Long distance relationship concerns

quideam

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    I recieved an acceptance to UPitt yesturday, and was waitlisted at Penn today. Unless the few schools i'm still waiting on work out (and i'm not counting on it at all), i'm probably going to end up at Pitt, which I truly do love.

    The problem: my boyfriend, who I am very serious about, goes to med school in NJ; he's going to be a 3rd year next year when i'm a 1st year.

    I'm concerned that our relationship will be incredibely strained, that we won't be able to be there for each other when we need it.... and that worries me.

    I've also been accepted to Einstein, which is ok, I just really dont' want to live in the Bronx. I truly feel that Pitt is a much better fit for me, but maybe I should go to Einstein so that I can be nearby?

    What do you guys think? Any advice, personal experiences? I'm just really sad right now; I was crying earlier... i'm afraid that by going away to school, i'm going to destroy my relationship, or at least suffer tremendously because of the distance.

    Please help! :(
     

    palatanmr6

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      quideam,
      I go to school in NJ and my boyfriend goes to Stony Brook which is 3 hours away and we have been able to make it work for almost 3 years. I think that it is definetly possible to make things work long distance, it just takes a little more effort, more minutes for your cell phone and a love for internet messaging :)
      Your boyfriend is in med school so he will understand that a good med school experience for you is important. If you love UPitt and your heart is set on the school then go for it! It's definetly a tough decision and you should think hard about it as well as talk to your boyfriend about what is best for you - good luck, don't cry, you are one step closer to becoming a doctor!
       

      Tofurkey

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        My boyfriend and I lasted for 2.5 years in a long-distance relationship--we were 4 hours away. But now we live in the same city and are engaged. It can work, most definitely, just plan lots of romantic weekend rendezvous and lots of phone calls,

        Good luck!
         
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        exmike

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          Originally posted by Tofurkey
          My boyfriend and I lasted for 2.5 years in a long-distance relationship--we were 4 hours away. But now we live in the same city and are engaged. It can work, most definitely, just plan lots of romantic weekend rendezvous and lots of phone calls,

          Good luck!

          i thought you were a guy, or are you?
           

          GTea

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            I have a girlfriend I have been with for 3 years. I am now in CA and most likely be moving to Pittsburgh. So, I think your situation is better than mine. My gf is kind of beginning to distance herself from me, anticipating a break up. I'm not sure we'll last CA-PA. Anyway, cheer up. I'm sure if you guys really wanted to, it'll work.
             

            exmike

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              I've been CA-VA with my gf for about a year now. She's going to law school and i'll be going to med school. I think it really depends on where your relationship is. We both agreed to go where was best for our careers regardless of the other person. We dont want to regret it later on if we dont work out. Its such an important decision you dont want to make a choice based on another person unless you're absolutely positively sure.

              quid your guys wont be that far apart. We only see each other about once a month, and we're doing just fine. keep your head up!
               

              Grumpy Bear

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                Quid,
                I so completely understand your situation. Mine is somewhat similar, except my bf is applying to dental schools for next year. I feel like I have to choose a school that will give him a decent chance of getting in to a school in the same city. Which is difficult, since there are far fewer dental schools. NYC or philly would have been somewhat optimal, since there are several good dental schools to choose from in those cities. Unfortunately, my favorite school that I've gotten into is Northwestern, which I love, but offers us few options. The only dental school in Chicago is UIC, which only accepts instate applicants (he's not) and isn't really the kind of school he wants to go to anyway. So, today I got waitlisted at Cornell and UPenn (plus a Columbia waitlist last week) and I feel like our lives just got horrifically complicated. I know that he's the one, but I feel like trying to be long distance for three years during medical/dental school is unfair to both of us. We've been long distance for 1.5 years in the past, so it's not the distance itself that concerns me most (although that sucks too). I'm worried that we won't have time for the nightly phone calls and the frequent visits that made our long-distance relationship bearable. Plus I feel like stress will have amplified negative effects, and we won't even be there for each other when we get home from a bad day with a hug or massage. Anyway, I don't have any answers... just comiserating. I know how you're feeling, quid. And if anyone does have any solutions, I need to know too!
                 

