- Joined
- Aug 21, 2007
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I promised VA Doc that I'd post something creative yesterday. Here goes:
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I can be a real shiny, happy @sshole if you make me mad, and I'm in the right mood.
Apologies to R.E.M. for that sentence. I genuinely liked that song. I'm a sucker for anything in a minor key signature.
Last week, my wife had her wisdom teeth extracted. My dad was a dentist for what seems like 132 years, so I was familiar with the procedure, the complications, and the... whatever.
So, I sat in the waiting room at the dentist's office while they finished up with the wife.
The waiting room was actually really nice: exposed dark wood, deep green matte-finish paint on the walls otherwise.
The matte-finish stopped the hostile Florida sunlight from reflecting off of the surface, and assaulting your retinas.
Florida is generally an awful place with two seasons: "Jungle" and "Snowbird".
You don't want to go out during either. This leads to a lot of shuttered windows, and in-home drinking.
Two TVs with closed-captions were available. This was good; because you could watch your preferred TV and read the dialogue without having to listen to the other TV, which was showing some awful program like "The View", where dry old women sit with coffee cups in front of them (but never drink from them) and cluck and cluck and cluck and cluck. When I die... and my wretched soul is cast into the abyss because I am an unrepentant sinner... there will be panels of middle-aged+ women there, all chattering endlessly, devoid of reason or purpose.
I had an iced tea in my hand, as I generally do. I am the county's leading expert in iced teas. Sweet or unsweet. Flavored or unflavored. I have tried every commercially available option. At present; the leader is "Peace Tea: Half tea/lemonade combo." I think they call it "Country Club".
The mayor called me up one day and asked me: "Should we import butter or guns?" and I was like: "Import iced tea, d!ckhead." He thanked me later and was like: "Duuude. Right-on. I owe you one" and I was like: "Its cool, homey."
My homebrewed tea is still the best of all time. One gallon water. Four teabags. Two regular green teabags. One mint teabag. One basil teabag. Yep. You're welcome. Knowledge is power, mother-effers.
Now, its important to understand that the waiting room has a lot of chairs in it, but you could only sit in every THIRD chair because... COVID-19. To the left and to the right of me are chairs that are clearly cordoned-off with pink ribbon. This is to maintain social distancing fantasies about such measures being a Disney Princess Magic Spell that will protect you from unseen harms. And turn the Beast into a Prince.
It all started when I put my iced tea down on the seat of the chair next to me, which was cordoned-off with pink ribbon.
Now, if the chair had a leather seat, or some other humidity-sensitive surface, I would have placed my tea on the floor next to me. But; it was just a regular old chair. Nothing notable about it.
A woman whose name was most certainly "Karen" sat ten feet away from me, facing me, with her chair-back against the opposite wall.
I put my iced tea down. And I heard it.
* Ahhtttth *
She looked up from her SurfaceBook (Eff you, Microsoft) and her bespectacled eyes went from me, to the iced tea, and back at me. Her neurotically-tight curls flanked her frames like the curtains of a housewife that steals their kid's Ritalin. For five seconds, she went back to banging away at her SurfaceBook, because she's a single mom that is getting ahead by completing those ONLINE courses to get her a degree in an imaginary discipline that will allow her to push paperwork for marginally more money somewhere. Meanwhile, her six-year old was destroying nonspecific items about the waiting room. Then....
She did it again! Eyes from me, to the iced tea, and back, while her frantic keyboard-banging ostensibly paused for effect.
I had 'had' enough at this point.
I spoke: "Excuse me: Are you upset that I put my tea down on this chair?"
"Wulp. Yes."
"Why?"
"Because you touched the iced tea. And that iced tea is now touching the seat" (the seat that nobody will sit on, because it is cordoned off).
"And?"
"Well, this is how germs spread." (NOTE: whenever someone says the word "germ(s)", it clearly indicates that they have no working knowlege of microbiology. There is no "germ". There are viruses, bacteria, amoebas, and other single-celled organisms, each with their own identifying noun. There is no "germ" mentioned anywhere in any respectable text that I have read.) In addition, surface transmission is clearly not a factor in our present situation.
I nodded my head in agreement. And then I said:
"Yes. I remember the scripture. The book of Esdras (psst. there is no book of Esdras, that name is from a video game that I just finished), chapter 99, verses 7 thru 11."
"and the LORD saw that the woman was upset by this, and so unto her he said: "Mind your own FCUKING business, lest I slap you for being so stupid. And so she did. And so it was. This is the WORD of the LORD. (Thanks be to God)".
She did that double-gasp thing. "Ahhk-(inhaled)Whhaah" and went back to banging away on that keyboard. That poor keyboard. I feel bad for it.
