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Long engagement????

Discussion in 'Spouses and Partners' started by engaged2med, Mar 27, 2002.

  1. engaged2med

    engaged2med New Member

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    I am so happy to have found this site. :)

    I am currently engaged to a med school student. We have been togethor for about a year and a half now. He is about to enter his third year of school, which means a move for the both of us. We are relocating to a much smaller town that offers him terrific opportunities. Since I am not yet attending school full time, I have no qualms about moving with him. In fact, I am looking forward to it. :) Still, I continue to find myself worrying about something that I hope some of you might be able to offer me some advice with. My fiancee is of Indian orgin, and I am not. His parent's have expressed their disapproval of our being togethor in the past, but seem to be coming to terms with our union. They have even stated that they would prefer for us to get married sooner than later. I am in agreement with them for several reasons. While my fiancee has made it very clear that he prefers to wait until the latter half of his fourth year. I am not anticipating having a grand wedding. In fact, on our budget, I was thinking more along the lines of Las Vegas, lol. And have no problem with our putting off our honeymoon until he can find the time. I cannot help but worry that I might see him through his trials in medical school, and end up getting dumped for a "better deal". Or possibly, the Indian woman his parents would prefer him to marry. Since becoming engaged to him, I have heard several stories of these sorts of things happening to women in my current situation. Just wondering if anyone out there might have a few words of advice on this subject. Thank you:)
     
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  3. Trek

    Trek Grand Uranium Member
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    Perhaps you could look straight in his eyes and ask him? --Trek
     
  4. Thumper

    Thumper Senior Member
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    Hi, first of all, congratulations on your engagement. I wish the best for the two of you. Now, let's get down to business! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="wink.gif" /> So, you say you are worried that he'll dump you later for something better? Why is that? Is there a reason why you thing he might do that? Like TREK said, you should ask him if you are uncertain, and get a feel for what he's thinking if you have doubts. Secondly, try to become friends with his family. I too come from a family that had problems accepting my boyfriend, but now everything is great. Find out why they "might" not like you. Also, find out if the girl that was supposed to marry him is still in the picture. (These are all to ease your mind so you can stop having doubts and begin living and enjoying your life.) :)
    That being said, I really don't think you have much to worry about. I mean, he asked you to marry him, right? Now, we all know how commitment phobic most guys are, so for him to actually propose means that he loves you and wants you in his life. As for what will happen later, no one can say for sure. But I suggest you occupy your time with something and gain some skills. If you haven't attended college, try doing that. If that is not for you, find something that interests you and learn to do it, either as a hobby and/or hopefully as a job later. You see, if you just follow him around and wait for his life to happen, then you'll be missing out on YOUR life. Let me tell you from experience that men (and women) prefer to have a mate who can take care of him/herself and is not totally dependant on the bread winner. By having certain skills or going to work, not only will you be doing something you love or can put to good use, but you will have the respect of your husband. I hope I have helped you more than confuse or worry you. Just remember, he loves you and wants to be with you. Now, enjoy your love and your life together, and stop worrying about what MIGHT happen. No one ever knows what the future will bring, but make sure you come well prepared for the road ahead. Good luck! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="wink.gif" />
     
  5. k's mom

    k's mom Senior Member
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    I agree with the other posts.
    Two more things to consider:
    1. What is he expecting out of the wedding? I mean that in a cultural sense. You simply said that he is from Indian background. Do his cutural or religious beliefs dictate more than Vegas? or something that will take more time and energy?
    2. Weddings can take a while to plan. Once you "look him in the eye..." as Trek said, why not set a date? You can take over a year to put together even a small Vegas affair. Have fun with the process! The day itself goes very fast, and it is hard to soak it all in. I LOVED planning my wedding (a small, family affair...nothing fancy) and our stress level was so much smaller than any of my friends who have wed in the past few years because we took our time and put so much thought into each penny we spent.
    Good luck!
     
  6. CoffeeCat

    CoffeeCat SDN Angel
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    It sounds like something that you're really worried about is trust. You said that you'd like to get married sooner rather than later b/c you're worried that a) he'll dump you or b) he'll marry his parents' choice. Even after the marriage, you'll need to trust him - there's always the possibility that people will stray and getting married will not ensure that he won't. What will is if you two have serious conversations about this and more of a mutual understanding about what's going to happen with your future. Good luck :D
     
  7. engaged2med

    engaged2med New Member

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    Thank you all for your great advice. :) I appreciate it. <img border="0" alt="[Clappy]" title="" src="graemlins/clappy.gif" />
     
  8. vixen

    vixen I like members
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    from my indian background, I find that indian parents are more accepting of non-indians if they have a good job/goals/life for themself. It sounds like you want him to rush himself into something because you have some trust issues. If things don't work out in a couple of years, so be it. I obviously don't know you guys personally, but I'm sure he's very concerned about his parents' approval.
     
