Job Advice / Family Situation

Discussion in 'Allopathic' started by bigzhones85, 10.29.14.

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Should I move away and go where I want?

  1. Yes

    16 vote(s)
    94.1%
  2. No

    1 vote(s)
    5.9%
  1. bigzhones85

    bigzhones85

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    Hi Guys,

    Here is my current situation. I am from an "Asian" household who paid 3/4 of my tuition. I am from the Midwest, lived here all my life and I would really like to get out of the city I am in (think Cleveland, Detroit, St Louis, Indianapolis, Buffalo). I have two job offers one in the city I am in and another is in a city that is more desirable to me.

    The issue is that my parents will not let me go. Yes, I am just about 30 but my parents still will not let me take a job in a place that I want. They keep bringing back the point of them paying for my medical school tuition. They tell me that the place out west that I want to go is not a good place to raise a family (even though I am not married). They also keep telling me that I cannot compete with the people out west due to growing up in the Midwest and that the Midwest **** hole is the best place for me.

    Things have gotten so bad that they told me if I go, they will call the hiring doctors and make such a big deal that I will not be able to work.

    I tried reasoning with them, I tried discussing it with them to no avail. They just keep telling me that I am the unreasonable one. I also feel for them that they paid 100k+ for my tuition. At the same time, I hate where I live and most of my friends have moved to other places as well.

    Do you think my parents have a point since they paid my tuition? What would you do in this situation?
     
    Last edited: 10.29.14
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  3. DermViser

    DermViser 5+ Year Member

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    Wow, just wow. At age 30, after having completed residency, you should be making your own attending job decisions. Your parents have made enough decisions for you up to this point (did they make your specialty decision as well?). I think this is more due to parental fear of losing you (esp. in Asian families that are so close knit where generations live in one household).
     
  4. newnerd

    newnerd

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    I am not a med student, I am not even sure that I will be pre med (that's still up in the air) so I am just offering my advice as a non traditional student who has some life experience and experience with parents trying to control your life. I think that you should respectfully inform your parents that this is your life and your decision. I am pretty sure that your parents wanted you to have a good education, so them paying for med school is not just an investment for you, but them too. And based on what you have mentioned of them it seems that they are very vested in your accomplishments, like your accomplishments are their accomplishments because they reflect on them as parents to a degree. So they may have paid for med school but they cannot try and act like they did it unwillingly. Like they didn't WANT you to go to med school. You should feel thankful and blessed that you have parents that care enough to want to ensure you have a bright and successful future, no doubt. BUT, this ultimately is every parents JOB (give their kids every opportunity and advantage possible in life), because they CHOSE to have children. It is not the child's job to then live their entire life in servitude to the parent. Your only responsibility as their child is to grow up and be a respectful individual (to your parents and others), use the morals, skills etc.. that they have instilled in you to navigate the world as an adult. And my personal opinion is that my only responsibility (as someone's child) is to not embarrass you as a parent by becoming a mass murderer or some other lowly form of life. Other than that my life is MINE to live. I have a small child myself and right now if I were to decide that I didn't want to be a mom anymore people would shame me into feeling like the scum of the earth (rightfully so). Why? because I would be ditching my responsibility. So therefore, I cannot turn around when he is 18 or 25 or whatever and say "you owe me your complete obedience because I did XYZ". It was my JOB. I don't deserve an award for that nor does he have to give up his own personal goals to follow what I want him to do once he is an adult. Again, I am not saying you should not be grateful to them, But they are acting like they paid to put you through stripper school unwillingly or something, like they paid for something they didn't want for you anyway. It is your choice at this fork in the road you have come to, whichever way you decide to go. Even if you choose to stay, it should be your decision and it should not be based in fear of them retaliating or anything else. Just do what you feel is best for YOU, they wont always be around to make decisions for you so just rip the band aid off now and get it over with. You will be more empowered for it and next time you are faced with this issue it will be a little easier and over time you will detach from feeling like you cant make decisions without your parents which is a healthy part of life and being an adult. And that's just my 2 cents, sorry if it was more than you asked for ;)
     
