- I am 21. He is committed to me and I am committed to him. We have had the marriage talk and talk of our future. We want to get married but Its not the right time we are both in college pursuing our careers. He has asked me but I have turned him down asking him to wait until we are ready as a couple. You dont have to be married to be in a committed relationship. Marriage to me is just a piece of paper that says we are married. In my heart I know he is the one for me I knew it years ago. I will stick by him through it all I just need some extra help from the people who are doing it. I like to know what I will need to expect and get advice from what he is going to need from me.
I want advice on what to expect and what I am going to need to do to help him and myself through the hard times
Jamie- I am 21. He is committed to me and I am committed to him. We have had the marriage talk and talk of our future. We want to get married but Its not the right time we are both in college pursuing our careers. He has asked me but I have turned him down asking him to wait until we are ready as a couple. You dont have to be married to be in a committed relationship. Marriage to me is just a piece of paper that says we are married. In my heart I know he is the one for me I knew it years ago. I will stick by him through it all I just need some extra help from the people who are doing it. I like to know what I will need to expect and get advice from what he is going to need from me.
I want advice on what to expect and what I am going to need to do to help him and myself through the hard times
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Look,
1. Your relationship is in transition, you're looking for some support to make it through, there are people out there trained to provide just that, in a way that is best for you. Look for marriage and family counsellors, or a therapist through your university if you're at one. i tell you this because this works for me and my partnership and many other people.
2. going online and asking for advice about your doubts about your own couple is not protecting your couple. what you get back is based on what you put out there. i hope that you know in your heart of hearts that the internet is not the best place for this.
all the best.
1. Your relationship is in transition, you're looking for some support to make it through, there are people out there trained to provide just that, in a way that is best for you. Look for marriage and family counsellors, or a therapist through your university if you're at one. i tell you this because this works for me and my partnership and many other people.
2. going online and asking for advice about your doubts about your own couple is not protecting your couple. what you get back is based on what you put out there. i hope that you know in your heart of hearts that the internet is not the best place for this.
all the best.
4paw- I dont have doubts in my relationship. I just want advice on how other people in my situation works through it not from a shrink or counselor. Thats not what I am looking for. Those people cant relate to what I am going through because most likely they have not gone through it them selves. I want real life stories and answers not a theory or text book advice. Thanks anyways.
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If you're looking for stories, ask for them. Don't give away your own power by asking for advice from strangers. You've got a lot of preconceptions about the nature of therapy. Humanistic therapies may be well suited for you - the goal in those is to be present as human to human, not via textbook. And in that, many succeed in being able to stand with you as you confront your fears and hesitations. For instance, I wonder if your partner knows that you are posting on a forum about your fears, asking virtual strangers for advice that could impact your relationship greatly. You're working through stuff that impacts your relationship. I suggest you do that in an honest, open way, and don't give strangers the power to decide by asking for advice.
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When you hold yourself out as a psychologist or psychiatrist rendering therapy you mislead people if you call yourself a doctor and don't have a credential in on of these fields. So no, I disagree with her use of the Dr title here in the therapist role. She can use it in other contexts, but here it's simply meant to mislead/defraud.
paw-I have confronted him he knows everything I have put in this blog and I take peoples advice into consideration not actually do what they say. I am the type of person that looks at the whole picture not just off of one perception. I just want to know what other people would do and what they can tell me. Not everyone wants a shrink or a counselor to tell them what to do. I'm am scared of the hard times to come and I know that. I just want to know what others do to get through it and what methods worked for them. I like to have options because maybe what one person said helped them doesn't necessarily mean it will for my relationship. I know what I am scared of and I know what my doubts are so does my boyfriend. So what I want is what other people can give me. I like first hand experience. To me thats the best way to learn. Beside your advice is telling me to talk to a shrink thats not what I want or what I am looking for. Yeah they might be able to help but I have had shrinks that didnt help me. That method didn't work for me when I was a kid. What worked for me is real stories and facts. But thanks anyways.
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Rule number one: Give him what he wants, when he wants it and dont interfere.
If he is on a study frenzy and is in dire need of food drop everything you are doing and make him something to eat. Its saturday night and you are bored out of your mind? Thats just too bad, he must study for his upcoming exams. Whats that you say, you feel that your emotional needs are not being fulfilled? I'm sorry, but he must concentrate on remembering how the systems of the body interact to overcome and defeat disease. You want to spend some time talking, possilby go out for drinks one evening? No, leave him alone, do not bother or distract him. Eventually you will move up from the bottom of the "list of importance", but until that day comes strictly obey rule number one. that is all
If he is on a study frenzy and is in dire need of food drop everything you are doing and make him something to eat. Its saturday night and you are bored out of your mind? Thats just too bad, he must study for his upcoming exams. Whats that you say, you feel that your emotional needs are not being fulfilled? I'm sorry, but he must concentrate on remembering how the systems of the body interact to overcome and defeat disease. You want to spend some time talking, possilby go out for drinks one evening? No, leave him alone, do not bother or distract him. Eventually you will move up from the bottom of the "list of importance", but until that day comes strictly obey rule number one. that is all
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