                Mistress S

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                  Tough situation--you've got my sympathy. LDR's seem very difficult--I don't have personal experience with them, but it seems like most people I know who've tried them have had limited success. Which is not to say it can't be done, but it depends a lot on you two, your commitment level and what you expect. Hard as it would be, if my BF decided for some reason not to follow me to med school next year, I think that would be the end--I wouldn't want the stress and uncertainty, personally, and I feel like it would change the nature of our relationship too much. Of course, my BF and I have lived together for 1.5 years now, so going from that to thousands of miles apart would be a huge change, maybe more so than for a couple who doesn't already live together and therefore spends less time together. It's important to me that my partner and I truly share our live together, that we're there for each other on a daily basis sharing the joys and responsibilities of life. But it would be a truly difficult decision to make.

                  I don't think you should sacrifice your education by going to a school you won't be happy with for the sake of the relationship, because there is too much uncertainty there and you run a large risk of either resenting him or regretting the decision if things don't work out between you two (or even if they do). I wish I could help more, I hope I'm not in your shoes next year! I think you already know what the score is: go to a school you don't like as much to be closer to your BF and increase the likelihood of your relationship working out, or go where you'll be happier realizing that LDR's are risky propositions and just make the best of it. Good luck to you both, whatever you decide.
                   

                  SarahGM

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                    Originally posted by quideam

                    I've also been accepted to Einstein, which is ok, I just really dont' want to live in the Bronx. I truly feel that Pitt is a much better fit for me, but maybe I should go to Einstein so that I can be nearby?

                    I definitely feel your pain. But I don't think that you should move anywhere on account of a guy.

                    If there is one thing I have learned in my x amount of years of dating (which have included some long distance relationships), you really can't spend time fretting and worrying. Because, IMO, if it's meant to be... it will happen. No amount of worrying will change that. Trust that no matter what happens, if you follow your own personal happiness (not to the extent of being selfish, but you know what I'm saying)... things will work out. As one of my favorite sayings goes: Everything will be OK in the end. If it's not OK, it's not the end.

                    So go with your heart- sounds like you prefer Pitt. Everything will fall into place and work out, if you're just patient.
                     

                    twinklz

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                      I will be the dissenter here.

                      If you're really serious about this guy (as in willing to marry him) perhaps a little sacrifice is in order. Einstein and Pitt are both wonderful schools; its not like we're comparing a top ten with Podunck Med School. Plus, its not like you're sacrificing your dream, you're going to end up being a doctor regardless.

                      However, turn about is fair play. Before you make this decision, talk to him about whether or not he would be willing to try to find a residency in that area as well. You don't want to make the decision to be near him and two years later he leaves you.

                      I know <gasp> taking a guy into account. It goes against my feminist ideals, but if you think you're going to be miserable without him, maybe Einstein in the end will make you happier.

                      Good luck!!
                       

                      klonoff

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                        I have to agree with twinklz. Your current favorite school may possibly be determined by factors that may not even affect you if you actually went to school there. Demeanor of the interviewers (who may never be your teachers, and if they are won't act that way in class), of the 2 current students you met out of the several hundred there are, of the other interviewing students (who may not attend that school, hard to judge people's character when they're in the most stressed out position in their life).

                        Some things I think are meaningless, but possibly you disagree. The prettiness of the campus.

                        So what made you not like the closer schools? While three hours isn't as far as it could be, I know I would be miserable without my partner (granted, we are married). The support will be invaluable.

                        Make whatever decision feels right for you. Good luck on your touch choice ahead.
                         
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                        Bendrix

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                          First of all, don't give up on Cornell or Yale just yet! Let's hope that your decision will become very easy over the next couple of weeks.

                          Secondly, if it comes down to Pitt and Einstein, I tend to agree with twinklz. This is obviously a tough issue, and one that you'll no doubt work through with your boyfriend and not really with strangers on a message board. But I'm one of those people who thinks that there's nothing wrong with adjusting your life a bit to make a relationship work. I simply don't believe the "if it's meant to be it'll be" mantra. Ultimately, this isn't a Mona Lisa Smile decision. In four years, you'll be a doctor wherever you go to med school, and your career options will be basically indistiguishable. What you do with your relationship has much longer-term implications.

