E'01, you write very well. You have done a wonderful job of putting everything together. I have a few suggestions:
-First of all, I wasn't aware that the cost to apply to each school was increased this year. Just make sure that is true. By the way, how much did it increase by?
-In the first para, I would eliminate the word "truly." I think we have stressed our appreciation enough
-In the second para, instead of "we are sure," I think we should write something like "we hope" that you understand….
-Last line of para 2, instead of ‘some of "them,"' we should be more clear and write ‘some of "the problems we have faced" are listed below' or "the following are some of the problems we have faced"
-I don't think we should number the problems. Bullets or dashes would be fine
-The first thing I would like to mention on the list is:
No paper application made available to applicants. (There are many applicants who do not have access to a computer or the internet and many others prefer to fill out the app on paper). All of the problems could have been avoided with paper applications
-after #1, I would add:
Frustration caused by poor application performance
encountered error messages; information inputted could not be saved, information deleted or lost at times
-I would like to change around the order of the list. I think first we should list the problems we faced with the web app, then list what we need to do because of that i.e. alternate methods put forward by other schools. So I think # 2 and 3 should go after
-#4: should we say that there is no toll free number
-#5: Instead of "unreturned," I think we should write "lack of response to e-mails sent with appropriate subject lines" or e-mails received….
(They really stressed that the subject lines be correct and even after putting the correct subject lines, I did not receive a reply to any of my e-mails.)
-#9, we can only write "nearing Sept" if we are going to send the letters asap
-in the last para, instead of ‘working "hard,"' I would write ‘working "around the clock."' Those exact words were written by the pres to us.
You may change according to what you feel is better.