Long Distance Relationships

[phnerd1105]

I know this topic has SO MANY THREADS (did a search, don't worry), but many of them are outdated. I was just wondering who is currently in a long distance relationship or has extensive experience with one. I am around 1000 miles away from my boyfriend who is in med school, and its tough. Its getting worse as Valentine's day approaches as well!

Anyone else have any stories? I know we could all use a little reassurance to keep us going through next week's awful holiday (assuming you won't be seeing them for it).

---

Members don't see this ad.

 

[mitchlucker]

Yeah I been there a few times. Sent my girl some stuff on Valentine's day.

It becomes more of a chore than something enjoyable. You also grow during your time apart, and when you're not right together it's in different directions it just won't work. You'll find out over the next couple times you see eachother.

Needless to say it never worked for me. Make sure you can definitely see yourself marrying this person in the future...if not then just end it and save the trouble. If you can, then make sure you make an effort regardless of how busy you are.

 

[Longshanks]

Who's care about Valentine's Day?

Why do you need a "holiday" pushed by corporations to prove your love or admiration to your partner when you can do that any day, any way, in an organic and spontaneous way? If you're a good significant other, you're a good significant other. A holiday isn't going to make a poor one any better.

Can one make it fun day to do something special? Sure. But its the same as any other day when you could have done something for them.

 

[EMTDoc]

I was in a long distance relationship where my girlfriend was a 5 hour drive away, so not quite as bas as your situation. Reflecting back though, here is what I found to be the problem, however this might not be a major point in your situation or not.

It's difficult being so involved in someone's life and then when they move away there are two choices, spend every minute on the phone with each other, or you have to both continue to live your lives as you normally would, just with a significant other that you still call. Problems then arise when there isn't harmony between these two mindsets. Either you both have to want to spend a lot of time on the phone with each other, or you both have to understand that you have to still go out and have a life that isn't focused on the other and then try to share it over the phone.

Good luck finding that balance...

 

[juliedi]

I've been there OP: junior year of college my bf was abroad for the entire year. It's definitely not a fun situation. As for Valentine's Day, see if you can have a phone/skype date together. And in general, we found that sending care packages and letters back and forth really helped us feel close to each other despite the distance. I'm not sure if that helps at all, but hang in there good luck.

 

[mitchlucker]

Who's care about Valentine's Day?

Why do you need a "holiday" pushed by corporations to prove your love or admiration to your partner when you can do that any day, any way, in an organic and spontaneous way? If you're a good significant other, you're a good significant other. A holiday isn't going to make a poor one any better.

Can one make it fun day to do something special? Sure. But its the same as any other day when you could have done something for them.

Every holiday is commercialized, that's our society. Valentine's day a lot less than Christmas or Easter. I'm still going to get my girl something for Christmas regardless, so I'll still do something for Valentine's day. Treat her on a day which she is looking forward to (every girl is). Don't go all out but make sure she knows you're thinking of her. Plus most women have friends who will all know about what you do...and a lot of these friends mean more than you do...cover your bases but I fundamentally agree with what you're saying.

 

[Tatastrophy]

I'd say like someone else did: unless you see yourself marrying the person and are willing to work WAY, WAY harder than most to keep up to speed in romantic realm: you have an answer.
That being said: I am currently in one (500 miles)=7 hour drive or 1 hour flight. We are doing great at keeping up: txt botha-ring each other all the time (for fun not because we are really trying), and talking every night before bed 10-30 minutes. We are both students which keeps us busy aka distracted from feeling lonely 90% of the time.
He visited 4 times in the fall and I spent the winter break with him and so far he has been to see me 2 times and 3rd planned for mardi gras/our spring breaks. Also he is planning summer here.
Just finished a visit yesterday and I can honestly and confidently say that we are in fact growing but because we are so involved in each other's lives-we are growing closer together, not apart.

So takeaway: you may only need to do some of the things my boy and I do, the same or more. Whether you are willing to and feel is worth it is really the final deciding factor. Don't worry too much if you guys are working at it, just know what you need and vocalize it.

Hope it helped.