                          Ultimately, I don't think there's an obviously right or wrong choice here. I don't envy the weight you must feel, but I do envy your having someone in your life important enough to agonize over. Best of luck.
                           

                          lyragrl

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                            I would choose Pitt over Einstein, definitely.

                            Here's the thing: Your bf is a third year so next year may be the only really tough one. Hopefully, he'll have lots of extra time 4th year so he can do some visiting. And then hopefully he can prioritize good residency programs near where you are.

                            I feel people giving advice on this thread aren't taking some of the logistics into account, i.e. what year he is in school and the match. Worst case scenario: Your bf matches in Florida, Texas, California etc. You're going to be in at an East Coast med school regardless, so why wouldn't you be better off at the one you actually want to go to, rather than the one you only want to go to b/c of geography?

                            Meanwhile, hope for Yale or Cornell and fight like h*ll to get off the Penn waitlist.
                             

                            ken37

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                              If you're not married, I can't see settling for a school you don't want to go to just because of a relationship. Relationships come and go, but being a doctor (or any profession) is a lifelong thing. Believe me, I settled when I went to law school, and 6 years later, my ex fiance is long gone, but my profession is still with me.
                               

                              jlee9531

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                                stay at pitt.

                                you guys are definitely not that far away at all. i was in a ldr back in the day and she was about 400+ miles away from me and i would drive up every other week to go see her. i didnt mind at all. unfortunately im not gonna check on a map how far away pitt and nj are but maybe if both have cars you can do an alternating visitation thing. one week you go visit, the other week he comes down etc...

                                then you can study together etc...check out your respective cities and have fun like that. sprint pcs to pcs is heaven so get that. or the verizon IN network. whatever is better for you in that area. what else is kinda cool is to get msn messenger and then get webcams for each of you guys so you can talk and see each other as it happens. (i know it sounds lame but in actuality it just feels nice to see the other person there) and if you want the full real life experience you can just talk to them while watching them on the screen...almost like being there...just it hurts to hug a monitor haha.

                                i hope you guys stick together if you guys are serious and love each other. dont move to einstien if you dont like it. remember felicity? look what happened to her...cancelled. :D
                                hes in med school too so he knows how important this is. its gonna be good.
                                 

                                NDESTRUKT

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                                  3-4 hours isn't too bad. I am in a similar situation to ex-mike's. I've been with the girl for 2 years and i've been travelling all over the country due to my job...i have quite the number of frequent flier miles since i fly to see her once a month - i'm mostly in CA but sometimes in SC and TX and WA as well. my job as an engineer make getting tickets pretty easy but still - it is 300 some dollars i could be saving - but it's definitley worth it.

                                  as you can probably see, i will be going to indiana university next year - which is my home still when i'm on corporate break - so...it'll end up much much better =)
                                   

                                  CrazyCozak

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                                    This is to Quid! :)

                                    Hey girl.. don't get too upset.. keep your mind with school and your heart with your b/f :) Hey girl.. I am being torn myself, on being deployed to Iraq, missing my wife, and getting my degree/gaining acceptance into med school... just stay optimistic.. hey.. got faith in you, since you generate optimism like nuclear power! :)

                                    CrazyCozak
                                     

                                    bry2781

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                                      I completely understand your problem. I have been in florida for undergrad for 4 years now and my g/f has been going to medical school in Italy. Seeing each other is more than difficult, but like many have said before, the internet and all of its perks (i.e. webcam, voice IMs, etc..) are all quite helpful in bringing you both closer. She will be finishing med school over there while I begin my four years here in the states somewhere (not sure where yet , but somewhere). It certainly is a difficult choice for you, but just know that the long distance relationship can work, if you are both dedicated towards it. Good luck
                                       
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                                      IrishOarsman

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                                        Originally posted by bry2781
                                        the internet and all of its perks (i.e. webcam , voice IMs, etc..) are all quite helpful in bringing you both closer.

                                        Um, I've heard of stories where that didn't help. Especially after the breakup...


