Long-distance relationships in residency

[Anna123456]

Hi everyone!

My bf of a year just moved about 2.5 hours away for residency. He seems unsure about doing a LDR, often unable to make up his mind, going back and forth if he wants to continue dating. Due to my job, I would not be able to move there until next year and he said doing this for a year would be terrible. He said it isn't a substantial relationship if we always have to plan ahead when we are going to see each other and can't just randomly drop by after work for a dinner. We are both in Michigan and would still be seeing each other weekly or bi-weekly. Is it really that hard to maintain a LDR during residency or this an excuse for him to get out of the relationship? We are both in our 30's and claim to want the same things out of life (kids, marriage, etc), but I don't know if I should try to fight for this. Could it be possible the stress of intern year is masking his ability to look at this clearly or should I give up and move on? Having such a tough time, so any advice is appreciated. TY!

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[smq123]

Hi everyone!

My bf of a year just moved about 2.5 hours away for residency. He seems unsure about doing a LDR, often unable to make up his mind, going back and forth if he wants to continue dating. Due to my job, I would not be able to move there until next year and he said doing this for a year would be terrible. He said it isn't a substantial relationship if we always have to plan ahead when we are going to see each other and can't just randomly drop by after work for a dinner. We are both in Michigan and would still be seeing each other weekly or bi-weekly. Is it really that hard to maintain a LDR during residency or this an excuse for him to get out of the relationship? We are both in our 30's and claim to want the same things out of life (kids, marriage, etc), but I don't know if I should try to fight for this. Could it be possible the stress of intern year is masking his ability to look at this clearly or should I give up and move on? Having such a tough time, so any advice is appreciated. TY!

What specialty is he in?

For reference, I'm a family medicine physician and kept up an LDR for most of residency. And we were separated by 2 time zones, not in the same state.

 

[NotAProgDirector]

He said it isn't a substantial relationship

I think this is your answer right here. Of course an LDR is possible. But he doesn't think this relationship is serious enough to warrant the hard work of an LDR.

 

[smq123]

My bf of a year just moved about 2.5 hours away for residency. He seems unsure about doing a LDR, often unable to make up his mind, going back and forth if he wants to continue dating. Due to my job, I would not be able to move there until next year and he said doing this for a year would be terrible. He said it isn't a substantial relationship if we always have to plan ahead when we are going to see each other and can't just randomly drop by after work for a dinner. We are both in Michigan and would still be seeing each other weekly or bi-weekly. Is it really that hard to maintain a LDR during residency or this an excuse for him to get out of the relationship? We are both in our 30's and claim to want the same things out of life (kids, marriage, etc), but I don't know if I should try to fight for this. Could it be possible the stress of intern year is masking his ability to look at this clearly or should I give up and move on? Having such a tough time, so any advice is appreciated. TY!

I don't know how to break it to him, but being a resident or a physician generally means having to plan ahead anyway. If he's going to be on call or have to work his share of overnight/weekend shifts, then he's going to have to plan ahead, even if you were living in the same city. He's not a student anymore.

If he thinks that planning ahead now is bad, wait until he has kids....

Could it be possible the stress of intern year is masking his ability to look at this clearly or should I give up and move on?

Sure, it's possible. It's possible that he's so scared and unsure about intern year that he's not thinking clearly. But it might also be a convenient way to get out of this relationship. Only you can tell that part.

 

[smq123]

Ha--so true. I knew he had commitment issues based on the trivial reasons his past relationships have ended, but I had a hope he would mature now that he is older and says he wants to settle down. He literally did a 180 with our relationship (unsure if he can do it) 2 days into his program starting, so it feels quite confusing. I appreciate your opinion that it is doable if he wants to make it work. It's tough to start over in my 30's, but it helps to hear your perspective--I think it may be best for me to end things unfortunately.

I hope you find happiness. Good luck.