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  5. fancymylotus

    fancymylotus I Shooz 2B Fancy 10+ Year Member

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    My parents did this to me, for undergrad and dental school and residency. We fund your life, you go where we tell you to. Thankfully I got accepted to and matched to stuff that was in-state, but I guess I always knew I had to come back here to work after my schooling and training was over. Now that theres a big chance I have to leave my state, theyre sort of acting up again, but I think if I promise them I'll fly home a lot, they'll be happy. Plus the promise of eventual grandkids, etc.I'm Asian too...so the cultural bias thing applies in my case as well.

    Honestly if I was you, I would go. They'll get over it. Promise to visit a lot. If I was stuck in the Midwest against my will, I would go freaking crazy. :D
     
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  6. TooMuchResearch

    TooMuchResearch i'm goin' to Kathmandu... Lifetime Donor 7+ Year Member

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    Don't tell them about your potential employers and they can't make a stink to the employer. Also, that is crazy.
     
  7. Wordead

    Wordead 7+ Year Member

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    Dude.....come on.....how can you even respect yourself
     
  8. DermViser

    DermViser 5+ Year Member

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    Except setting up your private practice is much different than if you're an inpatient specialty that has to work for hospital where different hospital cultures can vary greatly.
     
  9. fancymylotus

    fancymylotus I Shooz 2B Fancy 10+ Year Member

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    It seems like OP has a great opportunity somewhere else and his parents are guilting him into staying. I was simply saying that he should try to reason with them, offer to visit a lot, I'm assuming his contract isnt infinite, maybe he can use that to his advantage.
     
  10. fancymylotus

    fancymylotus I Shooz 2B Fancy 10+ Year Member

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    also, midwest... :arghh::hungover::vomit::vomit::vomit::vomit::vomit::vomit::vomit:
     
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  11. DermViser

    DermViser 5+ Year Member

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    I can't believe they're acting up bc you might have to leave to follow your significant other for his residency.
     
  12. fancymylotus

    fancymylotus I Shooz 2B Fancy 10+ Year Member

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    the promise of grandkids has shut them up greatly. also, the knowledge that they can occupy their time with aforementioned grandkids and stop bothering me about how ive accomplished nothing since im 28 and havent had a kid yet. for people who are so cool and forward thinking most of the time, the lecture that my dad dropped on me the other night was ridiculous
     
  13. bigzhones85

    bigzhones85

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    Honestly, I just want to get out of the midwest and go some place warm.... I hate the cold.
     
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  14. fancymylotus

    fancymylotus I Shooz 2B Fancy 10+ Year Member

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    I'd rather live in the Midwest than CA. Ugh. CA.
     
  15. DermViser

    DermViser 5+ Year Member

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    But you have - you're a dentist. Probably means nothing if you're a woman though if you purpose is baby making. Reminds me of My Big Fat Greek Wedding.
     
    Last edited: 10.29.14
  16. DermViser

    DermViser 5+ Year Member

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    That's the one drawback to the Midwest - weather. I'm sure more people would live there if weather patterns weren't so weird.
     
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  17. fancymylotus

    fancymylotus I Shooz 2B Fancy 10+ Year Member

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    affirmative

    its the mid freaking west. whats not a drawback? hrrrrrrrrrrrrrmph
     
  18. DermViser

    DermViser 5+ Year Member

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    I'm guessing once you're making babies, they'll be actively involved in the rearing part of it?
     
  19. fancymylotus

    fancymylotus I Shooz 2B Fancy 10+ Year Member

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    both of our mothers are eagerly awaiting finally having something to do that doesnt involve nagging the **** out of their own children.
     
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  20. DermViser

    DermViser 5+ Year Member

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    :lol::lol::lol: His mom nags him?
     