 

[r1012]

I'm about 7 hours away from my boyfriend...it was a lot harder at the beginning, but we make it work with texting, calling, and skype (and obviously, visiting each other). I won't be going to school anywhere near him (in-state is much cheaper for me), so we'll still be about 7 hours away. Since we're both busy and will be busier (he has a job that keeps him working a lot/distracted and is going to business school in 2012), we're optimistic about the fall and med school. And, I agree with a poster above, Valentine's Day is pretty silly - and honestly it's more than likely that you'd just end up forgetting about it in med school!

 

[LEUNIT]

A waste of time, it is IMO.

 

[NickNaylor]

I recently got out of a four year long distance relationship. Distance sucks, and it's definitely not for everyone.

 

[phnerd1105]

Thanks for all the advice guys.

I definitely see myself marrying this guy. We've been dating for 2.5 years and we started when we both went to undergrad together. I live in the north and he lives in the south, around a 3 hour and very expensive flight. We skype/text/call a lot, and we've both agreed that we're in it for the long haul.

Its just hard because he's my best friend. We used to do so much together when he was here and now everywhere on campus I just see the absence of him. I miss studying with him, trying new restaurants together, cooking together, etc. The little things.

And I don't care about Valentine's day. It's a waste of money IMO. I just said it affected me because I've been seeing people being lovely dovey all around and it just makes me miss him. I miss the companionship

 

[50Fly]

I recently got out of a four year long distance relationship. Distance sucks, and it's definitely not for everyone.

Ah, Cole, that is so sad, I remember reading in a thread a while back that you were looking at rings.

 

[LEUNIT]

Ah, Cole, that is so sad, I remember reading in a thread a while back that you were looking at rings.

Four/five-year relationships, especially when the couples are young, tend to end even when the relationship is not long distance. I've seen it a lot. Sad deal indeed.

 

[phnerd1105]

I'm sorry Cole and muhali, that's really really heartbreaking Best of luck to you guys!

 

[dbeast]

Four/five-year relationships, especially when the couples are young, tend to end even when the relationship is not long distance. I've seen it a lot. Sad deal indeed.

But they don't end as often or as quickly as four and five month relationships...

 

[LEUNIT]

But they don't end as often or as quickly as four and five month relationships...

Hey, you're right..

 

[searun]

I was in a long term relationship when I left for medical school - moved from the West Coast to the East Coast. We broke up during Christmas vacation of my first year of med school.

Then I got into another relationship with a girl that I met during the summer between my first and second year of med school. We just broke up. I will graduate in May and begin a 5 year residency in a competitive surgical specialty. I will be a single guy again. But at least I will have a small paycheck and can buy a beer once in awhile. Good luck with those long distance relationships.

 

[BeachBlondie]

My boyfriend and I were in a long distance relationship for nearly a year. Complete opposite ends of the country, too.

Yes, the struggle of not being able to see one another is hard. But, if you can make it through you will find that you have forged a strong foundation with the constant communication. After all, talking to one another is all you have in that situation.

We've been dating for about 1 year and 8 months now and are currently living together. Since Day 1 we've never had a single argument, tiff, or disagreement. And, we wake up next to each other thankful that we no longer have to endure the lonely nights.

In a way, being long distance was like practice for the Big Game. When I'm in medical school, or in a residency, I'm going to be gone, on-call, and only come home to find respite in bed. Hell, even now I'm working full time and taking 2 courses per semester, so we are lucky if we end up with a full day off together during a given week. But, because we made it through long distance together, it's assuring to know that we can tackle, as a couple, whatever the future brings.

You're a team--both working towards the same goal of discovering more about yourselves, each other, and your place in this world. Never forget that.

 

[phnerd1105]

My boyfriend and I were in a long distance relationship for nearly a year. Complete opposite ends of the country, too.

Yes, the struggle of not being able to see one another is hard. But, if you can make it through you will find that you have forged a strong foundation with the constant communication. After all, talking to one another is all you have in that situation.

We've been dating for about 1 year and 8 months now and are currently living together. Since Day 1 we've never had a single argument, tiff, or disagreement. And, we wake up next to each other thankful that we no longer have to endure the lonely nights.

In a way, being long distance was like practice for the Big Game. When I'm in medical school, or in a residency, I'm going to be gone, on-call, and only come home to find respite in bed. Hell, even now I'm working full time and taking 2 courses per semester, so we are lucky if we end up with a full day off together during a given week. But, because we made it through long distance together, it's assuring to know that we can tackle, as a couple, whatever the future brings.