 

[Crayola227]

Ha--so true. I knew he had commitment issues based on the trivial reasons his past relationships have ended, but I had a hope he would mature now that he is older and says he wants to settle down. He literally did a 180 with our relationship (unsure if he can do it) 2 days into his program starting, so it feels quite confusing. I appreciate your opinion that it is doable if he wants to make it work. It's tough to start over in my 30's, but it helps to hear your perspective--I think it may be best for me to end things unfortunately.

To be fair, the stress of internship starting can do a lot of weird things to a person. It's not unusual for someone to act out against anything perceived as another "responsibility" or drain. One might argue that he should appreciate the benefits of your relationship to the point he doesn't react against it like another obligation or "drain". But it happens anyway, even solid relationships will take a hit of some kind from residency stress.

Honestly, I wouldn't pressure him about it. If he wants to be done, then say fine. You're going to move on.

I personally, might tell this person there is probably a small window of time to come to his senses and figure out this was intern year stress and try to repair things, and it better happen before he sleeps with a lot of other women (meaning this isn't an excuse for him to go dating and realize you were the best option.
Plus STIs are icky). And before you've found a better boyfriend. I would probably say I'm willing to go on a monogamous break for about 2 months. Not together, not dating others. Sounds like you could probably use this time anyway. If he doesn't crawl back, then you're done and dating apps get activated.

I would do this just in case this really is just intern year getting to him. Give him time to settle down and realize he's being an idiot. Or realize that he wants to move on.

Basically, I'm not exactly telling you to just write him off, but pressure to be *in* the relationship now or make a decision just probably isn't terribly useful.

The only thing you can try to force about this relationship, is it ending. So your choices are to try to hang on, or walk away. Only you can decide if you're willing to give him time to decide or just walk away.

Really, you should just walk away. So many reasons this is the best course of action. Because as I said, walking away doesn't have to preclude him getting it together if that's what you want and the message you send. But it doesn't work very well if you're not truly giving him the space to not be in the relationship and you're not willing to actually move on.

This is definitely a case where giving him space and being prepared to move on, can only help.

 

[rokshana]

Do not however, move to where he is unless you feel that there is a true commitment… on both sides.
Half joke that you should have a ring on it if you are going to upend your whole life … but need to ask yourself if you would make the move or the move benefits you outside of the relationship? If so, then it makes sense… but otherwise…

 

[Crayola227]

Hi everyone!

My bf of a year just moved about 2.5 hours away for residency. He seems unsure about doing a LDR, often unable to make up his mind, going back and forth if he wants to continue dating. Due to my job, I would not be able to move there until next year and he said doing this for a year would be terrible. He said it isn't a substantial relationship if we always have to plan ahead when we are going to see each other and can't just randomly drop by after work for a dinner. We are both in Michigan and would still be seeing each other weekly or bi-weekly. Is it really that hard to maintain a LDR during residency or this an excuse for him to get out of the relationship? We are both in our 30's and claim to want the same things out of life (kids, marriage, etc), but I don't know if I should try to fight for this. Could it be possible the stress of intern year is masking his ability to look at this clearly or should I give up and move on? Having such a tough time, so any advice is appreciated. TY!

Frankly an LDR can be easier in some ways. I did long distance for all 4 years of med school and part of intern year. He was a cheater and it was a big mistake, but anyway....

Long distance is work and lacks many obvious benefits compared to the "norm" of coming around 6 pm every day to someone. But typically med training precludes that anyway.

LDR is nice for trainees, because the relationship can get boiled down into daily text messages and phone calls. Same with only seeing someone once or twice a week where the focus is usually going to be relaxing and sex.

I typically called my SO when I had time at the end of the day, and on long days it might be a 5-10 min hi how was your day on the way home. That fit into his career well also. Or it could be longer at other times.

This guy is wearing overly rose colored glasses on what it is to be a trainee and come home late and/or exhausted just about every day to your partner. Even if your partner isn't busy and is happy to take on all the running of a household that tends to fall to a less busy partner, it's still hard. There's just more to deal with and more demands.