                                        :D :rolleyes: :D


                                        SORRY! Had to. However, I too sympathize with your situation because my own is very parallel (GF in law school in Chicago with a job offer after graduation... in Chicago. I've been accepted to UMich, waiting on my top choice Yale, and waitlisted at UChicago). Do you feel like you swing back and forth all the time? I certainly do. Good luck and let us know how it works out.
                                         

                                        quideam

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                                          Hey everone, thanks for all of the responses! I just got back from spring break, so I haven't had a chance to write all week...

                                          IrishOarsman, I DEFINETELY swing back and forth constantly. Sometimes I feel bitter that I didn't get into UPenn... other times i'm excited about Pitt... then i'm still nervous about Yale, and how that would be closer... then I go back to being upset about the whole thing... *sigh*. I have all of these mixed feelings of guilt and frustration and doubt, etc... and these stupid waitlists aren't helping :(....

                                          I hope you can get off the waitlist at UChicago... it sounds like that would be ideal.

                                          Bry2781 - Wow, I have a lot of respect for that. It takes a really strong relationship to get over that kind of distance!! Good luck to you and thanks for the support :)

                                          Thanks everyone for writing!! I am definetely considering Pitt very seriously, i'm just so nervous about moving somewhere completely new, and leaving my bf behind just makes things harder....
                                           

                                          lisa13579

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                                            Another commiserator here :) I've been doing the LD thing with my bf for almost a year. I'm in Chicago and he's in Philly in his first year of residency. I think you can withstand the long distance, but I don't think it would be wrong to go to school closer to him either. In my situation, I have been able to fly out east once a month and he is so busy working 90 hours a week that it's been fine. I miss him all the time, but we are still going strong. It does help that we are both in the same field (almost...I'm starting med school this fall) so just know that it's a plus that you will both be in med school and understand the sacrifices involved.

                                            I'm also trying to decide between moving out east for med school to be near him (Drexel) or staying in Chicago (Rush) and being apart for another 4 years. I'm 27 and he's 29, so I am ready to make a committment for the rest of my life. If that means moving across the country to go to med school so that we can live in the same city, the sacrifice is worth it to me. In then end I will still be a doctor and can rock the boards and my classes wherever I go :) Good luck working thru it and I'll give you the advice that I try to live by myself....in the end, it will work out how it is supposed to. At least we have an exciting career to start!!!:clap:
                                             

                                            ZephyrX

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                                              My partner and i met during our medical school interviews. We exchanged emails and became friends through the fall semester. During the X-Mas vacation he was taking a trip to Europe and since i was in Europe as well we decided to spent some time together. Over 15 days we got "very close" :D. By the end of the vacation we just couldn't seperate. The sad part was the he had already been accepted at his #1 choice and removed himself from every other school. The exact same school waitlisted me. We decided that we wanted to date other people because it seemed our "relationship" was doomed. However neither one of us could.
                                              I never made it through the waitlist although every day of being apart and every weekend of being together our relationship grew much stronger.

                                              We are in different schools and different cities now. Although both of us are in the Northeast. We try to make it work. We call each other every day. Spent every holiday together and fly out to each other whenever we can.

                                              We haven't really lived together yet and although many people say that long distance relationships don't work, ours does. We hope that we will match in the same city eventually. But there is still one more year and a few months until then.

                                              Don't let anyone tell you what can and can't work. Every relationship is unique. Most gay relationships don't last more than 6 months. My partner and i have been together for 3 years and a few months now without any drama.

                                              Good luck to all of you.
                                               

                                              jhk43

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                                                I used to be sour on the LD concept. Like whats the point if a relationship is reduced to phone calls and weekend visits. anyways, i've changed my mind. i think LDs are perfect for med school - very low maintance with very little time commitments. plus ur assured of a$$ on a regular basis:)
                                                 

                                                TXsongdoc08

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                                                  Boy there are some pessimistic, heartless people posting on this thread... Its a wonder some of you want to be doctors, with the pessimistic views of humanity expressed above. The thing is, relationship advice is like movie and cd reviews, its all a crock of s#!t! Every situation is unique, and everyone's perception and experiences are unique. Trying to justify things based on all of this input from outsiders will only complicate things. Fact is, if you believe in your relationship and are honest with yourself and your partner about your feelings and concerns, it will work out. It is a nice thing to learn from the mistakes of others, but you have to be very cautious about how you use this kind of advice. Good Luck! :D
                                                   

