Juggling a Long Distance Relationship while getting your Doctorate

[Baloo]

This maybe a bit of a personal question, but I thought I'd ask it anyway. Will anyone, other than myself, be having a long distance relationship (marriage, bf, gf) because they are moving to another city? My hubby is in med school and can't transfer, while il be moving to another state further away for my PsyD. Has anyone had a similar situation, and how did you handle it both emotionally and financially? I'd truly appreciate this very personal advice.

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[Therapist4Chnge]

Well......I wish I could say I've seen it work a lot, but I haven't. You have a couple things going for you though.....married (vs just dating), he is in med school (he can relate....as opposed to working a 9-5 and not 'getting it').

I've seen married people do fine (and some others not so much), but for LTR dating.... , it is like having an unofficial pool of how long the first years will last before breaking up with their sig. other 'who doesn't understand'. Typically the over / under is ~6-7 months.

-t

 

[irish80122]

Long distance relationships in general can be tough...I am no expert but I did do it for a year (though it didn't end happily). It can be done though. If there is an end in sight (either his or your graduation) where you know you will be together again I think that helps a lot...even if it is a ways off, at least you know when, you know? It can work if you want it to work badly enough but it is tough. I wish you the best of luck!

 

[ericmh35]

In general, I think the fact that you two have a real commitment can make the difference. Nevertheless, I will go ahead and share some personal experience:

This past year I had been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend of just under two years. I had one semester left in undergraduate and she was starting law school a few states away. It was pretty tough for both of us though I felt that the end result (my moving to her geographic area by the end of the year) would be worth. She, unfortunately, missed me too much and ended up suggesting a break. We both felt that if we were older (we are 21 and 22) and more experienced (neither of us had had a relationship last over 6 months before) than it would have been much easier. A big thing for most couples I asked for advice was the importance of making a full (but not "complete") life without your significant other, so that you can fill your time when they are not there. Also, having a definite end point in sight is useful. I have two close friends whose relationships survived multiple years of separation, so it certainly is possible.

I wish you guys the best of luck.

P.S.
Try reading "The Long-Distance Relationship Guide" by Tiger. It takes a cutesy approach but still has some pearls.

 

[LadyInRed]

I'll be doing the long distance thing also with my bf. We've done it before though; it's not fun, but it worked out fine. While it may not seem like it, there are some pluses - you tend to argue less over the more minor day to day stuff and really make the most of your time together when you do get to see each other. We were together for a year in college, did long distance for 2 years after he graduated from college but I was still in college, then lived together for a couple years after I graduated, and now he can't move where I'm going to be so we'll be doing it again while I'm in grad school (assuming everything works out). Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

 

[paramour]

I am married and we will be doing a long-distance thing. Yet again. But we already know what we're getting ourselves into. We did it for 3 years previously, during the last bit of my undergrad and through the first 1 1/2 years of my master's program. AND, I had to juggle our son on top of this. Oh, what fun! I won't lie--it was slightly stressful and I know a lot of people who thought I was absolutely bonkers. There were a few times I thought that I was nuts as well but it worked out . . . but it also took lots of flexibility on both our parts.

He was coming home every weekend or every other weekend but then gas prices shot up, making it costly to do so, and we ended up going every 3-6 weeks, depending on what we each had going on around that time. If he couldn't make it, I would periodically go to his location instead (especially if there was a hockey game that I really wanted to see ). He stayed in a hotel for most of the time but eventually found a nice room (in someone's house) for rent the last 9-12 months that was considerably cheaper. We still periodically reserved the hotel room when I went up there . . . and since he had spent so much time (and money!) there, we got a lot of "extras" that we wouldn't have otherwise. Of course, staying in the hotel for so long spoiled him tremendously.

Anyway, it is difficult but it can be done. My current mentor and his wife did the same thing during their internship year and slightly before & after and they're still quite happily married. Long-term does not equal an automatic death sentence for the relationship, although it can definitely break a "weak" relationship more quickly or put strain on even a strong one. Feel free to ask any other questions you may have (here/PM)--we may need to start a long-distance support group!

 

[Baloo]

Thank you to all who have replied thus far. I hope to keep hearing from others.

 

[clinpsychgirl]

I did the distance thing for several years. We were lucky to end up in the same place for graduate school (I am finishing up my first year now). However, he will likely be relocating in a couple of years, so it looks like we might be doing the distance thing again.

In my experience, if you can make it through that first year, I think it does get easier. Especially considering how busy you both will be.

 

[perfektspace]

I think one of the secrets to a good marriage is spending enough time apart so you don't drive each other crazy! A year apart can work just fine if your relationship is healthy to begin with. Not to mention it sounds like the first year is extremely busy leaving little time for others.

I think once you start talking about being apart for much more than a year it can be a bad idea. You can start to lose touch and moving back in together can be challenging after you get used to living on your own for so long. I spent about 2 years apart from my spouse and it was certainly an adjustment when we finished undergrad and moved back in together.