To put it simply, LDR is "harder" because you have to put forth an effort besides coming home and getting in bed. But it's "easier" because just coming home and getting in bed isn't really enough for most in person relationships anyway. And you do miss out on obvious easy benefits like a bed partner, so that is harder.

But in person live together arrangements can be harder to maintain in med training, actually. It can lead to more bad feelings about how little you see your partner, and your partner will find that it can take more effort. The rewards might be greater or more immediate, though.

At the end of the day, for the right person, even a busy intern (maybe especially a busy intern) should be willing to and look forward to that one call a day or one day off a week to see you, if that's what it takes this year.

That he isn't willing to have the best of both worlds (be single and can just focus on career while your relationship is compartmentalized during his intern year) but he still gets to look forward to seeing you once or twice a week on his least busy days, for a year that goes by so very fast while he is working, and he would have the independence while also having your emotional support (intern year can be terribly lonely. Having someone to call every day to vent to is precious), is really telling.

While many interns may despair of not having someone to come home to that helps them, many also don't find they have time for socializing or making a lot of new friends. Many are grateful for solid relationships that don't need a lot of time.

I would forget this guy and move on. If it's intern year stress mostly he will be missing you and call in you soon. If not good riddance. Either way you can't make it happen so just move on.

 

[Anna123456]

Frankly an LDR can be easier in some ways. I did long distance for all 4 years of med school and part of intern year. He was a cheater and it was a big mistake, but anyway....

Long distance is work and lacks many obvious benefits compared to the "norm" of coming around 6 pm every day to someone. But typically med training precludes that anyway.

LDR is nice for trainees, because the relationship can get boiled down into daily text messages and phone calls. Same with only seeing someone once or twice a week where the focus is usually going to be relaxing and sex.

I typically called my SO when I had time at the end of the day, and on long days it might be a 5-10 min hi how was your day on the way home. That fit into his career well also. Or it could be longer at other times.

This guy is wearing overly rose colored glasses on what it is to be a trainee and come home late and/or exhausted just about every day to your partner. Even if your partner isn't busy and is happy to take on all the running of a household that tends to fall to a less busy partner, it's still hard. There's just more to deal with and more demands.

To put it simply, LDR is "harder" because you have to put forth an effort besides coming home and getting in bed. But it's "easier" because just coming home and getting in bed isn't really enough for most in person relationships anyway. And you do miss out on obvious easy benefits like a bed partner, so that is harder.

But in person live together arrangements can be harder to maintain in med training, actually. It can lead to more bad feelings about how little you see your partner, and your partner will find that it can take more effort. The rewards might be greater or more immediate, though.

At the end of the day, for the right person, even a busy intern (maybe especially a busy intern) should be willing to and look forward to that one call a day or one day off a week to see you, if that's what it takes this year.

That he isn't willing to have the best of both worlds (be single and can just focus on career while your relationship is compartmentalized during his intern year) but he still gets to look forward to seeing you once or twice a week on his least busy days, for a year that goes by so very fast while he is working, and he would have the independence while also having your emotional support (intern year can be terribly lonely. Having someone to call every day to vent to is precious), is really telling.

While many interns may despair of not having someone to come home to that helps them, many also don't find they have time for socializing or making a lot of new friends. Many are grateful for solid relationships that don't need a lot of time.

I would forget this guy and move on. If it's intern year stress mostly he will be missing you and call in you soon. If not good riddance. Either way you can't make it happen so just move on.

Thank you for your advice. I wish he would just be honest with me regarding the true reason why he isn't sure, but either way, you are correct and it is best to walk away. It's reassuring to hear others have made it work with LDR just fine and there is likely more to this..

 

[AD04]

A male doctor-in-training in his 30's has a lot of options. I was seeing college-aged women and medical students when I was a resident. A LDR is hard. I couldn't make mine work. And it doesn't sound like he's too committed to you. If would explore other options if I were you.

