Letting a significant other or an ex affect your decision on schools...

[aaj117]

I was just curious how many people here let their significant other affect the decision on where to go to school. And if anyone regrets that, or thinks that it was a good choice, or is nervous because they may have made a mistake. Either deciding to get away from an ex, or deciding to be near a bf/gf/husband/wife/partner of any sort. To what extent did it affect your decision? What effect did it have? I thought that being single this year would allow me to make the best decision for myself, but i think i actually let my feelings for an ex involve themselves more than i would have if we were still together. Have I made a huge mistake?

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[TheRealMD]

I've never known anyone to be happy basing their decisions on other people.

EDIT: With the exception of husbands/wives.

 

[ChePibe]

As clarification, my SO is my wife. That being said, I definitely weigh her input quite heavily. I am deciding between a handful of schools where I believe I would get an outstanding education and I would be very happy studying in any one place. In the end, I'll be the one just studying and going to school so as long as I have a table and a chair the place I go (out of my options) would not matter much in the end. She will be the tho living the day to day of the place so it is only logical that I have her decision at the top of my list.
I hope this helps some.

 

[fireflygirl]

So I have a SO in Pittsburgh and have been at Penn finishing a post-bac. We see each other every other weekend and it's been like this for three years. Unfortunately my SO can't leave his job right now since he's in such a good position and it would be foolish of him to leave that.

When I applied to medical school, I did take him into account, but to a limited extent. There was one school where I did not apply to even though it would be significantly closer to him because I knew I would get a better education at some other schools that I was applying to. On the flip side, I also got into both PCOM and MSUCOM and picked PCOM over MSUCOM so I would be closer to Pittsburgh and because I know I could do my clinical rotations near there and that UPMC is one of the rotating hospitals so I would have multiple opps to be near him during 3rd and 4th year. But at the end of the day, he is not my husband and we don't have a family together and this is MY time. I gave up a very good career and my personal life to start working towards medicine and in the same way that I don't expect my SO to give up something that he has worked so hard to get for me, I'm not going to give up whereever I get in for someone else other than my family. And even then, they would want me to go to the best place that offered me the best training. And my SO wanted me to go to the best place I could get into, even if that meant not being near him. But I certainly took him into account as much as I could. Maybe that's just me being selfish but I sacrifice in other ways to maintain my relationship with my SO and we've been going 3.5 years so we're doing something right. I'm not saying it's the best way, but it's what we need to do now so that we have no regrets later and so we are what we want to be.

As for you, I am not sure what your situation is, but I would think about you for now. I can understand thinking about a current boyfriend but an ex? You have worked very hard to be where you are and you've gotten into some great schools and I would hate to see you give that up for someone that may or not be in your future (you're obviously not together anymore for some reason). If it's going to work out, you guys will find a way to make it work through the challenges of medical school. But choosing a medical school and going through the hurdles is a big deal and at the end of the day you should be deciding what's best for you so you don't ever have to look back and think "what if I had done it differently?"

 

[DrPavoreal]

I've never known anyone to be happy basing their decisions on other people.

ITA. I'm not even letting my family or friends influence my future decision so why would I let a boyfriend?

Now if I was married that would be a completely different story. It'd be a joint decision.

 

[frikarika]

I was just curious how many people here let their significant other affect the decision on where to go to school. And if anyone regrets that, or thinks that it was a good choice, or is nervous because they may have made a mistake. Either deciding to get away from an ex, or deciding to be near a bf/gf/husband/wife/partner of any sort. To what extent did it affect your decision? What effect did it have? I thought that being single this year would allow me to make the best decision for myself, but i think i actually let my feelings for an ex involve themselves more than i would have if we were still together. Have I made a huge mistake?

I applied to only midwest schools, which is where I want to be, my SO is going to school on the east coast....I honestly don't know how all of this is going to work out. I'm not one to be in a LDR but I'm going to give it a shot. We decided if we still feel strongly about each other after my 1st year, she will transfer her grad program to my school. I definitely feel uneasy about it....but what can you do? Such is life.

 

[[pj]]

I definitely feel uneasy about it....but what can you do? Such is life.

More or less, yeah.