                                                  camstah

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                                                    to the OP, i know how you feel somewhat....i'd like to stay with my fiance in los angeles, but unless usc accepts me that won't happen....and i'll be moving to pennsylvania......we live together now, and as much as i like penn state, it's not in los angeles....and it's not where he is....and being on the other side of 25 now, life starts to seem short....and i'd like to spend the next four years of it with him.
                                                    it's a tough situation to be in, especially when we're on waitlists....the uncertainty of where i'll be in a couple of months and all that i'll have to leave behind is killing me. well, at the very least the stress of it is making me sick...........
                                                    i wish i were rich and could donate a wing to usc or something.....
                                                    anyway, at least you guys would be within hours of each other....and wouldn't have to fly cross country to be together :) there's always a silver lining.......
                                                     
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                                                    emily69

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                                                      I have the opposite problem as the OP. Some freak I've been dating for less than a month brought up the subject of moving down to LA so he can see me, after noticing I had some "Keck-USC"paperwork lying around my bedroom.
                                                      Perhaps it was my bad not telling him of my upcoming medschool plans (?)
                                                       

                                                      DMBFan61

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                                                        emily69 said:
                                                        I have the opposite problem as the OP. Some freak I've been dating for less than a month brought up the subject of moving down to LA so he can see me, after noticing I had some "Keck-USC"paperwork lying around my bedroom.
                                                        Perhaps it was my bad not telling him of my upcoming medschool plans (?)

                                                        its hearing stories like these that makes me thank God for the Y chromosome.
                                                         

                                                        travelbug73

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                                                          Long distance is possible. My husband and I have one. We live 600 miles apart and see each other every 2-3 weeks. It's not easy though. I'm in graduate school and he works. I hope to be able to join him when I done. I do not want to do the LDR thingy when I start med school in a couple of years.
                                                          However, all that said, if you have med school offers from schools closer to NJ you might want to consider them. I do not know about rankings etc, so I really cannot give much advice.
                                                           

                                                          Sweet Tea

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                                                            I've been in an LDR for over a year now. I'm a first year med student in NC, he's a 3rd year in NYC.

                                                            It's definetly doable, but it's also very hard. We try to take turns flying to see each other once a month, but sometimes we have to adjust for our schedules. We make a point to IM, and email when we can, and we talk every night unless he's on call and too busy or it's the rare night when I'm *gasp* out and not studying. It definetly involves sacrifice, communication, and planning. One of the hardest parts is that when we are together on weekends, we feel like we have to cram a month of relationship into 3 days, and it just gets busy. One of the best parts (for me at least) is that he completely understands what it's like to be a first year med student. It's hell, he's been through it, and he survived. You must communicate with each other for it to work, and you have to be the type of people who can stand to be apart. Not everyone can handle being apart from their SO...I'm not saying it's a bad thing, I'm just saying that these people aren't meant for LDRs.

                                                            I hope this makes sense-- I've been studying physiology all day and am lost in the world of hormones. Best of luck to you!
                                                             

                                                            tarheelmd07

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                                                              I'm currently doing the LDR thing -- he's getting his MA in DC and I'm an MS1 in NC -- and though it's been tough, it's definitely do-able. To echo everyone else, communication and planning are both really key. My bf and I found that blocking out a big chunk of time 1 or 2 times/week just to talk helps -- that way, even though we talk for a little bit everyday, we have a time blocked out for a good long talk and we can plan around that time (so neither of us feels hurried to get off the phone for stuff like homework or meetings). We also try to sit down and plan out weekends for visits as far in advance as possible so that he can make travel plans (I usually drive up to see him, but he doesn't have a car, so he has to plan in advance). Like I said, it hasn't been easy, but, with effort and commitment on both sides, things will work out if their ment to be :) After doing the LDR thing from about 300 miles away and having things go well I'm not really worried that the distance is going to get bigger next year. He'll be in China for the year for school...so I'll really have to do some advance planning as far as communication (and hopefully a visit or 2) goes...
                                                               
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