You're a team--both working towards the same goal of discovering more about yourselves, each other, and your place in this world. Never forget that.

The thing is, we've been without each other for 9 months so far. He's two years older than me and he's an MS1 and I am in my junior year of undergrad. I can't go to the same school as him because we're from different states. So really, we won't be together for another 5 and a half years Its depressing, but we try to see each other every few months for a couple days.

Thank you for sharing though, it made me feel better I hope you both are doing well!

 

[kitty222]

Hi phnerd1105,

Just wanted to share my story for you to help you through next week. My husband and I met in undergrad when I was 17 and he was 18. I met him first semester freshmen year and first semester sophomore year we eloped, I was 18 and he was 19 ( I was a goody two shoes through my teens, so this was my first rebellious act , also this was in 2002, and he wanted to join the military after 09/11). Luckily, he didn't enlist, he waited until after graduation and commissioned as an officer in 2005.

Since 2005, between basic training, OCS, trainings, 2 deployments overseas, me going to grad school we have lived together in the same city for approx. 2 years out of the 5+ years. I am not going to lie and tell you it's all roses and champagne, it's been hard, really really hard but after being together for close to 9 years we still love each other more than ever and still want to make it work. During his trainings and deployments, it was even more difficult because contact was limited, skype was not available because his internet connection was unreliable, and although he had an overseas phone it was also spotty at best.

Holidays ( any holiday, even stupid ones like sweetest day, Haloween, V-days, etc) are tough, because they are just a reminder that you and your loved ones are apart when everyone else seems to be lucky enough to have their sig. others nearby. Cheating worries also plague any long distance relationship, I think thats just normal. However, despite all of that, if you and your boyfriend are willing to take the time and effort you can make it work. Again, it's not always fun and it's never easy, but if this relationship is what you both want for the long haul then it's definitely doable.

I've been accepted to a med school in the Fall that does not have any military bases nearby, so there is a chance we will have to spend another year apart ( or even longer if my husband doesn't get into law school near my med school in Fall 2012). But I am waitlisted at 2 schools that do have bases nearby so we are trying to keep positive about that. It is important in long distance relationships to see the positives in the situation and in your relationship, and also it's important to have little goals between the two of you ( like in 3 months you'll take a vacation together etc.) In our case, because the times together have been so scarce we have taken the best romantic trips when we have been together like going to Europe, Dominican Republic, Puerto Rico etc.

When you are living apart, ofcourse both of you will live separate lives, have new and different friends. And you shouldn't expect your bf not to go out and have fun, and he shouldn't expect you not to go out and have fun. But you should be telling each other of your experiences, so that there is no disconnect between your two separate lives. And if you have a set time to talk to each other on the phone, keep the date! You wouldn't stand each other up if you lived in the same area would you? So why would you stand them up on the phone.

Anyways I have blabbed on for way too long. I really just wanted to reassure you that it is possible to make long distance relationships work. Has it been easy? No. Has 3 out of the last 5 years sucked? Yes. Do I think that pursuing our separate dreams to make our lives together better, worth it? Yes. Can we see ourselves with other people? No.

So in the end I think it's worked out for us. Hopefully whatever you both decide, it makes you both happy.

 

[phnerd1105]

Hi phnerd1105,

Just wanted to share my story for you to help you through next week. My husband and I met in undergrad when I was 17 and he was 18. I met him first semester freshmen year and first semester sophomore year we eloped, I was 18 and he was 19 ( I was a goody two shoes through my teens, so this was my first rebellious act , also this was in 2002, and he wanted to join the military after 09/11). Luckily, he didn't enlist, he waited until after graduation and commissioned as an officer in 2005.

Since 2005, between basic training, OCS, trainings, 2 deployments overseas, me going to grad school we have lived together in the same city for approx. 2 years out of the 5+ years. I am not going to lie and tell you it's all roses and champagne, it's been hard, really really hard but after being together for close to 9 years we still love each other more than ever and still want to make it work. During his trainings and deployments, it was even more difficult because contact was limited, skype was not available because his internet connection was unreliable, and although he had an overseas phone it was also spotty at best.