I feel bad for those with a bf/gf. At least when your married you expect to make sacrifices in the short term to benefit your family in the long run. If I were in a relationship and going to a far off place for 5+ years and my SO wasn't planning on making the move in relatively short order I would rather be single to maintain my sanity. Not to mention who knows who you may meet in a new environment. You could be passing up a great relationship for the sake of one that is entirely uncertain... As always your mileage may vary.

 

[Ollie123]

I have mixed feelings on this actually. Right now I'm already in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend is doing her undergrad about a 5 hour drive away right now, but with all the traveling for interviews, application stress, etc. I have not been able to get out there to see her, so only saw her when she came home on break (I know, I'm a bad bf ).

However, 5 hours is about to become about 25 hours come Fall. Makes driving no longer much of an option. And on a grad student budget, I won't exactly be able to buy plane tickets home all that often.


To be perfectly honest, while things are working fine right now, I can't really say how things will be in the long-term. I can generally handle being away easier than she can. It isn't that I don't miss her, I'm just generally very busy and more of a social butterfly so when she isn't around I just go out with friends, whereas she tends to stay home. Grad school should help with the whole keeping busy part

I think it really just depends on the people involved. If you are 100% certain this is THE person I think its always possible to make it work. Not always easy, but always possible.
If like me, you are not certain, than it becomes more questionable. That isn't to say I don't want things to work out, but we've only known eachother for 2 years at this point and I'm not looking to get married anytime in the near future so I'm not ready to make a call like that yet. I do know that I need to focus on my career right now and if I had forced myself to only look at schools closer to home I was risking never being happy with the rest of my life since I'd always have to wonder "what if". I'm a selfish bastard when it comes to my career, so with intern/post doc/eventual jobs I expect the moving around I will have to do over the next decade while wreak havoc on my relationships. I've made peace with that.

C'est la vie.

 

[GiantSteps]

By the way, how do any of you know that your significant other is not reading your posts? They may be checking out SDN. Sure you all have screen names but it may not be hard for someone who knows you so well to put two and two together and figure out it is you. Especially if any of you have mentioned SDN to them in passing.

An additional anecdote, my married friend once wanted to use some of his vacation days when his wife was in her medical residency. She was not allowed to leave and he was not seeing her much anyway. He told her that he thought he should go on a vacation and he would call her which is basically the only way he was going to contact her if he was at their home. She vetoed the idea! He said he was willing to sacrafice a temporary vacation to keep from being forced to go on a permanent vacation!

 

[Ollie123]

She might be, but I didn't say anything in my post that we haven't already discussed with eachother anyways We're very open about that kind of stuff, and I think being able to logically and realistically discuss something like that is necessary for a healthy, long-term relationship anyways.

If I was your married friend GiantSteps, that would have been a divorce on the spot for me. Situations like that piss me off to no end, I'd have walked away and never looked back.

Maybe that means I'll be a bad husband or whatever some day, but I think I'd choose a lonely single life over being married to someone like that. Then again, I'd also never, ever try to stop my wife from taking a trip with friends even if I couldn't go, so maybe that means I'd be a good husband

 

[Therapist4Chnge]

To be perfectly honest, while things are working fine right now, I can't really say how things will be in the long-term. I can generally handle being away easier than she can. It isn't that I don't miss her, I'm just generally very busy and more of a social butterfly so when she isn't around I just go out with friends, whereas she tends to stay home. Grad school should help with the whole keeping busy part

Welcome to the 90%+ (of bf/gf relationships that don't make it when they go to grad school) The % is completely arbitrary, and based on what I have seen....so don't ask to see my research methods, etc. I'd probably just give you a deer in headlights look, throw my current research at you, and curl up in the fetal position, rock back and forth, and murmmur something about the bad man asking me questions!

-t

 

[Ollie123]

LOL. Well I guess time will tell won't it? There's still a part of me that wishes I had gone into business so I could have a "normal" life and find a 9-5 job in damn near any city in the country (and probably end up making anywhere from 2-5x what I will as a psychologist ).

I just noticed that you say you're in S. Florida Therapist4Chnge, can I ask where in S. florida and what you are currently doing (student, intern, etc.)? PM me if you'd prefer not to announce on the board.

 

[Therapist4Chnge]

LOL. Well I guess time will tell won't it? There's still a part of me that wishes I had gone into business so I could have a "normal" life and find a 9-5 job in damn near any city in the country (and probably end up making anywhere from 2-5x what I will as a psychologist ).

That is *exactly* what I thought when I was going through the application process! I *did* have a nice biz career, and have/had opportunities that would be $100-$120k+ starting.

Why am I doing this again?



-t

 

[Dr.Maybe]

I feel very lucky that my boyfriend of 3 years is willing to move with me, wherever I end up next year. But we've been living together for the last 2 years, are in our late 20s, and are really committed to being together for the long haul. If he's unable to find a good job and is otherwise unhappy living where I'm going to school, then we'll join the long distance club.

I think that maintaining a relationship despite distance and the pressures of grad school takes committment and flexability. If you aren't sure about the relationship, or aren't willing to compromise at all, my sense is that the relationship will probably not make it. But that's OK - you will likely meet amazing people during this next phase of your life.

And just for the record, I probably would not have tried to juggle a long-distance relationship and grad school in my early or mid-twenties. In fact, I know I wouldn't because I didn't in the past! But I think if it's the right person, you can and will make it work.