Butter? or Guns?
"Iced Tea, beeyatch."
---------
I can be a real shiny, happy @sshole if you make me mad, and I'm in the right mood.
Apologies to R.E.M. for that sentence. I genuinely liked that song. I'm a sucker for anything in a minor key signature.
Last week, my wife had her wisdom teeth extracted. My dad was a dentist for what seems like 132 years, so I was familiar with the procedure, the complications, and the... whatever.
So, I sat in the waiting room at the dentist's office while they finished up with the wife.
The waiting room was actually really nice: exposed dark wood, deep green matte-finish paint on the walls otherwise.
The matte-finish stopped the hostile Florida sunlight from reflecting off of the surface, and assaulting your retinas.
Florida is generally an awful place with two seasons: "Jungle" and "Snowbird".
You don't want to go out during either. This leads to a lot of shuttered windows, and in-home drinking.
Two TVs with closed-captions were available. This was good; because you could watch your preferred TV and read the dialogue without having to listen to the other TV, which was showing some awful program like "The View", where dry old women sit with coffee cups in front of them (but never drink from them) and cluck and cluck and cluck and cluck. When I die... and my wretched soul is cast into the abyss because I am an unrepentant sinner... there will be panels of middle-aged+ women there, all chattering endlessly, devoid of reason or purpose.
I had an iced tea in my hand, as I generally do. I am the county's leading expert in iced teas. Sweet or unsweet. Flavored or unflavored. I have tried every commercially available option. At present; the leader is "Peace Tea: Half tea/lemonade combo." I think they call it "Country Club".
The mayor called me up one day and asked me: "Should we import butter or guns?" and I was like: "Import iced tea, d!ckhead." He thanked me later and was like: "Duuude. Right-on. I owe you one" and I was like: "Its cool, homey."
My homebrewed tea is still the best of all time. One gallon water. Four teabags. Two regular green teabags. One mint teabag. One basil teabag. Yep. You're welcome. Knowledge is power, mother-effers.
Now, its important to understand that the waiting room has a lot of chairs in it, but you could only sit in every THIRD chair because... COVID-19. To the left and to the right of me are chairs that are clearly cordoned-off with pink ribbon. This is to maintain social distancing fantasies about such measures being a Disney Princess Magic Spell that will protect you from unseen harms. And turn the Beast into a Prince.
It all started when I put my iced tea down on the seat of the chair next to me, which was cordoned-off with pink ribbon.
Now, if the chair had a leather seat, or some other humidity-sensitive surface, I would have placed my tea on the floor next to me. But; it was just a regular old chair. Nothing notable about it.
A woman whose name was most certainly "Karen" sat ten feet away from me, facing me, with her chair-back against the opposite wall.
I put my iced tea down. And I heard it.
* Ahhtttth *
She looked up from her SurfaceBook (Eff you, Microsoft) and her bespectacled eyes went from me, to the iced tea, and back at me. Her neurotically-tight curls flanked her frames like the curtains of a housewife that steals their kid's Ritalin. For five seconds, she went back to banging away at her SurfaceBook, because she's a single mom that is getting ahead by completing those ONLINE courses to get her a degree in an imaginary discipline that will allow her to push paperwork for marginally more money somewhere. Meanwhile, her six-year old was destroying nonspecific items about the waiting room. Then....
She did it again! Eyes from me, to the iced tea, and back, while her frantic keyboard-banging ostensibly paused for effect.
I had 'had' enough at this point.
I spoke: "Excuse me: Are you upset that I put my tea down on this chair?"
"Wulp. Yes."
"Why?"
"Because you touched the iced tea. And that iced tea is now touching the seat" (the seat that nobody will sit on, because it is cordoned off).
"And?"
"Well, this is how germs spread." (NOTE: whenever someone says the word "germ(s)", it clearly indicates that they have no working knowlege of microbiology. There is no "germ". There are viruses, bacteria, amoebas, and other single-celled organisms, each with their own identifying noun. There is no "germ" mentioned anywhere in any respectable text that I have read.) In addition, surface transmission is clearly not a factor in our present situation.
I nodded my head in agreement. And then I said:
"Yes. I remember the scripture. The book of Esdras (psst. there is no book of Esdras, that name is from a video game that I just finished), chapter 99, verses 7 thru 11."
"and the LORD saw that the woman was upset by this, and so unto her he said: "Mind your own FCUKING business, lest I slap you for being so stupid. And so she did. And so it was. This is the WORD of the LORD. (Thanks be to God)".
She did that double-gasp thing. "Ahhk-(inhaled)Whhaah" and went back to banging away on that keyboard. That poor keyboard. I feel bad for it.
Butter? or Guns?
"Iced Tea, beeyatch."
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