  9. Cobragirl

    Cobragirl Hoohaa helper ;)
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    Okay, I have to be the voice of dissent in this group. I think you very well SHOULD confront him on this and demand that, at the very least, dates and plans should be made. I was "engaged" for almost 6 years to a man that I later found out really never had ANY plans to marry me. I think he may have in the very beginning, but after awhile, he just kept me around out of convenience (and until something "better" came along). Every year, he had a different excuse for why we couldn't/shouldn't get married. At first, it was because we we're "too young" (makes you wonder why he bothered asking, huh?)...then, we "didn't have enough money"...then he "wanted to make sure his career was settled"...etc.etc.etc. Every year, different excuse.

    Do NOT just sit around waiting for things to happen or you WILL get the short end of the stick. If he truly DOES love you and really does intend to marry you, he should have no problem at least setting a preliminary date and to start discussing what your (joint) ideas of the "perfect" wedding would be. This doesn't mean that you have to go out and rent the chapel or anything...but his REACTION to the topic should tell you a lot. My ex would always change the subject or actually get angry...as if I was out of line for actually EXPECTING to get married after being asked (and committing myself to HIM!) Just remember, this is a two-way street...he's not the only one giving up the opportunity to date/marry others. I think men have a tendency to think that once they ask us to marry them that the world ends for us. You might want to remind him that you DO have other options....
     
  10. penelope

    penelope Member
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    Cobragirl's advice is very wise.

    From personal experience very similar to engaged2med's, I know that this is a complicated situation with many angles to consider. But in general, I too recommend against long engagements.

    If you are ready and willing to get married (that's what being engaged means, right???) then get on with it already! Confront him. If you two can't agree to marry in a reasonable time frame (9 mos to 1 year?), you should be free to reevaluate your options.

    penelope
     
  11. Qafas

    Qafas Jarhead
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    Hi,
    The previous posts have all raised good points. I, too, believe that you should have a face to face talk with each other about marriage ? after all, you are planning on spending your lives together. Your lines of communication should be open, and you should be able to dispel each other?s doubts without the affair becoming confrontational.
    Now, being that I am an Indian guy myself, and am married, I think I might be able to provide some insight into the cultural aspects of your situation. I understand completely why his parents disapproved of your relationship. In our culture, dating and ?being in love? are generally frowned upon, regardless of who you are in love with. Ours is a culture of arranged marriages, and if his parents are from a traditional background, it is no surprise that they had trouble with him being in love with someone. That you are not Indian just serves to make matters more complicated. Please do not take offense, but that sort of sentiment stems not only from vast cultural differences, but also from the fact that relationships in the American culture these days are rarely life long. That is not to say that all Indian relationships are without problems and are life long. In fact, far from it. But, cultural stereotypes tend to get the best of many people. If it makes you feel any better, my parents were opposed to my marriage as well, because it was a love marriage. And the girl is Indian!
    This, too, is likely the reason why they want you to get married sooner than later, now that they are warming up to you (which is great!). As for your fianc?e, I think I understand why he might be delaying the whole affair. Weddings in our culture are huge affairs, lasting several days to weeks, and entail the gathering of family members, close and distant, from all corners of the world. If your fianc?e and his parents have that sort of an affair in mind, it will be a rather big event. Perhaps that is why he is not in favor of holding a small wedding, something that you have stated you would like. My advice to you is to have a heart to heart talk about all these issues, and lay your feelings and doubts out in the open. In my opinion, if there is one thing that breaks more relationships than any other, it is misunderstanding, which is bound to arise if you cannot communicate freely. Good luck to you and your fianc?e?..if I can be of any more help, please ask!
     
  12. engaged2med

    engaged2med New Member

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    I would like to thank all of you that have offered your advice and well wishes. I recently sat down with my fiancee and we have agreed to set a date as soon as he gets his schedule for fourth year. :D And at that point we intend to begin planning the wedding. Thank you again for sharing your thoughts with me. :)
     
  13. spectre

    spectre Junior Member

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    First, Congratulations on your engagement!! I hope everything works as planned.

    Second, I'm glad that his parents finally approve of your relationship with him even though I dont think you should concern with what his parents has to say about your relationship at all. Remember that this is YOUR relationship, not theirs; I remember all too well a similar experience with a past relationship. And being in an interracial relatipnship before, I can tell you it is more difficult because of societal standards but if you love him than you should have no trouble in overcoming those pressures.

    The whole med school application, acceptance, schooling, residency, practice is all a test. Just make sure you're there to support him and let him understand that you're will to support his long hours, and be with him every second he is available.

    There is a double-edged sword in all this. On one hand, it appears that you're sacraficing more to get his time and attention. Just be sure that he recipricates those same feelings too. Med school shouldn't be something you're competing with, it should compliment it. But it is easier said than done. Just try at it and look from all possible angles.

    Good luck,

    -spectre
     
  14. smc927

    smc927 El Flaquito
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    If you are living together, sharing your lives and anticipate getting married, why are you waiting? What will be the difference , besides the marriage license and maybe the last name? You can get married now or in a year and a half. If you want to be together, get married!! Besides, you'll get great tax benefits!

    As for getting dumped for a better deal, I have only one suggestion. Pray hard and follow your heart. I guess that was two. Good luck!
     

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