 

[Therapist4Chnge]

And just for the record, I probably would not have tried to juggle a long-distance relationship and grad school in my early or mid-twenties. In fact, I know I wouldn't because I didn't in the past! But I think if it's the right person, you can and will make it work.

This is very true. I did the same thing, and what a difference a few years make!

-t

 

[yeahok]

I met my wife two weeks before I left town to medical school. We both knew that this was it. So we managed a long distance relationship for a year and then got married. We are happier then ever! Right now we are in the same city, but soon she will be moving to another city for her doctorate work in psychology. I'm trying desperately to transfer, but I haven't had luck thus far. Long distance isn't any fun, but it can be done! The cell phone becomes your most valued posession. When we are apart the cell phone is my wife!!! LOL

 

[NeuroPsyStudent]

I know of several couples who managed a doctorate apart, though that was only three years. It seems that lots of marriage proposals occur soon before or during the separation, which is probably a good thing because it gives one something concrete to look forward to.

 

[Duckygirl]

I feel very lucky that my boyfriend of 3 years is willing to move with me, wherever I end up next year. But we've been living together for the last 2 years, are in our late 20s, and are really committed to being together for the long haul. If he's unable to find a good job and is otherwise unhappy living where I'm going to school, then we'll join the long distance club...

I am in the same boat as Dr. Maybe, but I've also done long-distance. I've been dating my boyfriend for 7 years and I'm in my mid-twenties (I know, I know, it sounds nuts). I am a year older, so we spent our first year apart when I went to college in San Francisco, a semester apart when I went abroad a couple years later, then another year apart when he went about my last year of undergrad. We both moved back home live with our respective parents...waiting for me to get in to school and get on with life!

The boyfriend will move with me wherever we go- he's most likely interested in a master's level environmental science degree, which can wait a year or two until we move, and well, frankly, he doesn't have ovaries...I have to get out of grad school before I CAN'T have children anymore. So we've put the priority on my going to school and are banking on him being able to find a program in whatever city we land in.

It's been tough at times, and if someone had told me seven years ago I would do a long-distance relationship, I'd have said they were crazy! I agree that it is easier to do once you've spent some time apart and gotten used to doing things on your own. Sometimes we were able to manage seeing each other every-other month, but like when we were abroad, we didn't see each other at all. Right now the boyfriend is doing environmental-sciencey-fishy-water-field-work out of state, Monday-Friday, so we only see each other on the weekends. He had a job similar last summer, and although I was saddened at first and worried it would be too hard again, it's not!

Being apart during the week is totally doable for me! We both have SO much going on, we have short little cell phone conversations at night to make sure he didn't get lost in the woods or that I didn't get rejected from ANOTHER school. Other than that, he comes back on the weekend, and our lives resume seamlessly together like there's no change.

Long distance with someone in med school would be really tough though! Med school students get increasingly less flexibility in their schedules and have shorter and shorter breaks. I would just do my best to put a priority on finding times that you can visit each other and doing your best to stick to that schedule. Good luck to any of you attempting this!

 

[SteelMariposa]

**

 

[psych00]

I think it is possible, but it has to depend on many factors as well as unexpected things coming up. It is definitely stressful to take part in any long distance relationship. I am no expert really but I think that there has to be a significant amount of time (preferably years?) spent together before venturing on together, separately. You are married so I am assuming you have that already established. I think that given a solid foundation, some time apart can strengthen the relationship as long as both people are secure before the distance occurs, and if there is some end in sight. Also, I am not sure exactly but maybe since your program will land you in one place for 4-5 years, maybe your husband can apply for his residency/rotations or whatever, in the area where you will be, once he is done with the straight school part. I don't know all the phrases or how it all works with med school but my sister and her fiance spent 2 years apart before their wedding (which was during his spring break from med school) and now that she finished her master's they moved in together and will be moving again to another state for his residency....so I am thinking maybe you could work it out with the timing so he can hopefully end up where you are, so you don't have to spend the whole time apart?

 

[Jon4PsyD]

My boyfriend of 4 1/2 years started off Long Distance (Connecticut and Florida). He lived in Connecticut during my 3 remaining years of undergrad. During my first year of graduate school in Boston we have been apart and it was too difficult for him. He returned home to Florida. Luckily, the seperation allowed us both to realize how much we needed each other and he will be moving in with me here in Boston and started his B.A. in the Fall (Which I'm very happy about!) at the same school I am receiving my M.A.

Hopefully I can stay in the area for my doctorate, if not..here we go again. But if your relationship is strong enough, you can survive anything

Jon

 

[Therapist4Chnge]

I figured this would be appropriate here.

-t

 

[paramour]

I figured this would be appropriate here.

-t

I saw this a few days ago and thought it was largely appropriate.

Of course, I find a number of 'em relevant to my current experiences . . . particularly the thesis ones. Really irksome to re-write a paper umpteen million times, only to have much of it come back around to what you had initially written over a year ago.

 

[Baloo]

I figured this would be appropriate here.

-t

HA HA HA HA!!!! THAT'S HILARIOUS