Holidays ( any holiday, even stupid ones like sweetest day, Haloween, V-days, etc) are tough, because they are just a reminder that you and your loved ones are apart when everyone else seems to be lucky enough to have their sig. others nearby. Cheating worries also plague any long distance relationship, I think thats just normal. However, despite all of that, if you and your boyfriend are willing to take the time and effort you can make it work. Again, it's not always fun and it's never easy, but if this relationship is what you both want for the long haul then it's definitely doable.

I've been accepted to a med school in the Fall that does not have any military bases nearby, so there is a chance we will have to spend another year apart ( or even longer if my husband doesn't get into law school near my med school in Fall 2012). But I am waitlisted at 2 schools that do have bases nearby so we are trying to keep positive about that. It is important in long distance relationships to see the positives in the situation and in your relationship, and also it's important to have little goals between the two of you ( like in 3 months you'll take a vacation together etc.) In our case, because the times together have been so scarce we have taken the best romantic trips when we have been together like going to Europe, Dominican Republic, Puerto Rico etc.

When you are living apart, ofcourse both of you will live separate lives, have new and different friends. And you shouldn't expect your bf not to go out and have fun, and he shouldn't expect you not to go out and have fun. But you should be telling each other of your experiences, so that there is no disconnect between your two separate lives. And if you have a set time to talk to each other on the phone, keep the date! You wouldn't stand each other up if you lived in the same area would you? So why would you stand them up on the phone.

Anyways I have blabbed on for way too long. I really just wanted to reassure you that it is possible to make long distance relationships work. Has it been easy? No. Has 3 out of the last 5 years sucked? Yes. Do I think that pursuing our separate dreams to make our lives together better, worth it? Yes. Can we see ourselves with other people? No.

So in the end I think it's worked out for us. Hopefully whatever you both decide, it makes you both happy.

Thanks Kitty, that really does help. You and your husband are truly inspiring, and I hope things are going well with you both. My bf and I know that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. Just knowing the long road ahead of that waits is so daunting. My parents also don't know about him, and they're very very strict.


However, we've been making it work. Being with someone else isn't even an option in my mind right now. Its just times like this that suck, especially since he has an exam coming up so we barely talk . I can't even imagine how much worse it is going to get when I'm in med school as well....

But really, thank you for sharing your experiences. It always helps seeing what others have been through

 

[Ilovewater]

I've been in a long relationship for 5 years now, and we're about 3000 miles apart. Even after that long, we still hit bumps here and there, but that's expected. We text throughout the day, and then talk at night for like 30-40 minutes to keep connected. I think one of the reasons why our relationship has worked out so well is because both of us are really busy, so neither of us feels neglected because one person doesn't have time for the other. We both know each other's priorities and respect that.

We'll see how much longer the long distance is going to last. He's applying to pharmacy school this year...so if he doesn't get in somewhere near my school, it'll be at least 3 more years haha.

 

[torshi]

how hard can it be?

 

[Geneticist]

how hard can it be?

It can be tough when you rely on someone sexually but still don't have the nerve to cheat on them. Other than that, idk.

 

[glikegrandpa]

I feel your pain, OP. I've been in three long distance relationships. Count 'em. THREE.

The most recent LDR was by far my most serious, though. We dated for a summer short (?) distance and then for a year long distance (Berkeley - Las Vegas). I thought I was going to marry him.

And then I was invited to serve in the Peace Corps, and I knew if I passed on the offer I'd regret forever not taking the chance to live my dream. So now I'm in Cambodia. And we are no longer a couple, because while Berkeley - LV was doable in seeing each other every month, we both knew that our personalities are much too "go with the flow" to keep anything going after two years of not seeing each other, ****ty internet connections, and inability to call without racking up a hefty bill.

I sincerely wish you the best of luck, and know that there are people out there who wish that their LDR significant others are even in the same country.

 

[Sunny29918]

I met my current fiance, then boyfriend, my last semester of high school. I decided to go to school in Delaware instead of Florida and he supported me for it. He knew my education was important and that I loved University of Delaware. We have kept up a long distance relationship for 3.5 years now. We really do not get a chance to visit much during the semester, I go home on breaks though, so that helps. We talk a good 5 or 6 times everyday depending on our schedules, sometimes just 3 mins to say "hi, it's time to get up". I got amazingly lucky though, I got into med school back home so we finally get to be together. I will admit, valentines day never phased me much, but not having him next to me at night or being able to get a hug from him when I had a rough day were always hard for me. , but I am in love with him, and he with me, so we put up with it.