  21. fancymylotus

    fancymylotus I Shooz 2B Fancy 10+ Year Member

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    No, hes smart. "I'm in the OR all day, I cant exactly look at my phone!" I dont have that excuse. So she calls me. Lol.
     
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  22. DermViser

    DermViser 5+ Year Member

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    So both his mom and your mom call you?!?! Yikes. That would drive any woman insane.
     
  23. Doudline

    Doudline 2+ Year Member

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    Honey, you're 30 y/o... your parents having paid for your education doesn't give them the right to dictate your life forever.

    Be kind but firm in your telling them your decision to move, and make it clear that they cannot change your mind. Do NOT make it a discussion - you're the one calling the shots here. They'll get over it sooner or later.
     
    Last edited: 10.29.14
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  24. newnerd

    newnerd

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    I am from the midwest also, so I understand
     
  25. fancymylotus

    fancymylotus I Shooz 2B Fancy 10+ Year Member

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    im used to it, they both have the same personality type so im pretty good at dealing.

    also, my mother doesnt just call me, if she calls and i dont answer, she finds out what office im at and shows up to work and demands that i have chai with her. yeah, bc i can just stop whatever im doing and have a tea party. slkdfjslksjdkjfsdlkdjfdslfds
     
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  26. newnerd

    newnerd

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    I've always wanted to live in CA but have never been. Whats wrong with CA. Seems like good weather, nice farmers markest, lots of outdoor exercise...No? I mean the cost of living is ridiculous but other than that
     
  27. fancymylotus

    fancymylotus I Shooz 2B Fancy 10+ Year Member

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    Overly nice people, overly sunshiney weather, overly happy outlook on everything, no stress, too much relaxation, etcetcetc

    (I'm a jaded NYC girl)
     
  28. DermViser

    DermViser 5+ Year Member

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    I know, who would want that? :rolleyes:
     
    Last edited: 10.30.14
  29. newnerd

    newnerd

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    Lol I can only imagine a New Yorker in CA looking at people like they are crazy. I think both cities are very cool, for different reasons of course

    err I mean both states o_O. I cant help it I automatically think NYC and LA when I think of those two.
     
    Last edited: 10.29.14
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  30. FIREitUP

    FIREitUP 7+ Year Member

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    hahaha that's awesome
     
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  31. W19

    W19 SDN Gold Donor Gold Donor 2+ Year Member

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    If one is running from the midwest [cold] weather, do they really have many other options? except some states in the south + NM, AZ and CA...
     
  32. MedWonk

    MedWonk 高飛車 5+ Year Member

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    It's time to put on the big boy pants and just move on. Your situation sounds not too dissimilar from mine prior to starting med school. Your best option is to just find a job where you want to live, and just go. Your parents will adapt, and everyone will be happier and healthier for it. Your career and livelihood aren't their decision to make.
     
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  33. SoyMilk

    SoyMilk 7+ Year Member

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    Good god man what is wrong with you? Get the eff out of the midwest. Living there is brutal as an Asian American. Try SF or NYC for god sakes.

    Then again maybe a momma's boy like you would get chewed up and spit out by a big city. Why you so scared? If you do not do what you want right now you will regret it for the rest of your life.
     
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  34. DermViser

    DermViser 5+ Year Member

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    And what is wrong with Arizona? You forgot Florida also.
     
  35. DermViser

    DermViser 5+ Year Member

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    Have some compassion.
     
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  36. MedWonk

    MedWonk 高飛車 5+ Year Member

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    Hawaii if you can afford it and aren't bothered by island fever. Also Texas. Texas can be pretty awesome. And New Orleans, too, despite its crushing poverty and incredibly high homicide rate.
     
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  37. circulus vitios

    circulus vitios 7+ Year Member

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    High cost of living, high taxes, insane amounts of traffic, disgustingly stupid state/local government.
     