 

[Anna123456]

A male doctor-in-training in his 30's has a lot of options. I was seeing college-aged women and medical students when I was a resident. A LDR is hard. I couldn't make mine work. And it doesn't sound like he's too committed to you. If would explore other options if I were you.

How old were you when you were a resident?

 

[Crayola227]

A male doctor-in-training in his 30's has a lot of options. I was seeing college-aged women and medical students when I was a resident. A LDR is hard. I couldn't make mine work. And it doesn't sound like he's too committed to you. If would explore other options if I were you.

Sounds like a humble brag honestly.

Any doctor in their 30s has a lot of options, theoretically. Location and busyness though can have a lot of an effect.

I knew lots of male doctors that had difficulty finding someone equally "eligible" in terms of age, attractiveness, education, to make a relationship work beyond a few dates. Dating a busy physician, especially one in training, takes a certain understanding and is rarely very glamorous. Many of such eligible dating partners will have prospects with less workload, less debt, that are more "fun," have more available funds, and are able to spend more time with them and settle down sooner.

People overestimate what a physician in training or even an attending has to offer. I believe docs have a higher divorce rate, and this shouldn't be surprising.

I don't think the issue to point out to the OP is "how attractive" it is to date this guy. Really sounds like it isn't.

I didn't get into how the pattern she describes, usually corresponds to two different theories. One is that some men don't seem to settle down until they're "ready," at whatever age or set of conditions that might be. When this magic switch goes off, they settle with whatever suitable partner they have at the time. It's not a measure of how "right" anyone else prior may have been, because it wasn't a matter of meeting the "right" person, so that was irrelevant. It was a matter of their individual readiness independent of how great anyone they were dating really was.

More likely, because I think I've seen it more often, is that you have someone with some sort of commitment issues. Again, when this is the case, it won't really matter how eligible they are or how many options they have.

It's hard to tell which of the two, and it makes no sense for the OP to wait around and find out.

I do agree, that people that tend to think about others in certain terms and categories tend to have issues with serious relationships and commitment.

In any case, it's possible this gent has this mindset about options or whatever, for whatever good it will do him.

 

[hallowmann]

Hi everyone!

My bf of a year just moved about 2.5 hours away for residency. He seems unsure about doing a LDR, often unable to make up his mind, going back and forth if he wants to continue dating. Due to my job, I would not be able to move there until next year and he said doing this for a year would be terrible. He said it isn't a substantial relationship if we always have to plan ahead when we are going to see each other and can't just randomly drop by after work for a dinner. We are both in Michigan and would still be seeing each other weekly or bi-weekly. Is it really that hard to maintain a LDR during residency or this an excuse for him to get out of the relationship? We are both in our 30's and claim to want the same things out of life (kids, marriage, etc), but I don't know if I should try to fight for this. Could it be possible the stress of intern year is masking his ability to look at this clearly or should I give up and move on? Having such a tough time, so any advice is appreciated. TY!

I was in a long distance relationship in my 20s, then again with the same person (at that point my wife) in my 30s during med school. It's not easy, but it's not hard to decide if the relationship is important enough for you to even try long distance.

He honestly doesn't sound like he wants a commitment or even to continue the relationship. When people actually want a relationship to last, they're not going to be "unsure about" even trying long distance. They might be nervous, but if they want to stay in the relationship it would be an easy decision to try.

The last thing you want is to waste time in a relationship where the person isn't even sure they want to be there. If the idea of long distance makes him question whether the relationship is worth it, what's going to happen when he's stressed out, when one of you are angry, when you have kids, when a family member gets sick or dies, etc. It's best you know this now rather than keep being led on because he's "unsure".

I'm sorry. Good luck, and I'm sure you'll find someone willing to put in the effort for you

 

[Dral]

I don't think this sounds like something that will work out based on what you're telling us. A 2.5 hour drive is nothing. Even if he was the only one who could travel, he could still probably make it to see you once or twice per month during intern year. A truly committed person is willing to work this way for a year to make things work out in the end, imo.