In the end, it'll work out or it won't. You can try to control things as much as you can, but sometimes you just gotta see what happens.

 

[Jolie South]

i think basing it on a SO vs a spouse is quite a different matter.

i wouldn't have chosen to go to a school at the expense of my husband's career. yes, i need to do well in med school etc, but i made a commitment to my husband. i would have easily gone to a "lesser" school if it meant that both of us would be doing what we wanted to do. what good is it if i'm happy but he's depressed because he can't do what he wants?

 

[medgrlsox21]

bump

 

[aaj117]

I am in a similar situation right now. One school is close to family one school is close to friends/SO. Both are the same price-roughly. One is city, one is suburban. I guess I would say if you can get a medical education and maintain a person in your life whom you've deemed to be significant then do it. If it doesn't work out you will still be on your way towards a wonderful career. I just feel what's the use of striving for all this if you can't share it with people you really love being around? You only live once and the things you'll remember are the people you met. Now if it's an ex that you KNOW doesn't share your feelings then go the opposite route, don't leave that window there for hope it will limit your future. Hope this is helpful, if only I could figure my stuff out too!

Congrats on Stony!

actually i think your answer hit closest to home...with stony i am close to family and all of my friends (except this ex/SO) live in manhattan, so i'm somewhat close. It's not someone who doesn't share my feelings...it's someone who just told me that he's totally in love with me, and wants to spend the rest of his life with me...but since we haven't been together for the past few months, i don't know if it's unreasonable to base a decision on our future. I've been obsessed with the idea of getting into Sinai off the waitlist, even though it's really unlikely. Now that i'm comfortable and happy with the idea of going to stony, and i'm considering re-entering this relationship (we were together for almost 5 years), i'm wondering if i should just give up on sinai and stop trying...but i know that woudl be based mostly on him and that's crazy... i kind of feel like i'm going crazy.

 

[Wylde]

I was just curious how many people here let their significant other affect the decision on where to go to school. And if anyone regrets that, or thinks that it was a good choice, or is nervous because they may have made a mistake. Either deciding to get away from an ex, or deciding to be near a bf/gf/husband/wife/partner of any sort. To what extent did it affect your decision? What effect did it have? I thought that being single this year would allow me to make the best decision for myself, but i think i actually let my feelings for an ex involve themselves more than i would have if we were still together. Have I made a huge mistake?

If I'm still with my gf (probably fiance at that point) when I apply to medical schools, it will definitely affect my decision. I'll either apply EDP to one of the 2 in-state schools or only apply to my 2 in-state schools and some of the schools that are very close out-of-state. If I don't get in the first year, I'll have to see what she wants to do academically/vocationally and we will talk about her transferring or being able to find a job wherever I am accepted in the country (and then i'll apply broader). I would only move away it if were for Mayo (next state over) or possibly (50/50 shot) if it is a top10 school that I absolutely love.

This is someone you're going to spend the rest of your life with. If you can't compromise what school you are attending, you aren't going to be able to compromise anything else in the next 50 years either. Relationships about about 2 people living happily together, not one person always getting their way and the other trying to tag along. If you're not willing to attend a school close by, you should probably end the relationship, it's hard enough having a long distance relationship... it's even harder when it was one person's decision to make it that way.

 

[DrPavoreal]

actually i think your answer hit closest to home...with stony i am close to family and all of my friends (except this ex/SO) live in manhattan, so i'm somewhat close. It's not someone who doesn't share my feelings...it's someone who just told me that he's totally in love with me, and wants to spend the rest of his life with me...but since we haven't been together for the past few months, i don't know if it's unreasonable to base a decision on our future. I've been obsessed with the idea of getting into Sinai off the waitlist, even though it's really unlikely. Now that i'm comfortable and happy with the idea of going to stony, and i'm considering re-entering this relationship (we were together for almost 5 years), i'm wondering if i should just give up on sinai and stop trying...but i know that woudl be based mostly on him and that's crazy... i kind of feel like i'm going crazy.

Why is he an "ex"?

 

[Luxian]

Since my love has said he will move out with me, I really wish I had the option of choosing a school that fit better with his job prospects and family connections. As it is, I can't really control it and I'll be going somewhere where neither of us has any connections. If I'd had a choice? No question I'd choose one of the cities he'd rather live in too, just to make the big sacrifice he's making a little bit easier.