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  38. W19

    W19 SDN Gold Donor Gold Donor 2+ Year Member

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    FL is also a southern state... I definitely plan to settle either there or TX... Other than FL school system, I like everything about the state. FL is arguably one of the best states to settle in if one is running from the cold weather. The school system is not the best, but if you have a middle class income, it won't be a big issue since FL school system is very segregated...All the good schools tend to be in upper middle class and wealthy neighborhoods.
     
  39. W19

    W19 SDN Gold Donor Gold Donor 2+ Year Member

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    To each its own... Not that I want to live in CA, but the midwest is definitely a non starter...
     
  40. fancymylotus

    fancymylotus I Shooz 2B Fancy 10+ Year Member

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    Well, my other half didn't apply to any programs in CA, so thankfully I won't ever have to move there :D
     
  41. fancymylotus

    fancymylotus I Shooz 2B Fancy 10+ Year Member

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    I need to repost this. It is applicable here.

    ImageUploadedBySDN Mobile1414675152.120785.jpg
     
  42. Winged Scapula

    Winged Scapula Cougariffic! Staff Member Lifetime Donor SDN Chief Administrator 10+ Year Member

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    Why is this in the allopathic forum? I'm not sure it has anything to do with medical school.
     
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  43. Mass Effect

    Mass Effect 2+ Year Member

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    The state shakes.
     
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  44. bc65

    bc65 2+ Year Member

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    OP:

    If a calm discussion with your parents isn't successful, then just respectfully leave and go to your new job. I suggest that you avoid sharing information about your new job with your family. However, if they already know where you will be working, and if you believe that they are likely to carry out their threat to call your new employers, then just tell them, as calmly as possible, that that sort of behavior is beyond what is acceptable, and any further threats or actions along those lines will mean that they will never see any future grandchildren- ever. Tell them that you wouldn't want to risk exposing your children to people who exhibit that sort of vindictive, anti-social behavior. That should quiet them down. But you need to be calm and controlled when you have that conversation or they won't take you seriously.

    If they mention the tuition they paid, just tell them you will pay them back. Show them a repayment schedule. With interest, if necessary. You could also tell them you're just going to this job to get experience and you will be back later because your state is such a great place to raise children.

    While a call from your parents to your employer won't necessarily reflect badly on you, it will make your employer worry about potential problems due to your family situation.

    Good luck!
     
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  45. xffan624

    xffan624 2+ Year Member

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    Well OP does sound more like a current medical student who has never moved out of his parents' house, than a self-supporting adult so I can see how he was confused in his posting location.
     
  46. Winged Scapula

    Winged Scapula Cougariffic! Staff Member Lifetime Donor SDN Chief Administrator 10+ Year Member

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    Hmmm...when he mentioned the term job, I assumed he was talking about a post residency or fellowship attending job. But I can see that perhaps he's talking about a residency position.
     
  47. DermViser

    DermViser 5+ Year Member

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    Except he says, "I have two job offers one in the city I am in and another is in a city that is more desirable to me." One would hope he has more than 2 interviews to match.
     
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  48. evilbooyaa

    evilbooyaa 5+ Year Member

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    This sounds like a resident who is about to start a new job as an attending.

    Tell them you'll pay back the tuition with interest if it'll allow them to let you live your own life.

    Rough situation to be in because I'm sure your family loves you very much, but it's to an overprotective extent at this point.
     
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  49. DermViser

    DermViser 5+ Year Member

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    Yes. I've definitely had some Asian friends whose parents were quite overprotective but it was mainly with respect to pursuing medical school (and maybe a little bit with respect to going for certain specialties). Telling them where to live as an attending is a first that I've heard of.
     
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  50. fancymylotus

    fancymylotus I Shooz 2B Fancy 10+ Year Member

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    Lol, indian parents are notorious for this crap
     
  51. DermViser

    DermViser 5+ Year Member

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    Even when you're an attending (I'm assuming OP is male)?
     

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