It sounds like he doesn't want to commit. He probably doesn't want to let go right now either though because he knows he still has a source of support in you during a stressful time in his life (intern year).

Not sure you need to break it off or do anything right now...maybe just readjust expectations. If you find someone where you are that you may be interested in dating, maybe breaking it off is something you initiate.

 

[gryffindor]

Hindsight is 20/20. Been there, did that all to say don’t do it. If he wanted this, he would be brainstorming ways to make it work rather than coming up with reasons why it won’t.

 

[netminder]

Hindsight is 20/20. Been there, did that all to say don’t do it. If he wanted this, he would be brainstorming ways to make it work rather than coming up with reasons why it won’t.

I second this. You deserve better.

 

[j4pac]

I did two different stints of LDR with the same person…it was incredibly easy because we loved and were committed to one another. If you’re wondering if it’s going to work…you sort of have your answer.

 

[GoSpursGo]

Echoing others, whether an LDR can work depends on the relationship and the people in the relationship. There are some people who just don’t want to do an LDR, period, snd there’s nothing wrong with that. But dang, if he’s feeling that way he needs to just be straight with you.

 

[VA Hopeful Dr]

Sounds like a humble brag honestly.

Any doctor in their 30s has a lot of options, theoretically. Location and busyness though can have a lot of an effect.

I knew lots of male doctors that had difficulty finding someone equally "eligible" in terms of age, attractiveness, education, to make a relationship work beyond a few dates. Dating a busy physician, especially one in training, takes a certain understanding and is rarely very glamorous. Many of such eligible dating partners will have prospects with less workload, less debt, that are more "fun," have more available funds, and are able to spend more time with them and settle down sooner.

People overestimate what a physician in training or even an attending has to offer. I believe docs have a higher divorce rate, and this shouldn't be surprising.

I don't think the issue to point out to the OP is "how attractive" it is to date this guy. Really sounds like it isn't.

I didn't get into how the pattern she describes, usually corresponds to two different theories. One is that some men don't seem to settle down until they're "ready," at whatever age or set of conditions that might be. When this magic switch goes off, they settle with whatever suitable partner they have at the time. It's not a measure of how "right" anyone else prior may have been, because it wasn't a matter of meeting the "right" person, so that was irrelevant. It was a matter of their individual readiness independent of how great anyone they were dating really was.

More likely, because I think I've seen it more often, is that you have someone with some sort of commitment issues. Again, when this is the case, it won't really matter how eligible they are or how many options they have.

It's hard to tell which of the two, and it makes no sense for the OP to wait around and find out.

I do agree, that people that tend to think about others in certain terms and categories tend to have issues with serious relationships and commitment.

In any case, it's possible this gent has this mindset about options or whatever, for whatever good it will do him.

Nope, doctors have a pretty low divorce rate.

Doctors and Divorce

Physicians are less likely than other health professionals to be divorced

hms.harvard.edu

 

[Crayola227]

Nope, doctors have a pretty low divorce rate.

Doctors and Divorce

Physicians are less likely than other health professionals to be divorced

hms.harvard.edu

This says it's low among healthcare and some other professionals. How does it compare to the general US population rate?

Also I realize my stats on this were very out of date.

In any case, doesn't negate my point that some people overestimate the value of being a physician, especially a resident one, in the wider dating pool long term.

Lots of reasons you see healthcare professionals married to one another.

 

[VA Hopeful Dr]

This says it's low among healthcare and some other professionals. How does it compare to the general US population rate?

Also I realize my stats on this were very out of date.

In any case, doesn't negate my point that some people overestimate the value of being a physician, especially a resident one, in the wider dating pool long term.

Lots of reasons you see healthcare professionals married to one another.

Among the general population 25% of people have been divorced. The source with that, for some crazy reason, didn't separate out "never married" from "currently/previously married", so that number will be higher.