 

[aaj117]

Why is he an "ex"?

well, the first time we broke up was because of my depression. When i went on medication i wanted some time to myself to figure out how it was really affecting me, and i asked to take a break...ended up not working, i needed serious time to myself to figure out how to recover and who i wanted to be, if that makes sense; i'd lived with severe depression my whole life and really wanted to focus on myself. More recently, it was just a huge misunderstanding... really personal so i can't go into it better than that, but i was really really hurt and i'm still a little afraid of getting hurt again, but i figure that possibility is there in any relationship and i love him too much not to take the chance.

 

[meowkat444]

i do think that bitter/angry feelings towards an ex have helped me decide *against* staying in my current city even though i had the option. too many bad memories every day. i guess that's not what you mean though.

 

[aaj117]

i do think that bitter/angry feelings towards an ex have helped me decide *against* staying in my current city even though i had the option. too many bad memories every day. i guess that's not what you mean though.

no it definitely is!! Haha initially stony brook was one of my bottom choices because it was too close to him... and i thought that was crazy to let him affect my decision even though we weren't together... but i didn't think i could handle being that close to him. I think that was driving my decision more than being close to someone if i were with them would have.

 

[Textuality]

Hehe, one of my main reasons for preferring Penn over Pitt is that Philly is much closer to my fiance than Pitt is.

 

[aaj117]

Hehe, one of my main reasons for preferring Penn over Pitt is that Philly is much closer to my fiance than Pitt is.

that and that philly has a chinatown...i know how your mind works!

 

[JRock310]

i actually am thinking about this right now...i take the MCATs in a year (next spring/summer), and i have a bf that i met at college that ive been with for almost 2 years. not to sound extremely but i know he is "the one." we have discussed me going to school, and he basically said he will go anywhere that i get in...but we did sit down and talk together about where his favorite places are that he'd like to go (cali, NY, abroad) and i agreed that i will apply to a bunch of schools there.

so to answer your question...yes, he is a huge influence on where i will go to school, but i definitely think it's worth it for my situation.

 

[DrPavoreal]

well, the first time we broke up was because of my depression. When i went on medication i wanted some time to myself to figure out how it was really affecting me, and i asked to take a break...ended up not working, i needed serious time to myself to figure out how to recover and who i wanted to be, if that makes sense; i'd lived with severe depression my whole life and really wanted to focus on myself. More recently, it was just a huge misunderstanding... really personal so i can't go into it better than that, but i was really really hurt and i'm still a little afraid of getting hurt again, but i figure that possibility is there in any relationship and i love him too much not to take the chance.

Ahhh, say no more. I hope everything works out for you.

 

[EpiPEN]

that and that philly has a chinatown...i know how your mind works!

Voice of Truth right there

 

[bioteach]

At the beginning of application season I gave my husband a list of all the medical schools in the country that I could realistically apply to (i.e. Harvard didn't quite make the list) and told him to cross off any schools in a location that he would not want to live. He did that and we narrowed it down to 23 schools (a mix of MD and DO). He assured me that he would be content in any one of the locations. From there I was able to pick the best fit for my education. I'll owe him, but he kind of likes the idea of having a doctor for a wife so we're all good.

 

[medgrlsox21]

bump

 

[Nanon]

i think basing it on a SO vs a spouse is quite a different matter.

i wouldn't have chosen to go to a school at the expense of my husband's career. yes, i need to do well in med school etc, but i made a commitment to my husband. i would have easily gone to a "lesser" school if it meant that both of us would be doing what we wanted to do. what good is it if i'm happy but he's depressed because he can't do what he wants?

Exactly... But in my (our) case, it's probably going to suck for him no matter what. He's been with LBL for 10 years, he loves his job... but I don't forsee getting into any California school. He's putting out feelers to see if he can work for his group remotely. If not, he's agreed to find a new job... reluctantly. This means that any school I apply to has to have an active market for his skill set. And it's not a commutable marriage, because we have a kid.

If he was my boyfriend, and we had no kid, I would NOT chose a school based on the relationship. Four years is a long time...

S.